why does his behavior make ME feel wrong?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
why does his behavior make ME feel wrong?
I'm curious how to get my senses back. I hope someday to look back on this experience and think "how did I ever believe his crap, why did I TRY for so long" and hopefully be happy and normal again.
A quick example. After a week of working, school, parenting- (while the abf went about his life, working, useing, going to dinners with friends, drinks with friends (4x's last week).... my kids went to their dads for his week on Sun. nite.
I told the abf that I was going to go have a drink and relax Sun. nite. He told me he had plans with his kids and would go w/ me.....
I assumed (that he'd meet me there)
INSTEAD, about 10 o'clock, my cell rang- I was hollared at for going to a bar by myself, and that only "flusies" do that sort of thing.....
My head was spinning- he hung up on me and I called him back, he of course wouldn't answer.... I ended up going home, to debate this issue with him- pointing out how often he is out- and all I do is, work, work, work, school, school, school, and parent, clean, cook, shop......
Nothing penetrated his brain- I then stopped him dead in his tracks and said... "you are a drug addict- you're doing pills again, and party (even if it's only 1 or 2 drinks) at least 3 or 4 times a week with your friends......
He blasted me for "throwing HIS problem in his face" and told me that is why he dosen't tell me about his drug abuse issues-
Everything turned into my fault. I ended up believing that I shouldn't be doing what I normally do- which is visit friends, etc..... I felt like I WAS WRONG-
In my heart I know I did nothing wrong- but I ended up FEELING WRONG.
Why??? How come I allow him to manipulate EVERY situation? Why do I get sucked into his b.s.?
I'm not the one with a drug or alcohol problem.
I don't know how many nites (literally) I was saddened because he was out AGAIN, and when I'd get mad and call- HE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME RUNNING HOME like I DID!!
Please, help me walk through this, and find some strength to help myself.
Love,
Cessy
A quick example. After a week of working, school, parenting- (while the abf went about his life, working, useing, going to dinners with friends, drinks with friends (4x's last week).... my kids went to their dads for his week on Sun. nite.
I told the abf that I was going to go have a drink and relax Sun. nite. He told me he had plans with his kids and would go w/ me.....
I assumed (that he'd meet me there)
INSTEAD, about 10 o'clock, my cell rang- I was hollared at for going to a bar by myself, and that only "flusies" do that sort of thing.....
My head was spinning- he hung up on me and I called him back, he of course wouldn't answer.... I ended up going home, to debate this issue with him- pointing out how often he is out- and all I do is, work, work, work, school, school, school, and parent, clean, cook, shop......
Nothing penetrated his brain- I then stopped him dead in his tracks and said... "you are a drug addict- you're doing pills again, and party (even if it's only 1 or 2 drinks) at least 3 or 4 times a week with your friends......
He blasted me for "throwing HIS problem in his face" and told me that is why he dosen't tell me about his drug abuse issues-
Everything turned into my fault. I ended up believing that I shouldn't be doing what I normally do- which is visit friends, etc..... I felt like I WAS WRONG-
In my heart I know I did nothing wrong- but I ended up FEELING WRONG.
Why??? How come I allow him to manipulate EVERY situation? Why do I get sucked into his b.s.?
I'm not the one with a drug or alcohol problem.
I don't know how many nites (literally) I was saddened because he was out AGAIN, and when I'd get mad and call- HE WOULD NEVER HAVE COME RUNNING HOME like I DID!!
Please, help me walk through this, and find some strength to help myself.
Love,
Cessy
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
I'm not the one with a drug or alcohol problem.
I'm sure when things get bad enough, you'll let go. You are the only person who can know when that will happen though. You get to make that decision.
Hang in there. Life gets better.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Addicts are masters at making US feel guilty! It gets the focus off of them.
I had to learn that no one can make me feel anything, but it took me a while to learn it. He's mad, sweetie..that you can have a drink or two, and you don't go crazy and turn into an alcoholic. He's taking out HIS frustrations on you. I've been there..it used to infuriate me that people could do some drugs "recreationally" and could care less if they never did them again...I certainly can't.
