A Penny for Your Thoughts #17
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Wanna know what's messed up? It should hurt more when we call ourselves an idiot, because we're not supposed to care what others think about us.........but it doesn't LOL. It hurts worse when someone else thinks I am.
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids 
Loves, how do you get the strength to not go back when shank would call crying and professing love
That took a while. To be honest with you I took him back countless times. But.....each time got a little easier for me to say no. Each time he would be gone, although lonley, I somehow found peace in the fact he wasn't here.
When I got home everyday I knew I wouldn't have to worry about what kind of mood he would be in.........would there be a fight..........Would he have done anything to help around the house.........would he even be here. I really loved not having to worry so much. The mood in the house was what I made it ya know?
The only worry I ever had was money and I'll tell you something Cindi........I figured I'd always have that worry with or without him.
How can we expect to find the joy life has in store for us when all we can do.........and I'm being brutally honest here.......is obsess about them. I never did it intentionally, but I did it. When you're in constant worry about what to expect from them you're freaking miserable.
We were engaged at one point. I loved the idea of being married. It's what women my age are supposed to be right? That is so wrong. No one can complete us but us. Marriage is just a status anymore. I've known couples who have never been married and are the happiest couple in the world. That's not to say I don't believe in the sanctity of marriage because I do. I just don't think that piece of paper makes us better in the eyes of the world..........and that piece of paper certainly doesn't protect us from being miserable, beat down or deprived of love.
I'm glad I never married him. That made it easier I suppose, but really ..........it shouldn't matter.
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Totally OT, but I just pulled 11 (!) large tomatoes from my garden and 2 foot-long zucchinis!! The overabundance of rain we've gotten here in Texas is bad in a lot of ways, but it was good for my garden!! Usually by this time of year it's just about burnt to a crisp!!
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Another thing Cindi. Try and think back to every other time he does it to you.........the love profession I mean. Think about what the end result usually is and how the pain never really gets any better. By the 10th time i was so ashamed. By the 10th time I could no longer blame him for the way I felt because I had done it all myself because I knew better.
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Are you sure it's not the whole being alone thing?? I was scared to death.....not so much of being alone, but more of having to start over. That freaked the hell out of me. The thought that eventually I'd have to pick myself up and go on that first date...........Oh Lord!! It was so much easier to slip back and deal with the BS I knew so well. Although not safe and not healthy............it was safe if you know what I mean.
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I just told him when he called I thought we brought out the worst in each other and needed to stay away from each other, and the dumb butt said well can we hang out at the beach today. WTF?
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
I just told him when he called I thought we brought out the worst in each other and needed to stay away from each other, and the dumb butt said well can we hang out at the beach today. WTF?
Cindi........he knows your weaknesses. If you would hang out with him, he could turn on the charm, be the perfect father and show you a little somethin somethin. Then.............and I know.........honey I've done it sooooooo many times. You even for an instant start to look at him with a love filled heart..........it feels so warm and inviting too doesn't it?? I know it does. I'm remembering back to that feeling.........it's a hard one to resist.
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I spoke to that guy I was telling you about this am, it makes it easier, but I dont want to bounce from one to another again. There's so much about me I have to get through. Maybe Im stuck on hearing I love you
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
I have plans and said no
Good for you. He's just going to have to understand. I'll tell you. After a while.......the professions of love don't mean squat without the actions to back them up with. Eventually it's just words.
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bouncing from one to another has never worked for me, temporarily yes got me out of the hurt from the last one, but ALWAYS only temporary and then there I'd be. . .with ME!!!!!
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Originally Posted by cinderellawkids
There's so much about me I have to get through. Maybe Im stuck on hearing I love you
Remember.........they're just words honey. Nothing means anything honestly without the actions to back them up. I can take the meanest, ugliest guy off the street, pull him over, look at him and say "I love you". It's easy........too easy IMO. What is difficult is truly showing someone you mean what you say. My ex would tell me he loved me more than his life after beating the crap out of me. See my point?
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