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Old 05-10-2007, 11:36 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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i'm so late on this and i'm sorry, you have great advice above so i want you to know that i'm still praying for you and yours
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Old 05-10-2007, 11:39 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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I appreciate all the different views on this. Thank you so much everyone. I had already ordered the tests when I first posted... now whether I use them or not I'm just not sure.
In all honesty, to me his sh*tty attitude is no indication as to whether he's using or not. I've known him since I was 12, he's one of my cousins good friends, and I have ALWAYS known him to have an attitude.
Most of the time things between us are awesome lately, and I don't have much reason to question if he's used or not. But, when we got on the topic during an open and honest conversation I mentioned to him that I still have my doubts from time to time. He said that he'd do a test to prove to me that he wasn't using and to regain my trust.
After our argument about it last night we sat down and had a heart to heart about everything. He said he understands why I want him to take the test and that he will do it when I ask, but he just doesn't want to hear about it all the time. So I'll wait until they get here in the mail and we'll go from there I guess...
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Old 05-11-2007, 01:02 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Interstring post. One of the conditions I was allowed to move back in with my wife were that she could, and I would willingly take, a drug test at her request. I immidiately agreed. I do find it tough to be doubted sometimes, like when I get asked about where money went, where I was etc.

But, this is the situation I created.

I am really trying to recover in the complete sense of the word. So honesty, truth, and being a more loving human are important.

My wife is just trying to come to terms with living with an addict, and let the past go. However, I feel i must bend in her direction wherever possible. If a drug test gives her peace of mind so be it.

It was an early condition on getting back together.

Frankly, since I am clean, I do not realy care too much. Same with the questions about where I was and money. I stole and lied so much, I can answer honestly now, and each truth I tell hopefully begins to dim the memory of the lies.

She has never given me a drug test in 18 month.

Cos like many of yuo said, behaviour tells a lot.

When I relapse (in old addict behaviour, but abstain) she picks it up.
I shared my porn viewing story here.

She picked up from my behaviour something was wrong.

But as an addict I will do what it I feel I need to in order to build trust.
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Old 05-11-2007, 03:59 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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FWIW when anyone who is your spouse, BF, GF, family memeber you live with, rages at you and tells you to F**k Off, they are being abusive. This is demeaning and emotionally damaging for you and for your children to watch.

If he is lying in addition to raging those words at you then he is an abusive liar.

Love for yourself means respect for yourself. Respect for yourself means not having to tolerate abuse.

If he was cheating with another woman instead of a drug, would you stay? Just a thought?

You can test him for drugs, but with the lack of respect he has for you and the emotional abuse he is spewing at you, I think you know the answer and it will be up to you to decide how much you need to respect and love yourself and your children.

The choice to tolerate this or not is yours. Trust is a fragile thing and can be broken easily but the repair is very hard.
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Old 05-11-2007, 04:49 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Just wanted to say that this is an awesome thread- packed with SO SO SO MUCH great stuff.

It really helped reinforce that despite no actual HARD EVIDENCE- my observance of "using behaviors" is enough to TRUST myself and to learn to stop engaging in conversations with the addict trying to point out what I see in hopes that he'll confess.

It's not going to happen- he'll keep lying- I need to keep my eyes open.
As I read on another post- if someone called me a chair- would I believe them?
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Old 05-11-2007, 06:34 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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Seems to me his actions are giving you a much more accurate picture than his words.
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Old 05-11-2007, 11:33 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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ANN--no disrespect taken at all--we are all different-I love hearing everyones views.
I am a take action person--I didn't want to play anymore games with the A or walk away--thats just me.
Like I have said if my AS didn't become sober after all the mandated programs I fought hard for I would have put him in a state mental hospital for a year with his doctors and the judges help.
A year later he would have been sober wouldn't he have?Sometimes they have to be forsed into recovery--so their minds can see clearly what the heck they are doing.And hopefully then they will want recovery.Maybe not
all I know is everyone thinks I am wrong--but my son is sober--so I had to be right about something?
This was advise I took from my neighbor who is a HUGE AA person in this state...many families take this route whn all hope is lost---it can be done--but you have to be strong to do it. I figured in my mind it was better than jail.
Fortunately I did not have to do it...but I was ready...had all the info.
Mandated testing,medication,saved my AS,,,,,,if he is degraded by that--too bad!!! He is sober now thats all I care about.And ya know he was sooooo mad at me in the beginning--now he says I ''saved his life''
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