Drinking the poison myself, then hoping he dies.

Old 09-08-2008, 07:46 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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Drinking the poison myself, then hoping he dies.

I've just returned from the 5 day family visit at my son's rehab.
My son is present, progressing in recovery, committed to moving forward, etc.
He has been doing community service and has even discovered a talent for art and working with horses.
He's been selected to go to the rehab's 3rd phase in another state which gives him more independence.

For the first time, my son is one of the ones doing his best.
He had a few opportunities for relapse in the last couple of mos.,
but he declined and called his sponsor instead.

For the first time I am hopeful and excited that he can develop goals for living beyond being a junkie.

As for myself, I need to work on giving up the resentment I have for his dad who is my Ex. He has come to both family weeks, but does not contribute a penny toward the expenses. The family therapy dredges up the memories of the abusive creep he was during the all the yrs. my son was growing up. We split up when my son was only 2 and the Ex was horrible all the remaining yrs.

My son told me when we hold resentments we drink the poison hoping the other person will die. Maybe I will do some 4th step work on resentments,
keeping my focus on what I need to do for my own recovery.

Does anyone have experience with letting go of resentments ??
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:47 PM
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I like that analogy about resentments, they really do hurt us more than they hurt anyone else.

I try to be aware of resentments as they build, because if I let them fester they will eat me alive.

I've been told the antidote to resentments is forgiveness, not condoning what was done or allowing it to happen again, but simply letting go of the pain related to it and leaving the rest to God. That helps me.

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Old 09-08-2008, 08:55 PM
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I've found the 4th step work...writing it aaaaalllllll out, really helps me to let it go. There is a gentleman in my Naranon group who has a slightly more colorful version of what your son told you, but the same point...I am the only one who feels it when I have a resentment. Hugs - So glad your son is doing well and you enjoyed the program.
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Old 09-08-2008, 08:57 PM
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SS, great to hear your son is still moving forward and embracing his recovery. Kudos to him!

The answer to the resentment question for me is, yes and no. But the situation in which I have moved passed my resentments was similar to the one you are dealing with. My son's dad was abusive- verbally and physically. I left him when my son was young. Over the years he never helped with my son, financially or otherwise. I felt resentments towards him and I was intimidated to be in the same room with him for a long time.

I think the resentments went away when I began to think of my time supporting and nurturing my son as a gift --for myself and my son. Today I am grateful his dad wasn't around very much because that meant my son didn't have to grow up around his anger and meanness. I'm also proud that I was able to be there for my boy and I did it on my own. His dad now wonders why S. doesn't call him. I think that is kind of his own self-induced punishment. Even his parents have told me they are thankful S. had me and are disappointed in their son.

Just my experience. I haven't worked my fourth step yet, so I don't have any experience with it. But it does sound like a good, solid plan for you. I have heard that many good things that come from working and reworking the steps.
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:07 PM
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Awesome... So glad to hear he is doing so well. God Bless and prayers for continued recovery.
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:32 PM
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So glad your son is doing well, what a blessing. The only way I can let go of the resentments I held on to so well was to give them to God. Resentments kept me in the past and made me miserable. When I was finally able to let go, little by little, I had a little peace. It is hard, but can be done!
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Old 09-08-2008, 09:55 PM
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Spiritual Seeker,
IMO, I think it's easy for us to say forgive, forget and move on, but in reality, it's a very difficult asset to acquire.

My best bet would to be to write it all out and discuss it privately with your family counselor and burn it and toss it.

Easy to say, hard to do.

Doing a fourth step with an Alanon member will help rid you of your resentments.

It's amazing how refreshed we feel after completing that step!
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:14 PM
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Giving up resentments...may mean forgive and forget.
In this case, I am the lucky one to be enightened to grow and flourish.
My ex is still an idiot. If he knew better he'd do better.

Thankfully, I am the one who will be capable of overcoming resentment even when he is incapable of making amends.
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Old 09-08-2008, 10:32 PM
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I am so glad your boy is doing well with his program. I like that saying of his. Its so true.
Resentment for my son's dad is also a tough one. Deep down there is this feeling that he is responsible for my son's addiction and other problems. Although he is an AH in his own right, he isn't responsible for my son's addiction, I know better, yet....

