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need advice from mothers

Old 10-03-2009, 02:16 PM
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need advice from mothers

Hi, I've been here before. I don't post much, just read looking for strength.
Long story short, My son is an addict (heroine , oxycodone, xanax), for a long time. He's 30 now. He spent a year in prison, got out last January, and has been using on and off since then.I've pretty much been a codie until recently, when I told him not to call me if he's in trouble because of his drugs. His wife has kicked him out, but always taken him back. This time she is done with him for good. There's children involved, the youngest is 3 but the older ones have seen too much already. I know it's hard for her, but she has to do it. I see that alot of posts are from spouses or exes. And please don't get me wrong, I know it's hard for everyone involved with addiction. Years ago I had a relationship with an addict, and kicked him out. It wasn;t easy. What I need to know is, as a mother, how do you deal with knowing that he might die? I think possibly you can get over your feelings for a spouse, but how do you deal with it when it's your son or daughter?
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Old 10-03-2009, 02:26 PM
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Originally Posted by kellster View Post
What I need to know is, as a mother, how do you deal with knowing that he might die? I think possibly you can get over your feelings for a spouse, but how do you deal with it when it's your son or daughter?
Hello Kellster.. Welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are going through this.

I think this question can go to anyone. Who wants to think about any loved one dying, nonetheless, one who is intentionally killing themselves? Everyone grieves in different ways... and there isn't any one answer on how to "get over" a loved ones death after addiction.

My RBF used Heroin. I did think about him overdosing when he was using but then I sought out support and realized that if he does, I couldn't control it. I couldn't worry about if he was going to die or not. I would drive myself insane and possibly die myself from too much worrying and I have a 5 year old son who needs me. I couldn't allow his illness (addiction) affect me.

I just prayed every night really hard that my Higher Power will keep him safe and that he will guide him to seek recovery. Thankfully, for this day, he is safe and in rehab. However, if he chooses to go back out and use again, then he has made the choice to dance with death. It's between him and his Higher Power.

I know I can't relate too much as I don't have a child with addiction issues, but I surely can relate to the pain of worrying about someone who puts themselves in harm's way daily.

There will be plenty of mothers and fathers that will stop by to help you. :ghug3
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:09 PM
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This is a really tough situation. I'm sorry you are going through this. I think I would pray for help for my son. Perhaps he will get 12-stepped and come into the program. You need to try to let go and let God. I put my family through hell as well and I can't believe they didn't give up on me. You don't need to give up hope but you need to give up your co-dependence, you are only hurting yourself.

I hope this helped.
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Old 10-03-2009, 03:41 PM
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I was thinking about your question and I hope you understand my answer. I think I was always more afraid of him getting himself in trouble and getting arrested. When he was home there were times I was afraid of going into his room and him not breathing. But for some reason I worried about trouble more and in the end I was right , he went to jail for a few months. That turned into a blessing because I knew he was safe. When I did think about him overdosing I thought at least he would be out of his pain and we would eventually move on. It was the not knowing what was going to happen next that drove me crazy because it was always something bad. It is heartbreaking that this disease destroys families. I am sure you son loves his children but he still uses knowing he will probably lose them. I can't imagine what it is like for the addict to try to fight this.
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Old 10-03-2009, 04:33 PM
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Kellster, My daughter was just turned 19 when a "friend" introduced her to snorting heroin. She played with the fire and believed Ithink that she was in control. When she started getting scared of what was happening, 5 months later, the drugs were in full control. That's when she told me. I spent the next few months trying to "help" her and truly lost myself very quickly. I started to understand a little more about my part in the dance and found help for myself when she went to rehab. After her first overdose I came to the realization, when she went back out, that yes she definitely could die - she almost had and yet still used. As she kept struggling with trying recovery but not fully surrendering, I had to fully surrender myself. I was definitely powerless over controling her or her addiction. I could not follow her around 24-7 to be sure she didn't use. I could not make her life and mine a living hell with MY insanity. I had to let go and trust in her higher power and mine. It was difficult and I had to grieve...I had to face that reality and know that no matter what I did, it didn't matter.

