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Some good thoughts for the newbies

Old 01-31-2008, 08:27 PM
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Some good thoughts for the newbies

I have been on this board for a little over a year now. I showed up wondering how to fix all my ex's. First BF was a crack addict, next a heroin addict, next a pot addict oh and lets not forget the alcoholic. Anyone else see a pattern here. I tended to date men that I thought I could fix. You know like they were a leaky faucet or something. My love was gonna cure them. Love is a powerful thing BUT not as powerful as addiction. I think I wanted to marry 2 out of 4 of them. Oh they would be great fathers (when clean), perfect husbands (when clean), treat me like gold (when clean). When they either dumped me cause I got in the way of the drugs or I dumped them because of the drugs. I was devastated heartbroken, couldnt sleep, couldnt eat, obsessed over them. Worry they would meet someone else and become the man I WANTED him to be. Never happened but my mind was a tad nuts.

Sorry this will get long winded. Even got pregnant once on accident but it was towards the end of the relationship and I knew I couldnt bring a child into that life. Whether u believe in abortion or not that isnt the issue here. Just couldnt do that. Even if I thought a child would "save" them the addict. See I knew he was already an addict. Some people get married for years and their husbands turn to drugs after the kids, home, happy life.

A few years later I met my now fiance who is NOT an addict. Here is where my great thought just came to mind. He is out with the guys tonight I am home. Heres the exciting part. I am not calling him, I am not worrying if he will come home, I know he wont blow his paycheck, I know he wont cheat!!! Oh and if I call his cell phone he will answer it, it wont be off.

I know heartbreak sucks, I know dating an addict sucks. I dont regret dating who I have dated though. I learned alot about me, learned boundries, learned I NEED to be respected, I can spot manipulation a mile away. I can smell BS. One more thing I gave Sherlock Holmes back his hat and let him be the detective cause I NO longer have to be. Yes life is good!!! There is someone out there who will treat u better, the way u deserve to be treated. Dont settle for nothing but the BEST for youself.
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Old 01-31-2008, 09:15 PM
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Hi Kj~~Glad you stopped the cycle and are happy now. We all deserve that. With me its my son that I hope will stop his cocaine addiction. He's been to rehab but I don't have all the faith in the world with that......it's so hard when its your child that is facing addiction. I just couldn't imagaine the pain of being married to someone with a drug problem. But at least theres the choice of walking away. I can't walk away from my son.SO~~~~enjoy life and I.m thrilled for you. Smiles, Bonnie
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Old 01-31-2008, 09:45 PM
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Great post KJ...Doesn't it feel great to give up the fixer role, focus on yourself and find that life can be wonderful when we treat ourselves with the love and respect we deserve? Hugs
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Old 01-31-2008, 09:57 PM
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What an awesome post. When we are with a selfish addict we think it is all about them.
The true lesson is it is and always has been about us. Why are we in it. What does our own inventory look like and if things aren't working what can we do about changing ourselves instead of changing them. It takes work and experience to break our cycle.
Yea for you!!!! You are doing it !!!!! You know what healthy feels like now.
It is not all about marrying the right person, but being the right person.
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Old 01-31-2008, 10:37 PM
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((((KJ)))))

Thanks for a post I need to read. I've done the same thing....3 ex bf's...1st was an alcoholic, last 2 were crack addicts when I was in active addiction.

I'm hoping that I'm learning what you've learned. I'm taking it slow...and I'm a lot more aware of what I DON'T want, and I sure don't want anyone I feel needs "fixing". Thanks!!

Hugs and prayers!

Amy
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Old 01-31-2008, 11:23 PM
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Just on a side note. I have dated other guys that werent addicts and even then breaking up with them hurt like hell. Addict or non-addicts its not easy getting your heart broken. BUT life does go on and I will still wake up every morning the world doesnt end, it sure feels like it though. It doesnt matter. I just dont want to see some people fall deeper and deeper in love. None of those were short relationships most of them were 2+ years, yes I am a slow learner when it comes with addict I think OH they are different than the last one or any other addict. No they werent same old behaviors same old actions.

