I'm ready to talk...

Old 01-10-2008, 11:53 AM
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I'm ready to talk...

1) AD came home for Christmas, great time, got homesick, took up w/ decent old friend from high school (first boyfried) and he wanted her to come back home.

2)12-29 AD calls after fight w/ "associate mgr" she was staying with until Jan 8 when she could go back to sober house. Alot of drama going on, wants to come After talking to her sponsor and my group, decided a change could be ok as she was "ok".

3) Came back, looking for job. Couldn't move in immediately w/ friend due to money issues, he works alot. She doesn't handle rejection, or preceived rejection, and he know this.

4) New Year Eve, she was supposedly w/ him....wrong. She has been lying since that day. He called today, hasn't seen her in a week, she won't call him back, he is concerned.

5) yesterday, I got to work early to check my checking acct as I am bad not to mark my debit withdrawls down. She has stolen my debit card, taken $400. Havent' heard from her since.

6) Yesterday her dad changed the locks AGAIN, turned off cell phone, and I filed police report for theft. Also sent a 10 Day Demand letter to return car or warrant will be issued for unlawful use of motor vehicle (had a good police lady yesterday)

Once again, I had to press charges on my own daughter. Two of the cash withdrawl's were within spitting distance of the freak who burned her, so I'd bet the $400 she stole that is where she is. I am powerless, I am broken. I feel betrayed, stupid, used to name a few. I am not mad or surprised, more disappointed. I know she is going to die. I've had a couple of de ja vue (?) episodes the last week and they aren't leading to anything good. Had another one while reading a post a while ago. Said exactly what I had dreamed a week or so ago.......maybe God preparing me.

Yesterday I lost my faith, my hope, my courage. I wanted her to die or me, still do today. The pain is consuming. Her friend is going to look for her, I warned him to be careful of what he would find (he knows the horrible truth).

I haven't looked for her, haven't called around the globe, I just breathe. That's all I can do. Cried some last night, but had a migraine anyway so finally got some sleep.

I don't believe anymore, I don't have any hope. I think she is mentally ill. I think by telling people relapses are "part of it" makes them think it's OK. I think she wants to die, too! I think I am beginning to not love her like I used to, but to love her like I do a person on the street or one I care for in the ER. She looks awful, acts like an animal. I have forgiven so many times only to be destroyed again.

SO, I am in a bad, dark place. I am the only one who can help me. I only wanted you to know what was going on and why I might not be around for a while. I am no good to anyone, I have nothing good to offer.

Please pray for me, and my family. My son doesn't know yet, I can hardly wait for that one! The 5yo niece looked for her this am, I told her I didn't know where Kasey was. She put her hands on her eyes, laid back on the pillow and said "not again". 5 years old and she gets it!

The hurt and pain addicts put their loved one through is horrible, and I hope she feels just as bad wherever she is, if she is capable of feeling anything. She makes me sick.

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Old 01-10-2008, 12:10 PM
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I am so sorry. My prayers are for you and your family. Sending prayers also for Kasey and asking HP to hold her and guide her.
I also have a daughter in addiction. I know the heartache.
Praying for you to have peace in your heart and head.
I am sorry you were betrayed again.
Hus and Love to you
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Old 01-10-2008, 12:22 PM
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Your daughter is an addict and doing what addicts do. Your hope that it could be differerent this time has been shattered. As her mother you ache and you are mad. All understandable. Please don't isolate from us. If you share perhaps it will help you and help the rest of us who are all too familiar with the same type of situation. It will help us see how you work through this. You have choices and I have learned through the months you are wise.
Just remember Susan you are not her HP so you don't know that she is going to die.
All we know about is today. ((((((((((((((Susan))))))))))))))
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Old 01-10-2008, 12:49 PM
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SO, I am in a bad, dark place. I am the only one who can help me. I only wanted you to know what was going on and why I might not be around for a while. I am no good to anyone, I have nothing good to offer.
When your in a dark place is when you need your friends an you have lots of friends here. Not just friends but friends that understand what your going through. Wish I could be of some help or had some wise thing to say like the others, but I don't, just know I understand the pain your feeling. Keeping you in my prayers.
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:07 PM
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Susan, Even if you don't feel like posting, please continue to come here and read. I have found that even in my darkest days, there is always something here that I need to read. It has always helped me. Prayers for Kasey. She does not want to die, she just is not ready to give up the drugs yet. Maybe more that she needs to learn. Prayers for you too. I know the feeling of just wanting to die. Been there. Hugs, Marle
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:17 PM
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so sorry you are going thru this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:25 PM
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Awwww Susan,
I wish I could say just the thing to make you feel better but I know I can't. You have to feel what you feel. It will take some time for you to feel good again. I hate addiction and what it does to the people we love and what it does to us.

Although things are going fairly well here, I still sometimes wonder if I'll ever feel the feeling of freedom again. It is just something that never goes away. I don't know how to get to that place. I read here all of the time and take the advice of others who seem to be in a better place than me but nothing works. I know the feeling of being trapped for life. All I can do for you is comiserate with you. To tell you I know the feeling of despair. I haven't been feeling good lately and I'm not offering anything good except that I love you and pray for you everyday. If you ever feel like you need to get away please come here for a visit.

