Need some feedback
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Need some feedback
About a month ago, my stepmom was locked up for trying to get a fraudulent prescription filled, and was getting lortabs from a friend, in addition to the ones she got by prescription.
My dad was forced out of his denial of her addiction, and she was begging me to help her with this problem.
Now, a month later, I am ready to wring both their necks.
Dad took her to the dr. yesterday. When I got up, and was getting ready for work, I asked him what she got. He just said "the same stuff she always gets..pain pills". He had no clue as to how many, and snapped at me "how would I know? What difference would it make, when she's in pain all the time?"
She got out of bed, (this is at 3pm) and he asked her how many pills she got. She got 90 lortab 10 mg, to take one, 3 times a day. I said "so, in a week, you should be down 21 pills". She snaps "it doesn't MATTER how many I've taken in a week".
Dad tells me she's been doing better and that jail scared her and since she has a prescription, she knows if she runs out she can't get any more until it's been a month. I ask if she's had any pills since she was arrested, and can't get a straight answer. She's ALWAYS had a prescription, ran out, which is why she got them elsewhere.
Honestly, stepmom doesn't have a lot of options to get pills elsewhere, as dad has control of the finances, and she can't just leave the house without someone knowing.
My question is, am I overreacting? I see red flags everywhere, but they act like I'm the meanie, and trying to stir up trouble. I did tell dad, that if she got to where she was passing out again, or did anything stupid, he'd better not DARE to say "why didn't you tell me" again.
I'm trying my best to let this go. When I was leaving the house, I told her I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just concerned. She said "I know, I just don't want my nerves to get bad", which is another excuse for her to get numb. MY nerves were pretty frazzled, and I wanted to just escape, but I went to work.
I tried prayer, said "let go and let God" a zillion times, turned the radio up loud so I couldn't hear my own thoughts. Finally got distracted at work, when we had a lot of customers with adorable kids. It just irritates the crap out of me, that I let this stuff get to me.
I feel better now, but then I knew I would, as soon as I could get to my SR
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
My dad was forced out of his denial of her addiction, and she was begging me to help her with this problem.
Now, a month later, I am ready to wring both their necks.
Dad took her to the dr. yesterday. When I got up, and was getting ready for work, I asked him what she got. He just said "the same stuff she always gets..pain pills". He had no clue as to how many, and snapped at me "how would I know? What difference would it make, when she's in pain all the time?"
She got out of bed, (this is at 3pm) and he asked her how many pills she got. She got 90 lortab 10 mg, to take one, 3 times a day. I said "so, in a week, you should be down 21 pills". She snaps "it doesn't MATTER how many I've taken in a week".
Dad tells me she's been doing better and that jail scared her and since she has a prescription, she knows if she runs out she can't get any more until it's been a month. I ask if she's had any pills since she was arrested, and can't get a straight answer. She's ALWAYS had a prescription, ran out, which is why she got them elsewhere.
Honestly, stepmom doesn't have a lot of options to get pills elsewhere, as dad has control of the finances, and she can't just leave the house without someone knowing.
My question is, am I overreacting? I see red flags everywhere, but they act like I'm the meanie, and trying to stir up trouble. I did tell dad, that if she got to where she was passing out again, or did anything stupid, he'd better not DARE to say "why didn't you tell me" again.
I'm trying my best to let this go. When I was leaving the house, I told her I wasn't trying to be mean, I was just concerned. She said "I know, I just don't want my nerves to get bad", which is another excuse for her to get numb. MY nerves were pretty frazzled, and I wanted to just escape, but I went to work.
I tried prayer, said "let go and let God" a zillion times, turned the radio up loud so I couldn't hear my own thoughts. Finally got distracted at work, when we had a lot of customers with adorable kids. It just irritates the crap out of me, that I let this stuff get to me.
I feel better now, but then I knew I would, as soon as I could get to my SR
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Colorado Springs, CO
Posts: 2,391
You know where this is going and I'm sure it is really hard for you to not be able to do anything about it. No one else could stop you until you wanted it either.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
My thoughts are with you.
You didn't cause this, you can't control it and you can't cure it.
My thoughts are with you.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Watching someone we love destroy themselves is no picnic, and watching others we love be hurt by their addiction is hard too.
What helps me to let go is to do what I can...speak openly and honestly about what I see and be willing to support their actions to get better, and then to let go and say a prayer handing them over to God to take care of today.
