opinions please
 

About a week ago RAH agreed to go take a drug test so that he could prove to me that he has been clean. He never brought it up again, leading me to believe that he was just telling me what I wanted to hear and that he's probably been doing this all along.
I've detached and I feel strong enough that I know in my heart I can live with or without him. I did, however, come to the conclusion that in order for me to feel any reason to stay in this marriage I need proof that he can be trusted and that he hasn't been using because in all honesty I just cannot tell from his actions.
So....
I ordered a few drug tests online. Told RAH that I had ordered them and planned on doing a few random tests just to put my mind at ease, then I'm willing to drop it all. Well he flew off the handle, calling me "constable ...." telling me if it's such a big deal I can just get the f*ck out, and asking me why I have to treat him like a criminal. Seems a little messed to me, coming from someone who was so willing to prove himself a week ago. I mentioned to him how I feel about things; that this will ease my mind at ease, help to regain my trust... but it's turned into all out war. He's not speaking to me anymore... just yelling. i don't want to put up with this anymore. If it were me I'd be doing everything in my power to regain that trust, no matter what. It appears to me that he's freaking out because he has something to hide. I can't take much more of the being told to f-off. He will not leave, I'm not about to uplift my kids like that without a plan but if I have to I will.
Am I wrong, should I just leave it be? Is it as he says me trying to be controlling? Did I slip?

Sis,

I know it's counterproductive to argue with an addict but.....when you bring up the fact that you bought the drug tests because he said he would take a drug test...uhhh....does he have any response to that?

I know for a fact that the only reason my addict brother isn't using right now is because of the random drug testing. He fears it just enough to not use. So if I were you, recovery or not, I would be thinking along the same lines if I were in a marriage to an addict: you want me to stay? then this needs to be what happens. I love you, honest to g*d I do, but this is the line, right here in the sand.

Just me...sending you hugs and strength to get through this war. Do you have a plan in case things don't get better? You don't want to waste a lot of life on a horrible stressful situation like this if he won't knock it off.

Love,
GL

You did not slip. HE was the one that mentioned it in the beginning.
What you did was call his bluff, and now he's trying to make you feel like the one with the problem. He's most likely using. Any sober H that is willing to prove his sobriety would "gladly" do any drug testing in my opinion. (especially when he brought it up)

I have no other advice. You will do what you need to do to be healthy for you and your kids.

(((hugs)))

Hi ConcernedBigSis,

I think you know in your "heart of hearts" that you aren't wrong and you're not controlling. You're just trying to grasp onto some thread of hope to save your marriage and create a stable life for your children.

I only had a chance to read a few of your other posts, but it appears there's a theme of your husband enjoying controversy and drama, regardless of whether he's high or not. He won't leave because who else would put up with that kind of mental and emotional abuse? Some people behave worse when they are sober...I think the term is "dry drunk?"

He could pass a drug test today and fail it tomorrow. Unless a person is really committed to staying sober, they won't. Even if he did manage to remain so, it doesn't sound like he's a very happy camper at the best of times.

I am glad to hear that you are quietly gathering strength inside. Your children will need your serenity to remain grounded themselves.

You may not be able to say to him, "Take your ball and go home" because you share a home, but you still don't have to play games that hurt.

Sometimes, the addict can sound so convincing that we start to believe what they're saying about us. We start to doubt our own thoughts and feelings and wonder if they're right. The difference is that we face our feelings head on and they either choose not to or are already so caught up in their physical, mental and emotional addiction that they just can't.

Keep building your inner resources. Keep reaffirming your own worth and loving yourself every single day. By doing so, you will slowly start to heal.

Please don't ever let someone else prevent you from becoming the wonderful person you are meant to be.

Hugs,

Marjatta

It is so hard--you never really know what they are up to. I still have the feeling all the time that''maybe''--have to let it go though--and I always listened to my gut prior to my AS--not anymore cause it has been wrong--he gets tested weekly and is always negative.If he is not using he should have no problem doing a home tests.Seems he would want to reassure you so your fears subside--he caused the pain--he needs to help heal it as well.

He brought up the drug test. You called him on it. I know that I would willingly take a drug test except when I was abusing. Honestly, for someone in recovery, if he is still not talking to you a week later it sounds like he needs to work on his quite a bit more.

I agree with Sunflower Bigsis, if he didn't have anything to hide why is he behaving like this.
I don't think u r being controlling at all...............my ex addict was a compulsive gambler & after 10 yrs of it I ended it. I thought he was the love of my life but boy was I wrong. I stayed alone 10 yrs after ending it being a single mom to 2 sons. After 10 yrs alone I met & married my present husband & we will be maried 22 yrs in Nov. I love this man more everyday & he showed me what marriage means.
I am here now cuz my 40 yr old son is an addict. My son was only 8 when I ended my 1st marriage.................the scars my son had from his exposure to that craziness I think is one of the reasons he turned to drugs............a boy always identifies with the same sex parent. My son had my dad all along but obviously it wasn't enough. My SS was only 18 months when it ended & had a really rough few yrs but now is doing well. I am telling you this cuz you posted you have a son.
Protect yourself & your child
Love,
Diane
You r in my thoughts & my prayers

Sounds like the quacking my kid did... test me!! I'll take a hair test!! A blood test!!! I'm CLLLEEEEAAAAANNNN....

