SistersHelp

Yes, my sister definitely should have to pay for the supervisor in my opinion. But the courts don't work that way. Apparently the courts divide the cost ($50/hr) and each party is supposed to pay half.

Because my sister is on welfare, her half will be waived. Because we have careers, we pay our full share. I'm not really sure if the lawyer can do anything but I guess we'll get more information once we get our papers. I don't see how a court can force us to pay that kind of money (I mean, who actually has that kind of money to spare?) but I'm kind of confused about the whole thing right now. In some ways it was a victory, in other ways it feels like we're being punished.

I really hope my niece doesn't have to drop out of her play either... it's going to depend a lot on whether or not my sister is willing to play nice. If the past is any indicator, she won't. I guess we'll see.

At least she's here, safe and sound, and doesn't have to go through another huge set of changes.

lostparent

How on earth can they expect you to pay that kind of money. Your trying to help save this child from living a horrible life an they do this? Doesn't make sense. It's awful of me to say but the best thing might be if your sister were to go to jail for a long time then her daughter could live a normal life for awhile. Sorry I know it's wrong of me to say that but it's just how I feel.

Impurrfect

((lostparent)) - I agree with you.

SerenityGirl

I am glad the your neice will be staying with you...hope everything else will work out for the best...Thinking of you...{Hugs}

SistersHelp

Sometimes I've thought that too... and felt guilty about it. But in some ways it would make life easier for all of us. I'd be a lot less worried about her living in a structured environment like that. In the real world she is a danger to herself.

Last night I felt so bad about everything that I told my sister I would let her see her daughter tomorrow for lunch and that I'd supervise them. I did this because the judge said we had a little time to organize the supervised visits and I felt bad letting my niece and her mother go for another week without seeing each other. So I offered this as a carrot. I'm probably going to get my hand bitten off for it... but I just didn't know what else to do. I have to be able to live with myself too. Even if I have no hands.

greeteachday

I find that pretty amazing too about the cost. If nothing can be done, hopefully they will allow small installment payments...It just seems very unjust. She can not be trusted so you have to pay??

I am so glad that court went okay and will continue to keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I image this is incredibly stressful for all of you. Thanks to you and your husband for being there for your niece

Impurrfect

I think it's a good thing you're doing. We did the same with my niece, even though it was hard. Her "dad" had supervised visits for a while...he eventually didn't even come and they were cancelled. He will yell and pitch a fit about how we are keeping her from him, but he only wants to see her when it's convenient for him. Fortunately, she's figured out he's no good and won't even talk to him any more.

I honestly NEVER thought it would work out...worried about being able to keep Brit for years. We couldn't even grieve for the death of her mom, because we were so scared Brit would be taken away.

It did work out, and I'm sure it will work out for you.

BTW...make sure she doesn't bite off your hands...you need them to type and keep us updated

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

This morning I picked up my sister at a coffee shop and had a little talk with her while my niece was at her dance class. It was difficult because I can see so clearly that she is so mentally ill, and yet she doesn't see it at all. She thinks the only thing wrong with her life is that she doesn't have her daughter with her.

She can't see getting herself focusing on her recovery so she can get her daughter back. She thinks she needs her daughter back in order to be recovered. It's so backwards... and I can't make her see it.

I decided, for my own sanity, I am not holding anything against her with regard to the court case. I can't be angry with her for the things she said and lied about... because I don't have the energy. She's so mentally ill... I just don't even know what she can be held accountable for and what she can't.

I tried really hard to keep things positive in our conversation. I told her we both have the same end goal in mind and that although we may disagree on how to get to that goal, we want the same thing, and that's a good start.

After our talk, we picked up my niece at dance class and went out for lunch together. To her credit, during lunch my sister tried to be appropriate and pleasant. She's just so weird, and she can't help it...

I feel really sorry for her. I think her mental illness, completely apart from her addiction, is really causing her to deteriorate. She's more and more strangely behaved each time I see her.

