2010 comes in with a BIG BANG ... He relapsed.
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2010 comes in with a BIG BANG ... He relapsed.
As some of you know I've been down this road for a while now. H has been on methadone now for 6 months. Was doing fine, switched clinics, they'd jacked around with his doses, lowering and ramping up again (policy @ clinic switches). H started buying methadone on the side @ the clinic switch to keep his dose where it was @ the old clinic on his own.
About a month ago I started noticing odd behavior. Falling asleep fast whenever he stopped. Very deep sleeping. Either going full speed ahead or crashing to sleep. Foggy memory, foggy speaking. Sounded like he had cotton in his mouth. At first he blamed it on lack of sleep, then he'd say it was nothing, I was imagining things etc.
About 2 weeks ago, right before Christmas I started doing some typical codie snooping. He was flat denying anything and he was FINE. I found in his take homes 3 full bottles of methadone. He should have had 1 take home with about 40 ml in it. I even found a bottle with someone else's name on it. His reasoning was that we were going on Christmas vacation for 3 days to a h20 park with my family and he didn't want to be sick and would only have 1 take home to last 3 days. With it being right before Christmas I let it go.
We go on vacation, he's visibally 'off' to me, but nobody else really noticed anything. I was doing everything I could to keep him away from my family when he wasn't fit to be around them. We get back from vacation and things start to go down hill. I start calling the clinic and he's missed a few days, but still leaving like he's going, telling me he's going etc. I start seeing quite a bit of nodding out, very deep labored sleep, very foggy eyes, looks like crap etc. I decided to delve into his phone records for last month and he's talk for over 6000 minutes last month. SIX THOUSAND! Over 900 texts. Now we talk on the phone, but NOWHERE near that much. The calls were 99% of the time <1 minute in duration. BTDT have the t-shirt to know that that means he's up to no good.
NYE I am in the house cleaning and doing things with the kids. He was outside working in the garage. I KNEW he was high that night. It was VERY apparant. Next thing I know I look out into the garage and his car is gone. I start frantically calling his cell because he was in No shape to drive and there were DUI check points everywhere. Next thing I know, I get a call and he's clipped a telephone pole. Totaled his car and shut power off for an entire street because power lines were down due to the wreck. His sister went to pick him up @ the police station. They said he was clearly not doing well on his sobriety test. He insisted he was fine and they asked to do a UA. he said fine. They did the UA, but won't know results for about 3 weeks. They did find his 1 bottle of take home methadone and nothing else.
His sister gets him, brings him out here shortly after midnight. He's out cold all night and the next day was a mess until about 3 pm. I took him into his moms to stay. I get a call from his mom about 20 min after dropping him off that he's out on foot with her cell phone and had went to get cigarettes. About 2 hours later I am @ home - hear a vehicle out front and low and behold H comes walking across the yard. Someone had dropped him off.
He's starting to be more coherant by now and is insisting that he's fine, he's been fine, it's just an accident etc. If I had NOT seen the shape he was in the prior 24 hours I would believe him.
My parents are more of family than his own. He loves them and vice versa, but they're sick of this crap and want their daughter and grandkids to live a happy peaceful life without drugs. Earlier when my mom found out, she came down to get the kids. He keeps saying he needs to talk to my parents, that it's all being blown out of proportion. I say just please leave them alone. Next thing I know he sets out walking to my parents. By then he's fine enough to make sense. I call my parents, dad goes down the lane to pick up AH and take him back to his moms. About 3 hours later he's got my dad re-thinking that their were drugs involved. Feeds him the line about how you can't get high when on methadone, how it blocks opiates etc. My AH tells my dad that he can drop him off @ his moms, but he'll just keep coming out to the house because he loves his family and didn't do anything wrong. Legally he is able to stay in the house and I cannot kick him out so we decide to let him come home. After 3 hours with my dad - my dad's even questioning whether H is on drugs or not.
I went to stay with my parents with our kids. I come home later that night and AH is cleaning the house, has the tree down, running the sweeper, doing what he usually does when something like this happens. Steps up long enough to get past the bump in the road, hoping that everyone will forget this.
