breakingfree88

Callie,
I'm sorry this has happened. I agree w/ everyone else...follow your gut instincts.
I will say that methadone if taken properly will not cause the signs you're seeing out of him. There won't be drug-seeking behavior, shooting water, unexplained absences, nodding off, fogginess, 6000 cell minutes, car wrecks, etc.
It is a VERY slow acting opiate that doesn't produce a "high". Once again, only if used properly. Being messed up is another opiate-or he's seriously abusing the methadone. (Prob. alternating. Methadone is a good substitute when you can't get your DOC (roxys, lortabs, etc.)

tjp613

cessy - you make such a good point. My dad was a philandering, abusive alcoholic -- he treated my mom like crap but she was a housewife of the 60's and did her best with the hand she was dealt. She cooked and cleaned and sewed our clothes, but let me tell you, she was never "present" for us. We never had quiet cuddle times or bedtime stories or board games together. She was SO fried with anxiety by the end of the day that she was barely able to hold it together. I'm amazed she didn't end up addicted to Valium or something. I don't blame her for any of it, but looking back I was somewhat neglected... she just didn't have the emotional energy left for my sister and I. She did what she had to do to keep us fed and clothed, but her head was definitely not in the game.

I'm sure you don't even realize how much your kids are missing, but once you are free of this constant anxiety, you will. I am sure you'll do a great job of making it up to them. They need you.

MrsMagoo

You CAN do what you need to do Callie. You can. You have the tools. You have the support. You are a strong, independent woman and you have been the breadwinner for a very long time now.

Cynical hit it on the head by pointing out that you kept repeating that you could "get him there but couldn't keep him there". It's not your job to even get him there honey. He will get there on his own and probably quickly given his history. I know your afraid he will OD and kill himself. We are ALL afraid of that but that coul happen whether they are under our watch or not.

Forget the words and concentrate on the action and by action, I don't mean housework or dinner waiting when YOU come home from working all day. I mean consistent behavior, behavior, behavior. He can do that from someplace else. Make it happen Callie. Salvage your life and give your kids a future they can count on. :ghug3

Impurrfect

(((Callie))) - I, too, have to agree with ((Cynical)). You didn't get him clean...he did it and he's doing it now as a form of manipulation. He's doing it to get you off guard...plain and simple. He wants you to see the "old him", question yourself on what you've seen in the past few weeks, and let him slide. Then, he's hoping you will, and he'll be right back to his old tricks.

I'm sorry to be blunt, ((Callie)) but he's using you. He wants to continue to live the life he want to have....use whenever the hell he wants to, straighten up just long enough to get you off his back, then go right back to it.

You CAN'T stop him. The best you can do is remove you and your kids from the situation and get him out of the house. Let him face his consequences, for once. If my family hadn't loved ME enough to let me face my consequences, I'd probably be dead...just like my XABF who died early last month in a crack house because there is a question of whether he od'd on something other than crack, and whatever HE did....I did. My consequences got me away from him and crack...what consequences has your AH had? Yes, he moved out for a while, but you stayed in touch all the time.

I truly think it's time you put some serious emotional distance between you...for YOUR sake. I know you can only do what you can do, when you can do it, but maybe if you think of it as helping HIM it would help you wrap your mind around it, until you realize that you CAN survive it, and not only that, it feels BETTER after the initial grieving time?

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

Callie

This is exactly what's going on. I'm already getting the Ilove you's, will you go to counseling with me so we can get help for eachother and our kids etc. I HAVE to keep remembering that the days of him being 'clean' (correct dose of methadone) are less than the days of him taking more.

I've been staring @ the phone all morning trying to get the strength to call the lawyer. Once I pick up the phone and make the appointment, I can't/won't back down. My family won't let me. My sister and mom would drag me to the appt. I'll go on my own though. I've seen this lawyer 3 times. I've been going to file 3 times in the last year. The last time I was going to file was almost a year ago when H was in rehab. Once he'd detoxed, he was a different person.

I need to remember all of the lies, all of the phone calls chasing down drugs, him vehemently denying any usage at all, the manipulation. I need to remember the bad because it's for sure outweighed the good. I have more unhappy times with him than happy anymore.

Impurrfect

(((Callie))) - maybe make a list? It always helps me to see it in black and white. List the walmart episode, what's happened in the past few weeks, the fact that he is using he to get his way (yes, I know I don't know him, but this I can guarantee...I DO know the mind of an addict).

Sending you strength, sweetie. If the bad is outweighing the good for YOU, think of what it's doing to your kids. My mom and dad went through a rough time, when I was young, and they just KNEW they had me "sheltered" from it, but I knew something was wrong..told them years later that I knew...they were shocked that I picked up on it.

Love, hugs, and prayers!

Amy

tchappy

I agree...make a LIST...it really does help to see it in writing. I made a list of the pros and cons and hung it on my wall to look at and even made a copy to keep with me at all times.

You will be amazed once you start making that list how the CONS side of the list outweighs the PROS. It will really make you look at the whole picture and that is exactly what you need to do...look at the WHOLE picture!!

I know it is hard to leave when they start with the I love you's, but what they say above is true...he is only doing that to get you sucked back in and he knows that. My Ex ABF did the exact same thing. He would say it all to suck me back in and then WHAM...he went back to the same ole CRAP! It is truly a GAME they play.

