Need some feedback
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
Immpurrect,
For me, I used to get very frustrated because I "got it" and was able to deal with my own problems and couldn't figure out why my sibs didn't. They are all smarter than me, why couldn't they?
Everyone here has said it very well. I just thought I'd add this bit.
Love to you,
Lenina
For me, I used to get very frustrated because I "got it" and was able to deal with my own problems and couldn't figure out why my sibs didn't. They are all smarter than me, why couldn't they?
Everyone here has said it very well. I just thought I'd add this bit.
Love to you,
Lenina
Just plainly tired
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: crossroads
Posts: 2,834
Amy,
You already know this but I just wanted to say you can not make anyone see they have a problem... and for codies... you cant make them face the reality of addiction of the person they love.
All I could really say is don't get swallowed up in the chaos and focus on you and only you. If others dont want to help themselves then thats on them.
hugs to you Amy
You already know this but I just wanted to say you can not make anyone see they have a problem... and for codies... you cant make them face the reality of addiction of the person they love.
All I could really say is don't get swallowed up in the chaos and focus on you and only you. If others dont want to help themselves then thats on them.
hugs to you Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I finally accepted the "let go and let God" part. Just took a day
Yesterday, dad told me he's checking into filing bankruptcy. I do feel bad for him, as he has tried hard to not have to do this. I know this is also not my problem. However, I did agree to pay him $100/week in rent when I moved back home, and have not done so since the robbery on Oct. 5, until last week, because my hours were cut, at work, so drastically. I also haven't been able to pay him back money he loaned me in June, when I totaled my car, because that's the first time they cut my hours.
He's never asked for the money, as he knows I didn't have it. Anyway, he talked to a lawyer, who says they can't help him because his van (that he uses for work) is paid for by the 2nd mortgage on the house and they will take it, leaving him no way to work. I called my lawyer, who I know from my old AA group (2 hours away). He gave me a name of a bankruptcy lawyer, and said to have dad call him and tell him he referred him, and tell him of mine and his connection (AA) and he may be able to help.
So, of course, stepmom says "my nerves are shot, I need to lay down". It didn't even phase me. I've accepted that this is her way of dealing with stuff..taking pills and/or sleeping through it. Dad will actually meet most problems, head on, except when it comes to addiction or illness, then he becomes an ostrich and sticks his head in the sand.
I have my own character defects, and those are the only ones I'm responsible for. I am glad that he came to me, to talk about the bankruptcy. He values my opinion, and that means a lot to me. We even discussed him selling me the van, but they look for things like that, so it wouldn't work. The fact that he would be willing to do that, made me realize that he now trusts me 100%, and that's pretty awesome, for this recovering crack addict
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Yesterday, dad told me he's checking into filing bankruptcy. I do feel bad for him, as he has tried hard to not have to do this. I know this is also not my problem. However, I did agree to pay him $100/week in rent when I moved back home, and have not done so since the robbery on Oct. 5, until last week, because my hours were cut, at work, so drastically. I also haven't been able to pay him back money he loaned me in June, when I totaled my car, because that's the first time they cut my hours.
He's never asked for the money, as he knows I didn't have it. Anyway, he talked to a lawyer, who says they can't help him because his van (that he uses for work) is paid for by the 2nd mortgage on the house and they will take it, leaving him no way to work. I called my lawyer, who I know from my old AA group (2 hours away). He gave me a name of a bankruptcy lawyer, and said to have dad call him and tell him he referred him, and tell him of mine and his connection (AA) and he may be able to help.
So, of course, stepmom says "my nerves are shot, I need to lay down". It didn't even phase me. I've accepted that this is her way of dealing with stuff..taking pills and/or sleeping through it. Dad will actually meet most problems, head on, except when it comes to addiction or illness, then he becomes an ostrich and sticks his head in the sand.
I have my own character defects, and those are the only ones I'm responsible for. I am glad that he came to me, to talk about the bankruptcy. He values my opinion, and that means a lot to me. We even discussed him selling me the van, but they look for things like that, so it wouldn't work. The fact that he would be willing to do that, made me realize that he now trusts me 100%, and that's pretty awesome, for this recovering crack addict
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
Amy- Nice and upbeat girl ....I love hearing the positive....now.....how are YOU?
I love ya!
Pamm, Edward and your furbabies neices
( BTW had amino((Think that is how it is spelled)) yesterday find out to marrow the sexes.....still shaking hard about!)
I love ya!
Pamm, Edward and your furbabies neices
( BTW had amino((Think that is how it is spelled)) yesterday find out to marrow the sexes.....still shaking hard about!)
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Amy, it's amazeing what a 'day' of thinking/rest/writing can do to soothe the soul.
Be proud of yourself for working so hard to get through YOUR own problems with addiction and recovery.
Leave that hard work up to them as well.
It must hurt like heck to feel powerless over people who SHOULD be care-takeing for you, (by the laws of nature) parents watch over and worry about children, not the other way around.
That has always been my saving grace, that I have to stay strong for my kids, so they NEVER have to worry about me.