So I work on this area too.
Its easier because I don't have any contact with him.
It must be hard to have your son's dad enjoying all the rewards of a recovering son yet, hasn't really been there when he should have, and is still lacking today..
Is that where the big Resentment festers?

Letting go of Resentments With my Ex, is knowing he is my past, and rejoicing in that. And having compassion for the demons he still faces in his own addiction.

Don't have much more advice. As I said, I am challenged by this one also.
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Old 09-08-2008, 11:14 PM
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The way I let go of my resentments for my EXAH was to realize how thankful I am to not be him.
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Old 09-09-2008, 07:28 AM
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I agree about resentments, however, I have to really work at letting them go. I find myself feeling like I'm the only one that cares or does anything and can walk around all day miserable. Sometimes I "remember to breathe".
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Old 09-09-2008, 03:30 PM
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I have a lot of experience with letting go of resentments. Once, when I was 7 years clean, I let a resentment get so bad I resorted to violence (after feeding the resentment for months), and got arrested and spent 4 days in jail - clean. Needless to say I wasn't working much of a program at that time. The other person got away with what they did to me, of course.

These days, when I get that angry, resentful feeling rising up in my body, I think, "Oh no! I have to lose this resentment ASAP." and I just start praying for God to help me. It's like that old game, "hot potato" where you have to get rid of the hot potato before you get burned. It helps to ask myself if I ever did whatever it is the other person did to **** me off. Did I ever do that to somebody else, or something similar, or did I ever just act like a total creep, did I ever really hurt somebody, etc... these questions make me realize how much we are all flawed and who am I to not forgive...
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Old 09-09-2008, 04:03 PM
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a long time ago I heard a sermon in church about hatred and resentment, the general message was pray for them, even if you ask your HP to take them up with them, in other words die. After I picked my jaw up off the floor and thought about it, it made some sense.
But it was not really the the message one would expect to hear.
I tried it, it helped me.
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Old 09-09-2008, 11:47 PM
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Good feedback once again that keeps me movin' in the right direction.
Thanks ya all !
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Old 09-11-2008, 03:21 PM
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I have had to get over a huge resentment of a family member for over 10 years of sexual abuse when I was a child.

Have I forgotten - no.
Was it my fault - no
Was it fair - no
Was my childhood awful - yes
Have I forgiven him - yes

Counseling - and recovery through working the steps with a sponsor in Alanon - has freed me from the emotional pain and agony that went along with the resentment and hatred. Resentment is refeeling. And I did it daily for years.

Forgiveness is an action. I had to forgive for my mental health - to move on with my life. When I was a child, they did have power over me. But now I am adult, and if I continue to have my life affected by what he did, he still has power over me.

The 12 steps have always worked for me - with this biggest resentment, as well as smaller ones. Was it easy - no. Was it necessary - yes.

Feel free to PM me if you want more specifics.

Love in recovery,
Jody Hepler

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Old 09-11-2008, 03:36 PM
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That is great news about your son!
I want to share with you what my sponsor has had me do about resentments.
If I have a resentment for someone, she suggests that I pray for them every day. I have to say a nice long prayer for them, asking God for all the wonderful things for them that I want for myself. You know, peace, happiness, financial security, love, God, etc. How crazy is that you say! I said the same thing. But ya know what? After I did this for my ex (loser who stopped paying child support 8 months ago) for about 2 weeks, all of a sudden I found a certain peace and all of a sudden realized that I truly had let go of the resentment. Today, I truly do wish the best for him and hope that he finds what he is looking for in life. I am grateful that I am not dependent on him and that I found a real man.

I know, I know. You all think I am crazy. But I faked it until I found that eventually, I meant it. And I was the one that received the blessings :ghug3
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Old 09-11-2008, 04:24 PM
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Resentments...I guess one more are to Let Go and Let God
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Old 09-11-2008, 04:34 PM
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I hope I did not offend you with the prayer talk?
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Old 09-11-2008, 10:46 PM
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TTOSBT- no offense taken. Just a real reminder to turn my resentments over. Thank you.
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