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Boys being Boys?

Old 01-31-2009, 05:54 AM
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Boys being Boys?

My 16 yo AS goes to rehab Monday - yeah! Its been tough but so far he's passed all his drug tests and hasnt run so I'm thankful. Last night I took him to dinner with his best friend, his friend's brother and mom joined us along with his old school nurse that he is very close with. both of the boys who were there have had their own troubles but are getting their lives together. Technically under his probation he shouldnt have been with them but I let him becuase they have been friends so long and because these boys are in active recovery and got their lives straightened out so i think they are a good influence. I'm very proud of both boys. We had a great time at dinner. But as I've heard others mention letting him have one thing wasnt enough - he had to have more.

We come home and are getting changed for bed. I took something to his room and when I'm shutting his door out of the corner of my eye i see something odd so I looked behind the door and low and behold there's a girl standing there. He had her sneak in the house while we were at dinner. (We live in a small house - how he thought i wouldnt know is just baffling) I told him he just went back to square one on our trust and told her that she should never allow a boy to disrespect her that much. As a woman I just found it offensive that this girl was being hidden out in his room for one last bash. I think we all know what his intentions were and I know that this girl has "bad boy syndrome." Its sad but i dont get the feeling he even likes this girl - she's just convenient.

I know i'm not the first mom to find a girl in her teenage son's bedroom but yet again we start over on the trust. We did have a good talk, while she was there, he basically ignored her and chose to talk to me instead. I knew this weekend would be the hardest - I knew that he would be tempted with one last bash. I am happy that it was a girl I found in his room and not drugs but we do have survelliance officers coming by and that would have landed him in jail. I'm dissapointed with him because he kept his cool for a month and then risks blowing it just a few days before he goes for someone that i dont even think he really likes.

In hindsight i'm wondering if i shoud have even allowed him to see the friends - not because of them but because of him. I bent the rules because I thought that it would be good for him but did i then tell him it was okay to bend rules himself?
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:16 AM
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I think you did a very nice thing for your son, and it does sound as if you all had a nice time at dinner. He saw his friends at an outing while you were present. That does not sound like bending rules too much to me. He just thought of himself alone. He did not bend, he broke the rules IMHO. He's fortunate that the SO did not stop by.....

Sounds like we are both marking time until Monday.

Hugs, HG
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:45 AM
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Hi Winnie,
I can't say I have caught my son with a girl in his room (His room is right next to mine), but I know he has a few he hangs with and like you said I don't even think he cares about them except they are convenient. It was really kind of you to take your son and friend out to dinner, but I think the girl was in the works way before you even left the house. I am just so glad it was a girl and not drugs. I think it is really sad the moral decay our young girls now face, many just see sex as a extracurricular activity and they have no idea what self worth means. Soon you will have some time that you do not have to worry about him, you will know where he is at and he will be safe. You have been through so much and you so deserve this time to focus on yourself and undo all the stress you have been under. Just my 2 cents here and remember I am new to this, your son has come so far and really done well all and all this past few weeks. I would hope he is a little proud of himself for that, don't be to hard on him or yourself.
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Old 01-31-2009, 07:03 AM
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He certainly had this plan in action for a while and did admit it to me. He took full blame for it. Guess that's a good sign. what really upsets me is that yet again my daughter had to witness it - but she already told me she thinks this girl is desperate and says he doesnt really like her.

Originally Posted by MyJoey View Post
I think it is really sad the moral decay our young girls now face, many just see sex as a extracurricular activity and they have no idea what self worth means.
Its funny that you would say that - i did tell her to have more respect for herself and was almost in tears when i said it because it really makes me sad as a woman. my son has two girls he likes. the one last night and another who wont put up with any crap from my AS and demands respect. guess which one he really cares for? its the one who respects herself. the girl last night seems to think that by offering herself up she is getting him but its really the one who stands at a distance and respects herself that has his heart.

I felt sorry for the girl last night because I know the pain she is heading for with those kinds of standards and because i know my son doesnt care at all for her. but i guess she'll have to learn that on her own - he'll dump her to the curb as soon as someone he respects comes along.
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Old 01-31-2009, 07:20 AM
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What's done is done.

2 more nights and serenity is restored in your home.
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:22 AM
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>>Technically under his probation he shouldnt have been with them but I let him becuase they have been friends so long and because these boys are in active recovery and got their lives straightened out so i think they are a good influence. I'm very proud of both boys.>>

Technically???

Winnie, excuses to be above the consequences of the law because how you "feel?" The probation officer has removed these choices from your hands.
Also probation officers would set a standard because of concern of influence going both ways.

>>In hindsight i'm wondering if i shoud have even allowed him to see the friends - not because of them but because of him. I bent the rules because I thought that it would be good for him but did i then tell him it was okay to bend rules himself?>>

Yes and much more. There is a reason he is on probation. Someone outside the family has been put in place and has set a standard that not only your son has to submit to but you also are suppose to . You are the one who risked your son by putting him in violation to his probation. You also risked yourself. All this....... technically.
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:40 AM
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Dont beat yourself up. You didnt do anything wrong. You said it correctly with atleast you didnt find drugs....

Maybe it is boys being boys. Who knows. I think its the addict thinking that gets them into these situations and he wont learn the difference until he is in treatment.

And I think in any situation especially with our kids, we give them an inch and they take a mile.

I am with outtolunch what is done is done. Again, I am thankful it wasnt drugs. I think for a 16 year old boy this is "normal behavior".

