drainedwife

hi everyone....
we went to court today and it got adjourned because he had a criminal lawyer with him and he needed a matrimonial one. His lawyer didnt understand things, so we just ammmended the original temp. restraining order to include visitation with the kids and a few small items regarding finances. Our lawyers met and mine discussed everything with him.

we have to now go back next week. My ah then called me after court AGAIN and left messages on my cell phone that said i am so low because i gave my lawyer an email he wrote to me and he also said that he isnt going to fight the divorce, but he doesnt want to use lawyers becasue it will cost a fortune. he will give me 50% of everything and we can go to a mediator.. he also seemed to indicate that he was not going to get evaluated for substance abuse or the other things which i requested if there was to be any reconciliation.
also, my lawyer called his to tell him he called me 3 times and his lawyer yelled at him...he did try to call me again, but my mailboxes were full so he couldnt leave a message...but my lawyer said he has never seen anything like this were someone so blatanly violates an order like this...my ah told my friend he doesnt care--he doesnt care if he is violating it or he gets arrested because it would be worth it if he could just talk to me.

so it seems like my ah has made his choice...he is not going to do whatever it takes to get the family back together as he said he would to my friend. He also said on the voicemail that he is not violent, that he never put his hands on my neck and that i have the problem because i dont take my anti-depressant every day it makes me not think clearly... and i need to watch how i take prescription drugs and i should look at the symptoms of skipping doses. His lawyer also mentioned someting like this to my lawyer and my lawyer said you dont want to go there, ill pretend like i didnt hear that.

anyway, thanks for your support......i am so glad that i have all of you to support me...funny, i still feel bad for him....I know he is very angry with me and still feels like he has done nothing wrong. i feel like i am doing something bad to him...but at the same time i know that he has done it all by himself.....

also, ive read alot of posts from others that say their ah's have stopped on their own..and then i feel -- did i do this too soon?? no, cant be---i gave him a yr. and a half to change or get help....and it didnt happen.....why should i have to live with abuse, drugs, and whatever else he had thrown at me.......

my older daughter does not understand why daddy still cant call her or why she ahs to go to grandmas to see dadday..she is at the difficult age of 12 and she is not handling this well at all.. i dont want to give her too much info. but she keeps asking questions...i havent told her about the drug use and dont want to right now. She has seen the abuse and understands that is wrong, but i guess this is her daddy and she wants the family to be together no matter what....

Ann

Take some time just for you, you've been through a lot here. A man who is so persistant and unremorseful in breaking the law and calling you over and over, is abusive and I'm glad you are keeping your lawyer up to date on this.

I feel sorry for your daughter, but at 12 maybe she is old enough to be told the truth in a way appropriate for her age and with compassion.

My heart goes out to you along with my prayers, none of this is easy for you and you're showing great courage and strength.

Hugs

caileesnana

I think you are setting a good example for your daughter. They realize more than we think.
Prayers to you and yours,
susan

drainedwife

my daughter asked my ah why he keeps calling when he is not supposed to and he said because it was more important to talk to you or mommy..he told my firned he didnt care about breaking the restraining order because if he could get ot me and talk to me it would be worth it.
He is angry that sent an email that he sent me to my attorney....he said that it was a personal email and that i am so low for doing that...hes the one that keeps breaking the order....

alcohol_sucks

You are doing a great job. It's so hard when children are involved. I don't know where the line is as to what to tell my girls, 13 and 9, either. It will all work itself out. Let him dig his own hole...

Elana

Hi DW.
YOu rock girl even tho you are hurting.. and we all understand the hurt. You put the proposal on the table and he did not want it. You have kept your boundaries.

Do something nice for you.. just you.. not the kids or anyone else.. JUST YOU.

then talk to your daughter and let her know that her Daddy is sick and someday he might not be sick anymore.. The addict doesn't love anyone but his DOS. THe person inside, if he ever comes back, will love his daughter I am sure.

Whenever I say that.. about the person inside under the addiction.. I just want you to know it causes my heart to catch a bit..

I loved my XABF very deeply and I never knew that person inside.. I think he has been hidden under the drug use for so many years.. 40 years.. that he may be gone for good.
I got flimpses of him from time to time.. as he told his Mother he loved her.. and as he made me soup one time when I was really very very sick.. when he picked up a camera and took photographs.

Glimpses here and there.. of someone I will never see again.

Never think my tough hard nosed stance is meant to hurt you. Just don't want anyone to be hurt like I was.

You are doing great. I think you are doing really great.

greeteachday

You are showing great strength and courage...I know this is difficult but you are doing all you can to protect yourself and your children. Staying isn't going to be what it takes for him to choose recovery...he needs to make that choice on his own and for himself. I think you are wise to take the actions you are taking...A man who will openly violate court orders has very limited impulse control. Keeping yourself and your kids safe should, I believe, continue to be your primary focus. Hugs and prayers.