Taking that step helped both of us. My daughter knew this was her battle and she worked hard to try to beat her addiction. I started to find myself again and I know she was relieved because she felt terrribly guilty and shamed by how addiction had impacted me and others she loved. As a result, although she would struggle and relapse, she would continue to try and we had some beautiful and memorable times together for 2 more months. In July of 2006, a year after she first picked up, I lost her to an overdose. I know for certain that I could not have prevented that and I know for certain that she is at peace and not suffering. Of course it broke my heart and of course I grieve... we all grieve because of addiction. But I have had to continue to work my recovery and I can tell you that although I will miss my daughter every day I live, I also cherish the time I had with her. I have found some other beautiful things in my life now; I have learned to smile again and yes even laugh. I understand what it is to be spiritual now; I take care of myself; I love simple things and connecting with nature. It all brings me peace and I am going to be okay.

I guess my point is that yes, it happens, but living life in fear of it happening only creates a living hell. I hope you can work on focusing back on you, enjoying your grandchildren and rediscovering the things you loved about life before addiction started seeping into your joy.
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Old 10-03-2009, 08:28 PM
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I am so sorry for you and your family. My son was a herion addict. I said was because he died of herion overdose 11-08. I was always their for him . NOT the right thing to do , let him see how hard it is and what happens when he has to go it alone. I have been in grief for all this time wanted to see him hear his voice just once more. But it was the path he took and I didn't cause it, and I couldn't cure it he has to do it alone. I loved him with all my heart he was my only child don't know why he chose the path he did. I loved him to death and I feel guilt for that. Losing a child no matter how he dies is a loss I can't even tell you how it feels its a part of you that is always their in your heart, and in your mind. Letting him know you love him but how much you hate the drugs. Bless you and I will pray he finds his way.
Your friend,
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Old 10-03-2009, 09:20 PM
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I've been through the wringer with my now 31 year old AD. I"ve been through denial, rage, pain, tried to bargain with her, tried to control her, enabled, thrown fits, broke down in uncontrollable sobs, lost sleep, gotten physically ill from the insanity of it all, you name it.

When she overdosed in front of her children and was rushed away in an amulance unresponsive, I really thought that might be her bottom.

How very wrong I was.

Just as I've had to hit a bottom in many areas of my life, I also had to hit a bottom with having an addicted child, and finally let go.

As a recovering addict myself, who was also married to an addict (now deceased), and in recovery as a codependent, I now realize that God has a plan for each and every one of us.

So many of the things that have happened to me in my life that I thought were the worst things possible at the time turned out to be blessings in disguise.

The five years I was with my EXAH were filled with violence and rage. Fear permeated every corner of my life. I was beaten every day unless he was gone on one of his drug runs.

That marriage is what finally brought me to my knees in my own addictions, and today I am grateful for that.

When my ex-fiance walked out on me and my youngest daughter over 10 years ago, leaving me high and dry financially, and a screaming wailing mess on the floor, I finally hit my codependent bottom in relationships.

Today I am grateful for that experience.

How can I not have faith in a loving God, despite what my eyes think they see?

I sleep well at night knowing I have place my daughter in God's loving hands.

:ghug2 :ghug2
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Old 10-04-2009, 12:58 AM
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Fear is a powerful thing. As a mother of a 23 year old, addicted son, I know the fear you speak of. I also know that I cannot live my life in constant fear...it is not healthy for me as a person.

I know that I did not cause my sons addiction, I can't control it and I can't cure it. This has been a gift that I have learned in my own recovery. It has made a large difference in my life.

On down days, I sink into dreaming...thinking about what a sweet, loving child my son was. Thinking about all the dreams and plans I had for his future. I still struggle with this. But, I always return to reality...he is an adult making choices for his life. I can't put him in time out and hope he learned his lesson anymore. I always knew being a mother was the hardest, most rewarding job I would ever have. I just never expected this.