Thing is if I hadn't seen just HOW out of it he was I would question myself. I'm almost 100% it's methadone that he's abusing. I think he'll probably get off with the UA as well because he's got an rx for methadone. I was seriously talking to him yesterday - had my back towards him and when I turn around he's leaning against the bed, standing up asleep, cigarette fell out of his mouth on the floor. This happened within a 10 second span of me turning my back.
This morning I get home and find out he's talked his mom into using her car. He's going to the clinic to be dosed and is going to be gone for the rest of the day looking for a car. I'd taken/hidden his cell phone from him because it's in MY name and I'm going to have it shut off. It's gone. Somehow he found it. I paid for the car, it is insured fully (I pay for that too). I know he's going to try to get something FAST before I can just keep the $.
He's doing what he always does - convincing me, convincing others he's fine. That takes the focus off of him - we move on, forget about it. Meanwhile I KNOW what's going on. I KNOW what I see. I plan on filing for divorce asap. I care about him, but this is ridiculous. He's now trying to be a drug addict legally via methadone. I can get him off of drugs, but I can't keep him there.
Thoughts? I want to file for divorce, I want him to be out of my life. I want to be happy and not have to deal with this crap all of the time. Right now he's on his BEST behavior and he's doing his best manipulation. How do I not be sucked into believing he's fine when I've SEEN it with my own eyes. I don't WANT to walk down this road anymore. I WANT to walk a straight path alone, not a crooked path with him. I'm doing my BEST to cut the final strings and be DONE! When he's here I don't want him here based on what I detect as DA. When he's not here I'm not sure I want to be without him. We're both 39 and have been together since we were 16. That's 1/2 of my life. I know it's a cycle, a toxic magnetism that's keeping me here. When he turns on the charm and steps up, that's about all that I can ask for. But you can't keep him consistant in that. I don't trust him AT ALL and I'm starting to very strongly NOT trust my own instincts. Not because they're wrong, but because he's so good @ talking the talk.
I'd tried to call the clinic last week about my suspicions, but he's not signed a release form for them to be able to talk to me. He says he did, but he obviously wants to keep me OUT of that because he's up to no good. I titled this thread as it being a relapse, but I'm not sure he's not been up to no good all along.
About a month ago I started noticing odd behavior. Falling asleep fast whenever he stopped. Very deep sleeping. Either going full speed ahead or crashing to sleep. Foggy memory, foggy speaking. Sounded like he had cotton in his mouth. At first he blamed it on lack of sleep, then he'd say it was nothing, I was imagining things etc.
About 2 weeks ago, right before Christmas I started doing some typical codie snooping. He was flat denying anything and he was FINE. I found in his take homes 3 full bottles of methadone. He should have had 1 take home with about 40 ml in it. I even found a bottle with someone else's name on it. His reasoning was that we were going on Christmas vacation for 3 days to a h20 park with my family and he didn't want to be sick and would only have 1 take home to last 3 days. With it being right before Christmas I let it go.
We go on vacation, he's visibally 'off' to me, but nobody else really noticed anything. I was doing everything I could to keep him away from my family when he wasn't fit to be around them. We get back from vacation and things start to go down hill. I start calling the clinic and he's missed a few days, but still leaving like he's going, telling me he's going etc. I start seeing quite a bit of nodding out, very deep labored sleep, very foggy eyes, looks like crap etc. I decided to delve into his phone records for last month and he's talk for over 6000 minutes last month. SIX THOUSAND! Over 900 texts. Now we talk on the phone, but NOWHERE near that much. The calls were 99% of the time <1 minute in duration. BTDT have the t-shirt to know that that means he's up to no good.
NYE I am in the house cleaning and doing things with the kids. He was outside working in the garage. I KNEW he was high that night. It was VERY apparant. Next thing I know I look out into the garage and his car is gone. I start frantically calling his cell because he was in No shape to drive and there were DUI check points everywhere. Next thing I know, I get a call and he's clipped a telephone pole. Totaled his car and shut power off for an entire street because power lines were down due to the wreck. His sister went to pick him up @ the police station. They said he was clearly not doing well on his sobriety test. He insisted he was fine and they asked to do a UA. he said fine. They did the UA, but won't know results for about 3 weeks. They did find his 1 bottle of take home methadone and nothing else.