It's up to you to decide whether you will accept his anger. You don't have to. It just takes practice to learn to not let his words affect you. Remember the duck...he's quacking. In this case, pretend YOU'RE the duck, and let his words be like water and roll off your back.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I had to learn that no one can make me feel anything, but it took me a while to learn it. He's mad, sweetie..that you can have a drink or two, and you don't go crazy and turn into an alcoholic. He's taking out HIS frustrations on you. I've been there..it used to infuriate me that people could do some drugs "recreationally" and could care less if they never did them again...I certainly can't.
It's up to you to decide whether you will accept his anger. You don't have to. It just takes practice to learn to not let his words affect you. Remember the duck...he's quacking. In this case, pretend YOU'RE the duck, and let his words be like water and roll off your back.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Because you allow it…and you went running home because of something in you, not him…
I find you going to the bar and it being ok for your boyfriend who is an addict to come along a bit strange. So if he came and drank would that have been ok…there is a very fine line here.
And why would you throw his behavior back in his face. You didn’t like it when he did it to you, so why react back that way and feed into the madness…
He is an addict still in active addiction, not sure what you expect…
And sadly this is classically what happens when two sick people are in the same room…
Of course he is going to question your behavior, then he doesn’t have to look at his…
But that does work both ways, quite nicely…
You hold all the answers to them why’s, and none of them will ever be found looking through him.
I find you going to the bar and it being ok for your boyfriend who is an addict to come along a bit strange. So if he came and drank would that have been ok…there is a very fine line here.
And why would you throw his behavior back in his face. You didn’t like it when he did it to you, so why react back that way and feed into the madness…
He is an addict still in active addiction, not sure what you expect…
And sadly this is classically what happens when two sick people are in the same room…
Of course he is going to question your behavior, then he doesn’t have to look at his…
But that does work both ways, quite nicely…
You hold all the answers to them why’s, and none of them will ever be found looking through him.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
Alrighty then- I guess we are all entitled to our opinions, and I take all of them- (even the ones that are hard to listen to) into my head/heart, and process it. However, with that being said, I can't tell you that I agree AT ALL with what you just said inciting....
First off, when I to to the local place up the road from my house, and my boyfriend comes along- he does drink SODA water.... many times. The times he chooses to do otherwise, I am not his babysitter- also, the fine line is where his problem lies. I have seen this man go many many many times without drinking- or having a drink and NOT get drunk.
My abf problem lies in pills - and abuse of them. I didn't have an alcoholic on my hands before the pills- and I don't think I have one now. I understand that once someone becomes an "addict" that apparently drinking is supposed to be a no-no as well- but I don't know- I have never witnessed alcohol as being an issue.
Also, the bigger part I disagree with- is - that I didn't run home because of something inside of me that was WRONG- or BAD- I ran home- because I have this thing that grown-ups who care about their relationships have- its called RESPONSIBILITY. I would NEVER leave someone I cared about - upset... and just carry on having my own good time. I think that is selfish. Call me weak, perhaps.... I don't think I should have ran home- I wasn't doing anything wrong- but I try to live by example.
If I were upset- than I would expect that he had the respect to come home- when he dosen't show me that respect, I find it to be irresponsible and carless on his part. (p.s. any psychologist in the world would agree with that) - the problem lies in this- when an ADDICT is on the recieving end of a loved ones criticizm, they DONT RUN HOME, they run farther away, that is why they use in the first place, because they are running from themselves.
I just was curious as to why I allow myself to be HURT by his words, he is very manipulative, and if I were on the outside looking in- I would know, that anything he threw at me that night, was mean, hurtful, words, - for what reason??? I don't know.
I don't feel at all guilty about 'throwing his drug abuse in his face'...... It's thrown in MY face constantly- when he fails himself, and me all the time, because of drugs. HE is the one who begged to come home, HE is the one who begged me to help him, HE is the one who made promises he didn't keep, I REFUSE to take responsiblity for believing in him- and then having him fail miserably.
It IS my responsiblity to sooner or later explain to him, that he will not be afforded the luxury of making verbal promises any more, and that I will have to resort to "seeing action"- because of the trust he broke - based on HIS addiction.
However, in NORMAL healthy relationships, there is NOTHING wrong, with believeing in your partner, and attempting to be there for them when they ask for help. I have never crossed a line, and begged HIM to go get help, I've never searched for his pills, I have never involved his family, or made excuses for why he missed work- he's a big boy. I just expect him to show up emotionally and physically for his relationship with me. If he can't then sooner or later I'll be gone.