Sorry if that sounds too blunt, but I have been there and I know. But I'm not there anymore and I am HAPPY!!!!

Take care of you and your kids.

Callie

I just called and made an appointment. Its time to let go as hard it is going to be. He's clear as a bell today and completely fine. Though I am not. I am seriously shaking. My appointment is in less than 24 hours.

MrsMagoo

Hang in there girl! Hugs and prayers to you and you're children. Remember: Nothing changes if nothing changes.

You have but the ability to change your life and your children's lives. Go ahead!

Callie

Thanks - I can't stop shaking! My mom is going with me. I'm scared to death but I know I have to be strong enough to break this toxic cycle.

Sick as it is, I feel like I'm betraying AH by doing this behind his back. Why do I feel so bad when he's done this to me for years. After being with him for 22 years and married for 15, this marriage will be ending in 45 days give or take.

laurie6781

(((((Callie)))))

I am glad you have made the appointment, even more so that your Mom will be going with you, it is support you need right now.

Also, please remember that we are all walking with you in spirit. Kind of like those 'Verizon' ads, just picture in your mind the big group of SR folks that are with you in spirit, it does help.

Love and hugs,

MrsMagoo

If I remember correctly, the last time this happened, you were VERY CLEAR with AH on what your intentions were and the acceptable conditions in which he was allowed to remain in your household. He blew it Callie. This is NOT coming out of left field which is why he's busting his a$$ to do anything possible to downplay his behavior, get your attention off what happened and playing Cinderella. Of course he's on good behavior right now - he has to be to try and stay in your good graces. Of course too, as soon as you go through with what your doing, expect a binge because he will have to make it your fault but do not believe for one minute that you made him do anything, it's just an excuse to use. Count on it and do not feel guilty!

You being scared for him is not going to help him. He will have to be scared for himself. Let him continue to fall and save yourself in the meantime. Get healthy. Get your head on straight and take care of your new job and future. Good things are in store for 2010 (remember?).

tjp613

(((( Callie )))) You gotta get through it to get to it. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment but you ARE helping him!! Not only are you helping him, but you are doing what is right for your whole family. It's really the only way for all of you to have the best chance at a healthy, happy life. You absolutely CAN get through this tunnel and over to the other side where the light is -- you have a LOT of support -- use it!

Callie

Thank you so much guys. I feel like I'm going to take a punch in the gut, but it will be done. My whole R with him has been constant hits. What makes it so hard is that this time I know it's real. This time will be final. Every time before was an empty threat or promise. I have absolutely no idea how he will react. On one hand he could take the stance that he's done enough and realize that he needs to just let me go. On the other hand it could get nasty, he's an addict without a job, without a place to live. I have no idea if this will send him further into his addiction or if it will be a wakeup call. Either way, I'm choosing to get out and not be pummeled with addiction anymore. My mom wouldn't let me back out anyway. She'd hogtie me and take me to file.

I pray that he takes the high road and just goes. I'm bracing for both I guess. I'll know more when I talk with the lawyer tomorrow as to how to proceed. It's hard because I have to put on a face as though everything is fine, when his world is about to come crashing down. I feel like a fraud that I have to act like that, but it's what has to be done. I'm sure the lawyer will swiftly proceed and get things rolling quickly. I'm scared to death for what is about to come, but the only way to it is through it.

Thank you all so much. I don't know what I would do without SR.

Suspicious

yep! fake it till you make... with the being strong thing. You are REALLY in my prayers. I am glad that your Mom is going with you tomorrow.

hello-kitty

Honey. This is not behind his back. The guy has been using and lying about it for god knows how long. You caught him. You told him it would be over if he chose to use again. He stayed clean for 6 mos.

You had your boundaries and it's your responsibility to enforce them... or not. The choice is yours. It's your life. He's already made his decision. He decided that using was more important than staying clean. He decided your boundaries and HIS FAMILY weren't important to him. At least not as important as getting high.

Carol Star

I made a list of the bad stuff and kept it on me at all times because I would get wheepy and FORGET! Towards the end I just knew 51% of me knew, I needed to leave. I did feel used. That 49% of me was..... but,but,but ...the marriage vows......my minister helped me.....the Bible says " do not be yoked to a drunkard." It took years for me to really let go. I know I am a codependent. He was my drug.....and I needed to run away from him.

Callie

I'm gonna work on a list. It's very hard for me because today he's fine. Today he doesn't appear out of it. I just need to get my heart in line with my head. Please say a prayer for me to continue to be strong, more importantly say a prayer for my kids. Our world is about to be turned upside down and shaken. It has to be done, but I seriously feel like my life is like the inside of a snow globe when you shake it. I pray that he peacefully goes.

hello-kitty

Your world has already been turned upside down and shaken. This is nothing new. This is a continuation of the past - more of the same.

Callie

You are right Anvil. I need to focus on the end goal, which is peace, serenity and free of addiction. I will get there no matter how rough the road becomes. And yes, I am serious about filing for divorce. That I won't go back on. My kids made a 2010 banner on NYE and I let them tape it to our living room wall. I'm going to leave it there as a reminder that it will NOT be like the other years. I'm going to reclaim myself, my life and I am certain that all of the energy that I've put into HIM and this M will be re-directed towards myself, my kids. I will reclaim myself and my kids will have the mother that is fully present.