His sister gets him, brings him out here shortly after midnight. He's out cold all night and the next day was a mess until about 3 pm. I took him into his moms to stay. I get a call from his mom about 20 min after dropping him off that he's out on foot with her cell phone and had went to get cigarettes. About 2 hours later I am @ home - hear a vehicle out front and low and behold H comes walking across the yard. Someone had dropped him off.
He's starting to be more coherant by now and is insisting that he's fine, he's been fine, it's just an accident etc. If I had NOT seen the shape he was in the prior 24 hours I would believe him.
My parents are more of family than his own. He loves them and vice versa, but they're sick of this crap and want their daughter and grandkids to live a happy peaceful life without drugs. Earlier when my mom found out, she came down to get the kids. He keeps saying he needs to talk to my parents, that it's all being blown out of proportion. I say just please leave them alone. Next thing I know he sets out walking to my parents. By then he's fine enough to make sense. I call my parents, dad goes down the lane to pick up AH and take him back to his moms. About 3 hours later he's got my dad re-thinking that their were drugs involved. Feeds him the line about how you can't get high when on methadone, how it blocks opiates etc. My AH tells my dad that he can drop him off @ his moms, but he'll just keep coming out to the house because he loves his family and didn't do anything wrong. Legally he is able to stay in the house and I cannot kick him out so we decide to let him come home. After 3 hours with my dad - my dad's even questioning whether H is on drugs or not.
I went to stay with my parents with our kids. I come home later that night and AH is cleaning the house, has the tree down, running the sweeper, doing what he usually does when something like this happens. Steps up long enough to get past the bump in the road, hoping that everyone will forget this.
Thing is if I hadn't seen just HOW out of it he was I would question myself. I'm almost 100% it's methadone that he's abusing. I think he'll probably get off with the UA as well because he's got an rx for methadone. I was seriously talking to him yesterday - had my back towards him and when I turn around he's leaning against the bed, standing up asleep, cigarette fell out of his mouth on the floor. This happened within a 10 second span of me turning my back.
This morning I get home and find out he's talked his mom into using her car. He's going to the clinic to be dosed and is going to be gone for the rest of the day looking for a car. I'd taken/hidden his cell phone from him because it's in MY name and I'm going to have it shut off. It's gone. Somehow he found it. I paid for the car, it is insured fully (I pay for that too). I know he's going to try to get something FAST before I can just keep the $.
He's doing what he always does - convincing me, convincing others he's fine. That takes the focus off of him - we move on, forget about it. Meanwhile I KNOW what's going on. I KNOW what I see. I plan on filing for divorce asap. I care about him, but this is ridiculous. He's now trying to be a drug addict legally via methadone. I can get him off of drugs, but I can't keep him there.
Thoughts? I want to file for divorce, I want him to be out of my life. I want to be happy and not have to deal with this crap all of the time. Right now he's on his BEST behavior and he's doing his best manipulation. How do I not be sucked into believing he's fine when I've SEEN it with my own eyes. I don't WANT to walk down this road anymore. I WANT to walk a straight path alone, not a crooked path with him. I'm doing my BEST to cut the final strings and be DONE! When he's here I don't want him here based on what I detect as DA. When he's not here I'm not sure I want to be without him. We're both 39 and have been together since we were 16. That's 1/2 of my life. I know it's a cycle, a toxic magnetism that's keeping me here. When he turns on the charm and steps up, that's about all that I can ask for. But you can't keep him consistant in that. I don't trust him AT ALL and I'm starting to very strongly NOT trust my own instincts. Not because they're wrong, but because he's so good @ talking the talk.
I'd tried to call the clinic last week about my suspicions, but he's not signed a release form for them to be able to talk to me. He says he did, but he obviously wants to keep me OUT of that because he's up to no good. I titled this thread as it being a relapse, but I'm not sure he's not been up to no good all along.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
hey callie, sorry you are having to go through all of the again. according to what you've posted, it does sound like he may not be finished using yet but you sound like you have a good plan in place, acting on it is the hard part but i'm sure when you are sure you are ready, you will do what you need to do for you and your kids.
you and your family are in my prayers
you and your family are in my prayers
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Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,906
Originally Posted by outtolunch 
What's stopping you?