BigSis

What *I* hear in this is -

I want to talk to her REAL bad so I can manipulate her and cajole and whine and threaten and beat her down until she is so confused that *I* can control what she thinks and says.

How dare you send those to the lawyer, dammit! Now he can see through my lies and manipulations! Did you think I was telling HIM the truth!




Yep... you are coming out of the dark, DW...sometimes, the bright light can hurt for a bit. But in the long run, it will be a good thing.

((DW))

drainedwife

i know my lawyer said to the judge in court today that there is no email or phone contact with the kids....but the judge must have fogotten to put it in the order and, my ah left a nasty message on my machine stating how dare i tell the kids they cant email or talk to him on the phone and i better keep the ( f word) answering machine on.
what is wrong with him???? he just left me a message on my machine AGAIN violating the order and telling me he'll get ME for contempt when he is clearly the one in violation.
then he writes my daughter an email about it telling her if mommy changes the order i am only hurting her because i know that she wants to email him.....so again he is violating the order by bad mouthing me to her....he is the one hurting her...

kj0975

Hes mad cause he has lost control. Control is a big thing with addicts and just some people in general. He has lost it and now he cant deal with that and will do and try anything he can and even threaten u and scare u to get u to back down. Be safe and dont budge he will soon learn that u are a strong woman and u cant be threatened or bullied or controled!!!! Just keep records and keep reporting it he will learn that your not messing around this time.

rose

I am sure it is has been a very long draining day for you. Can you turn the ringer on the phone off and the answering machine as well, you don't really need to listen to the blabbering for tonight anyway...but I just had a thought that it might be important to keep the messages.

Oh how Big Sis hit the nail on the head..( What *I* hear in this is -

I want to talk to her REAL bad so I can manipulate her and cajole and whine and threaten and beat her down until she is so confused that *I* can control what she thinks and says.) SO TRUE!

This is exactly why I know inside that I can't be around my ah, even a phone message from him plays with my head.

Tried to relax some tonight...

Rose

raerae6

Hi, I'm glad to hear that things are going well considering how hard it all is.
It sounds like your husband is trying to retaliate because he knows he's backed in a corner. It sounds like your lawyer is a pretty good one.

I hope your managing to have a little relaxation amidst all this stuff!!

lostparent

Has to be hard on you.. stay strong an don't let him get to you.

Lovestoomuch

What sis said!
You're going to make it sweetie. Have faith in HP and have faith in yourself. We're all with you and you and your children will continue to be in my prayers.

pjbs55

((DW))
I am glad it well yesterday. You are doing great, stay strong and don't take his calls. He just wants control and does not like it that you are standing up for yourself and your children. Please report the phone calls and emails to your daughter to your lawyer. He needs to learn he can't do it.
You and your children will remain in my prayers,
I'm proud of you,

hope213

just giving you my support in all of this.you are doing what you know is right.prayers, hope

Elana

Hi DW..
and Idea that will work.. maybe..
I blocked my XABF on Email at the ISP server. I might get an Email but all I actually receive is a report with the blocked senders name and the subject. With no other information than the subject line, I have nothing to respond to. Nothing to get upset over.

The other thing you can do is change your ISP and change your email and you daughter's email addys and then do not contact him.

As to the phone calls, just get an new unpublished number.

If he cannot contact you, then you are taken one step further back from his drama.

All this is a REAL pain to do, but it is so nice to not get calls etc. anymore. Will there be times when you are sad because of no contact? Likely yes. You have been married to this man for quite awhile. I still get sad sometimes over both my x husband (who is deceased) and my XABF. I don't act on the sadness.. I know it will pass.

drainedwife

what is an isp???

drainedwife

my older daughter is going to be very upset when i tell her there can be no contact between her and her dad outside of visitation at least until next week. I hope she understands that it is out of my hands, but i dont think that she will. I feel so bad for my kids...especially my older one who is 12--she is at such a tough age,.it is actually the same age I was when my parents seperated..but i didnt have any real relationship with my dad and i was with my friends all the time. She is embarrassed that this has happened and doesnt want anyone to know. None of her friends have gone through this, so i understand how she feels. I was there too at 12 years old and it is very difficult.

MeggieStar

((DW)) Think of it this way...it's better to have a divorced or separated family than bringing your girlfriends home when you are sixteen to find your dad high or overdosed in the bathroom...

She doesn't understand just now but she's also not working on with the full story. By 12 I had heard most of the bad stuff about my Dad (he got into recovery when i was five) and it helped me to understand him better. It also helped keep me AWAY from substances at that age when lots of kids start experimenting.

You have come VERY far in a short time and you are doing AWESOME!! Keep it up!