The only thing I'm guilty of - is loving a man, who became addicted to pain pills- and no longer can be the man he used to be. SORRY if it is hard to let go- of a person you USED to know.
SORRY - if I've never had anyone in my life who is/was an addict- I'm not that good at learning this.
Cessy
First off, when I to to the local place up the road from my house, and my boyfriend comes along- he does drink SODA water.... many times. The times he chooses to do otherwise, I am not his babysitter- also, the fine line is where his problem lies. I have seen this man go many many many times without drinking- or having a drink and NOT get drunk.
My abf problem lies in pills - and abuse of them. I didn't have an alcoholic on my hands before the pills- and I don't think I have one now. I understand that once someone becomes an "addict" that apparently drinking is supposed to be a no-no as well- but I don't know- I have never witnessed alcohol as being an issue.
Also, the bigger part I disagree with- is - that I didn't run home because of something inside of me that was WRONG- or BAD- I ran home- because I have this thing that grown-ups who care about their relationships have- its called RESPONSIBILITY. I would NEVER leave someone I cared about - upset... and just carry on having my own good time. I think that is selfish. Call me weak, perhaps.... I don't think I should have ran home- I wasn't doing anything wrong- but I try to live by example.
If I were upset- than I would expect that he had the respect to come home- when he dosen't show me that respect, I find it to be irresponsible and carless on his part. (p.s. any psychologist in the world would agree with that) - the problem lies in this- when an ADDICT is on the recieving end of a loved ones criticizm, they DONT RUN HOME, they run farther away, that is why they use in the first place, because they are running from themselves.
I just was curious as to why I allow myself to be HURT by his words, he is very manipulative, and if I were on the outside looking in- I would know, that anything he threw at me that night, was mean, hurtful, words, - for what reason??? I don't know.
I don't feel at all guilty about 'throwing his drug abuse in his face'...... It's thrown in MY face constantly- when he fails himself, and me all the time, because of drugs. HE is the one who begged to come home, HE is the one who begged me to help him, HE is the one who made promises he didn't keep, I REFUSE to take responsiblity for believing in him- and then having him fail miserably.
It IS my responsiblity to sooner or later explain to him, that he will not be afforded the luxury of making verbal promises any more, and that I will have to resort to "seeing action"- because of the trust he broke - based on HIS addiction.
However, in NORMAL healthy relationships, there is NOTHING wrong, with believeing in your partner, and attempting to be there for them when they ask for help. I have never crossed a line, and begged HIM to go get help, I've never searched for his pills, I have never involved his family, or made excuses for why he missed work- he's a big boy. I just expect him to show up emotionally and physically for his relationship with me. If he can't then sooner or later I'll be gone.
The only thing I'm guilty of - is loving a man, who became addicted to pain pills- and no longer can be the man he used to be. SORRY if it is hard to let go- of a person you USED to know.
SORRY - if I've never had anyone in my life who is/was an addict- I'm not that good at learning this.
Cessy
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 718
Cessy... Good for you that you are thinking about you and that you took a step to do something you wanted. The part where he sucked you back in... unfortunately, it takes us longer to learn to move away from that familiar trap. The fact that you asking yourself and those of us here those questions, means that you know they deserve and answer. One that you are getting closer to finding. Keep asking yourself and looking for guidance and support. Soon you will know why this behavior of his happens and you will be able to deflect it more and more. You will learn to feel better about you and will continue to do for you. Stay strong, hon.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: delta,bc, canada
Posts: 83
I think we get sucked into the BS because there is apart of us that holds on and wants to believe. Sometimes we fight reality. In active addiction words and reality get twisted and turned, usually to benefit them. I became quite proficient in the end to see the MOTIVES that were behind every scenario and every argument.
He is picking a fight tonight because tomorrow he gets paid. I won't insure the truck so now he has a reason to leave for three days, and on and on and on. It never ends, it's all about them. In a way you are lucky at least he is honest about having a drug problem. It is another story when they tell you they don't. Even more lies to cover up the never ending lies!
He doesn't run home to you when you call because he probably doesn't care how you or what you are feeling at the time. It's all about them! So what to do now? LET GO! Put your hands back in your pockets and let go! It is extremely difficult to live with an active addict. So many people here do and I have nothing but respect for them and commend them to the end of this earth. I couldn't do it. I was not strong enough.