As it is - my kids 'worry' if they see me 'sad'..... It breaks my heart. Kids at ANY age shouldn't have to have that burden.
I'm sorry that you have to walk that road. I guess it goes back to what my mom always told me. She always said that we don't choose the deck of cards that god gave us. It's our job to play the hand to the best of our ability, and that he dosen't give us anything we can't handle, or that we weren't supposed to have for his own reasons.
Hugs,
Cessy
Be proud of yourself for working so hard to get through YOUR own problems with addiction and recovery.
Leave that hard work up to them as well.
It must hurt like heck to feel powerless over people who SHOULD be care-takeing for you, (by the laws of nature) parents watch over and worry about children, not the other way around.
That has always been my saving grace, that I have to stay strong for my kids, so they NEVER have to worry about me.
As it is - my kids 'worry' if they see me 'sad'..... It breaks my heart. Kids at ANY age shouldn't have to have that burden.
I'm sorry that you have to walk that road. I guess it goes back to what my mom always told me. She always said that we don't choose the deck of cards that god gave us. It's our job to play the hand to the best of our ability, and that he dosen't give us anything we can't handle, or that we weren't supposed to have for his own reasons.
Hugs,
Cessy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Good idea, ((Done)). I need to remember...I only have to deal with what's inside MY hula hoop
I had to laugh...stepmom came in to ask me something about getting her hair done. One of the cats (the mouthy one) "fussed" at her either because she woke him up or because she wasn't talking to him. Guess I have 3 cats in my hula hoop.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I had to laugh...stepmom came in to ask me something about getting her hair done. One of the cats (the mouthy one) "fussed" at her either because she woke him up or because she wasn't talking to him. Guess I have 3 cats in my hula hoop.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
*~10 YEARS BABY~*
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Hollywood
Posts: 9,369
Originally Posted by Impurrfect 
Good idea, ((Done)). I need to remember...I only have to deal with what's inside MY hula hoop
I had to laugh...stepmom came in to ask me something about getting her hair done. One of the cats (the mouthy one) "fussed" at her either because she woke him up or because she wasn't talking to him. Guess I have 3 cats in my hula hoop.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I had to laugh...stepmom came in to ask me something about getting her hair done. One of the cats (the mouthy one) "fussed" at her either because she woke him up or because she wasn't talking to him. Guess I have 3 cats in my hula hoop.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
NEVER shut up.........
Talk about HIGH Maintenance. omg
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Amy, I am glad you are back on track
I am sorry to hear about your Dad's money troubles, though...Life can be relentless sometimes...
but so glad that he has '100% faith' in you, I appreciate what that means to you ....well earned, I'd say
I am sorry to hear about your Dad's money troubles, though...Life can be relentless sometimes...
but so glad that he has '100% faith' in you, I appreciate what that means to you ....well earned, I'd say
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Amy, I said I'd share what I learned from my therapist and I saw him today. The timing was perfect because my husband and daughter had another problem while I was driving home.
I walked in the door and went straight to him. Instead of saying the usual "when you're ready to deal with your issues...", I got to use the new tactic of "I know you're not ready to deal with your pain, anger, and fears but you're forcing the rest of us to deal with it and that's unacceptable."
I told him he has to own his issues if he expects our RAD and me to continue owning ours. For the next three minutes, what I said to him was almost exactly what I said to our RAD before she went to rehab.
He drug his sorry ass down the stairs and apologized. For the next hour they had a pleasant conversation one on one.
Substituting addiction or alcoholism for "pain, anger, and fears" works for just about any of us. The only thing it changes is putting it back on the person - holding up a mirror as my therapist likes to say - and helps me maintain my serenity.
I walked in the door and went straight to him. Instead of saying the usual "when you're ready to deal with your issues...", I got to use the new tactic of "I know you're not ready to deal with your pain, anger, and fears but you're forcing the rest of us to deal with it and that's unacceptable."
I told him he has to own his issues if he expects our RAD and me to continue owning ours. For the next three minutes, what I said to him was almost exactly what I said to our RAD before she went to rehab.
He drug his sorry ass down the stairs and apologized. For the next hour they had a pleasant conversation one on one.
Substituting addiction or alcoholism for "pain, anger, and fears" works for just about any of us. The only thing it changes is putting it back on the person - holding up a mirror as my therapist likes to say - and helps me maintain my serenity.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by Impurrfect
I'm trying my best to let this go. When I was leaving the house, I told her I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just concerned. She said "I know, I just don't want my nerves to get bad", which is another excuse for her to get numb. MY nerves were pretty frazzled, and I wanted to just escape, but I went to work.
Amy
Amy
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 611
I'm sorry you are struggling with this.... you always have good things to say to me when I'm struggling but I think you know the answers. You have so much going for yourself that getting yourself wrapped up in others possible addiction problems is going to be tough on you. Take care of yourself and give your Dad the support he needs. Maybe literature on addiction, etc. If your stepmom's pain is that bad, maybe she should see a pain management doc. Nonetheless, the problem is not yours. Keep strong!! You have been all this time.
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