frankie_b

Heather, my life today is peaceful and serene the vast majority of time. I'm very happy and grateful for how my life is today. Recovery is a gift that keeps on giving over time as long as I stay in the solution and do the footwork.
Acceptance, peace and serenity happen for me when my heart, mind and spirit are aligned.
Time takes time. I believe as you keep keeping on and apply the many tools of recovery to your own life you'll experience more and more serene moments.
You have a highly intelligent, analytical mind. Can you think of ways to shift your energy from your busy mind to your heart and spiritual energies? The latter need opening and nourishing too.

What can you do to be aware when you are slipping, to stop the cycle of obsessive and negative thoughts? How can you feel more grounded?

You're making progress Heather even when you may not think you are. As a process, recovery evolves over time. It's not something
one conquers or controls. Be kind, gentle and patient with yourself.
Hugs

Ann

When my serenity is shaky, I talk to God. I mean that I have a very lengthy conversation with God telling him all about it. Sometimes He answers, but more often then not, I come up with my own answers while I am talking it through.

Then I give it all up to Him, and take a nice long walk, or a bubble bath and get my mind into something else.

Works for me.

Hugs

raerae6

I journal, I just write whatever comes to mind-kind of stream of consciousness....and while I'm doing that I try to focus on my thoughts and feelings surounding the situation and that helps lead me to discover what my motivation was.

And once I discover what my motivation was, then I can identify what need I was trying to fulfill and plan for a different or more healthy way to fulfill that need.

If I'm just tryin to ground myself cause my mind is spinning around it helps to get out into a nature setting. One thing that grounds me really well is to listen to the John Coltane album "Live at Birdland"...I don't know why, but it works every time!

BrokenBridges24

I so agree with everyone. Any number of these things helps. I say a prayer and talk to God. Then I make myself think positively. I just said to DH yesterday no negative words today... only say positive stuff. The refrigerator broke and he said Well.. the best of this is we get to clean out the freezer now... you have been waiting to do that right dear.

I think you are thinking too much. Questioning yourself too much. You are a bright and beautiful person Heather. I told you that the other day. You are way too hard on yourself. You have gone through so much with you ABF. You have been emotionally bruised. It takes time to trust feelings again. To believe in yourself again. To trust him. I mean it all goes with this whole mess we are all in. You just have to stop mistrusting you and who you are. Love yourself and like who you are. If you feel uneasy, mistrusting remember it is ok just try to not let it wound you inside. Does that make sense? I mean you can beat yourself up until you are blue in the face but the greatest thing is and you missed it...you caught yourself slipping back into that dark world of codependency and you are trying as hard as you can to get back to where you were. THat is great!! Go easy on yourself. Look for the positive...

(((HUGS)))
-Broken

HKAngel24

See-- here is the thing (my overanalytical mind kicking in again-) I am never quite sure that what I do is healthy. I often try to let all the busy, chatter settle below my mental focus. Then I mechanically go throughout my day without engaging my emotions because this keeps me out of the emotional train wreck I've become alot of the time esp when I'm faltering and not practicing recovery behaviors. For a short while when I was dealing with abf I was even able to detach in the sense that I removed my emotions from our conversations- they would be like a rollarcoaster otherwise, skyrocketing or plummeting with each word and my interpretation.

But I'm still never sure whether or not that mildly pushing them away is a good thing. Will they just come back more forceful later? I often think they may make my next "Relapse" that more devestating because I thought I was done with that behavior and resolved to move forward into MY solution, in MY recovery, helping to sav MY life. Or is all the busy, hecticness of my mind causing me to make things more complicated to the point where I can't make sense of anything but craziness??

GiveLove

HK,

Do you love what you're doing with your life right now?

Do you have any sort of mission in life....something you want to do with the gift of time you've been given here? Do you have a community of people who care deeply about you, other than "him" ?

I had an okay time grounding myself before I had these things. I had an EASY time doing it after I created them. "Busywork" to keep obsessive thoughts away is fine, but nowhere near as effective as "Dreamwork". Dreams and goals feed my soul, make me anxious to get out of bed in the morning and get my day started, because I'm doing things that have seized my heart.