You need to make yourself happy, no one else can do that for you. Certainly not an addict! Take all that negative energy and turn it around to positive energy and direct it towards you. A lovely, beautiful, capable, women.
Hugs tonight!
Jan
He is picking a fight tonight because tomorrow he gets paid. I won't insure the truck so now he has a reason to leave for three days, and on and on and on. It never ends, it's all about them. In a way you are lucky at least he is honest about having a drug problem. It is another story when they tell you they don't. Even more lies to cover up the never ending lies!
He doesn't run home to you when you call because he probably doesn't care how you or what you are feeling at the time. It's all about them! So what to do now? LET GO! Put your hands back in your pockets and let go! It is extremely difficult to live with an active addict. So many people here do and I have nothing but respect for them and commend them to the end of this earth. I couldn't do it. I was not strong enough.
You need to make yourself happy, no one else can do that for you. Certainly not an addict! Take all that negative energy and turn it around to positive energy and direct it towards you. A lovely, beautiful, capable, women.
Hugs tonight!
Jan
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
Trying to be in a relationship with an active addict can make you crazy... and very unhappy. We can't change who they are. We can try and try to relate to them like we would relate to someone in a normal relationship but it's pointless - and it just makes us sick inside. Once we come to accept that we are the ones with the problem, not them, we start to change ourselves. We start to heal from our sickness. I hope things get better for you soon Cessy. Your happiness shouldn't depend on someone whose happiness is dependent on what drugs he has in his system. It just can't work.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
For me the root of my co-dependance is because I'm seeking approval and acceptance. It is something that the addict uses as a tool to control me. Even my AS doesnt seem to want me to have a life outside of him - he needs my life to be centered around him. Going out and having my own life threatens the life he perceives I should have. When you finally get to the point that you dont care what the addict thinks about you then these things wont bother you so much.
Every problem - every situation was always turned around to something that I had done wrong. sometimes I felt like I was being set up. It could be as simple as going shopping and looking at a new shirt - I never buy things for myself because the kids needs are greater. My son would say "you deserve to get yourself something go ahead mom and do it." If I bought the shirt before I got home he would slam me because he would want new clothes and would tell me that if i hadnt bought that shirt then I could have bought him something. He knew that would make me feel guilty.
Drinking was even worse - sure its okay for me to have a drink but if i did have even one drink in front of him - he would throw it in my face the next day. His thinking seemed to be mom bought one shirt = i should get a new wardrobe; mom had one drink = i should be allowed to get drunk.
He analyized everything I did, everything I spent and anytime i did something for myself he would use it against me. He takes the little things i do and turns them around into permission for him to do huge things. Sometimes it feels like I'm under a microscope with every move analyized, logged, and stored away for future ammunition. I came home after christmas with a new pair of jeans that were on sale for 12.00 and actually felt like i wanted to run them to my room and hide them so i wouldnt have to hear it. How ridiculous is that to spend 12.00 on yourself and feel so guilty that I was considering hiding them like a child?
I guess the point i'm trying to make is the addict will see everything that we do as a reflection on them and their needs. They dont see us as having a life seperate from them but as an extension of them. I think that the reason they think this is because this is what we have done for so long - we lived our lives enmeshed in theirs. Its going to be hard when you do break away from that and it takes a long time for them to accept that you are a seperate person.
Every problem - every situation was always turned around to something that I had done wrong. sometimes I felt like I was being set up. It could be as simple as going shopping and looking at a new shirt - I never buy things for myself because the kids needs are greater. My son would say "you deserve to get yourself something go ahead mom and do it." If I bought the shirt before I got home he would slam me because he would want new clothes and would tell me that if i hadnt bought that shirt then I could have bought him something. He knew that would make me feel guilty.
Drinking was even worse - sure its okay for me to have a drink but if i did have even one drink in front of him - he would throw it in my face the next day. His thinking seemed to be mom bought one shirt = i should get a new wardrobe; mom had one drink = i should be allowed to get drunk.
He analyized everything I did, everything I spent and anytime i did something for myself he would use it against me. He takes the little things i do and turns them around into permission for him to do huge things. Sometimes it feels like I'm under a microscope with every move analyized, logged, and stored away for future ammunition. I came home after christmas with a new pair of jeans that were on sale for 12.00 and actually felt like i wanted to run them to my room and hide them so i wouldnt have to hear it. How ridiculous is that to spend 12.00 on yourself and feel so guilty that I was considering hiding them like a child?