You've done what you can, talking with them about this, and now it's time to let the chips fall where they may. Taking a front row seat watching and trying to direct the outcome, only makes us crazy and doesn't change what they choose to do.
You're a terrific daughter, they are lucky to have you. Just keep taking care of yourself and by example you may be the light they see at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs
What helps me to let go is to do what I can...speak openly and honestly about what I see and be willing to support their actions to get better, and then to let go and say a prayer handing them over to God to take care of today.
You've done what you can, talking with them about this, and now it's time to let the chips fall where they may. Taking a front row seat watching and trying to direct the outcome, only makes us crazy and doesn't change what they choose to do.
You're a terrific daughter, they are lucky to have you. Just keep taking care of yourself and by example you may be the light they see at the end of the tunnel.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
Amy, I know with your schedule that it is a hard thing to do but can you find an Al-anon or Nar-anon meeting that you could go to even once a week. When my daughter was active and out there, I found that with SR and reading and praying it was enough for me to keep centered, but now that she is back in my life, I find a face to face meeting keeps me more centered. It is extremely difficult when addiction is right there in your face, you can see the mistakes being made and you are powerless to do anything about them. Meetings give you an extra outlet for your feelings. I know when I leave my Tuesday night meeting, I feel my spirits are lifted. Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Hugs, Marle
Restoring myself to sanity
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,018
((((((Amy))))))
I think your gut is speaking to you loud and clear...
If nothing changes, nothing changes...KWIM
It sounds like you are the only one that is not in denial... you see the writing on the wall and know that the other shoe will drop soon.. I was like your dad at one time, I knew there was a problem but I just tip toed around it... I allowed my AH to manipulate me into enabling him for many many months..
I have to agree with Marle... is there anyway that you can get to alanon or naranon, even if it is just once a week.. maybe there is a way that you could get your dad to attend one as well.
Hang in there Amy....
I think your gut is speaking to you loud and clear...
If nothing changes, nothing changes...KWIM
It sounds like you are the only one that is not in denial... you see the writing on the wall and know that the other shoe will drop soon.. I was like your dad at one time, I knew there was a problem but I just tip toed around it... I allowed my AH to manipulate me into enabling him for many many months..
I have to agree with Marle... is there anyway that you can get to alanon or naranon, even if it is just once a week.. maybe there is a way that you could get your dad to attend one as well.
Hang in there Amy....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
It took me awhile to really understand that just as I can't control the addict I can't control the other people in our lives who are also directly affected by the disease. When I was new to recovery, I bought lots of copies of Courage to Change and gave them out like candy - wanting everyone I knew to find the "solution" as I had. I was very sad and hurt when they put the book on a shelf...
Then my sponsor gently reminded me of one of the principles of recovery - attraction rather than promotion. I was powerless over all of my loved ones. The best I could do was work my own program of recovery and perhaps they would see the way it worked in my own life.
Big hugs to you, Amy. Imagine wrapping all of your loved ones up in a blanket and handing them over to God.
More hugs
Cats
Then my sponsor gently reminded me of one of the principles of recovery - attraction rather than promotion. I was powerless over all of my loved ones. The best I could do was work my own program of recovery and perhaps they would see the way it worked in my own life.
Big hugs to you, Amy. Imagine wrapping all of your loved ones up in a blanket and handing them over to God.
More hugs
Cats
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
I hate that you're going through this Amy. You have fought your demons with addiction and now are being forced to sit back and watch someone else to fight the same battles. I ask you what advice would you give if you read this post from someone else. Is there anything you think they could or should do? We all know these answers but living them out is so much harder then typing them out on a computer. Until your dad and stepmom are ready to deal with the real issues then anything you say is not going to get through the wall of denial that they have put up. You have had your battles and they will have theirs. When they are ready to address them you can share what you have learned through recovery but until they are ready it wont come across in the loving manner that you are intending. As everyone has told me, the addict has to hit their bottom - your stepmom and dad have obviously not really hit their bottom. Your family knows what addiction is and i would suspect that part of the reason they are snapping so much is becuase they know that they have a problem - they are just not ready to face it head on yet.
Even though this affects you a great deal, this is their lives not yours. Your father loves her and wants to believe her even though the redflags are all over the place - he's choosing to ignore them right now but with how i've heard you speak of him I dont think that he will stay in this denial stage too long - when he wakes up he will need you and you will be able to help him understand this disease better. Until that time distract yourself and do your best to step out of their circle.
