Amy, I said I'd share what I learned from my therapist and I saw him today. The timing was perfect because my husband and daughter had another problem while I was driving home.
I walked in the door and went straight to him. Instead of saying the usual "when you're ready to deal with your issues...", I got to use the new tactic of "I know you're not ready to deal with your pain, anger, and fears but you're forcing the rest of us to deal with it and that's unacceptable."
I told him he has to own his issues if he expects our RAD and me to continue owning ours. For the next three minutes, what I said to him was almost exactly what I said to our RAD before she went to rehab.
He drug his sorry ass down the stairs and apologized. For the next hour they had a pleasant conversation one on one.
Substituting addiction or alcoholism for "pain, anger, and fears" works for just about any of us. The only thing it changes is putting it back on the person - holding up a mirror as my therapist likes to say - and helps me maintain my serenity.