Good luck Winnie let us know about his progress in treatment....
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Old 01-31-2009, 08:55 AM
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Technically under his probation he shouldnt have been with them but I let him becuase they have been friends so long and because these boys are in active recovery and got their lives straightened out so i think they are a good influence.
Winnie, with all due respect, the court feels otherwise. He is in trouble with the law and it's simply not up to you to decide whether he obeys his court order or not. Breaking it will send him to jail, no matter how justified you feel in encouraging it.

I took something to his room and when I'm shutting his door out of the corner of my eye i see something odd so I looked behind the door and low and behold there's a girl standing there. He had her sneak in the house while we were at dinner.
Encouraging anyone to break into our homes and hiding them there is quite scary, I think.

I pray he makes it to rehab on Monday, really I do. And Winnie, this might just be a good time for you to find some meetings for yourself and begin to heal from the chaos.

He may be clean but he's making some bad choices here and since he's only 16 it may be good for him to discover consequences for his actions.

I've been where you are, Winnie, and I say all this with love in my heart, but if he doesn't learn better behaviour now, it may be too late next time.

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Old 01-31-2009, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by MeHandle
;2087213excuses to be above the consequences of the law because how you "feel?" The probation officer has removed these choices from your hands.
But I really wanted you to look at what HE did wrong and not what I did wrong!!! (jk!!) You're right and i know it - i'm trying to justify and i could give you a hundred other excuses why its justifiable but in the end I suspect you would probably just tell me it is just more excuses so I wont. I would probably say the exact same thing to someone else that you just said - so WHY is it so hard for me to do it myself???

I really look forward to the day i can be nice to my son without having to analyze everything and consider the legal consequences. only thing i can think now is that its in the past - cant change it - and i cant be perfect so i gotta just chalk it up to yet another learning experience.

Last edited by winnie12; 01-31-2009 at 09:29 AM.
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Old 01-31-2009, 09:23 AM
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I sneaked an iPod into rehab for my daughter. It only had classical music on it (I'm the one who loaded it) and my daughter wanted it to help her sleep. Her roommate snored and she did ask about switching rooms. Rehab suggested an OTC to help her sleep but she didn't want any more pills. So I didn't feel bad about the iPod itself at the time and I don't feel bad about it now. If she had been caught and kicked out though, half the responsibility would've been mine but she would have paid all the consequences. I didn't think about that until later and breaking the rules with her isn't something I'll do again.
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Old 01-31-2009, 11:44 AM
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(((Winnie)))

You're human, and like me, some lessons we learn in hindsight. I understand you wanting him to be around his friends that are GOOD role models, and how frustrating it is always worrying about the rules of probation. He's the one on probation, but it also affects who YOU can be around when he is with you.

However, it is done, and he is off to rehab in a couple of days. You and your daughter can have your home returned to a quiet, peaceful place, and your son can work on his recovery...or not. Either way, he will deal with the consequences.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-31-2009, 01:00 PM
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Originally Posted by winnie12 View Post
I would probably say the exact same thing to someone else that you just said - so WHY is it so hard for me to do it myself???
Because it is hard, especially when we are looking at if from a limited and/or wrong perspective. Analyze your thinking.

The good news is there is a peace in making the hard decisions when we choose to act on things from the right perspective. The other good news is it becomes easier when we discipline ourselves.

The right decisions are often not the the easiest ones and they don't always bring forth the most immediate comfortable feelings or the perfect outcome. However, the odds for the journey are that everyone involved will have a higher chance for the best outcome.

As to sons...... a teenage addict will act like a teenage addict. My job is to be healthy so as to respond accordingly. Sometimes as parents we learn the hard way by doing it the wrong way. And then hopefully we have a healthy dose of growth and don't make the same mistake again.

Even when i typed that post to you Winnie I "felt" how it would have been easier in the moment for me not type what i did and just be comforting. But it was not the right thing to do. Such would have been the disease of "non-rock-aboatus." It was more important that I take the opportunity to show you a different way to think about it. It was the healthy thing for me and the healthiest thing I had to share for you.

I am sorry it was hard, but i am glad you would have "probably" told me the same thing.


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Old 01-31-2009, 02:52 PM
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Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
What's done is done.

2 more nights and serenity is restored in your home.
Amen to that!
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Old 01-31-2009, 05:46 PM
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Originally Posted by winnie12 View Post
But I really wanted you to look at what HE did wrong and not what I did wrong!!! (jk!!) You're right and i know it - i'm trying to justify and i could give you a hundred other excuses why its justifiable but in the end I suspect you would probably just tell me it is just more excuses so I wont. I would probably say the exact same thing to someone else that you just said - so WHY is it so hard for me to do it myself???

I really look forward to the day i can be nice to my son without having to analyze everything and consider the legal consequences. only thing i can think now is that its in the past - cant change it - and i cant be perfect so i gotta just chalk it up to yet another learning experience.
It's hard because you love him!!! Here I read the stories about how addicted family members have stolen, lied and basically taken full advantage of their family and friends. It's easy to think with your mind then. But you have lots of good memories and you know there can be a great future for your family. I'm sure every single person who writes here has some beautiful memories with their family member that they wish they could go back to. If I could think with my mind and not with my emotions, this whole ordeal would get a lot easier

Thinking of you & hoping your son takes advantage of the opportunity that he has next week. You'll have some peaceful time with the rest of your family and hope you can all sit back and relax for a bit. :praying
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Old 01-31-2009, 06:58 PM
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I don't think you should have done anything that is "technically" against his probation. However, as someone else said, that is all in hindsight. That's one of those live and learn things. As the adult, you are setting an example for him.

On the other hand, I do not think you caused him to sneak the girl in. That was his own choice. It is completely his responsibility, and his mistake.
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