I remind myself that I did everything I could to raise my son to the best of my abilities. While he is still my son, my baby, he is also a grown man. Realizing that I cannot save him, I cannot fix the choices he makes has been HUGE for me.

Keep coming back. The folks here have been such a blessing to me, as I am sure they will for you. I wish you peace.
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Old 10-04-2009, 02:11 AM
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I try not to worry about the "what ifs"
We have to keep focused in the "now "
Step in and help find treatment or detach if the time in not right.
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Old 10-04-2009, 07:42 AM
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To all of you who answered, I cannot tell you enough how much each and every one of you has helped me. All these years, I kept hoping, if I help him just one more time, this will be the time that he will stay clean. I know now that I can't do it for him. I guess I knew it all along, but that "Motherly- I can fix this" thing kept me from seeing what I really had to do. You are all such a blessing, and I thank you. It helps to know I am not alone. God Bless all of you
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Old 10-04-2009, 08:51 AM
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Originally Posted by kellster View Post
To all of you who answered, I cannot tell you enough how much each and every one of you has helped me. All these years, I kept hoping, if I help him just one more time, this will be the time that he will stay clean. I know now that I can't do it for him. I guess I knew it all along, but that "Motherly- I can fix this" thing kept me from seeing what I really had to do. You are all such a blessing, and I thank you. It helps to know I am not alone. God Bless all of you
I have often referred back to this poignant poem when I've had the urge to fix. :ghug2



Broken Dreams

As children bring their broken toys
With tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
Because He was my friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
In peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.

At last I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow"
"My child," He said, "What could I do?
You never did let go."

Robert J. Burdette
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:02 AM
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Originally Posted by greeteachday View Post

In July of 2006, a year after she first picked up, I lost her to an overdose. I know for certain that I could not have prevented that and I know for certain that she is at peace and not suffering.
Life changing words, GD.

This is acceptance of being powerless over someone else's choices.

Thank you for sharing this. You made a difference.
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:19 AM
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(((Freedom)))

LOVE that poem.. I have it posted on my fridge...and it brings me alot of comfort and strength when I struggle with letting go.

Kellster...
I'm sorry for your situation.
The addict in my life is my exhusband...and that was absolutely horrible...I can't even imagine how different the road would be if the addict were my son. In the end, no matter what the relationship, we have to find a way to let go and accept that we are powerless over what the addict might do.

My prayers go out to you and your son.
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:30 AM
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Thanks again to all. Freedom, that is a beautiful poem Thanks for sharing it.
God Bless you
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Old 10-04-2009, 10:57 AM
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kellster, my 21 year old currently RAD was recently diagnosed with Hep C. I know and accept that she may precede me in death but it is her life today that I cherish
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Old 10-04-2009, 11:18 AM
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Everyone has posted some really good advice.
for me my son is an addict and type 1 diabetic - he's just 16 but with his disease and lifestyle the odds are that i will outlive him. I would honestly say that i have had my doubts that he would even live past 21. I tried to fight it and control it and just made it worse for him and myself so i gave up any notion that i had any control over the situation and put it in the hands of HP.
Secondly i realized that fear is just the unknown - it hasnt happened so instead of letting my imagination run wild i do my best to live in the day - today he is alive and safe so i leave it at that and am grateful for today.
Finally i realize that this is his choice - he knows the consequences and i have to let him go to live his own life and suffer the consequences of his choices.
This is not easy to live with but at this point i have decided to just be his mom. to love him for who he is but to have strict boundaries for what is done around me and what involvement i will take when he uses. if he choses to use then I cannot be a part of it - however, i still love him. For me personally loving him from a distance has helped me cope and in turn has helped him. I cannot save him, I cannot change him, I cannot stop his death, I will not get involved in fixing his problems, but i can love him today and that's all i can do.
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Old 10-04-2009, 12:32 PM
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Hello Kellster and welcome to SR. So sad to hear of such. But your not alone. Our optioins are if we don't get our lives together such as help with our addiction. We only
have jails insitutation, and deaf. It's sad, but true, we do kill ourselves slowly if we don't get help. Dealing with feelings, all I can say is stay in the moment.
I wish you well.
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Old 10-04-2009, 01:55 PM
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Hello Kellster. My addict is my 24 yr old daughter. She is my only child. She is addicted to Oxycotin and has been for quite a while now. I did everything that most mothers have done to try and help her. I have fixed and fixed and tried to fix until there is nothing left that I can do. I have done her no favors. I have 2 grandchildren ages 2 & 6. It has been a month now since I asked her to leave my house. She left the 6 year old with me, but would not let me have the 2 year old. She talks about getting help, going into rehab, doing the right thing, all the things I want to hear. But to date it is all talk. I do fear the worst, that she might die. I love her with all my heart, but I have found more peace in the month that she has been gone than I have for a long long time. I pray everyday that her HP takes care of her and my grandchild. Then I just try to focus on living my life, and straightening out the mess that I have made of it. Nothing I have ever done has helped my child to stay clean, as much as I wanted it for her. Letting go of the fear is the thing that has helped me the most. Just waking up everyday and saying a prayer for her, and letting her go. I have to let God take care of the rest.

Gotahavfaith
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Old 10-04-2009, 03:56 PM
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I have read all of your posts over and over again today. You all have really helped me! I think fear is my biggest problem, and you're right, I can't fear the unknown because it hasn't happened. I think realizing that I can't fix him was a huge step for me. I do absolutely believe in my HP, I just sometimes forget to put things in his hands. Is fear the same as sadness? I don't know, but I have a shadow of sadness over me because he is losing his family, and everything else in his life. I can't seem to get rid of the sadness.
I am praying for all of you and your loved ones. Your posts have really touched my heart in so many ways. Bless you all and heartfelt thanks.
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Old 10-04-2009, 04:28 PM
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Sadness Definition | Definition of Sadness at Dictionary.com

fear
–noun
1. a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.
2. a specific instance of or propensity for such a feeling: an abnormal fear of heights.
3. concern or anxiety; solicitude: a fear for someone's safety.
4. reverential awe, esp. toward God.
5. that which causes a feeling of being afraid; that of which a person is afraid: Cancer is a common fear.

sad
–adjective, sad⋅der, sad⋅dest.
1. affected by unhappiness or grief; sorrowful or mournful: to feel sad because a close friend has moved away.
2. expressive of or characterized by sorrow: sad looks; a sad song.
3. causing sorrow: a sad disappointment; sad news.
4. (of color) somber, dark, or dull; drab.
5. deplorably bad; sorry: a sad attempt.
6. Obsolete. firm or steadfast.

As you see the definition for both are quite different but both we experience in dealing with our addicts. The key is recognizing these emotions and being able to find peace with the situation.

peace
  
–noun
1. the normal, nonwarring condition of a nation, group of nations, or the world.
2. (often initial capital letter) an agreement or treaty between warring or antagonistic nations, groups, etc., to end hostilities and abstain from further fighting or antagonism: the Peace of Ryswick.
3. a state of mutual harmony between people or groups, esp. in personal relations: Try to live in peace with your neighbors.
4. the normal freedom from civil commotion and violence of a community; public order and security: He was arrested for being drunk and disturbing the peace.
5. cessation of or freedom from any strife or dissension.
6. freedom of the mind from annoyance, distraction, anxiety, an obsession, etc.; tranquillity; serenity.

7. a state of tranquillity or serenity
8. a state or condition conducive to, proceeding from, or characterized by tranquillity: the peace of a mountain resort.
9. silence; stillness: The cawing of a crow broke the afternoon's peace.
10. (initial capital letter, italics) a comedy (421 b.c.) by Aristophanes.
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