suicide threats?

Old 10-05-2009, 08:57 PM
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Goshen NY
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suicide threats?

After posting here a few days ago re by AH having me ration his painpills, and then he went into my purse and ate the rest like candy..
He had also been talking seriously about getting his 2nd shoulder surgery.
not bc i believe he needs it that much, but he wants more -he s going thru tons right now from diff drs.
So tonite his son who i have spoken to confronted him.
he is an ex addict , clean 9 years.
my husband went into a fit of rage.
He blamed me for ruining his family, etc etc..and in his rage i toldh im i wanted him to leave,which he wouldn't. That was afterhe slammedmy hand in a computerhutch door. I dont think he mean to hurt me but brokemy finger. Then get gets all dramatic and says shoot me, just shoot me or put a knifein me. So i said no way, thats not the answer.

he still wont admit he has a problem, and again wants his surgery.
OMG I had to get out bc my finger was swelling and throbbing. I grabbed some clothes andmy laptop and he started crying about why cant we talk, etc. I said i would call him later and he said he might be dead by then if i walk out. i said im going to the dr and then out for one night,to get some space from him.
After the dr i tried to call him but no answer. I am a bit worried,but i dont thinkk he would do anything that stupid. He is out of his pills right now til next mon. when the dr asked me what happened i lied ...i still do love him and want him to get help but am feeling helpless here and very worried. sorry for the sloppy ty0\ping, only have 9 fingers....
So here i am in a motel room all alone and feelng horrible.
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Old 10-05-2009, 09:53 PM
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Dear Skeetermag,

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I am usually in friends/family of Alcoholics and Mental Heath, but your thread caught my eye.

I went through something somewhat similar. My SO is a recovering alcoholic with depression. He was booted out of in-patient rehab about a month ago, and instead of telling me, relapsed blah blah blah... When I wouldn't let him come back to live in my home, he tried some shelters for a day or two. I called him on the third day and he was sitting in my house (I was at work) and told me he was contemplating suicide. I told him to hang up and check himself into the hospital -- and he did. He checked himself in and spent two weeks in the mental ward. It was a very difficult time, but I was grateful he was somewhere safe. I was extremely shaken by the whole thing. It made me feel horrible that he was in such a dark place... and worried that it would not get any better for him/us/our family (we share a daughter). I fear that even if we get through this episode, down the road when there is stress, suicide would again be seen as an option to him.

I don't have any real advice for you except that you didn't cause this, you can't fix it, and you can't control it. I know it is difficult. I know because I love my stupid guy, too. It can be used as a form of manipulation and you are smart to be aware of it, even if you might end up falling victim to it. I feel that if I don't see my man through therapy, he may decide he has nothing to live for. How codependant does that sound? LOL

In order to live with myself, I've decided to support him in his "good" decisions, such as going to the doctors and checking himself in. Doing his therapy, and using new tools to communicate honestly (and positively) with me and to himself.

Regardless of what your man decides, you need to take care of YOU. If he slammed something hard enough to break your finger, then that is not a safe place for you. Is there someone can be with you? I feel for you worrying alone in a hotel. Please take care of yourself tonight. Alanon has been a huge help to me. I don't know if you go to narc-anon.. or whatever it is called, but that may be a good place to find support.

Please take care of yourself and let me know how you're doing.

(((((HUGS TO YOU )))))

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Old 10-05-2009, 11:39 PM
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I'm sorry this is happening but getting yourself out was a good thing to do. He sounds confused and unpredictable, to say the least, and you need to keep yourself safe. If you are worried he may try to hurt himself, call 911 and have the professionals do their job. If he needs the help, they can offer services. If they think he is serious or a danger to himself, they can take him to a hospital and keep him safe in spite of himself. But please do not stay around and bear the brunt of his anger and/or disorientation. Like the above poster said, you can't control this and you can't cure it (and you didn't cause it either). I say these things out of concern for you. I've been through a similar situation with my can be flat out scary what some of those pills can do to their minds.