She did ask if I would supervise visitation instead of having someone else do it. In a way I would prefer that... but there are a number of problems with it. For one thing I am NOT a neutral third party, as required by the court. For another, I don't have an extra twelve hours a week to supervise my sister. I am working on my Masters degree while working full time and I need those twelve hours desperately. As well, there's no way my husband and I could agree to have my sister in our house for visits. Having her around is exhausting.

So... I still have no solutions. But it's a lot easier on everyone if my sister and I are on speaking terms.

GwenMarie30

Hmmmm, careful there sis. She is the addict and she is playing her cards very well. I may be wrong but as a recovering addict myself these are the same behaviors I pulled only not to this extreme. But this is what addicts do. Dont get sucked in. She is playing the sympathy card. I know this is very hard on you. Sisters bonds are so close. But you have been making one good decision after the other when you step outside of the bond and look at it differently. I do not mean to trash your sister. Just dont question yourself now at this point. Your sister needs you to be this way with her. It may very well help her to recovery.

Impurrfect

I can understand about the addiciton and the mental illness. My stepmom has a friend who is bipolar, and her meds are obviously not adjusted right. My stepmom is the queen of codies and this woman has latched onto her for dear life. I came home at 5 a.m. the other day to a strange man walking on our driveway and this woman in the backyard...scared the living daylights out of me.

My dad is furious with this woman AND my stepmom for letting her have so much power over her, but I understand. I tried to explain it to dad, but he just doesn't want to understand.

It's a hard place to be in. The mental illness is really hard to deal with, and throw addiction in there and it's even worse.

As outrageous as the costs are for the supervised visitations, I agree that YOU should not be the one supervising. I really think, that after a few visits, your sister may show her a$$ and they will re-evaluate the situation. I think that may be what your sister is afraid of.

You're still doing an awesome job, and I'm glad the lunch went okay and that you still have your hands

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

Thanks both of you. I agree ... I can feel myself weakening in some ways. I feel sorry for her and seeing her falling apart more and more is awful.

I really wish we could have her committed.

My husband has suggested that we move some of our old furniture out to the garage, clean it up, and put in a tv and some videogames and stuff... and let them have their visits out there with us monitoring on a baby monitor. In the end this would still cost a whole lot less than hiring someone to supervise them. I guess I have to ask the lawyer if this is a reasonable thing to do or if we'd be considered to be breaking the judge's order or somehow hurting my sister and/or her daughter by doing it.

And I guess I have to really ask myself if this is going to be a safe thing for all of us from an emotional/ mental standpoint too.

I just don't know how we can be expected to pay for these visits.

liesagain

I'm not sure what the rules are but in our case one of the reasons we had a third party monitor for awhile was so the court could get a nonbiased report of the interactions between the two during the visits...............

someone uneffected to say....this was inappropriate or this was good.....that kind of stuff

best wishes to you

SerenityGirl

Lisa, You are doing an amazing job with the situation your in. It is so great that your neice has you in her life. I'm sure you will continue to do whats best for your neice. xx{hugs}

SistersHelp

(((hugs to all))))

Thanks so much, you guys. Now that the court stuff is over (for awhile) I think I'm just kind of crashing. Feeling sad and guilty and tired. I really appreciate all the bolstering which I desperately need!

Why isn't Dr. Phil or someone rushing in to save my sister before she dies?

laurie6781

I know it's going to be expensive for you to pay your share for an 'unbiased' supervisor for visitation, but please look on the 'UP' side.

This person will be able to testify to the 'deteriorating mental state' of your sister when you go back to court.

Gwen is also correct, some of this is typical 'manipulative addict behavior'. I also have to say that to find the right medication or combination of medications for a particular mental disease can take time, lots of time. For me it was over 5 years until we found a combination of meds that helps my bi-polar, along with lots and lots of counseling in learning how to handle the fact that bi-polars have a different 'thinking process' lol.

You are dealing with a dual problem here, and I have to commend you for how well your own program has 'kicked in' to help you help your niece.

Please just remember that an unbiased third party is very important right now.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

Impurrfect

Just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you. I can totally understand you're feeling of wanting to "crash". Emotional stress can be pretty overwhelming and our bodies finally just say "enough...take a break".

