What do you do to "ground" yourself?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
What do you do to "ground" yourself?
Thought I'd start a sharing thread regarding how each of us cope with our codie slips.
I had an ENTIRE week of slipping and not even KNOWING it.
During abf's visit I was uptight, distrustful, insecure, needy and incredibly overanalytical and hyper sensitive.
Again I feel I am all tangled back up in his stuff- I know that if I work the program I can detangle myself. But what are some "Recovery" thoughts/behaviors that you practice after a slip. Once again I am back to feeling that my life is meaningless, I need his validation and I have to worry and obsess about his recovery and his feelings for me.
I feel I am back at square one and I'm mad at myself for this.
What works for you?
I had an ENTIRE week of slipping and not even KNOWING it.
During abf's visit I was uptight, distrustful, insecure, needy and incredibly overanalytical and hyper sensitive.
Again I feel I am all tangled back up in his stuff- I know that if I work the program I can detangle myself. But what are some "Recovery" thoughts/behaviors that you practice after a slip. Once again I am back to feeling that my life is meaningless, I need his validation and I have to worry and obsess about his recovery and his feelings for me.
I feel I am back at square one and I'm mad at myself for this.
What works for you?
A work in progress....
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: FREE!!!! Somewhere in the Tennessee Mountains
Posts: 1,018
What works for me is letting myself feel the feelings, journaling about them, and then letting them go-and most importantly letting myself off the hook for slipping. And then I just start putting one foot in front of the other again.
((((hugs))))
((((hugs))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: East Tawas, MI
Posts: 3,683
I agree with Duet. I do basically the same. I try to be happy each day and not allow myself too linger to long in the poor mes. Also not seeing my daughter helps me to stay focused on me. But since she has been contacting me lately, it has been a bit harder. Hugs, Marle
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Heather, there are many tools to help get back on track. I have learned that obsessing is an escape from admitting I am powerless over a person or persons, places and things. Obsessing allows me to mess up my own mind with any number of thoughts as well as to escape reality.
The first three steps of the program can be worked at any time on a daily basis.
The first one I am powerless over alcohol ( people... places and things) and my life has become unmanageable.
This step is a reality check and an honest admission that *I* am responsible for myself and I make my life unmanageable. It's not due to or because of any person, place or thing.
The first three steps of the program can be worked at any time on a daily basis.
The first one I am powerless over alcohol ( people... places and things) and my life has become unmanageable.
This step is a reality check and an honest admission that *I* am responsible for myself and I make my life unmanageable. It's not due to or because of any person, place or thing.
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
HKAngel24,
How coincidental is this topic you posted!
As some of you already know, my oldest AS relapsed this week,
and is most likely headed back to the BIG HOUSE.
Anyway, for a brief moment this week, I lost my serenity!
Briefly, I fell back to the "Old" Pre-recovery me....fretting, worrying, stinking thinking... but the best part is...it didn't last.
I started with the Serenity Prayer, added Step #1, and and "Let Go, Let God, and I was on a roll.
Then lo and behold I go to my meeting tonight and the topic was "Serenity"
I think sometimes, we just think too much
How coincidental is this topic you posted!
As some of you already know, my oldest AS relapsed this week,
and is most likely headed back to the BIG HOUSE.
Anyway, for a brief moment this week, I lost my serenity!
Briefly, I fell back to the "Old" Pre-recovery me....fretting, worrying, stinking thinking... but the best part is...it didn't last.
I started with the Serenity Prayer, added Step #1, and and "Let Go, Let God, and I was on a roll.
Then lo and behold I go to my meeting tonight and the topic was "Serenity"
I think sometimes, we just think too much
Living in the light
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Sweet Home Serenity
Posts: 706
Another thing that helped me immensely in early recovery was having a sponsor.
I easily got derailed as most do in early recovery. I could call her and tell her all I was experiencing and she gently helped me try to get back on track. Attending meetings helped ground me. Saying the serenity prayer always helps.
The good thing about slips is they are opportunities to learn and grow. Please don't be mad at yourself. Recovery is a process and sometimes it's one step forward and three steps back.
I easily got derailed as most do in early recovery. I could call her and tell her all I was experiencing and she gently helped me try to get back on track. Attending meetings helped ground me. Saying the serenity prayer always helps.