Compared to that, I found, those obsessive whiny thoughts from my inner child couldn't even be heard. In fact, I found myself getting irritated whenever I slipped into self-destructive life- and time-wasting. There were people to help, turtles to save, books to write, health to be gained. Who dared interrupt that good and useful work with "Ohhhh, poor meeeeeee he doesn't loovvvvve meeeeeee" ??? What did it MATTER what he thought and did?

Sounds terrible, I'm sure. But it's not denial: I gave my inner kid plenty of time, love, and tenderness (years), and when I realized she was never going to stop whining, I finally said "Enough. I have to get on with my life now. I can't live in the past any more. You can come with me but you're going to have to stop the whining." Strangely, she smiled and shut up then.

Dreams are much bigger than how one of 7 billion people might feel about you. Surround yourself with loving, supportive people who admire your courage and spirit. You have so MUCH to admire...we all admire you!

Hugs,
GL

HKAngel24

THANK YOU!!!

I know I've mentioned it before, but my self-esteem issues are much deeper than being involved with an addict. There is this feeling of being unfit for life.

I am reading a book by Nathaniel Branden
(not sure the spelling is correct, but oh well...) and I transcribed a paragraph that I feel explains how I feel -- NOT an excuse for my inaction or "pushing past" these deeply ingrained beliefs-- but something that made me step back and be like - what am I really seeking/what am i motivated by??

"Feeling confident of the ability to deal with the challenges of life, the individual will desire and effortful, stimulating, creative existence. Feeling confident of his or her own value, the individual will be drawn to good self-esteem in others; what he or she will desire most in human relationships is the opportunity to feel admiration. In the spheres of both work and human relationships, the indivdual acts from a firm base of security of efficacy-and as a consquence, a love for the fact of being alive. The person with poor self-esteem acts out of fear rather than confidence. Not to live, but to escape the anxiety of living, becomes the fundamental goal. Not creativeness, but safety, becomes the ruling desire."

I firmly believe once I can "give myself permission" to get past this fear that I am unfit for reality. It's that darn inner critic who I wrestle alot now- sometimes just ignore, but is still there that pipes up at the top of its lungs whenever dreams or sparks of belief in myself occur.

I know now that all this resistance is my disease. My mind is very sick and this is what keeps me stuck.
So in terms of "Dreams" or missions - I have a few, but am so frightened by the future that I have really been trying to practice one day at a time (as much as I can- sometimes I rob myself of today because I am fretting about the future and my inability to handle it.)

A group of supportive individuals? My Al-Anon groups. I went to one today during my lunch break. Sometimes I feel so horrible I just have to mechanically get my butt up from where I am, swallow the throbbing lump in my throat and just MOVE. So I got there today and in that room I am allowed to feel my feelings. After I leave, these f-ed up rules seem to come back.

Thank you as always for the wisdom.

HKAngel24

THANK YOU!! I want to print this out and post it next to my computer. Reading this really made me take it in- really validated everything I've been through.
It's so hard for my family or friends to understand. Here and in my Al-Anon groups are people who truly understand the deapths of that pain and how the disease infects us. I don't mean to try to dramatize my pain because I KNOW there are many, many individuals who have endured greater hardships than I and I don't want to be whiny.
I went through hell with this whole thing and the mistrust is inevitable, right? I am NOT in recovery or being true to myself if I am suppressing this because all it ends up doing is erupting and bubbling up as resentment and there is no love in this, only harm and shamefully sometimes vengence.

So, this leads me to see that I need to take care of me in that situation and touch upon those feelings. Seems when I bring them up, he gets irritated since we've had this talk before, so I dishonor those feelings because I can't handle the confrontation and the damage it may do to my self-esteem. Sad, but true. And because so much of that anger hasn't been explored or sorted through at all- I don't know how to communicate it directly, but not saying it in the defensive way I seem to act, think and feel.

Thank you for saying those kind words. I am trying to accept my inner child who has so much to say keeps begging me to stop disowning her and neglecting her messages that I am not taking care of myself with other people.

I know I AM making things too complicated.