It does get better once you free yourself and find yourself again. The only person I have to worry about is me.
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:18 AM
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KJ, what a beautiful post showing the rewards that come with OUR recovery, regardless of whether they find theirs or not.

I was also a slow learner, although for me it was with my son. It took me a long time to let go of his addiction and all the fear that I felt about it and with recovery it wasn't even so much about learning to let go, it was that when I learned to take care of myself, the letting go just came easier.

It feels good to not sleep with my purse, car keys and jewelery, it feels good not to wait for the next cell phone bill so I could piece together his activities, it feels good to see a sunrise or sunset and just find peace in the beauty and to live each day well, as God intended.

Recovery just feels good.

Hugs and Thank You.
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:23 AM
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KJ...

Your recovery is shining so brightly !
Thanks for the uplifting post !
I'm celebrating with you this morning !!

Last edited by outonalimb; 02-01-2008 at 04:24 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 02-01-2008, 10:59 AM
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Originally Posted by BBD View Post
Hi Kj~~Glad you stopped the cycle and are happy now. We all deserve that. With me its my son that I hope will stop his cocaine addiction. He's been to rehab but I don't have all the faith in the world with that......it's so hard when its your child that is facing addiction. I just couldn't imagaine the pain of being married to someone with a drug problem. But at least theres the choice of walking away. I can't walk away from my son.SO~~~~enjoy life and I.m thrilled for you. Smiles, Bonnie
I understand how you feel. When we first realized my son was an addict, his wife said she was leaving him. I didn't blame her. Since my son seems to be making some progress (sometimes two steps forward and one back but still progress in our eyes) she has decided not to leave for now anyway. I think she feels like I do that I can give him a chance (in my case the last one) but if he blows it then he has to suffer the consequences. I will always love him but like my friend who dated alcoholics said it gets to a point when you feel like you have given a safety net but it didn't work out. THEN when they called she said she would say "I love you but you're drunk. Go to AA." Click. At some point if my son goes the wrong direction, I may have to do the same thing. At that point, I won't it consider it walking away, I'll consider it waiting for him....

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Old 02-01-2008, 03:17 PM
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KJ -

It sounds like we must have a family connection somewhere....I've had a slew of addicts that I have been involved with too. I finally broke the pattern and a 3 months after we married he developed early on-set Alzheimer's. After that, I returned to the addict pattern (one found me while I was still spinning from the dementia situation). I so wished that I had had the opportunity to read your email 30 years ago.

Congrats on your hard won happiness!

Love, Donna

Last edited by lightseeker; 02-01-2008 at 03:17 PM. Reason: missed strokes on keyboard
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:18 PM
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ooops....computer sticking....I meant broke the pattern and married a man - 3 months after he married he.....

sorry!
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Old 02-01-2008, 03:24 PM
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As a Newbie.... thanks. This is my first addict... but lots of men I thought I could fix that would inturn feel grateful and value me all the more.... that's been working out great for me. But lately I've been angry, and that beats sad any day of the week... for me anyway. And this site has allowed me to see my future if I don't make changes now... so thanks KJ0975, and everyone else that has reached out to allow others to profit from your experience.
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Old 02-01-2008, 04:20 PM
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Thank you so much for this.

My husband is going out of town later this month and that is when I will make my escape. I know this is what I need to do in order to survive yet in typical codependent fashion all I can think of is I feel guilty and how mad he will be.

I know not being someones emotional hostage will be a welcome change.

I keep reminding myself that I cannot control this and I need to stop praying for a certain outcome and instead pray for the strength to deal with whatever the outcome may be.

I also keep thinking that I am being taken out of this situation for a reason. And whatever is meant to be will be.

Thanks again for the awesome post!
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Old 02-01-2008, 06:04 PM
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I've had the same pattern. Fortunately, the boys father wasn't one! We got together on the rebound of my xah... I couldn't believe my luck. Well we had been friends for 7 years and we went from friends to being parents. We are best as just that.... but not in love.

After him I have had 2 addicts in my life. I'm realizing I never got over the codie behavior from my xah... and I'm now working hard on myself and what I want in life! Being with an addict doesn't fall into that category!

It's interesting I too would think this guy isn't as bad of an addict as the last...... and then dark comes to light!

Peace ~
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