I guess the point i'm trying to make is the addict will see everything that we do as a reflection on them and their needs. They dont see us as having a life seperate from them but as an extension of them. I think that the reason they think this is because this is what we have done for so long - we lived our lives enmeshed in theirs. Its going to be hard when you do break away from that and it takes a long time for them to accept that you are a seperate person.
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Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Cessy,
I spent a long time with my head running after my heart.
Our heart wants and needs what our mind knows is not possible at this time.
Detaching helps to look logically at what is happening, and helps push the emotional reaction to the background for a bit.
Its hard work, but makes sense in the long run.
(((Hugs)))
I spent a long time with my head running after my heart.
Our heart wants and needs what our mind knows is not possible at this time.
Detaching helps to look logically at what is happening, and helps push the emotional reaction to the background for a bit.
Its hard work, but makes sense in the long run.
(((Hugs)))
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
However, in NORMAL healthy relationships, there is NOTHING wrong, with believeing in your partner, and attempting to be there for them when they ask for help. I have never crossed a line, and begged HIM to go get help, I've never searched for his pills, I have never involved his family, or made excuses for why he missed work- he's a big boy. I just expect him to show up emotionally and physically for his relationship with me. If he can't then sooner or later I'll be gone.
What you have isn't a normal relationship.
Obviously you are getting something out of the relationship or you never would have let him back in your home.
I thought I loved my EXAH all those years I was with him, but I had love confused with being needy and trying to rescue him.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Marietta, GA
Posts: 1,453
Cessy here's a great article on detachment - you might find it helpful Developing Detachment | LIVESTRONG.COM
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(((Cessy)))
I've been there Cessy. I too used to jump, thinking I would want my feelings respected so surely I should respect his. But, there is respecting others feelings and there is being manipulated. I had to learn to differentiate for myself, and once I started getting a handle on that, I stopped feeling like the title of your thread. I hope that you get to that place soon too, because it will feel a lot better for YOU!
(((hugs)))
I've been there Cessy. I too used to jump, thinking I would want my feelings respected so surely I should respect his. But, there is respecting others feelings and there is being manipulated. I had to learn to differentiate for myself, and once I started getting a handle on that, I stopped feeling like the title of your thread. I hope that you get to that place soon too, because it will feel a lot better for YOU!
(((hugs)))
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Location: lancaster, PA
Posts: 852
URGH- I'm so frustrated. Thank you all for the replies, I will read them probably ten more times before I get at least SOME of it penetrating my brain.
Please understand- I don't think that every situation is the same- and a few side notes I'd like to add-
My child- yes is a girl, and I've repeatdly said she's away at college- my boys are older and we have 50- 50 custody- on a night that they were home- I wouldn't of had this conversation with the abf- because I wouldn't have been out in the first place.
Secondly- My abf dosen't typically "hollar" at me- He may make snide remarks- something that I DO find unacceptable behavior, HOWEVER- these are manipulative words that he uses, to make me feel bad about myself- to take the heat off of him and all the crap he does.
I KNOW THIS- I was asking WHY I ALLOW it to hurt me, and WHY I start to 'buy into' the words.
In addition- I understand that what I have NOW is not normal- I get that. It used to be NORMAL prior to addiciton.
I refuse- to tip-toe around the 'pink elephant'- (yes still calling it a pink one anvil... lol) in the room- I refuse to be accused of 'throwing his addiciton in his face. A fact is a fact. If he dosen't like it- HE HAS CHOICES TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CAN LEAVE. I think that it is WRONG to do drugs, I think it is SELFISH to expect us to sit back and be oh so as cynical one put it "supportive".
I tried supportive, if you read my previous posts.- it didn't work. Now I'm living MY life- and if he has a hard time with it and I bring up that I refuse to sit around and wait for the crumbs of a relationship I get with him- (because other times he's tired from the drugs, or he's out with friends, becuase of the drugs- etc.) and that is considered throwing it in his face- well then so be it.
Like I said, he could leave if he dosen't like hearing the truth- or dosen't like the fact that I put it on the table for him to see.
Period.
Why should I have the be the one kicking and screaming- saying - "if you don't get clean you have to leave!"