The good thing about slips is they are opportunities to learn and grow. Please don't be mad at yourself. Recovery is a process and sometimes it's one step forward and three steps back.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i know when i'm starting to slip because my heart and mind are at odds. my heart is telling me one thing, but my head is arguing with my heart. it makes me anxious and feeling real yucky.
so that's how i know i am slipping. that is when i put my pre-planned agenda into action. i listen to my mind. because listening to my heart always leads to my misery with the a in my life.
i work double hard at focusing on myself and detaching from his chaos and his problems. his chaos and problems never change. but i can change.
i can pamper myself my preparing a great soup, cleaning house, avoiding contact with him, looking in the mirror and saying outloud to myself......get yer arse in action woman, cause you know what is comin if you don't.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES WITH HIS PROBLEMS.......i have to accept that.
i write a gratitude list, and my gratitude list can change many times during the day.
i pamper myself with care.....i take care of myself like i am my own child.....if that makes any sense at all.
i call people on my list from al-anon, i go to meetings and get refueled.
i sit and meditate on my own serenity and how far i've come. i never knew serenity before.....it is so precious to me know.....i guard it like a splendid treasure that i have discovered in a beautiful treasure chest in some exotic place. i am greedy about my serenity, so it is very easy to avoid the things in my life that threaten my serenity. i can say no without guilt, i can turn off the ringer on my cell phone without guilt, i can tell people that drop in unexpectadly that it is not a good time for a visit for i have other plans without feeling guilty. i can not answer my door without feeling guilty.
it is so wonderful to be selfish that way. i really don't consider it selfish....it is simply doing what i want to do for the first time in my life.
these are things that work for me. take what you like and leave the rest. i hope you can find some things in this post that will inspire you somehow.
big hugs to you
jeri
so that's how i know i am slipping. that is when i put my pre-planned agenda into action. i listen to my mind. because listening to my heart always leads to my misery with the a in my life.
i work double hard at focusing on myself and detaching from his chaos and his problems. his chaos and problems never change. but i can change.
i can pamper myself my preparing a great soup, cleaning house, avoiding contact with him, looking in the mirror and saying outloud to myself......get yer arse in action woman, cause you know what is comin if you don't.
NOTHING EVER CHANGES WITH HIS PROBLEMS.......i have to accept that.
i write a gratitude list, and my gratitude list can change many times during the day.
i pamper myself with care.....i take care of myself like i am my own child.....if that makes any sense at all.
i call people on my list from al-anon, i go to meetings and get refueled.
i sit and meditate on my own serenity and how far i've come. i never knew serenity before.....it is so precious to me know.....i guard it like a splendid treasure that i have discovered in a beautiful treasure chest in some exotic place. i am greedy about my serenity, so it is very easy to avoid the things in my life that threaten my serenity. i can say no without guilt, i can turn off the ringer on my cell phone without guilt, i can tell people that drop in unexpectadly that it is not a good time for a visit for i have other plans without feeling guilty. i can not answer my door without feeling guilty.
it is so wonderful to be selfish that way. i really don't consider it selfish....it is simply doing what i want to do for the first time in my life.
these are things that work for me. take what you like and leave the rest. i hope you can find some things in this post that will inspire you somehow.
big hugs to you
jeri
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Posts: 471
When I feel myself slipping (slipping is a delicate word ~ I go straight to landslide!) I run, don't walk, to connect with my HP.
In my journey, I have printed or written down prayers and Bible passages that spoke to my heart. I read those and can physically feel the tension ooze out of my body. Then I read some of the posts yoou guys have sent me that I printed out which touched my heart and helped me find my way. Finally, I read my old notes and journals to remind myself of how far I've come.
Usually after that quiet, positive time, I'm back on track. If I'm still not, I go right to the dark chocolate!
In my journey, I have printed or written down prayers and Bible passages that spoke to my heart. I read those and can physically feel the tension ooze out of my body. Then I read some of the posts yoou guys have sent me that I printed out which touched my heart and helped me find my way. Finally, I read my old notes and journals to remind myself of how far I've come.
Usually after that quiet, positive time, I'm back on track. If I'm still not, I go right to the dark chocolate!
Sweet Christmas secrets
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: ALASKA
Posts: 119
My mantra...
I can't ( step one)
HE can ( step two)
I'll let HIM ( step three)
I read my Ala-non One Day at a Time
I read my scriptures.
I play with my poodles and shut out the world. I find it very hard to feel self pity or feel like I am worthless when sitting on the floor being licked to death by 4 poodles!
Puppy love makes it all better!
I can't ( step one)
HE can ( step two)
I'll let HIM ( step three)
I read my Ala-non One Day at a Time
I read my scriptures.
I play with my poodles and shut out the world. I find it very hard to feel self pity or feel like I am worthless when sitting on the floor being licked to death by 4 poodles!