What's slowing me down is that he 100% ramps it up being sweet, nice, kind, cleaning, sweeping, fixing things, hey you wanna get a movie and a pizza tonight, hey you wanna have game night with the kids, lets go sledding.
This will go on AS long as it takes for the anger to subside, for it to be peaceful, until the focus is off of him. Then just when I let my guard down addiction will creep back in, ever so slowly without me even knowing it until it escalates to a level that it did on NYE.
For those of you who remember the Walmart incident? He was visually as bad on NYE as he was that night. He later told me he didn't remember a thing about that night. Only somehow he's managing to convince everybody that he's fine. They didn't see him that night though. His sister did, the police officer did, I did. We're all in agreement that he was blitzed. BUT he'll walk the walk as long as necessary to let this pass, let us sweep yet another thing under the rug. With methadone, it's almost like he's using it like a normal person does alcohol. They may tie one on a few times a year, go out for a few drinks every so often and get a buzz.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
Callie, I remember when you first came to SR. You were devastated and shocked at what all your husband had been doing...the gambling, fears of job loss, etc. That was back in May of 2008. Remember?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1769946
Sometimes, it's helpful to go back and read what we were going through in the past. Some of the details may be different, but how much has really changed, Callie?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1769946
Sometimes, it's helpful to go back and read what we were going through in the past. Some of the details may be different, but how much has really changed, Callie?
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Join Date: May 2008
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Originally Posted by suki44883
Callie, I remember when you first came to SR. You were devastated and shocked at what all your husband had been doing...the gambling, fears of job loss, etc. That was back in May of 2008. Remember?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1769946
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post1769946
I am amazed at how much I DID NOT know. I had no clue what I was in for or the severity of his addiction. The counselors most likely wrongly labeled him as bipolar because they did not know about his addiction. The percocets were actually loratab, oxy, dilauded, morphine and any opiate that he could get his hands on.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,868
You're not a naive dimwit. Sometimes, we just get caught up in the drama of it all and before we know it, almost two years has passed and we're still pretty much in the same place. Yes, read all the old posts you can find from that time. It never hurts to refresh our memories. 
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Bummer. But just because he relapsed doesn't mean you have to. You have all the tools you need in your tool box to deal with your problems - when you are ready. It's just a matter of putting the tools to work - the hardest part, but I know you are capable.
Hugs and cheers to 2010. It doesn't have to be a repeat of 2009 for you and your children. What a blessing eh. I hope you keep us posted on your progress!
Hugs and cheers to 2010. It doesn't have to be a repeat of 2009 for you and your children. What a blessing eh. I hope you keep us posted on your progress!
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Originally Posted by Chino
Callie, have you changed and how?
My fear is that with him being here that he'll try to sway me otherwise. My family and friends are sick to death of this whole process and me being sucked back in. Thing is they're sucked back in too because he's so believable. For the last month I've dreamed about making 2010 DIFFERENT than the last 5 years. 4 out of the 5 Christmases have been riddled with drugs. I want this cycle to stop. I need this cycle to stop. It's gone on for FAR too long. I want him OUT and I just want to live the best life that I can. I want to roll everything that has to with addiction into a ball and toss it out the door...him included.
I can see that what I'm going to get is the manipulation. He loves me, he can't do this alone, he needs my support, he has nowhere to go blah blah blah. I'll not only get it from him, but his mom as well. She'll do ANYTHING to keep him here and out from under her feet. Forget about the toxicity to me or the kids. So far, I'm taking the no contact/minimal contact road with them. He can deal with them. If any of you remember the antics of my MIL, it's best to keep her far away from me. I cannot contain myself around her and always seem to become engaged in confrontation.
I don't want another Christmas or New Years RUINED, filled with panic, anxiety, fear. I don't want to have to stick by his side like glue if he's around my family or friends, trying to contain him so they don't see that he's high. I tell you, when he stepped off the plane almost a year ago after 40 days of rehab, I saw the sparkle in his eye, the confidence, the respect, the improved self esteem, the much needed weight gain, the clarity. That lasted about a month until he relapsed. I briefly saw that same person @ for a while when he started methadone treatment. Unfortunately he found loopholes and has managed to find a legal way to abuse drugs.