Prayers for peace and comfort..............Lo
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:28 PM
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i am sorry you are so sad. i feel your pain. your daughter is not your daughter right now but she is there. feel the pain,walk thru it. never give up hope,turn it over to your h.p.
we can not face these things some days & weeks too. just know we are all here for you & don't give up on your recovery. it is the only thing that keeps me sane.we all understand where you are. sending big hugs to you & lots of prayers up for kasey,her kids & you.
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:50 PM
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Wish I had my magical wand to make it all better.

Please, don't isolate....we all care about you. You may not think you have "anything to offer" are so wrong because when I feel like having a pity party, I remind myself how you (and other mom's here) keep going when you're hearts are broken and you feel like curling up in a ball and dying. You are an inspiration to me not in spite of the bad times you've gotten through, but because of those show me that bad stuff happens, our hearts get broken, but we can and do keep going and learn how to smile again.

Hugs and prayers!

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Old 01-10-2008, 01:53 PM
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Sure wish there was something to do to make you feel better.
I'm wondering if the name "Casey/Kasey" has something to do with it. My son's name is Casey, so we have that in common, and he is a hell raiser for sure Never exactly seems to reach the bottom I pray for, for him.

It's very hard to sit back when these things happen, and say, yes this is what her H.P. intends for her, right where she needs to be. But, in reality, there is some reason, somewhere. I often find myself questioning my H.P. when my Casey, runs amok again, too.

And yes, I remember a time I kind of sort of, wished him to die, to get him out of this miserable existance he was living. Then, for some unknown reason, he turned a corner, and began being sober, in pieces and parts. So, if it's possible for him, it's possible for anyone.

It's hard to believe, but it's going to be okay.
I am praying they pick her up, and deposit her butt in jail. Maybe that will help her, or at least you will know she's warm, safe, and fed.

Hugs to you,
prayers for Kasey...

Keep sharing...okay?
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Old 01-10-2008, 01:58 PM
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I am so sorry you are going through this. We are all here for you. All my prayers for you and your family.

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Old 01-10-2008, 03:49 PM
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I'm so sorry. Like the others said, We need you here. I hope you come here when you feel up to it. I'm sending you a big hug and an angel on your shoulder...

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Old 01-10-2008, 03:51 PM
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Old 01-10-2008, 04:09 PM
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It's sad, but I too remember feeling that way about my ABF. During one of his past binges, he went almost 2 weeks without eating. He looked horrible, lost a lot of weight, he was severely dehydrated. I knew he was going to die...I knew it was coming and I just wanted to hurry up and get it over with and get on with my life. I've never wished anyone to die before in my life, but his life and my life would have been so much easier, I thought, if we just didn't have to go through this anymore. Of course, I am glad he hasn't died yet, but it's just so hard for me to understand how something could have a hold on someone like that. In the end, it all makes me stronger.
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Old 01-10-2008, 04:11 PM
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Please don't stop coming need not offer anything, but "take" this time around. Thats how this works.
I once felt the way you do now in that I needed someone to go away, either me or my son. My heart just didn't feel strong enough to take on the slow process of him destroying himself.
I find now a days I still struggle when he does, but do OK when he does.
Thats not how I had planned my recovery to be, so I still have a lot of work to do.
But I do know now that I "can" be OK even if he's not...if I can gather the strength to allow myself.
That, for me is the hardest part.
Allowing me to find happiness all on my own.
You are not alone, we are walking with you. And we care about you.
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Old 01-10-2008, 06:02 PM
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I know the frustration, the fear, the sadness...
this disease is the devil himself, but isolation just feeds the fear. You don't have to do anything alone.
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Old 01-10-2008, 06:39 PM
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Hi Susan,
I'm very sorry this has happened, and that you are in such a scary place. I'm going through similar stuff with my ah, but i'm not as brave as you are, and haven't posted, Please stay with us, don't be by yourself. We need you here, and trust me, you are much more valuable than you think! Hang in there, we're with you.Your family is in my prayers tonight. I hope your daughter is found soon. (((((hugs)))))
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Old 01-10-2008, 07:02 PM
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Susan, When you come here and tell your story be it good or bad news, the rest of us learn from you. I know that we still must make our own decisions and mistakes, but it makes it easier knowing that we are not alone in those decisions or those mistakes. You will get stronger. Your life has so much meaning no matter what Kasey does. I know there have been times when I have felt like "what is the use" and then someone will message me with a thank-you and tell me that I have helped them and it makes me feel so much better knowing that my pain has helped someone to feel just a bit better. You have done that for people here too, don't forget that. Hugs, Marle
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Old 01-10-2008, 07:25 PM
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I feel your pain, sweetie. I'm in a very dark place right now, too.
It sucks. Please know that we are all here for you. With prayers, love,
support, name it, you got it. pm me if you'd like to talk.
Prayers going up for you and your family.
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Old 01-10-2008, 07:33 PM
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Ah, Girlfriend, you did what you did out of love. She did what she did out of addiction. You are both playing your parts in this family disease drama.

Every one of us knows the pain you are going through. Some from our parents, some from our spouses, and some from our children, but the pain is the same. There is simply no easy way to watch them self-destruct.

Over on another thread, when one of us is having a really, really bad day, we pull out our virtual rocking chair, we all climb up in it together, we hold each other and comfort each other and rock together until the pain starts to lessen and we can get a fresh reserve of positivity.

Want to rock with us tonight, Susan? We can't change your reality, but we can hold you while you cry.....and we can cry with you.

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