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The dreaded word

Old 10-23-2007, 07:31 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Hi Barb--:sorry

Go back to step one--we are powerless. You could have called him, chased him down, but the is going to do what he wants to do! We are POWERLESS and that is the hardest thing for me to constantly let go. I posted on another thread that I used to think the 12 Steps were worked, learned and life was good again. I was wrong, they are worked over and over, learning something different each time.

I pray this is a bump in the road, and not an entire road reconstruction. Nine months is along time, he knows he messed up and hopefully will get back in the program immediately! You can't make him feel worse than he does. Although I still hope AD feels only one half the pain she has put me through--when I'm the old Susan! Stay strong, get out of the covers and move on w/ life. Set the example you always have, and just love him!!:ghug3

Prayers and understanding,
susan
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:03 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
Barbdee, sweetie, you can't get him responsible any more than you can get him clean. He is the only one who can get himself there.
:codiepolice
Hugs
Ann, I think I said that wrong...I need to "teach" him how to use MSMoney, how to get on a budget and how to NOT bounce checks all the time. Once I help him get started, then he's on his own. But at least I will have given him all the proper tools.
And darn it all, that was the ONLY positive I could find in this :-) I'm sure there are better positives, but I certainly can't see them yet!
Love, B
ps...did I get a ticket from the codie police? :-) It's okay as long as my insurance rates don't go up from it!
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:03 AM
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Barb,
Sometimes this happens but it doesn't mean that it will start all over again. You and him are not doomed. Six months ago my daughter got completely sober. Twice she fell, but got right back on the recovery horse. She never went back to her DOC but nevertheless it was a relapse. Please keep in mind that he has had a lot of clean time and he knows how good that feels. Have faith that he will catch this before it gets out of hand. You and he both know that he can do it because he did.

Stay strong and if you need to fall out of life for a day or two thats okay. It is a real disappointment.....I know. It seems that the whole time that they are doing well, we always waiting for the other shoe to drop. When it does it completely sucks the life out of us. It is not the end of the world.....he had a slip up. He sounds like a strong person.....you'll see.

Stay with us......we're all praying he bounces back quickly..........Lo
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:12 AM
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I once had a dream that my was standing in my room, during the middle of the night, and said to me…Mom, I’m sorry, I’ve relapsed…
The dream was so real that when I sat up and looked around I did not know where my son had gone, he had been there just a moment before, and then I realized it was…..just a dream, a very vivid dream.

Relapse is the dreaded word, if I think about it too much I feel like I swallowed a brick.
That does not feel good. I don’t think about it too much anymore.

I can’t imagine, wishing for a mother to hear those words from their child, or to wish for someone fighting their addiction to fail. I can’t imagine wishing such a thing, I just can’t.

Barbdee, as difficult as this is, don’t lose sight that your son is reaching out for recovery. I know a LOT of people that have 5, 10, 15, 20 years clean and sober. I don’t know one of them that did not relapse first.

My own son relapsed several times, all quickly and then he relapsed at around nine months. That was difficult for me, as I’m sure it is for you right now. Yet, it’s, I think, all part of recovery. That he is calling, asking, reaching for help indicates to me that he will one day reach his goals.

My own son will be three years clean in Feb. I can’t promise that he will never ever relapse again. I hope he will not, I pray he will not, but in my heart, from day one, I have always believed he will win. I just believe. Don’t be afraid to believe Barbadee, no matter what don’t be afraid of that.

I wish the best for you and your son.

Hugs from one mom to another
Sigh

PS
I have a question, when someone wins a Nobel Peace Prize or is outstanding in some way why don’t they have their mother’s right up there on stage and say, thanks to you, you created a Nobel Peace Prize Winner all by yourself! We’re going to give half this check to you and half to your mother! No, they don’t do that, do they? They say the Nobel Peace Prize winner did the work and he/she alone deserves the award..so if our children mess up, make mistakes and suffer consequences when then are we/parents held up as responsible by society? (You know they do just that.)

I no longer care about how closed minded people think, perhaps I never did. 

I love my son very much, I would not trade him for any other. I’m proud of him. I am also aware I am not responsible for his success or his failures. I’m just his mom.
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:37 AM
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I am so sorry for that darn dreaded word in your's and your son's life.
Prayers that he gets back on track.
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:38 AM
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I'm sure there are better positives, but I certainly can't see them yet!
Sure there are lots of positives here.