Chino, that totally didn't answer your question. I guess right now I'm more disgusted than I've ever been. Not just towards him, but towards myself because I KNOW better. I've allowed his manipulation to suck me again and again and again. If any one of you were posting my story, I'd give you the same advice that I'm getting...enough is enough. It's just alot harder to be the one to close that door for good.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 697
Callie, I'm so sorry about all of this.
It takes a long time to build up trust, to get things on the straight and narrow. Even then, it's usually more like swervy lines and hairpin turns.
The idea that he's being "so nice" right now makes me balk even more. He knows what manipulation works best with you and unless something changes in how you react to that manipulation, he's going to keep doing what works for him.
Do you have any "rules" in place for relapse between you? Are there any contingency plans?
Does the peace you imagine when you are away from him outweigh the good you have going with him at home?
Just a few things to consider. Be good to yourself, above all.
It takes a long time to build up trust, to get things on the straight and narrow. Even then, it's usually more like swervy lines and hairpin turns.
The idea that he's being "so nice" right now makes me balk even more. He knows what manipulation works best with you and unless something changes in how you react to that manipulation, he's going to keep doing what works for him.
Do you have any "rules" in place for relapse between you? Are there any contingency plans?
Does the peace you imagine when you are away from him outweigh the good you have going with him at home?
Just a few things to consider. Be good to yourself, above all.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Omg, Callie. I'm soo sorry. When I just turned on my computer, (that is getting fixed this weekend).... (crashes constantly), so haven't been on much, my mouth hung open. I said out loud, "oh no.................."
I felt so bad.
Unfortunately, I don't have any 'advice' so-to-speak, because I haven't walked that walk successfully yet.
However, I wanted you to know, that I care very much for you. We have talked, and I told you how this is a fear......(a real one) about trying to salvage a relationship w/ an addict. Is it worth the price?
I know you know, that you deserve much more. Things such as peace, are priceless Callie.
I know it's hard, so hard to move away from the manipulation, but you can do it.
I'm thinking of you today.
In my thoughts and prayers, that you find strength,
Love,
Cess
I felt so bad.
Unfortunately, I don't have any 'advice' so-to-speak, because I haven't walked that walk successfully yet.
However, I wanted you to know, that I care very much for you. We have talked, and I told you how this is a fear......(a real one) about trying to salvage a relationship w/ an addict. Is it worth the price?
I know you know, that you deserve much more. Things such as peace, are priceless Callie.
I know it's hard, so hard to move away from the manipulation, but you can do it.
I'm thinking of you today.
In my thoughts and prayers, that you find strength,
Love,
Cess
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 951
Originally Posted by Callie
Normally I'd be all over him for taking the phone that is MY phone. Now I'm simply just going to find it again, hide it better until I can shut it off.
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Sis Debbie - I can do that, but he has a $500 phone that I need in my possession first. It's going on Ebay. I can monitor online his calls so as long as he's within the minutes, I'll let it go until I can get ahold of it.
Zombie Wife - I'm finding out that there is nobody I trust less than my AH. He's not given me a long enough span of trust to deem him trustworthy on any level.
Cess - I know you know all too well the manipulation. Thank you.
I just need to find the strength and the push to call monday morning to file. I KNOW that I need to do this swiftly. I've got family and friends who are supportive. They too care about him, but see the poison in this marriage. I'm just trying to keep contact with him minimal. I don't even want to talk to him because I can guarantee he'll be clear as a bell like nothing happened. If this were just an isolated thing, it may be one thing, but it's been building and building and building. I've suspected, found and knew about the extra methadone. He has 100% denied ALL of it. He's not budged an inch on that.
Zombie Wife - I'm finding out that there is nobody I trust less than my AH. He's not given me a long enough span of trust to deem him trustworthy on any level.
Cess - I know you know all too well the manipulation. Thank you.
I just need to find the strength and the push to call monday morning to file. I KNOW that I need to do this swiftly. I've got family and friends who are supportive. They too care about him, but see the poison in this marriage. I'm just trying to keep contact with him minimal. I don't even want to talk to him because I can guarantee he'll be clear as a bell like nothing happened. If this were just an isolated thing, it may be one thing, but it's been building and building and building. I've suspected, found and knew about the extra methadone. He has 100% denied ALL of it. He's not budged an inch on that.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Hi Callie ~ Wishing you the best in 2010 - it can be what you make it.