Puppy love makes it all better!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
heather....there were days when nothing i tried to do worked to bring me up out of the slippery slope. on those days, i had a plan. my golden rule was not to reach out to him in any way. period. out of the question. not in my schedule. swore on my kids lives that no matter, i would not reach out. then i would just let myself feel all that i was feeling, roll up in bed and just waller in my misery.
for me, that was progress, simply because i didn't reach out to him and start it all over again. so i would wallow around like a wounded animal and be just as miserable as i could possibly be. usually, that meant isolating myself, getting lots of pillows, a down comforter and piling up on the couch, with the tv on, and kinda go into a semi-snooze state. i did it till i didn't want to do it anymore.
and i felt elated after my "spell" was over because.......I DID NOT REACH OUT TO HIM. that was real progress for me in the beginning.
after doing that for awhile, things just progressed to doing some of the things i listed in my earlier post. it's all a process for me. little baby steps.
my serenity didn't happen overnight....it came very hard earned, for i was one that just kept sticking my hand back into the fire.
it has taken me four years to find my serenity, peace, and joy. i reckon i'm a slow learner, but in the end, it was all worth it.
big ole lovin hugs to you
jeri
for me, that was progress, simply because i didn't reach out to him and start it all over again. so i would wallow around like a wounded animal and be just as miserable as i could possibly be. usually, that meant isolating myself, getting lots of pillows, a down comforter and piling up on the couch, with the tv on, and kinda go into a semi-snooze state. i did it till i didn't want to do it anymore.
and i felt elated after my "spell" was over because.......I DID NOT REACH OUT TO HIM. that was real progress for me in the beginning.
after doing that for awhile, things just progressed to doing some of the things i listed in my earlier post. it's all a process for me. little baby steps.
my serenity didn't happen overnight....it came very hard earned, for i was one that just kept sticking my hand back into the fire.
it has taken me four years to find my serenity, peace, and joy. i reckon i'm a slow learner, but in the end, it was all worth it.
big ole lovin hugs to you
jeri
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
Embraced --
Your plan for not reaching out to him is amazing.
In my short-lived week of sort-of serenity I made it a point to- everytime I felt needy or if I started worrying about him or feeling I needed that validation - I stopped and knew that if I dealt with it myself- I would be stronger.
I hate how it can evaporate instantly.
For me my crazy days are still more frequent than my sane days and I get discouraged that I cannot just automatically love myself well and feel great to be me. I feel I've tried so many times to keep the focus on me, but have failed. Sometimes I do succeed but I am not sure exactly what the conditions are those times versus the times I don't.
Your plan for not reaching out to him is amazing.
In my short-lived week of sort-of serenity I made it a point to- everytime I felt needy or if I started worrying about him or feeling I needed that validation - I stopped and knew that if I dealt with it myself- I would be stronger.
I hate how it can evaporate instantly.
For me my crazy days are still more frequent than my sane days and I get discouraged that I cannot just automatically love myself well and feel great to be me. I feel I've tried so many times to keep the focus on me, but have failed. Sometimes I do succeed but I am not sure exactly what the conditions are those times versus the times I don't.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
heather.....it takes time and practice. the bad days were very intense for me, and i always made a gratitude list in my head after the bad days passed....for instance....i would say....i am grateful that i have a new day to practice my new skills. i may not execute them perfectly, but i know that i want to try very hard. i am grateful that i did not reach out and make contact. i am grateful that god gave me this new day tolearn some more aabout myself.
the good news is, that before you know it, the bad days come fewer and further between, and pretty soon, there are more good days than the bad days.....i mean, hells fire, it was pretty awful with him, wasn't it?
i felt trapped......i was miserable with him, and more miserable without him. but i knew for certain that i could not continue in the relationship, or i would just become invisible. i was isolated from family and friends, i felt like a wounded animal that needed to find a dark cave and just lay down and sleep for a long time.
pretty soon, i started little things to break that mindset.....with the help of my friends and al-anon. i swear, i had friends that came over, drug me out of bed, gave me lists of things to do for the day. they took turns kinda babysitting me. i thought i was just going to die without him in my life.....and i know i would have become absolutely nothing if i had him in my life. my friends would have simple lists....take a bath, walk three times around the property before you start to work, put a load of clothes in the washer, water the plants outdoors.
i didn't want to do any of it. but i did, because i trusted and loved my friends. and they told me if i didn't cooperate, they were going to take me to the round house.
it just takes time. the hurt will heal. and while it is healing, you will learn the most amazing things about yourself. at least i did, because of al-anon.
well, i've rambled long enough.