He wants to go back to an Oxford House, so his focus and plan is to get his recovery underway and try again. The willingness to do that is a huge positive that he wants recovery, not active addiction.

He is alive and well and not in the hospital or jail or worse, where many addicts end up when they relapse.

He has learned from this, they always learn something, and that is positive.

And they don't "lose" their clean time, that was also a time of growth and learning and they still have those lesson and that good experience and know how much better sobriety is.

And for you...you too have learned that we, and they, really have one day at a time to maintain our good place. That's a biggee.

And every day they are sober is a miracle. Your son has many miracles and will fine one more today.

And...if you have learned that his relapse sends YOU to your bed to hide...maybe, just maybe, this will be the nudge you need to get yourself to some meetings and build your support and acquire tools to cope with whatever life hands you.

Since the Codie Police already tagged you, I will forego the steel toed bunny slippers...for now...perhaps...
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Ann View Post
And they don't "lose" their clean time, that was also a time of growth and learning and they still have those lesson and that good experience and know how much better sobriety is.

BINGO


exactly
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Old 10-23-2007, 08:51 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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mom hugs to you, barbdee. and prayers to you and your son. relapse stinks. k
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Old 10-23-2007, 09:39 AM
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hoping for you

my hope for you today is that you will find a way to love yourself and take care of yourself......find a good thought, and stay with it long enough to pull yourself up...and give yourself a warm hug...accept that love from yourself to yourself....you are worth it....and much more......luv, mary
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Old 10-23-2007, 09:45 AM
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Barbdee,
I also see positives he is gaining through he relapsed.

He hopefully is discovering what triggered his relapse, that's a real important one right there, and he's learning new paths to take on his recovery road.

Relapse is sad, but maybe it's just something that needs to be, for some to stay sober in the long run?

Hugs and peace for you,
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Old 10-23-2007, 11:36 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Barbdee View Post
I think it's purely selfish, since I was so sure son was on track.
I knew there was a problem two weeks ago (mother's intuition) and I heard him sneak out of the house last night and "knew" where he was going. I should have called him, immediately....should have waited up. Should have, should have, and more. But I didn't. Was I just being lazy...my normal way? Dunno.
Back to ground zero. Damn.

Don't be so hard on yourself. If he wants to use, he will use, even if you call till your blue in the face or wait up till hell freezes over. You can't make him stop anymore than you made him start. I have the intuition my AS has relapsed too. Don't know for sure I just feel it. Hang in there and be nice to yourself.
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Old 10-23-2007, 11:48 AM
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Unfortunately, there is at least one SR board member who was hoping this would happen...since I kept saying he won't relapse...well, you got your wish...hope you can sleep better at night because of it. You win! You know who you are!
(Can you even imagine a former friend hoping your son would relapse?)

I haven't had a chance to read this whole thread yet, but read that part. Kind of ironic to see that part, I was just mentioning to a friend that I felt the same way lately that there are some people that I think would be happier if I relapsed, I thought it was just me being stupid at first, but it's a weird feeling I can't shake, given a few comments on top of that, it's a bad feeling to have with you. Especially from someone/people you thought were friends. Who knows what they are really thinking.
I realized it's not for me to worry about, cuz it was kind of eating me up inside, a
lot of times people want what you have or we might feel guilty for being happy when someone else isn't, there's a whole long list, or it could just be exactly what we think it is, they may not want us to be exceed in hapiness.

But I know one thing, no one can take away our ability and how we use it or our dignity. That we will always have, no MATTER what they think. What matters is what we think and what we are happy with.

I'm sorry your son relapsed. I haven't gotten to finish this thread so I don't even know what's going on now, I'll be back to update soon. But wanted to drop in and give you a hug. :ghug3 Don't let anyone get you down, it's all in how we think.
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Old 10-23-2007, 12:23 PM
  # 33 (permalink)  
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so very sad to hear that dreaded word "relapse" entered your sons' life - but the most wonderful thing that recovery has given me as a wife and a mom of A's is that although they may relapse - we do not have to relapse with them.

Keep taking good care of you & I'll keep lifting him up in good thoughts & prayers.