It's so easy to get caught up in that cycle, that roller coaster, the manipulation, especially when we've been doing it for so long. For the longest time, I believed I wanted a divorce and was only waiting for the strength to do it - that it was only a matter of time until I could do it.
A huge turning point for me was to stop thinking about the 'whys' and "what ifs' and "he saids' and "they dids'. I had to consciously make myself look at WHAT IS, with my AH's actions, and eventually, even my own. All the talk in the world didn't make a darn bit of difference unless it was followed by action. It wasn't easy making the transition....I had to literally talk myself out of thinking in the old way...which was stuff like: "He screwed up again because......" and switch to "This is not acceptable. Period." I had to repeat it to myself over and over and over. After a while, it became easier to focus on what is.
Take the drugs out of it for a sec....are his behaviors acceptable?
The "play by play" of the events...the what he did, what he is doing, what you did, what you're doing may be helpful to process and vent. But when you're ready for change.....what he said, what his parents said, or your parents did, or whatever won't matter --- the only thing that will matter is that you will know what you want/need - and know what you cannot live with.
As always, everything said with love....
It's so easy to get caught up in that cycle, that roller coaster, the manipulation, especially when we've been doing it for so long. For the longest time, I believed I wanted a divorce and was only waiting for the strength to do it - that it was only a matter of time until I could do it.
A huge turning point for me was to stop thinking about the 'whys' and "what ifs' and "he saids' and "they dids'. I had to consciously make myself look at WHAT IS, with my AH's actions, and eventually, even my own. All the talk in the world didn't make a darn bit of difference unless it was followed by action. It wasn't easy making the transition....I had to literally talk myself out of thinking in the old way...which was stuff like: "He screwed up again because......" and switch to "This is not acceptable. Period." I had to repeat it to myself over and over and over. After a while, it became easier to focus on what is.
Take the drugs out of it for a sec....are his behaviors acceptable?
The "play by play" of the events...the what he did, what he is doing, what you did, what you're doing may be helpful to process and vent. But when you're ready for change.....what he said, what his parents said, or your parents did, or whatever won't matter --- the only thing that will matter is that you will know what you want/need - and know what you cannot live with.
As always, everything said with love....
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Location: Dallas, TX
Posts: 136
Hi,
I just wanted to share my turning point....When I realized I had enough.
Before I realized I had enough, I would make excuses for him/ for us, I would have hope still in our relationship, I would smile occasionnaly when he was around, I would feel in my heart that I loved him and I might could hang on until he got better/ quit his drug. I actually believed everything he told me or said about where he was going, where he was or when he would be back.
My turning point was when I realized one night that I actually was not waiting for him to come home anymore, I actually was hoping he did not. I got to the point that I was relieved that I knew his pay day and knew he would not be home that night because he was off getting high. I realized I was happier when he was gone, I finally stopped believing ANYTHING he said and realized I DESERVE BETTER and that is exactly what I told him.
We all have a different amount of crap we can put up with, but when you reach your limit and finally realize you have had ENOUGH and deserve to be happy you will definitely make that change. You will find the strength to do it I promise!
Good luck to you
I just wanted to share my turning point....When I realized I had enough.
Before I realized I had enough, I would make excuses for him/ for us, I would have hope still in our relationship, I would smile occasionnaly when he was around, I would feel in my heart that I loved him and I might could hang on until he got better/ quit his drug. I actually believed everything he told me or said about where he was going, where he was or when he would be back.
My turning point was when I realized one night that I actually was not waiting for him to come home anymore, I actually was hoping he did not. I got to the point that I was relieved that I knew his pay day and knew he would not be home that night because he was off getting high. I realized I was happier when he was gone, I finally stopped believing ANYTHING he said and realized I DESERVE BETTER and that is exactly what I told him.
We all have a different amount of crap we can put up with, but when you reach your limit and finally realize you have had ENOUGH and deserve to be happy you will definitely make that change. You will find the strength to do it I promise!
Good luck to you
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