PLEASE keep yourself safe.
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Old 10-06-2009, 04:25 AM
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Originally Posted by cynical one View Post
Any threat of suicide from an addict (or non addict) should be taken seriously. We are not qualified enough to know if it’s manipulation, wanting attention, or the real deal.
Call 911 each and every time.

This time he broke your finger…next time it could be your neck or disfigurement- without treatment violence doesn’t decrease…it always increases.
Absolutely. Regarding the suicidal threat, calling 911 does 2 things, it ensures the safety of the person talking about suicide, and it tells them that you will not be manipulated. Being locked up in a psych unit for 72 hour will definitely make the addict think about threatening suicide again.

Regarding the broken finger...yes. Call the police, make a report, get an order of protection. One of the mistakes I made was not starting that paperwork trail immediately. Once things got bad and I wanted my AH out of the house, it was impossible.

Forget him, take care of you.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:17 AM
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Please get some help and take care of you. I don't need to tell you, but I will, that drugs make "nice", normal people not so normal. Threats of suicide are cruel and manipulative and abusive. And most of all... the addict knows that they work.... or for awhile anyways. I thought I had no options when this would happen in my life. My friends here told me the same thing they have told you. Flat up tell him that if he threatens suicide again that you will take it seriously and you will call for assistance.
I did it. It helped me to feel like I had a bit of control over what I would allow for me back, it helped me to know that I set a boundary, it helped me to know that I was doing what I could in this crazy messed up situation.

It's all about control and power. The abusive person attempts to scare us into doing what he wants. Please, please talk to someone about what is going on. Friends, family, minister, counselor, go to a meeting... whatever. I found that once I decided to speak up and ask for help, I started to get stronger and heal.

Keep coming here. Know that you are not alone.
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Old 10-06-2009, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Skeetermag View Post

After the dr i tried to call him but no answer. I am a bit worried,but i dont thinkk he would do anything that stupid. He is out of his pills right now til next mon. when the dr asked me what happened i lied ...i still do love him and want him to get help but am feeling helpless here and very worried. sorry for the sloppy ty0\ping, only have 9 fingers....
So here i am in a motel room all alone and feelng horrible.

He broke your finger and then flipped it on you with the suicide threat thing.

Rationaling and lying about your injuries is classic textbook abused woman stuff.

And now you are worried that he might act upon his threat.

Of course you want him to get help. Your helplessness is an expression of being powerless over his choices. Addiction is progressive. You can allow his addiction to take you along, or not. You can get off this ride any time you want to do so or you can wish, hope, fret and worry about what you cannot control.

Each of us choose to live with chaos and drama, or not.
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Old 10-06-2009, 05:43 PM
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I agree with the others. Call 911 if he threatens suicide, call 911 if YOU feel threatened.

Both addiction & abuse are progressive.

Please take care of you, keep safe.

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Old 10-06-2009, 06:09 PM
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((((Skeeter)))) How are you doing today? Thinking of you and praying that you are in a safe place.
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Old 10-06-2009, 06:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Skeetermag View Post
he still wont admit he has a problem
Until he comes to terms with his addiction, there is nothing you can do to change this.

All you can do what you need to do to take care of yourself.

Let me tell you a story:

Three years ago, I had dropped out of my 12-step programs. I was smoking pot on a daily basis, drinking at bars, and hanging out with a number of women who were not in recovery.

My wife begged me to go back to the program and to get help, but I insisted that I was doing fine and suggested that she had a problem and she was responsible for screwing up things.

Sound familar?

My wife loved me very much but she had take care of herself; she had to have safety in the relationship. She went to Al-Anon, COSA, and Narc-Anon meetings for a year, then she moved out.

She told me that she didn't want a divorce yet, but that she could not live with me as long as I was not working a program of recovery. It was very difficult for her financially, but she managed.

It was also the best thing she could've done, both for herself and for me. When she stopped enabling my behavior, she forced me to take a good hard look at my life.

I decided that my love for my wife and, more importantly, my recovery was more important to me than my drug and alcohol use.

