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14 yr old niece caught with cigarettes

Old 03-11-2009, 12:13 PM
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Angry 14 yr old niece caught with cigarettes

Ok I am having a meeting with my niece about her being caught with a cigarette. She "CLAIMS"" she was holding it for a friend. Yet being with an addict for many years and being a smoker myself I have use that excuse like many addicts make up excuses. How many of us have been told we are hanging on to it for a "friend"". She wants to talk to me about it and try to BS me too. I have no problem talking to her and listening to her side but I dont think she expects me to call her out on the BS. I think she thinks she can sway me to believe her. Should I? Should I give her the benefit that she was holding it for a friend? I know what the truth is. I have done it too and guess what it was MY smoke I was holding for later. I keep telling her she isnt re-inventing the wheel here but I dont know how to make her see my point. nor care cause in her mind thats what she believes but I dont. I know it isnt true. Sorry but smokes are so much more addicting.

How many of us wish that we would have listened to the people about how dumb it is when we were 13-14yrs old. Its the age where they think I WONT get addicted and I can stop anytime. I thought that too. 20yrs later I still smoke. So how do I get through to her? Without making it look like I know shes lying? What would u do? I want to tell her how stupid it is and how addicting it is and its SO hard to walk away from.

Any ideas how to address this without coming across as a I know its ********? Please give me advice or how u would handle this? Thanks Kim
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:24 PM
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Hi
Sorry to hear this! I deal with students all day everyday. I would discuss this with her without pointing the finger and let her know that you are there for her. But, when it is all said and done I would ask her to tell me the name of the friend she was holding it for because you were concerned about their well being as well. If she can't produce a name then you know your suspicions are true.
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:26 PM
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She did say a name I and I think this person doesnt even smoke hes into sports and everything else. Which is what makes me call her BS. This is so hard
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:28 PM
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If you know it's stupid of her, and bullshi*, then why should you be reluctant to call a spade a spade?

On the minuscule chance that she's telling the truth about them being a "friend's," I'd say she deserves your lack of trust just due to her display of lack of judgment for even possessing such an item, for a "friend." Next it will be hard drug paraphernalia, and do you think the cops will listen if she gets caught and tells them the stuff is her "friend's?" She may as well learn early there are consequences for even being in a position where it LOOKS like she's guilty.

Don't base your response on what may or may not be "true." Base your response on WHAT IS. SHE WAS CAUGHT IN POSSESSION OF CIGARETTES.
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Old 03-11-2009, 12:53 PM
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Well the last time she was called out about POT and her friends smoking it she lives in my dads house who has passed away so it my and my sisters house. I told her I called the cops and they would be there. I am not loosing my house because she wants to get high. The she quit smoking pot now its cigarettes. I know shes lying I personally when I was that age if I found a smoke it was MINE. I know this she knows this and I wont put up with it. How do I get though to her? Damn its hard cause at that age they know eveything. I guess I will call her out not sure if I offer her a smoke and tell her its ok and see if she takes it then I will know, but shes not that stupid. If that was the case I would punish her. How do I get her to admit without coming across that she will be in trouble? Knowing if she admitted it I would make consequences happen. I thought I have told them enough this is the dumbest habbit that I have ever done..... So maybe if I can catch her before she is addicted it would help. The only way I can think of is what my parents did to my older sisters who dont smoke and that is make them sick off of smokes. I dont know if its the right thing to do but it work for my sisters. They never did that to me though and I still smoke I'm 33 started when I was 13 so now its serious. I dont want to come across that she cant trust me yet I want to teach her a lesson. As parents what would u do when they are young enough to catch it?
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Old 03-11-2009, 01:47 PM
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need more advice I meet with her in 1hr. I finally broke down a secret I have been keeping its pretty much if I dont quit I will die from it. I have to carry an inhaler around and my blood work came back not good. She started crying. I am only 33 yet could die very soon cause of my smoking. All my lymphnodes are swollen and my blood work came back not too good. I havent shared this with my family but I wanted to get through to her. I am only 33 dont want to die yet its outta my hands. I keep positive and dont talk about it. infact my fiance just found out over listening to that converstation. I have my Dr calling me back hoping that he can clear things out and explain what smoking does. Even afer the scare I am still smoking. I'm addicted not easy to stop. Yet I am ONLY 33 so much life ahead of me yet I choose smoking. This is the mind of an addict. I quit everything else that would kill me yet smoking is gonna kill me first. DAMNIT.
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:10 PM
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Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
kim - why not use this exact subject in your convo with your niece. tell her, LOOK i'm scared for you cuz i was a dum dum and now look at what i'm facing???
I agree. If you smoke and are not upfront with her she's going to think "well, you're fine and you smoke.". Be blunt with the trouble you've had quitting, medical and so on.