How is your neice handling all of this? I worry about her being so young.
Even though this affects you a great deal, this is their lives not yours. Your father loves her and wants to believe her even though the redflags are all over the place - he's choosing to ignore them right now but with how i've heard you speak of him I dont think that he will stay in this denial stage too long - when he wakes up he will need you and you will be able to help him understand this disease better. Until that time distract yourself and do your best to step out of their circle.
How is your neice handling all of this? I worry about her being so young.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: dallas texas
Posts: 1,629
Hey Amy,
You can't do anything to help her until she wants to help herself. It is hell to watch someone deteriorate and I'd bet harder for you because you KNOW what is happening and mostly that there is help and life without drugs! "red flags", I've seen so many it looked like a parade but Kasey didn't see or chose to ignore!!
I love ya friend, you are still in my prayers.
You can't do anything to help her until she wants to help herself. It is hell to watch someone deteriorate and I'd bet harder for you because you KNOW what is happening and mostly that there is help and life without drugs! "red flags", I've seen so many it looked like a parade but Kasey didn't see or chose to ignore!!
I love ya friend, you are still in my prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: somewhere, out there...
Posts: 512
amy,
i'm not sure if you attend 12 step meetings but aa and na are toTAlly different than alanon or naranon (i've never been to naranon though) if it weren't for alanon i'd have lost my mind a lont time ago - your stepmom is going to do what she is going to do no matter how much wisdom you impart on her (it sucks to see it going on and knowing all the crap that active addiction will cause) but you can only speak your truth and hope she hears something - take care of yourself and don't let yourself be sucked into the drama - remember you have no control over anyone but yourself and your reaction to the situation - the serenity prayer helped me alot...
godspeed,
sue
i'm not sure if you attend 12 step meetings but aa and na are toTAlly different than alanon or naranon (i've never been to naranon though) if it weren't for alanon i'd have lost my mind a lont time ago - your stepmom is going to do what she is going to do no matter how much wisdom you impart on her (it sucks to see it going on and knowing all the crap that active addiction will cause) but you can only speak your truth and hope she hears something - take care of yourself and don't let yourself be sucked into the drama - remember you have no control over anyone but yourself and your reaction to the situation - the serenity prayer helped me alot...
godspeed,
sue
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: my own little world
Posts: 9,071
I know how bad it sucks, and sure theres red flags everywhere, but there not yours to worry about. It is so much harder when someone is in chronic pain. They physically need the meds as well as their addiction needs it. One can only hope eventually she will take as directed, or be stuck dealing with the pain the weeks she is without
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Thanks everyone.
I don't know why I was 2nd-guessing my gut, other than I'm human and WANTED to think that maybe I'm just looking too hard for red flags, but now I know better.
As far as my niece, that's another story. Her main concern is she doesn't want my stepmom around Cheryl, the so-called friend who gave stepmom the extra pills, the fraudulent prescription (even though she told her it may be bad and stepmom tried to fill it anyway) because she gave stepmom's purse to another friend who stole it. Brit gets money from SS on a card, every month, since her mom died, and she hasn't gotten a new card yet. Now she's ticked because she can't buy her cigarettes and get her nails done. Yes, she's 15 and has been smoking for 2 years....stepmom lets her do what she wants. It's easier than saying "no".
That's why I say "another story"...no discipline or consequences, except what dad or I can enforce that stepmom can't undo when we're not around. Fortunately, she does listen to me, and she does care about what I think. She's also better than dad/stepmom at following my examples, so maybe there's hope for her. She does have a huge anger issue, but doesn't feel she needs counseling and no one will force the issue, so I just break up the occasional fights between her and my dad....sigh.
As far as dad and stepmom, I'm not sure they even love each other anymore. They say the words, but both admit they are miserable. He won't kick her out because of her failing health, she has no where to go and no one to "take care of her". She won't go for same reasons.
I will check into al-anon, but right now I'm working my real job 5 days a week and for dad the other 2 days.
I really appreciate you all. Once I posted, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders, and I was able to sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know why I was 2nd-guessing my gut, other than I'm human and WANTED to think that maybe I'm just looking too hard for red flags, but now I know better.