...except, she wasn't.


She just knew I didn't have any tests on hand, it was late at night and she wanted something from me.

I can look back on those times and know that I was talking to her active addiction, not her. The addiction will lie ... to anyone about anything. She said terrible, terrible things to me.

Today, because she is clean and has tried to make amends, I don't have to dwell on those things she said. I don't have to accept them as anything other than blather.

If I was a betting gal, I would bet he would fail any drug test - and then tell you the test was faulty, he ate a poppy seed muffin and you are purposely contaminating the test in order to make him crazy...

At some point along this road, I guess you have to decide if you want to keep dancing the crazy dance, or get off the bus.

Uprooting the kids is hard -but maybe less hard than living with the active addiction, your mood swings (and yeah, they can tell...sadly), and the fear of the 'unknown' that the addiction brings to THEIR lives.

My prayers are that you find the strength and the timing to get what you need. (((ConcernedBigSis)))

From the other sis.... (((loving hugs)))

Sis...

I did the drug testing dance with my exah too.

Eventually...I figured out that I didn't need a test. His behavior and attitude told me EVERYTHING I needed to know. No one in recovery who nearly destroyed their marriage due to addiction is going to tell their spouse to f-off when asked for something that will help to restore trust in the relationship. Anyone who was sincerely interested in staying clean and making things right would take the stupid test...ESPECIALLY if they are the ones who brought it up in the first place.

He's messing with your mind...
playing those mind games that only an addict can play.

he's messing with you. take the drug test $ and do something nice for yourself. you'll know if he's using. blessings, k

I agree with others above. It sounds to me like he is playing the game they all play so well. My ex keeps quacking that he is going to get tested to prove he is not using, but it's been 10 weeks now since we seperated and he has yet to do it. Has all kinds of excuses. Quack....quack....quack...

Not that the results would mean anything to me, anyway, because his character hasn't changed at all and that is the bottom line for me. Actions, not words. He could be clean for months and then relapse. He's done it for 25 years.

I think you did nothing wrong and that if he were really serious about recovery then he would do whatever you asked him to in order to regain the trust that he destroyed. Trust your gut. You know him better than he even knows himself. Red flags all over the place.

Take good care of YOU and those kids. You are worth it!

And I'll add a big ME TOO in there as well.
My abf is also quacking that he will get tested- any time, any place because he is clean as a whistle.
I can remember when he was deeply deeply into his addiction and he would still say this to me.
De-ni-al.

I'm also dealing with red flags and it's very difficult. They flagrantly deny everything. They call US crazy and tell us we don't trust them.
My bf yesterday told me he wanted a partner- not a warden.
HA!
Yes- I shouldn't have been so into his recovery as I was... and so ontop of him for it, but in the end I told myself my limit was that if he was in active addiction than I was not going to stay. Red flags that indicate active addiction present me with a choice- go with what my gut tells me or listen to him.
And I do NOT trust myself easily- not at all in fact.

In another forum people have urged me to question- why do I care if he's using? But I just cannot justify accepting an active addiction in my life. That just makes me crazy. I must say that it is very hard though- we are taught and told that they have to want their recovery, we can't control them etc. But it's such a catch 22 then when we are duped yet again by their sneaky ways- there is only so much one can take.

prayers for you.that is all i have right now.hugs.

well, I'm certainly no expert on this field....but my daughter who was shooting oxycontin...took drug tests and came up neg......so not sure how definative the tests are....she told me later, that because it is a prescription drug, they don't test for it

When I read your post it sounded all too familiar to me. My RAH did the same thing. That is what eventually led to me making him leave. That was 3 months ago. Now is has hit rock bottom and is about to enter rehab. He is 9 days clean (whoo hooo). He has made up his mind this time. Well he has confessed alot of things to me in the past few days. He told me that he altered every drug test that I ever gave him. Except the last one, the one he failed. He always volunteered to take them. He never put up a fight. I always knew in my heart that he was altering the tests, I could just never prove it. You are in my prayers.

~M

I don't agree with doing drug tests. Never found any need to, their erractic, crazy, insane behavior was answers enough.


Plus, I believe, (only my opinion) that's it's a control issue.



Hugs,

NSW, Oxycontin does require a special test. That test does work because I used it on my daughter. ConcernedSis, I don't think you need the test. I think you already have your answer. There are ways to beat the test and you don't want to get into that cat and mouse game. Do what is best for you and your children. Living daily with the doubt and now with the abuse is no way to live with or without drug testing. Hugs, Marle

control is the issue for some it is the answer

I'm not sure how you feel you have any control by using a drug test, Sunflower? Seriously, and I mean no disrespect.

Drug tests are degrading to the tested and the tester. They serve a good purpose for employment safety and some other good reasons, but home tests would reduce me to a place I don't want to be.

Tests can be faked, easily. They are good for the moment you take them and a half hour later mean nothing. Even under the best conditions they don't always work.

They use or they don't use...our instinct is the best drug test around. And all the drug tests in the world won't stop an addict from using.

Hugs