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Going To Drive Him

Old 08-01-2007, 02:17 PM
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rozied
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Going To Drive Him

My AS wound up getting my parents address. He is getting out of wk release Friday. He has to go & get some help with food from public assistance. He is going to take a bus to the office but needs my help to get home. I am going to do it & my husband is not happy about it. In fact he is giving me a hard time. I feel I know my limits with my own son, & I am not giving him any money nor have I let him use my address. I don't think my hubby understands how much I miss my son & want to see him.

Diane
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:22 PM
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my husband and i do not always agree on how we handle things with our daughter. everyone has a right to do what they can manage?

blessings, k
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:28 PM
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Thats the beauty of this program...determining our own limits.
You do what you need to do (((Diane)))
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:30 PM
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I agree, do what you are comfortable with--I learned that here!
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:33 PM
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I understand completely. We see our sons so little that I know even a short visit in the car while providng a ride will be good for you and him too. When my son is trying I don't punish him with refusing help when it is something I want to do. I will do a favor now and then just like I would if he wasn't an addict.That's what families do for one another. Hopefully your spouse will understand and not be another source of frustration. Maybe he can be happy that you get to see your son. If not, oh well.
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:42 PM
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Diane, I know how you feel. It was nice to hear my daughter's voice, but it was also nice to say good-by. Talking to an addict is like running in a circle. I am sure you will be happy to see him and probably just as happy to tell him bye Hugs, Marle
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:45 PM
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OH , THANK YOU !!!

I again have ANOTHER reason to be thankful for this group. My hubby told me to post it & see what the group had to say. You are so right Spiritual Seeker, I see him so little........my time with him is precious to me.

I am going to let my hubby read the answers to my post.
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Old 08-01-2007, 02:46 PM
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Marle, You r probably right about being glad to tell him so long when our visit ends.............they can be so frustrating.
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Old 08-01-2007, 03:32 PM
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Diane,
Do what you need to do for you. But remember to stick to your boundries. If he isn't staying with you and your not giving him money or anything else you will not be enabling him much. I would stick to no money etc, but maybe a ride once in a great while wouldn't be to bad, this way you see him for a short time and then say bye.
Take care of you
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Old 08-01-2007, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by Spritual Seeker View Post
I understand completely. We see our sons so little that I know even a short visit in the car while providng a ride will be good for you and him too. When my son is trying I don't punish him with refusing help when it is something I want to do. I will do a favor now and then just like I would if he wasn't an addict.That's what families do for one another. Hopefully your spouse will understand and not be another source of frustration. Maybe he can be happy that you get to see your son. If not, oh well.
I appreciate this response.

My youngest is 26 and has been in and out (mostly in) jail since he was 17. It's like I hardly know him any more. We went to visit him 2 wks ago where he got to hold his now 2yr old daughter for the first time. I don't punish him, he's been punished enough. He's paying for his crimes.
The very few times I have visited him have been good for me. At least I know he's fed.
The oldest is another story. HE tries so hard but falls down. Now he's paying too.
You just do what you are comfortable with and all will be well with you.
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Old 08-01-2007, 04:34 PM
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You have to do what you want to do, perhaps this will give you some peace.

For my part, I agree with your hubby, you now have effectively put yourself back in the loop. You have opened the door yet again.

I sincerely hope you can stick to your other bounderies.

Take care my friend,
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Old 08-01-2007, 05:26 PM
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Rozied,
I do alot of things with and for my son now that he is out on his own. They are things that he would be doing anyway. We will have a cup of coffee or see a movie, or just take a drive. These are things that I do with my other adult children.
I am careful to not let him take advantage of me in any way, and he hasn't. If he does cross a line- I know what to do.
In our family we are moving towards having healthy relationships with each other- part of that involves 'give' and 'take' in a non-codependent way.
Several weeks ago I drove my son to a training program for his job. If I hadn't he would have misssed it because the bus doesn't come early enough for him to get there. When he asked for the ride, he offered to take the bus and train home.
We had about two hours between our breakfast and his meeting and enjoyed taking a walk at a nature reserve. I joked with him that I was 'slipping' in my program and needed some 'mommy' time with him. He recognizes the pain I have been through because of his addiction and respected my desire to have time together-just for fun. That day was one I am so grateful for.
With him clean and moving forward with life- I will support him whenever I can.
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Old 08-01-2007, 05:59 PM
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If you're going to do this, I hope you have your boundaries set in concrete. I know I can be real tough when not around the addict, but whoa, things can change in a heartbeat when I hear the voice or see them.

I know I have to check my boundaries, Rozied, and know exactly where they are drawn before I do anything that might put ME in jeopardy.

Hugs,
Hangin' In
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Old 08-01-2007, 06:05 PM
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i too know how u feel when you say u want(need) to spend some time with your son. i do not do anything for my a.s. that i do not want to do. i am not forced to do it, i do it because i want to.there are times that i really enjoy it & there are times when i am so ready to go home. my husband has learned that no matter what he says or thinks i am going to do it. when he is in prison i go to see him for ME, not him.i hope you have a good visit. i hope your son continues to do good. hugs & prayers,
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Old 08-01-2007, 08:19 PM
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Diane, I've always found that if I have awareness, I have to follow what I can live with. For me as a mom, that would mean contact when I could if it was a situation where my child was trying and I was not being pulled into something that pierced my boundaries. That's just me...I completely understand that there are others who can only stay strong without their addicts in their lives unless/until they have been able to prove that they have sober time under their belt and a strong program. I don't have expereince with living a long time with addiction and if I did, I think I might need that too to save my sanity. I suspect if I were in your shoes I would do this too because I missed my child. And as Marle said, enjoy the moment but enjoy that it isn't all the time too. Hugs
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Old 08-01-2007, 10:14 PM
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lol... I've been married for only one year, and I can already say that my husband and I don't agree on everything

Your husband is probably just trying to be protective... but I see nothing wrong with you picking him up once he is out of work release, as long as your expectations of this encounter are realistic. Just try to open yourself up to hurt as little as possible...

*hugs and prayers*
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Old 08-02-2007, 09:57 AM
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I spoke to my ex husband about this ( he is my sons biological father & has been an addict most of his life. He has been clean for 5 yrs now ) he told me not to have any contact with him whatsoever until he was in a program with a sponsor. He said the reason my AS is angry with him is cuz he sees through him. He told me AS told him in confidence that Friday nite he wanted to have a fews beers & that he had a date. My ex said if he was serious about his recovery he would not be doing this. I am going to have to tell my AS not to call me anymore etc etc until he is in a program. I KNOW my ex is right about this. With his background he knows better than I do.
Now I am going to have to speak to my AS & tell him..............I dread it but I believe its something I must do if AS is ever going to get into recovery.
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:11 AM
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Sounds like the ex is doing well in his recovery and knows how to help the son. Makes it easier for you!!
susan
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Old 08-02-2007, 10:21 AM
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Diane,
I am glad you are in contact with your ex. He knows the game addicts play better then we do, since he is a recovering addict. Good luck with this, please take care of yourself. We worry about you, codie in us.
Hugs
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Old 08-02-2007, 12:08 PM
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Hi Pam & Susan, Thanks for caring & for the support. You know I even called my ex MIL cuz she cut her son ( my ex ) loose & it took him 12 yrs after that, but shes 1 strong lady & told me not only to cut him loose but to call his parole officer & tell him what he plans to do. I told her I'd think about going that far. Don't know if I I want to do that. It would certainly help my browbeaten parents.
My hubby called the phone co to get caller id cuz I dread my AS calling.
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