As far as my niece, that's another story. Her main concern is she doesn't want my stepmom around Cheryl, the so-called friend who gave stepmom the extra pills, the fraudulent prescription (even though she told her it may be bad and stepmom tried to fill it anyway) because she gave stepmom's purse to another friend who stole it. Brit gets money from SS on a card, every month, since her mom died, and she hasn't gotten a new card yet. Now she's ticked because she can't buy her cigarettes and get her nails done. Yes, she's 15 and has been smoking for 2 years....stepmom lets her do what she wants. It's easier than saying "no".
That's why I say "another story"...no discipline or consequences, except what dad or I can enforce that stepmom can't undo when we're not around. Fortunately, she does listen to me, and she does care about what I think. She's also better than dad/stepmom at following my examples, so maybe there's hope for her. She does have a huge anger issue, but doesn't feel she needs counseling and no one will force the issue, so I just break up the occasional fights between her and my dad....sigh.
As far as dad and stepmom, I'm not sure they even love each other anymore. They say the words, but both admit they are miserable. He won't kick her out because of her failing health, she has no where to go and no one to "take care of her". She won't go for same reasons.
I will check into al-anon, but right now I'm working my real job 5 days a week and for dad the other 2 days.
I really appreciate you all. Once I posted, it was like a huge weight off my shoulders, and I was able to sleep.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Anvilhead has a way with words.
Just the other day, in response to a situation beyond the OP's control, she advised the OP to stay in her own hula hoop and repeat, "It's not my problem. It's not my problem. It's not my problem....."
Lord knows, it's challenging enough to manage our own life without taking on someone else's problems that we cannot control.
Just the other day, in response to a situation beyond the OP's control, she advised the OP to stay in her own hula hoop and repeat, "It's not my problem. It's not my problem. It's not my problem....."
Lord knows, it's challenging enough to manage our own life without taking on someone else's problems that we cannot control.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Flint MI
Posts: 4,455
AMYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY HUGS AND THOUGHTS ARE GOING OUT TO YOU BIG SIS!!!!!!
ok lets take it one step at a time
1 Brit KNOWS YOU KNOW about it all and she is still trying to play the adult since she has been allowed too for so long. Maybe her having to go without will make her wake up and smell the coffee
2 Dad has always been blind as a bat to his loved ones faults, yes yours included. Asking him to change is like Edward asking me to do something I am dead set against....it just wont happen.....
3 Step mom......wel you know
4 you.....I love you your my best friend in t his world and I have just one thing to say and I hope that you can see where it is comming from......would you please take my furry nephew and try to find an apartment, i know with finances and everything else that is going on right now it would be hard but sis for your own peace of mind and sobrity you have to take care of you first......
I love you and will call as soon as I can!
Love Hugs and Prayers
Pamm and Edward
ok lets take it one step at a time
1 Brit KNOWS YOU KNOW about it all and she is still trying to play the adult since she has been allowed too for so long. Maybe her having to go without will make her wake up and smell the coffee
2 Dad has always been blind as a bat to his loved ones faults, yes yours included. Asking him to change is like Edward asking me to do something I am dead set against....it just wont happen.....
3 Step mom......wel you know
4 you.....I love you your my best friend in t his world and I have just one thing to say and I hope that you can see where it is comming from......would you please take my furry nephew and try to find an apartment, i know with finances and everything else that is going on right now it would be hard but sis for your own peace of mind and sobrity you have to take care of you first......
I love you and will call as soon as I can!
Love Hugs and Prayers
Pamm and Edward
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
It took me awhile to really understand that just as I can't control the addict I can't control the other people in our lives who are also directly affected by the disease.
She has the option to say no, but is still stuck in that dysfunctional behavior of enabling and griping about it all in the same breath.
I have to imagine putting her in God's loving hands and just leave it alone.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Amy, I'll share my therapist's suggestions with you after I see him. I'm dealing with it in my house too, though not to your extreme. My daughter is still working her recovery but of course she doesn't have it down yet. She's asked me to help her stay honest. She wants and needs an occasional prod or kick in the ass and I said yes, only because I'm in a place in my recovery where it doesn't compromise me.
My husband is a classic passive/aggressive enabler and my son can be a bull in a china shop sometimes. Neither of them thinks they need any help. All I can do and continue to do, is tell them if and when they decide they need help I know where to find it. I probably say this at least twice a week, when they enable or act out. It stops fights dead in their tracks and I remind my daughter about staying on her side of the street, too.
My challenge is staying centered and I need suggestions/encouragement with it, too.