big hugs to you, sweety.....and just hang in there. you have made your decision to not be involved in a relationship that you were not honored, respected or had real love shared with you. they are not capable while they are still active in their addiction. when you look at him, remember that you are looking at the addiction that is trying to survive at all costs. everything my xh did was driven by intense desire to let his addiction live. i was not match for his mistress....the sensual, devoted, determined, alluring, and powerful mistress of addiction, there was no way to fight her and win. she had my man.
i'll stop now....really...lol
jeri
the good news is, that before you know it, the bad days come fewer and further between, and pretty soon, there are more good days than the bad days.....i mean, hells fire, it was pretty awful with him, wasn't it?
i felt trapped......i was miserable with him, and more miserable without him. but i knew for certain that i could not continue in the relationship, or i would just become invisible. i was isolated from family and friends, i felt like a wounded animal that needed to find a dark cave and just lay down and sleep for a long time.
pretty soon, i started little things to break that mindset.....with the help of my friends and al-anon. i swear, i had friends that came over, drug me out of bed, gave me lists of things to do for the day. they took turns kinda babysitting me. i thought i was just going to die without him in my life.....and i know i would have become absolutely nothing if i had him in my life. my friends would have simple lists....take a bath, walk three times around the property before you start to work, put a load of clothes in the washer, water the plants outdoors.
i didn't want to do any of it. but i did, because i trusted and loved my friends. and they told me if i didn't cooperate, they were going to take me to the round house.
it just takes time. the hurt will heal. and while it is healing, you will learn the most amazing things about yourself. at least i did, because of al-anon.
well, i've rambled long enough.
big hugs to you, sweety.....and just hang in there. you have made your decision to not be involved in a relationship that you were not honored, respected or had real love shared with you. they are not capable while they are still active in their addiction. when you look at him, remember that you are looking at the addiction that is trying to survive at all costs. everything my xh did was driven by intense desire to let his addiction live. i was not match for his mistress....the sensual, devoted, determined, alluring, and powerful mistress of addiction, there was no way to fight her and win. she had my man.
i'll stop now....really...lol
jeri
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 472
Glad to know I am not the only one who "slips" seems more often because of AH new problems-but they are his. They will stay his! Life seems so peaceful when I do not hear about him or see him. I am getting better at it. Dogs and I are still tearing the house apart-I clean-they tear apart. Yard work also will keep me busy-we are all going to have a digging party. Trees, flowers, etc. are going to new homes. New tenants are moving into rent house-seem to be almost perfect!!!!!! No drugs-have jobs and two adorable kids and a new dog in the nieghborhood. If I stay busy-I do well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 46
Hey Heather. Good to hear from you-sorry you feel so out of sorts this week. When I used to find myself obsessing over his behavior or becoming ridiculously upset about something he said or did I would pretty much hole up in my house with a bottle of wine and cry about how unfair it all was. I'm starting to realize that my pity parties don't help anyone.
Although he is doing well in his recovery and not using, sometimes those narcissistic "addict-behaviors" still pop up and I find myself panicking, and my emotions start going crazy. Now when that happens, I just try and remove myself from the situation. I take the puppy out for a long walk or go shopping and chat with the sales people about the new colors this season. Basically, I do things to remind myself that regardless of what is going on with him, the world is still going on around me. It's hard for me not to get totally wrapped up and isolated in my own emotions and sometimes it helps to just force myself into normal situations so I can remember that the fate of the world and my life does not depend on how he is doing that day. It hasn't been easy for me to do and I'm not always successful but sometimes that reality check is exactly what I need to remind myself that this is his battle to fight and although I've chosen to stand by him, I cannot control how well he is doing.
I know you miss him but I'm glad to hear he's still in Florida-hope to hear from you soon.
Although he is doing well in his recovery and not using, sometimes those narcissistic "addict-behaviors" still pop up and I find myself panicking, and my emotions start going crazy. Now when that happens, I just try and remove myself from the situation. I take the puppy out for a long walk or go shopping and chat with the sales people about the new colors this season. Basically, I do things to remind myself that regardless of what is going on with him, the world is still going on around me. It's hard for me not to get totally wrapped up and isolated in my own emotions and sometimes it helps to just force myself into normal situations so I can remember that the fate of the world and my life does not depend on how he is doing that day. It hasn't been easy for me to do and I'm not always successful but sometimes that reality check is exactly what I need to remind myself that this is his battle to fight and although I've chosen to stand by him, I cannot control how well he is doing.
I know you miss him but I'm glad to hear he's still in Florida-hope to hear from you soon.
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