Wishing You Serenity & Joy,

Rita
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Old 10-23-2007, 01:00 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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Here's my 2 cents worth of opinion to follow Ann & Susan:
I am no longer my son's teacher as that job ended when he was 18.
Now the legal system, consequences, employers, girlfriends, etc. will take on that role. I could teach my son computer programs about money all day long (he was always gifted with Math... so I know he can subtract money from a total if he so chose) Until he takes responsibiltiy and action with his addiction he will not take responsibility with the other areas of his life. Barbdee, the burden you feel for your son is destroying you. Try and figure out ways to Let go + Let God...that is what works for me. I know you are suffering that is where your focuse should be, how to stop. best wishes for a good day.l
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Old 10-23-2007, 02:04 PM
  # 35 (permalink)  
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I was at a conference last weekend. My friend with a long time in AA, but little time in Alanon was sitting next to me. My Alanon sponsor hugged my friend and said to her, "Oh it is so good to see what progress you've made. You are so PRESENT."

My friend just looked at her, puzzled.

Sponsor said, "Don't analyze it. It's a COMPLIMENT!"


You know what the friend did? She worried about it. She obsessed about it. She even told me she thought she wasn't sure she should be in Alanon because she didn't get it (ah... you are obsessing about what someone thinks about you, hon - yeah, you belong here, I said).

Anyway. My friend finally contacted her own sponsor about it. She laughed and said, "Oh for heaven's sake. She told you, right up front... It was a COMPLIMENT, and what you are struggling with is how to make it into something else?"

We both had a laugh about that.

We are not in control of other people's perceptions. Just as I am not in control of whether my kids use or drink. Or whether they learn how to be responsible adults. Or whether my daughter is the best kind of mom. Or whether my son will marry the right gal.

I am not in control of people.... places.... or things.

That is the basis of my program in Alanon. Letting Go. Learning to detach. Listening. Being fully present. Shutting my mouth. Doing the next right thing.

Barbdee.... I think each and every one of us here has either been in a similar situation to you, or fears it very much.

One of the times my kid relapsed, my sponsor told me - have you ever listened to the stories around the tables in AA? Have you noticed that many of the folks with a lot of time have had to "go back out" in order to learn what it REALLY takes to stay clean and sober? Perhaps this is THAT part of your own child's recovery path... don't get in the way.

When they tell me that "Relapse is part of recovery", many of us wince. But the truth of it is, recovering from a RELAPSE can bring many good, deep lessons that aid the long-term recovery process.

I pray this time for him can be short, and that you will also find some strength and wisdom during this painful time.

Remember - you are not alone.

((hugs))
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Old 10-24-2007, 08:55 AM
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After reading all of your posts, I asked AS what his "trigger" was. He said he just wanted to from escape reality. So he is not connecting the dots...he had just come back from a week of job training where they put him through the wringer. He was completely stressed out and I'm sure THAT was his trigger. But if he can't see the connection, then I don't hold out much hope for him, in that respect, until he can understand himself better.
And thanks everyone for reminding me I'm not alone and reminding me that I can't help him. (I had reverted back to being a normal mom and helping him whenever I could, for the last 9 months!)
Barb
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Old 10-24-2007, 10:54 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbdee View Post
After reading all of your posts, I asked AS what his "trigger" was. He said he just wanted to from escape reality. So he is not connecting the dots...he had just come back from a week of job training where they put him through the wringer. He was completely stressed out and I'm sure THAT was his trigger. But if he can't see the connection, then I don't hold out much hope for him, in that respect, until he can understand himself better.
And thanks everyone for reminding me I'm not alone and reminding me that I can't help him. (I had reverted back to being a normal mom and helping him whenever I could, for the last 9 months!)
Barb

Nope your right, we have to do it for ourselves because there is always going to be a reason for me to use, today it would be I'm pissed off because my Dad hasn't called to check on me and we're only in a "State of Disaster" and a line sounds really good to me. Last week a book I read triggered the hell out me. And I'm really tired both weeks, lol, I want a line. So what. I just don't do one.
If I really wanted to do one, no one could stop me, but instead I just know I need to do what I need to do to not do one. Doing a line to get through a problem is not an option.
That is something we have to figure out on our own. Nothing is worth doing a line, or our drug of choice over. And no one but the little man running around in our head is the one has to convince us of that.

It may not have been his job it doesn't always have to be a major trigger, and maybe he does understand himself more than you think he does. We don't need a major trigger to do our drugs, all we need is a simple thought. Drugs are very rewarding to the brain in the beginning, we don't need a reason, a trigger, or much for a yes, just a though is good enough sometimes.
But just the same it's the thoughts that lead us to No again.
Good luck to you both!

:ghug
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