Just remember...you and your neice have lots of hugs and prayers wrapped around you. I'm not at the point I can send hugs to your sister, but I do pray for her. I know she's sick, and I pray that she finds the help she needs.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

Okay... up until today I've been kind of irked about the term "codie" because I've felt frustrated that trying to help someone or trying to be a good person is sometimes perceived as an illness. And I've never really fully understood the word or accepted it applied to me in any real way.

BUT today I think I just had a for-real-big-time codie moment.

Contrary to everything I know based on the thirty years I've known her, I suddenly got this brilliant IDEA that I was going to save my sister after all if only I could find the right rehab program. I told myself she wasn't successful in rehab because the programs she'd been in were poor.

Hmmm... sounding pretty codie right? I mean, here's the truth. The programs WERE poor. They were dirty stinky houses that were not staffed with professionals and that didn't have any real access to medical professionals or mental health professionals... But blah-blah-blah, right? Does it matter? Not really. Because if it was ME, if it was MY kid at stake, I'd live in the dirty stinky house and work my ass off to get better so I could go home to her. Wouldn't you? Of course you would! So would any SANE and RATIONAL human being.

Anyway, I got on the phone with my sister and told her about this fabulous program I'd found and how I was willing to scrape together some money to get her in... and expected her to react positively. Which just proves that I DO have a screw or two loose in my head after all. Because basically what she said was that I could go F myself and that she wasn't doing anything else because there was no point.

And me, suddenly after all these months of behaving myself rationally, went totally codie on her and cried and told her I loved her and that I wanted her to get help and argued with her for an hour about all the things she should be doing to get her daughter back.

And then I hung up and blinked.
And thought, OH MY GOD, now I know what CODIE means!!!

Thank you thank you. Now that I'm part of the group, I want out.

Impurrfect

well, at least you're in the right place. Unlike you, I always knew I was a codie...just figured it wasn't so bad and I'd stay one...until it WAS so bad and I didn't want to be one anymore.

I started reading the Friends & Family/Substance Abuse forum and saw just how codie I was, and started listening. They've helped me a lot.

If it makes you feel any better, though, I think you are very mild codie This is the only codie thing I've known of you to do the whole time I've "known" you.

I'm sorry your sister doesn't yet realize she has a problem, but I think you brought yourself back out of codie-land pretty darn quick.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

SistersHelp

People always told my family to let my sister "hit rock bottom" so that she would be motivated to change. So we steeled ourselves for whatever this horrible rock bottom might be.

When she went into a mental health residential program as a teen I thought this was rock bottom. She'd have to want to change now rather than live in a hospital! Nope.

When she got expelled from the private school she'd begged my parents to send her to I thought that might be it. It wasn't.

When my parents kicked her out of the house (on the advice of the family therapist) and put her with another family who volunteered to look after her, I was sure this had to be it. No it was not.

This past June when she was evicted from her apartment was NOT ROCK BOTTOM.

Living in a recovery home was NOT ROCK BOTTOM.

Being kicked out of that recovery home, as well as several others and having to sleep at the Salvation Army was NOT ROCK BOTTOM.

And guess what? Having a Supreme Court judge legally remove her parenting rights still is not rock bottom.

It occurs to me that my sister doesn't actually HAVE a rock bottom. There is nothing terrible enough that can happen to her that will make her change. This means there are really only two possible outcomes, jail or death. I'm hoping it's jail, but I bet she has other plans.

Impurrfect

I wonder the same thing about my XABF. He's been doing the dope for so long (close to 30 years) I don't think he'll ever hit bottom. However, I still pray for him and I still have hope that he will, one day, realize that the life he's living isn't really living. He hasn't seen 2 of his 3 boys in well over 10 years. The oldest was actually on the streets with us, selling crack. He got in legal trouble, went back to his mom and has done great.

I think your sister's mental issues make the whole situation worse, but you're doing what I think is best...taking care of her daughter.

I know this is heartbreaking, but I pray for you all every day.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy