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its over....at least today is over

Old 06-14-2007, 01:34 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
'Round and 'Round I Go....
 
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It's never easy and always sad when it gets to this point because all the while we only want them to get well and fight for what they have. You are very strong for having come this far. I know how difficult it can be.
You can't go by other ah's...addicts don't work on a schedule of when they're going to go into recovery. I suffered my exah's addiction for 3 - 3 1/2 years in marriage and even after that he didn't go into recovery. You never can tell. Only now did he enter himself into Intensive outpatient rehab and even this is no guarantee for long term recovery.
You have to do what is best for you now and just see where the chips fall later.
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Old 06-14-2007, 01:36 PM
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((((DW))))
Hang in there...you are really showing strength, and someday your daughter will remember that. Look at the other option, in that had you not taken steps toward change, your daughter would have remembered a Mom who would take it in the chin, regardless of how rotten the behavior.

Maybe you could sit and explain that you gave him choices, because of the need to keep the family safe and happy, and he's not making good ones right now, and that like all of us here, there's always hope that he will begin to make better choices.

Perhaps she would understand too that one of the reasons its good for her to meet with him at her grams is so he doesn't get himself in more trouble, such as emailing and talking to her when he's not allowed.
This doesn't have to be forever...but it has to be for now. You may want to curb the conversations with the friend regarding what he says...it just keeps you in the game.
I know how hard this is...
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:16 PM
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i might be showing strength but.....

i feel horrible inside..i didnt want it to come to this..i rather he had gotten caught or lost his job or something else pushed him against the wall...i hate that we have to go to court back and forth and back and forth..i think its hard because if it happened another way, he couldnt blame me...or my kids couldnt blame me, or his family couldnt blame me... i know im not to blame, but they arent seeing it that way.
why do fell like the bad guy?

also, what if this is his bottom and he does stop using..how would i know becaue there is no contact between us...can i ever adjust the RO to say that there can be limited phone contact??? as i am writing this i am thinking to myself i really have a deep rooted problem..i cannot let go... i just cant...i cant start only thinking of myself and my kids....how do undo your thinking??? meetings, therapy??? keep reading co-dependant no more???
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:23 PM
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meetings and therapy help.
My boss and I just had a long talk about bottoms and one things for sure, they dont hit bottom in denial. He's too focused on pointing the blame, and its not your fault he got "rough" with you and you stood up for yourself and your kids. Never feel sorry about that. My only opinion though is it would have been better to stay in the RO court, so that its on record. Violence doesnt end, it progresses to even if different people are involved
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:30 PM
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thanks

my lawyer wanted to move it to civil court so that i would get the financial support i need..Just an ro does not fully protect you..there are alot of things you can add once it is in the civil court...
also, i didnt want him getting arrested or getting in trouble with his job, because frankly, i cant support me and my kids on what i make.. i know eventually he may loose his job, but it could also be a while before that happens.

thanks for the advice and support.
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:38 PM
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Thats where states and even countys differ, cause where Im at finances can get pull in specifically with RO, and Ive never seen one effect a person's job in any field in this county, except where extreme violence occurred, and even then its illegal to fire for non work performance
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Old 06-14-2007, 02:45 PM
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Wish I could be there to give you a hug, but I'm sending prayers and good thoughts! You're doing great ~ hang in there.
As for your daughter, I was reluctant to tell my kids (12 & 14) about their dad's drug problem. Two seperate counsellors advised me to be honest with them, as kids tend to know more than we give them credit for. Turns out one of my son's friends had already said something to my son regarding AH's family history of drug use. My son ignored the kid, but I got cold chills thinking that the kids may have heard it from someone else. I live in a small town where everyone knows everyone else's business, so maybe this couldn't happen to your daughter, but be cautious.
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Old 06-14-2007, 04:59 PM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by drainedwife View Post
as i am writing this i am thinking to myself i really have a deep rooted problem..i cannot let go... i just cant...i cant start only thinking of myself and my kids....how do undo your thinking??? meetings, therapy??? keep reading co-dependant no more???
Well, I understand the not being able to let go thing. It is very hard. It took us all a long time to learn to be the way we are and to do things the way we do and it takes a while to learn how to re-evaluate and adjust to looking at things a different way, and then reacting a new way.
All of those things you listed would be very good things to do.