My husband is a classic passive/aggressive enabler and my son can be a bull in a china shop sometimes. Neither of them thinks they need any help. All I can do and continue to do, is tell them if and when they decide they need help I know where to find it. I probably say this at least twice a week, when they enable or act out. It stops fights dead in their tracks and I remind my daughter about staying on her side of the street, too.
My challenge is staying centered and I need suggestions/encouragement with it, too.
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
((Amy))
I know you know where it all is, and you will do what you need to do for you, but I am sorry you don't have the luxury of distancing yourself physically...Marle's suggestion of Alanon is a good one as added support to our already excellent support
take care of, and continue to focus.... on you
grateful
I know you know where it all is, and you will do what you need to do for you, but I am sorry you don't have the luxury of distancing yourself physically...Marle's suggestion of Alanon is a good one as added support to our already excellent support
take care of, and continue to focus.... on you
grateful
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Posts: 1,287
Oh Amy -- I'm so sorry this is happening. Your OP took me right back there -- the passing out, the excuses, the lies, the denial, the insanity!!! I got that sick feeling back in my stomach!! Please, please, please, please take care of yourself. Those 3 Cs are so true - so powerful.
You have been through so much already lately. You mentioned going to work to escape. Maybe you could find more places to go when you need to get away......whether you try out Al-Anon/Naranon or just find other places that are safe for you to find some serenity, to get away from it when you need to. Maybe you could take your niece as well. I'm glad she has you to talk to.
Take care.
You have been through so much already lately. You mentioned going to work to escape. Maybe you could find more places to go when you need to get away......whether you try out Al-Anon/Naranon or just find other places that are safe for you to find some serenity, to get away from it when you need to. Maybe you could take your niece as well. I'm glad she has you to talk to.
Take care.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
Amy..You have already gotten alot of great advice.
I am sorry you have to deal with that.
You know I went through it a few weeks ago.
To me being on the other side is so surreal. I should already know what the deal is. But it just seems so alien looking from this side.
I hope you can find some relief. Dotn stress yourself out over others. As hard as that is sometimes.
Your recovery comes first. Your doing so good Miss almost 2 years. Be proud of what you have done. And just keep leading by example. (((Amy)))
I am sorry you have to deal with that.
You know I went through it a few weeks ago.
To me being on the other side is so surreal. I should already know what the deal is. But it just seems so alien looking from this side.
I hope you can find some relief. Dotn stress yourself out over others. As hard as that is sometimes.
Your recovery comes first. Your doing so good Miss almost 2 years. Be proud of what you have done. And just keep leading by example. (((Amy)))
Living in a Pinkful Place
Join Date: May 2006
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 7,545
((Amy))
My heart breaks for anyone living in active addiction. It's a miserable place to be. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not - your description of your home life shows all the signs of an active addiction household.
So, when our loved ones are at the worse - it is our job to be at our very best. By our very best - that means taking good, healthy recovery oriented care of YOU!! Detaching with love, healthy compassion without enabling - even with your Dad - can be good to help them see their life for what it is and still allow you to maintain some sort of a peaceful life while living in chaos.
Remember - no matter what - it is NOT your responsiblity to fix it, make it better, show them the way, get any one help, monitor pills, play the go between, mend fences, heal wounds and repair damaged feelings.
It is only Amy's job to take good care of Amy.
Step-mom's job to take care of Step-Mom.
Dad's job to take care of Dad
Detachment allows them the dignity of finding their own path & their own self-worth.
Wishing you serenity, peace & joy my friend - Know this ain't an easy path to walk - but I have faith in you & your HP - you can do it.
Love ya,
Rita
My heart breaks for anyone living in active addiction. It's a miserable place to be. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not - your description of your home life shows all the signs of an active addiction household.
So, when our loved ones are at the worse - it is our job to be at our very best. By our very best - that means taking good, healthy recovery oriented care of YOU!! Detaching with love, healthy compassion without enabling - even with your Dad - can be good to help them see their life for what it is and still allow you to maintain some sort of a peaceful life while living in chaos.
Remember - no matter what - it is NOT your responsiblity to fix it, make it better, show them the way, get any one help, monitor pills, play the go between, mend fences, heal wounds and repair damaged feelings.
It is only Amy's job to take good care of Amy.
Step-mom's job to take care of Step-Mom.
Dad's job to take care of Dad
Detachment allows them the dignity of finding their own path & their own self-worth.
Wishing you serenity, peace & joy my friend - Know this ain't an easy path to walk - but I have faith in you & your HP - you can do it.
Love ya,
Rita
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