Been there- done that. For whatever reason, like i said before, I believed him. It didn't work. I'm not kicking him out again- I'm going on with my life, sooner or later he will understand that although I am here, I'm gone. Sooner or later, whatever kept him here before, isn't any longer. Pretty soon, he will see, that I'm not going to sit back and tip-toe around FACTs.
I know the pig isn't going to sing-
who knows- perhaps the pig will sooner or later realize that there is nothing left to feed off of here- and move on himself.
I'm sick of making all the decisions, and changes, and sacrafices....
guess I'm just getting plain ol' pissed @ it all......
sorry- know I was venting a little.
Thanks for listening and responding.
Cessy
Please understand- I don't think that every situation is the same- and a few side notes I'd like to add-
My child- yes is a girl, and I've repeatdly said she's away at college- my boys are older and we have 50- 50 custody- on a night that they were home- I wouldn't of had this conversation with the abf- because I wouldn't have been out in the first place.
Secondly- My abf dosen't typically "hollar" at me- He may make snide remarks- something that I DO find unacceptable behavior, HOWEVER- these are manipulative words that he uses, to make me feel bad about myself- to take the heat off of him and all the crap he does.
I KNOW THIS- I was asking WHY I ALLOW it to hurt me, and WHY I start to 'buy into' the words.
In addition- I understand that what I have NOW is not normal- I get that. It used to be NORMAL prior to addiciton.
I refuse- to tip-toe around the 'pink elephant'- (yes still calling it a pink one anvil... lol) in the room- I refuse to be accused of 'throwing his addiciton in his face. A fact is a fact. If he dosen't like it- HE HAS CHOICES TOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HE CAN LEAVE. I think that it is WRONG to do drugs, I think it is SELFISH to expect us to sit back and be oh so as cynical one put it "supportive".
I tried supportive, if you read my previous posts.- it didn't work. Now I'm living MY life- and if he has a hard time with it and I bring up that I refuse to sit around and wait for the crumbs of a relationship I get with him- (because other times he's tired from the drugs, or he's out with friends, becuase of the drugs- etc.) and that is considered throwing it in his face- well then so be it.
Like I said, he could leave if he dosen't like hearing the truth- or dosen't like the fact that I put it on the table for him to see.
Period.
Why should I have the be the one kicking and screaming- saying - "if you don't get clean you have to leave!"
Been there- done that. For whatever reason, like i said before, I believed him. It didn't work. I'm not kicking him out again- I'm going on with my life, sooner or later he will understand that although I am here, I'm gone. Sooner or later, whatever kept him here before, isn't any longer. Pretty soon, he will see, that I'm not going to sit back and tip-toe around FACTs.
I know the pig isn't going to sing-
who knows- perhaps the pig will sooner or later realize that there is nothing left to feed off of here- and move on himself.
I'm sick of making all the decisions, and changes, and sacrafices....
guess I'm just getting plain ol' pissed @ it all......
sorry- know I was venting a little.
Thanks for listening and responding.
Cessy
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
who knows- perhaps the pig will sooner or later realize that there is nothing left to feed off of here- and move on himself.
Big hugs. Life will get better. Just take one small step every day towards the future you want.
I've got my own pig running around my barnyard so I know how hard it is. Mine doesn't want to leave either. He likes the free meals. It's about boundaries. Until we are willing to set boundaries and stick to them, our lives won't change. It's our choice. For me - I just need to toughen up and tell the pig to get off my couch. He's not even my boyfriend for Pete's sake. He's just a pathetic addict (in between drugs right now) with no life, no future. It would be better for him if I sent him to a homeless shelter. Because letting him live on my couch isn't helping him get his life together.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: eastern Wyoming
Posts: 65
Originally Posted by cessy68 
However, in NORMAL healthy relationships, there is NOTHING wrong, with believeing in your partner, and attempting to be there for them when they ask for help. I have never crossed a line, and begged HIM to go get help, I've never searched for his pills, I have never involved his family, or made excuses for why he missed work- he's a big boy. I just expect him to show up emotionally and physically for his relationship with me. If he can't then sooner or later I'll be gone.
I used to be "responsible" for everything. Now I'm just an average lady living an average life in peace. It took a lot of getting used to, and good friends in programs like this.
Best wishes to you and your loved one.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Pink elephant….that one yours?
I kinda think we each have our own.