It may not stop her from smoking but I guarantee she'll think about it everytime she lights up, if you are completely venerable with her and let her SEE how scared you are for yourself and for her.
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:31 PM
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My p Doc just called and said since she has a Dr he cannot treat her YET he will talk to her about smoking and my health issues and maybe scare her straight. Thank God I have a Dr that would do that. Since I dont have Ins. they called someone and had a bunch of inhallers that I have never needed dropped off all I have to do is pick them up. So when I go in to get them he will call me and my niece back and discuss what is happening. Maybe scrared straight. No my fiance is in full panic too. What have I dont. Oh well as long as it helps her I dont care about my medical crap being out there. maybe its her wake up call. I dont know what else to do. But scared stright might work. What do u think?
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:44 PM
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Kim, I think it's a very good idea that your doc will talk to her. I also think it's GOOD that your condition is out in the open. Please do what you have to, to take care of yourself. I, too, am addicted to cigarettes, I understand.

Hugs & Prayers,
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:52 PM
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My Doc called and will talk to her and explain everything. I have NEVER needed an inhaler I have never needed anything as far as my smoking goes but as the years pass it get worse and worse. I was just rushed to the hospital not long ago cause I couldnt breath, yet I still light up. Doesnt matter but maybe she will see what happens and know its not the cool thing to do. Maybe be being vulnerable will teach a lesson. I just feel bad that scott learned this by overhearing a converstation that maybe I should have had with him first. Denial I guess.

THanks everyone.
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Old 03-11-2009, 02:56 PM
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I just filled up all my drugs in a shopping bag and will show her, her future and maybe will be her wake up call!!
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:09 PM
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Your right but how? I am trying yet I fail. I will keep on trucking on I will remain vigilante in my quest. Maybe scrared straight.
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:12 PM
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Bottom line is its illegal for a 14 yo to possess cigarettes but not you - just like it is illegal for her to have alcohol but not you because you are a consenting adult. it is not a double standard it is a law. I can legally do these things because i'm an adult - bottom line case closed, my house my rules - children do not drink or smoke in my house.

I wouldnt buy it at all that they were someone else's. if she got caught holding drugs, stolen goods, anything illegal would it be a valid argument in a court that they were not her's. I would punish her in the exact same way as if you caught her with a cig in her mouth. If i could go back and do this all over again with my son when i caught him doing these "little things" i would have enforced consequences that would have meant something instead of believing all the bs that he told me and taking the blame because i have a beer now and then or i smoked pot when i was younger. none of this matters - what matters is your neice and my son are minors and they cannot do these things. when my son is 18 and has his own money he can buy his cigarettes and smoke all he wants - until that time its just no. dont let a child turn their consequences onto you.
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Old 03-11-2009, 03:25 PM
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Winnie I appreciate your response YET this doesnt work all the time. What if you would have practiced this? Would your son have turned out any better? It doesnt work for everyone. My nieces have been through enough. I am NOT defended them YET how old where we when we started smoking. Where did it get u in teaching your son anything? They will do what they want I can only be a positive influence and I try to be yet I am only human. Its so much easier to give advice and tell us whats wrong and what we have been through. How often is that advice listened too? How many excuses are made when its our own kids?

