teke

morning yall,

jei, yes i can relate to cooking for 7 kids, but once you've done it for as long as i have, it becomes normal. now i would have problems trying to cook for 1 or 2 people.LOL

well today is my first day alone, i kind of feel like there has to be something else i can try to help fix my marriage but i keep remembering that as long as he's gonna use from time to time, i can't get through his past actions. if i didn't have to fear his infidelities then i know that it would be a whole different story. i know that i wasn't suppose to keep questioning him about his past and i tried not to but if he can't stop using then how am i suppose to trust that he won't do it again. i mean i've already had to have all those syphillis shots because i was named by him at the health dept, thank god i didn't have it but i did have to have those shots.


he admitted in his journal that he was having unprotected sex during his drug binges and this sparked this whole thing. he says that it was just oral, like that was suppose to make sense. maybe i shouldn't have looked at the journal, but this is something that i needed to know. that means that he's not only putting his life in danger but i am allowing him to endanger mine too. see i do need some comments on this but if you have none, i do understand.

cinderellawkids

Teke, if you hadnt looked you wouldnt know, thats not something a husband should keep secret. He is endanering your life.

I think about that with my AH, while he's not having sex he's with his brother. I know for a fact a few years ago his brother had unprotected sex with a girl positive with hepetitus C. AH and BIl fight, BIL bleeds, AH gets it in an open cut and boom Im in danger, its a fact of life.

Teke, Im nuts, Im researching starting a cheap salt water aquarium, small scale 10gallon with reef and 1 clown fish. SIlly huh. Cant afford it but still researching

teke

for some reason cinder, i think that because you are so close to the ocean, that the salt water fish will be less expensive, but if you can do it, i say go for it, thats gotta be the prettiest fish that i've ever seen. i wished i could, buying them would not be as big of a problem for me as keeping them from dying after i've bought them. too scared. wish you luck, i'm sure youre gonna let me know how it goes.

teke

and about my ah, the worst thing is, i'm disrespecting him if i need to talk it out with him, he just don't realize how important it would be to us, if only i could get through that part of his past. its not that i don't forgive him for what he has done but its the anticipation of what he is capable of doing while using. he admits that he is numb to his feelings and don't care about people. my question was to him was how can he say that he loves us and don't care about me enough to think about my very life. i told him that if he want to risk his own life that was him, but to put my life in danger too, how did he think he had a right to do that. he still don't know that i read the journal, so he still says that somebody did oral, so that i should be able to get through that and he can't take me keep questioning him about it, and its not like i do it everyday, its only when he gives me reasons to think that way again, so thats why i had to phone turned off, i don't want to be able to contact him and i won't call his family to ask any questions about him, if i see his mom number or a number that i don't recognize, i won't hardly answer it either. if he's gone, he has no need to call me. i just don't want to hear what he has to say.

cinderellawkids

I agree with you Teke.

Think Im ona roll. Its 10 am I mowed my lawn trimmed my hibiscus vacuumed my back patio and kitchen cleaned, wow. Even measured the patio room window for the size glass I need to have cut. Today is a beautiful day

teke

gosh, i feel like my day hasn't even begun, i'm planning to get my house all cleaned now that my rah is gone, i've talked the kids and i don't understand why they say that they say they don't care that he's gone. i had to talk to my son(16). i wxplained to him that i couldn't live with his father this way with him staying out like that, and his response was that he don't like that man, he says that he loves him but he don't like him. now how am i suppose to think about that? my daughter just cheerfully says "ok ma, i've got my mamma, thats all i need"

cinderellawkids

I think in your kids own way they are being supportive. Mine at 9 and 6 say the same thing. They love him but they want me hapy and they dont like certain things about him. Kids crave stability. Your kids know their dad isnt right. Tell tehm if they ahve feelings they want to talk about they can come to you and you'll be open and then leave them alone, they will be fine, you are doing well.

Scrap my sw tank for a while my 3 year old needs a sand box with white sand, tired of watching him have so much fun in the black dirt. Next extra $20 goes for sandbox sand

teke

hey anvil, i was wondering when you were gonna show up. i need your expert opinion too, i've posted and reveiled a lot about me and my situation between this post and the other new one, i hope that you can kind of skim through them both when you get a change, get a feel of whats really been going on all these yrs and give me your honestly opinion, i kind of feel really dumb for going through all of this for so long but thats ok, i'm ready to get it out and over, somehow. thanks don't forget, i want hard truth, nothing sugar coated, please. not gonna say i'm gonna like it, but i will say that i need it.

cinderellawkids

Anvil, Im getting jealoous of buck, he's taking up all your time.