I see resentment, anger, frustration, control, dismissal of self, and yeah I could go on and on…
Look I have been there, done that a thousand damn times….over thinking, and overcomplicating….question after question…
One step forward, 10 back….
And you know what nothing ever made sense, and it won’t, it can’t…and my bottom was low. Not in the sense that I went down with my husband’s ship…I had reasons, big ones why I hopped on his rollercoaster from hell to begin with. And I had fear that I let run me, and fuel ( resentment ) and I missed the obvious stuck in his insanity…I know 100% that why I did what I did made so much sense for me…How could I react any other way, I didn’t know another way, well until I did the work…which sucks I might add, but it is worth it….
Respect…how do we expect to gain respect when we fail to respect ourselves…
Same thing goes for love, how do we love understand the real meaning of love, when we don’t love ourselves…
Forgiveness ( this is for us ) We forgive us for our part, and them because we just have to, to move on…
Acceptance, a bit more complicated at times because it has an element of control wrapped in it. Everyone is entitled to live their life they way they want to….we have that same right…
If you are unhappy and pissed off with your life…well sadly you are exactly where you put yourself…
And the throw it in his face, this is unhealthy for you. There is no need , and you aren’t telling him anything he doesn’t already know. I am sure it feeds into something within you or you wouldn’t do it….
There is so much contradiction from your first to second post and you don’t need to explain yourself. The pain is very evident in your words, you allowed this to happen, and I know I know….omg he is the sick one, he is the problem. No it doesn’t work that way, that type of thinking keeps us trapped in their ******** and stops us from looking into the solutions that would better our lives, bring us peace, and happiness….
I kinda think we each have our own.
I see resentment, anger, frustration, control, dismissal of self, and yeah I could go on and on…
Look I have been there, done that a thousand damn times….over thinking, and overcomplicating….question after question…
One step forward, 10 back….
And you know what nothing ever made sense, and it won’t, it can’t…and my bottom was low. Not in the sense that I went down with my husband’s ship…I had reasons, big ones why I hopped on his rollercoaster from hell to begin with. And I had fear that I let run me, and fuel ( resentment ) and I missed the obvious stuck in his insanity…I know 100% that why I did what I did made so much sense for me…How could I react any other way, I didn’t know another way, well until I did the work…which sucks I might add, but it is worth it….
Respect…how do we expect to gain respect when we fail to respect ourselves…
Same thing goes for love, how do we love understand the real meaning of love, when we don’t love ourselves…
Forgiveness ( this is for us ) We forgive us for our part, and them because we just have to, to move on…
Acceptance, a bit more complicated at times because it has an element of control wrapped in it. Everyone is entitled to live their life they way they want to….we have that same right…
If you are unhappy and pissed off with your life…well sadly you are exactly where you put yourself…
And the throw it in his face, this is unhealthy for you. There is no need , and you aren’t telling him anything he doesn’t already know. I am sure it feeds into something within you or you wouldn’t do it….
There is so much contradiction from your first to second post and you don’t need to explain yourself. The pain is very evident in your words, you allowed this to happen, and I know I know….omg he is the sick one, he is the problem. No it doesn’t work that way, that type of thinking keeps us trapped in their ******** and stops us from looking into the solutions that would better our lives, bring us peace, and happiness….
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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Posts: 852
Inciting- I appreciate your attempts to open my eyes (and time) posting to me. I do not feel that my post from the first to the second was much different- just a bit of anger creeping through my blood.
Just so you know- my abf since I wrote that- has not done pills. I'm confused. He stops, he starts. I can't stand it.
I know that I am unhappy with my relationship- BUT NOT MY LIFE. I have three beautiful kids, who are almost grown, I've had an amazeing career, and now I am in school full time... one of my proffessors almost fell off her chair, when she realized today, that I have 3kids- work 50 plus hrs a week, and go to school full time!!
So - my sense of self is there- I have great friends and family. I can't help- but want the old guy back. I can't help being confused. And by the way- some of our mutual friends (guys) who know about his problem, and how he's begged 4 my help- only to use again- feel like it is a slap in my face. They all want to crack him with a bat, - so how come everyone around me validates my anger and not here????
Thanks for listing - I do appreciate it. I hope someday, I say, WOW I GET IT.
love,
cess
Just so you know- my abf since I wrote that- has not done pills. I'm confused. He stops, he starts. I can't stand it.