I dont live in a glass house I live in reality. I appreciate what is said to me about many people yet when those people live in thier own reality and give out tough love yet dont accept it. I have a hard time listening to those people. Nothing against you and I appreciate and I know you have been there done that yet when it comes to your own we all act different. I have a plan I will put in action as an addict and a a person. she will get it one way or another. THanks though.
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Old 03-11-2009, 05:14 PM
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I agree with Winnie. It is illegal for her to smoke cigarettes. She needs to know that her actions have consequences. It's good to talk to her about how cigarettes damage her health. However, at 14, this probably won't make much of a dent in her thinking. She is thinking about the here and now. My step-daughter started smoking around 16 because she liked a guy who smoked. At 14, she needs structure, and consequences to her actions. You can take away her TV watching for an evening or her phone privileges. That is something that she will "get." We did the same with my step-daughter. We had consequences if she had cigarettes in the home or smoked at home. We couldn't control what she did when she was away from home. She stopped smoking completely when she got to be about 19.
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Old 03-11-2009, 05:28 PM
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kim, I'm sorry for what you are going through. I'm glad your tyring to get her to stop. I wish my parents would have told me not to smoke when I was young. I didn't quit untill 10 years ago and started as a teenager. Thought I looked "cool". Yup...sooo cool.
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Old 03-11-2009, 06:27 PM
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You are in a position to give advice, but don't lecture. I think that will wind her up even more.
I smoked, my sister smokes and my mum smoked. I remember sitting next to my mum and breathing in her smoke (I was six) as I loved the smell.. However now, she is disgusted with other smokers. As a nurse she is so judgemental it is untrue when she meets a patient who smokes and is ill. It makes my blood boil. She subcummed to smoking and managed to give up. Who the heck is she to lecture? She can advise from her own experiences but I think it is wrong for her to come down with the heavy word when she was no better.

I always remember a legendary lecture from her when I was smoking at 15. She said a lot of (cigarette)smokers progress onto hard drugs. I asked, did you? You smoked from 14 to 38 years old. What could she reply?

I have stopped smoking a while now and I LOVE it. No more smelly hair, cothes, house or car. However, despite the heath scares (and I recruit cancer patients into clinical trials so I see the effects), the main the thing that made me stop was a comment from a male colleague. He was dicussing an autopsy that he had attended. The lead clinican said ' you can tell this lady was a smoker, her features have become masculinised'.
Yep, apparenty smoking makes you look like a fella!!!!!
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Old 03-11-2009, 06:28 PM
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I also do not agree with the illegal issue.
If cigarettes are marketed as an 'adult/over 18/not for minors etc, it ony makes them so much more alluring!!! That's backed up in the UK by market research.
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Old 03-12-2009, 12:38 AM
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So I finally called her BS she said fine it was her smoke "she had a bad day" I tried to be understanding yet disappointed. She said she smoked once. I made her take a drag off my smoke u know they usually dont inhale she did it like a champ. My sister who doesnt smoke I called her in she is the mom I said take a drag off this she did and coughed her bloody brains out. I said see the difference YOU LYING to me. So I have an appt with my Dr to talk to her even though he cant treat her, I have an appt with the hospital with cancer patients. I have an appt with another girl I used to work for who handles the real city districts she will see the light and if she dont not my problem I did what I could. I only know whe will regret it in the end and Wish she never started. Maybe scared straight I dont care its outta my hands. I will not enable her not condone it. its such a shame though.
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Old 03-12-2009, 06:15 AM
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When i say its illegal i'm not saying call the police on her for cigs - I'm saying that it is illegal for her to do it and that means that i dont condone them doing it. Just like a 14 yo shouldnt drink or have sex - they're not ready for these things.

Here's why i think its serious. The kids who smoke cigs are much more likely to be the kids who will try pot - the kids who smoke pot are much more likely to be kids who try drinking and heavier drugs. its a fact that i have seen proven by the kids that i know - the majority that got caught with cigs at that young age are now the ones getting in trouble for drugs. Would things have been differently if i would have enforced tough consequences for small rules being broke - YES they would have been very different - this is the biggest mistake i ever made parenting. but i just said "oh he's just being a boy and experimenting." I tried talking and being his friend when what I should have done was teach him how actions have consequences. If I could go back to where your neice is right now and do it all over I would have done it very differently. I would not have been his understanding mom that he can manipulate I would have instead said these are the rules and this is what happens when you break the rules. 14 is when my son started doing drugs - it started with cigarettes, moved to pot and then to heavier drugs so when i see 13 or 14 yo kids smoking it always turns my stomach because I know that the odds are against them and I hate to see any kid walk down the path that my son did. What i ignored all that time was the fact that addiction runs so heavily in both sides of my son's family which meant that he was high risk.

Last night he called me from rehab all upset about things going on and started begging me to buy him cigarettes when he gets leave this weekend. I said no and he got upset at me. The thing is he is relying on substances to try to make him feel better instead of working through this - this is his addictive nature. Many of the kids parents let them smoke - they figure its the lesser of the evils and no big deal. I dont see it that way - I see it as them being dependant on substances to feel good.
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