We have been in marriage counseling for two years, both of us working our own programs (me: SAA, AA; her: COSA, Al-Anon), and have developed a true intimacy, true appeciation for each other, and our commitment has deepened.

Yet, none of this would've been possible if my wife did not have the courage to say, "Enough is enough" and to protect herself.

I empathize with you and your difficult situation because I was once like your partner. I hope that you will do what you need to to take care of yourself.

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Old 10-07-2009, 04:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Serenity Bound View Post
I agree with the others. Call 911 if he threatens suicide, call 911 if YOU feel threatened.

Both addiction & abuse are progressive.

Please take care of you, keep safe.

Good point. And in my experience it got A LOT worse before it got better, and that took years. Here in Buffalo, a man CUT HIS WIFE'S HEAD OFF when he got served with divorce papers. There had been numerous calls to the police over the years for Domestic Violence. The week before he killed her, he went to the house and banged on the door. Big deal, right?

Be careful and don't minimize the potential danger.
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Old 10-07-2009, 07:26 AM
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what a frightening experience you went thru.

How are you doing?

How is your finger?

How is your AH?

I'm sure that you feel you are backed in a corner - probably a little scared, ok probably a lot scared, full of fear, uncertainity and lots of doubt about your future.

Many of us - some who have been in similiar situations will share lots of suggestions for you -
you may not feel you are ready to act on those suggestions

Most of all - please let me encourage you - to stay in contact with us, some safe friends, your family or some one - to make sure that YOU are ok.

Isolation in these types of circumstances is a normal thing but extremely UNSAFE.

I would love to tell you to run, hide and never talk to your AH again - but it is NOT my place to do that. Because I hate to see anyone live in those unhealthy and scary situations.

BUT It is your life and you have to make those decisions when YOU ARE READY.

MOSTLY, I want to encourage you to keep reaching out for love, support and understanding from those of us - who have been in similiar situations, who understand the things you are going thru, and just want to give you support and healthy compassion.

NO matter what.

HUGS and prayers,
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Old 10-07-2009, 08:49 AM
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You are all wonderful and full of great advice. I am home for now, but told him if he didnt get help, we are splitting up. For the first time he actually admitted to me that he has a problem and wants help. I am not falling completely for it, but we are talking and have an appt with a drug counselor.its hard to type and my finger is splinted and healing, thank you all for your concern.
Am looking locally for a group for myself.
Hoping for the best, but worrying also bc i dont trust him now and wont stand for anymore irrational outbursts.
Thank you all so very much and iwill keep u posted.
Hugs to all!
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Old 10-07-2009, 10:27 AM
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Great that he has decided to have an appointment with a drug counselor. I encourage you to make an appointment with a counselor for yourself or attend an alanon meeting. I would love you to get stronger and learn to set firm boundaries for the kind of behavior you are going to accept in your life. Being part of someone elses addiction can make us as sick as the addicts. And just like the addict, we don't even realize we might need help.

I think having a plan is a key part in the personal journey loved ones of addict. Say he doesn't go to the appointment with the counselor what then? Do you have an escape plan if the abuse escalates (because once it happens once, it usually will happen again - only worse)?

My ex punched me in the face when I was 8 months pregnant. I lied to the doctor too - told her I smacked myself in the face with a broom handle. It was a turning point for me but still, to this day, I would probably defend him if asked. Codependents are just that way. He didn't mean it. Maybe I deserved it because I was being a bitch. He apologized. He was withdrawing and not in his right mind. And so on and so forth. The fact is, it happened and I needed to focus on the action and my response to his behavior. Not make excuses for his behavior. Hitting someone in the face or breaking their finger is NOT ok. No matter what the circumstances are. Addict never "mean" to hurt you. But they are selfish. They are only concerned with themselves and getting what they need.

Have an escape plan. Just in case. It never hurts to be prepared.

Learn how to set boundaries for yourself. Learn to enforce consequense for when someone violates them.

Take this seriously. Addiction is very serious. Accidently breaking your finger, no matter how you try to minimize it, is serious.

HUGS. We are here for you.
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