Now that Ive slowed down in all my working around here, Im starting to second guess myself, maybe AH did have $ for me and wasnt trying to put me off, I acused him and said dont contact me, and for 18 whole hours he has not. NAAAWWW, if he truthfully was changing he'd have said Ill show you and get money to me somehow or insist I come get it, right?

He's ana ddict (active) Im the sane one

teke

I Agree with you cinder, if he really want to give it too you, he could have sent you a money order, thats what i tell my ah, that way i don't have to meet him and he don't have to contact me, he knows the address, right?

teke

ok, i think in a minute the kids and i are gonna get up and start not spring cleaning but ah cleaning. i can officially go off strike now, my son asked me this morning if we were gonna go grocery shopping, yep we are son, sometime today.

he said that i had never done anything for him in all of these yrs, so i went on strike to show him just what 'DO NOTHING" means. thats where the no house cleaning came into play.

cinderellawkids

Ive been great when I dont hear from him. He's managed a bit, lost a lot of weight, said the other day he was craving milk. Hee Hee hes had none.
His actions tell me he is still selfish and showing addictive behavior, still using at least alcohol to cope.

I hope for his sake he went grocery shopping yet I know if he was going to do a real shopping he would have had me or his sis take him, therefore he did not. Im sure and you know what its not my problem.

Im doing my 2week limited shopping tomorow evening, didnt want much food here case he came by, as it is I think Ill store some in the garage.

It felt empowering to mow my own lawn and trim my hedges. Getting ready to go to my place of worship and then come back and watch disney movies with the boys, ahhh the single relaxing mom life.

Teke, glad your noticing weight gain. Me Ive gotten to the spot where I cant gain more, well dont want to, gotta start exercising now.

teke

ok, i've began my 'AH cleaning", and i was wondering if anyone ever done this to realize how much better the house looks and feel to know the way that you organize things, is the way they'll stay, until you get ready to change them around? just thinking.

i'm sure somebody will contact me about my ah's clothes, but i'm not ready to answer my phone for any unknown numbers, i'm afraid that it'll be him and i'm not quite ready to conversate with him about anything. he told me not to call him, i kind of hope he remembers that when you don't want someone to call you, you don't genarally call them either. just my thoughts

he and his family knows from past ex, that it will be ok to come and get his things. his poor bro, jumps to his every call and will move his things back and forth just for the asking. he has them thinking that if they don't help him, then he'll have to go to jail for hurting me or that i'll have him arrested for nothing, totally manipulating them too, so they'll go way out of their way to help him, its so sad to watch, but they are all in denial, much worse than i am.

cinderellawkids

That would be rational thinking, something I doubt he's doing.

Someone will get his clothes when he needs them

teke

how was your worship service cindi, what was the message? i do need to get back to that, and wll as soon as things gets back to normal around here.

cinderellawkids

2 messages:
With God on our side we never need to be in fear
and
Association and how beinga round the wrong environment can desensitize you and distract you from doing what is right
When little man wakes Im off to a bridal shower in the park, I love not being concerned with AH, my life is so much fuller

teke

thanks cinder, good for you, have fun at the shower in the park, sounds like a lot of fun for you and for lil man.

cinderellawkids

Yeah all the boys will enjoy it theyve been wanting to go to the park and lots of their friends will be there playing their. Its beautiful out here

teke

i can imagine how nice it is there, i was just thinking about how i could take a vacation and where would i go. don't have the money now, and i don't think that my ah will be to helpful about money right now, so i won't dare ask him for anything, its time for me to call the childsupport office and let them know where i think he works. guess i'll do that tomorrow

Jewelz

Sorry guys that I havent been around much this weekend. I had a full house with ym daughter, son two neices, my nephew and my sister.... oh yeah the invisible man abf.

The other day I attempted to have a conversation with him... and all he kept saying was huh.. what.. I looked at him and said you remind me of the scarecrow in the wizard of oz... then I went on to singing "I wish I had a Brain" I dont think he liked that much but I had a good chuckle.
I cleaned all morning... I had a huge mess.. I did the same as you Teke went on a little strike of cleaning. Abf hates to live in a mess.. or search for his clean clothes in the laundry bag.. or put together his own socks. After about two weeks I did everything it felt good and my brain didnt seem all that scattered.

I am home now with just my daughter and me. ABF is bringing our baby to grandmas house. My home is so quiet.

I want to buy plants but I could never get them to live long enough......

Thats enough for now

Hugs,
Jewel