I know that I am unhappy with my relationship- BUT NOT MY LIFE. I have three beautiful kids, who are almost grown, I've had an amazeing career, and now I am in school full time... one of my proffessors almost fell off her chair, when she realized today, that I have 3kids- work 50 plus hrs a week, and go to school full time!!
So - my sense of self is there- I have great friends and family. I can't help- but want the old guy back. I can't help being confused. And by the way- some of our mutual friends (guys) who know about his problem, and how he's begged 4 my help- only to use again- feel like it is a slap in my face. They all want to crack him with a bat, - so how come everyone around me validates my anger and not here????
Thanks for listing - I do appreciate it. I hope someday, I say, WOW I GET IT.
love,
cess
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Originally Posted by cessy68
And by the way- some of our mutual friends (guys) who know about his problem, and how he's begged 4 my help- only to use again- feel like it is a slap in my face. They all want to crack him with a bat, - so how come everyone around me validates my anger and not here????
Addicts lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, act selfishly, etc... all in pursuit of their drug. Those behaviors make me angry. I don't want them in my life.
But anger doesn't eliminate those negative behaviors - action does.
My anger AT the addict does NOTHING to solve my problem unless I use that anger to make choices that will benefit me in the long run.
So, I guess I'd say, it's fine to be angry, it's natural to be angry, but if I want to stop being angry and start being at peace, I have to do something about the events/people who are provoking my anger.
-TC
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
((Cessy))
Anger is valid, but at some point you have to move past it. I was angry for 20 years, but I didn't do a damned thing about it! Everyone told me I deserved better, everyone that knew the 2 of us, even told HIM he treated me like dirt. At first they were all supportive of me. In the end, they wondered what was wrong with me, that I put up with his crap for so long. I lost some very good friends, because they got tired of seeing me all wrapped up in him. Sure, I had a job...went to nursing school and became a nurse while I was with him. Started making good money, bought an RV, we went on great vacations.
I was still miserable, and he was still an alcoholic. The end of our relationship was the beginning of my own addiction. That's how much of a codie I was. I had forgotten how to deal with life.
I'm not saying you're going to turn out like me. I'm just saying that being angry is good for a while, but when I look back, I see that he didn't do very much that I didn't LET him do. I got what I tolerated. Now, the 2 XABF's who followed him, yeah they stole from me, but I still took them back (I'm a very slow learner).
I finally realize a lot of the anger I had at them, was really at me...how in the he!! did I let myself get in that place. Sure, he was a great guy, at first, but when it got bad, I just kept holding on...and holding on.
I didn't understand any of this, sweetie, for a long time. It took 3 XABF's, my own addiction, and coming to SR for recovery from addiciton and codependency to begin to grasp it all.
When we get tired of being hurt and angry, we make a change, and usually not a moment sooner. We get there in our own time. That doesn't mean those of us, who care about you, aren't going to do a little compassionate nudging along the way
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
Anger is valid, but at some point you have to move past it. I was angry for 20 years, but I didn't do a damned thing about it! Everyone told me I deserved better, everyone that knew the 2 of us, even told HIM he treated me like dirt. At first they were all supportive of me. In the end, they wondered what was wrong with me, that I put up with his crap for so long. I lost some very good friends, because they got tired of seeing me all wrapped up in him. Sure, I had a job...went to nursing school and became a nurse while I was with him. Started making good money, bought an RV, we went on great vacations.
I was still miserable, and he was still an alcoholic. The end of our relationship was the beginning of my own addiction. That's how much of a codie I was. I had forgotten how to deal with life.
I'm not saying you're going to turn out like me. I'm just saying that being angry is good for a while, but when I look back, I see that he didn't do very much that I didn't LET him do. I got what I tolerated. Now, the 2 XABF's who followed him, yeah they stole from me, but I still took them back (I'm a very slow learner).
I finally realize a lot of the anger I had at them, was really at me...how in the he!! did I let myself get in that place. Sure, he was a great guy, at first, but when it got bad, I just kept holding on...and holding on.
I didn't understand any of this, sweetie, for a long time. It took 3 XABF's, my own addiction, and coming to SR for recovery from addiciton and codependency to begin to grasp it all.
When we get tired of being hurt and angry, we make a change, and usually not a moment sooner. We get there in our own time. That doesn't mean those of us, who care about you, aren't going to do a little compassionate nudging along the way
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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