Reading the book you mentioned helped me LOTS!!!!
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Old 06-14-2007, 06:55 PM
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Glad things went OK today. I don't think he hit rock bottom, he wouldn't be blaming you for everything.

Be strong -
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Old 06-14-2007, 08:50 PM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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Try to keep your mind away from things that have not happened yet...for today he is not better and you are doing what you have to do for today. If the day comes and he gets better you will know and then you can look at it.

You mentioned that you wished he had been picked up or done something on his own so he could not blame you...I went through the same feelings, just didnt want to be the one to stir the pot for the fear of getting blamed...

Let me tell you....my husband robbed 3 stores...it had nothing to do with me...guess what he turned it around and blamed me for it...Excuse...I was so hurt that you would not let me come home that I had to do more dope to cover the hurt, when I ran out I need more and you would not give me any money so I had to rob a store, had you just given me the money I would have never done it...

Now with you reading this you must think ya right, my fault...I didn't... I took what he said and felt guilt and responsible for some of it...he just knew how to manipulate me and get to me...how nuts was that, but I know it is for the best for me to stay away from him because I don't trust that he could still be able to manilpulate...

I know you feel for your daughter, but you are only doing what is best and safe for her...you are being a resonsible caring mom.

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Old 06-14-2007, 09:09 PM
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Originally Posted by rose View Post

Try to keep your mind away from things that have not happened yet...for today he is not better and you are doing what you have to do for today. If the day comes and he gets better you will know and then you can look at it.

I know you feel for your daughter, but you are only doing what is best and safe for her...you are being a resonsible caring mom.

Rose
ROSE You are so wise! I just want to say that I agree with everything Rose said...

A person can drive themselves crazy trying to anticipate the future..I know it's hard not to do, though!

Someday, MAYBE, your husband will thank you for this....it might turn out to be the beginning of a series of events that may make him realize that he needs help.

((((drained))))
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Old 06-15-2007, 05:57 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Sorry I did not get on last night..
an ISP is Internet Service Provider.

I am sorry for your pain.. and for the pain your daughter is feeling. Rose is right. No matter what he did to create his own situation, he will ultimately blame you or someone else.

My XABF blames me for the loss of his job. Oh yeah.. this was ALL my fault. Had nothing to do with him lying, padding his time card and getting caught and then CONTINUING to pad his time card and CONTINUING to get caught. Had nothing to do with all the time off he took. Nope. It was MY FAULT because I got talking to his co worker AFTER he got laid off... and his co worker and I compared notes.

He also blames me because we didn't "click." Nothing to do with his drug use or cheating or lying or any of the rest. No no.. all my fault.

I went thru the thinking of him all the time. I went to meetings and got thru to the other side. Not a day goes by when I don't think of him still, but it is more of a sad passing glance in my day. I truly enjoyed his sense of humor and his interest in news and National matters. I loved him very much and thought we would be together for the rest of our lives.

A fine idea but both ppl have to on board for it, both ppl have to be honest in the relationship and both ppl need to be willing to openly discuss problems if they are having them.

I so understand where you are, but with him gone it was either live for me or die in a puddle of self pity and green slime like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz.....
You have two wonderful children and you, and they, deserve to be happy. Start by getting Codependent No More and working thru that book. It is very very helpful and allows you to learn to let go. Start too by making a list of what you and your children want to do.. from things that are long term to things that you can do NOW and then start doing them.

And pray. Learn to have Faith and Trust that God has a plan for you and for your Husband and your children. Let Him have the worries you cannot do anything about.
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