I must be insane!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
I must be insane!!!
I think I need advice from someone a bit saner than myself.
Over the last week, my RAH has received emails from an ex who tracked him down. He invited her to come see his show in FL, we live in TN. I read the email and was pissed. He said he was just being nice, she tracked him down not the other way around but that if I didn't want him to talk to her anymore, he wouldn't.
Now, I should know better than to believe anything the man says, right?
He is only 30 days clean and before that had 50 days sober with a week or so of using in the middle. Other than that, he now admits to using about everyday of our marriage. So, we have a lot of crap to fix in our lives personally and our marriage. I told him my trust factor was 0 and that now is not a good time to expect me to trust him in many states away with an ex.
But of course, he continued to contact her, this time by phone, a prepaid phone he acquired originally to hide drug purchases from me, as I checked his phone records. I confronted him. He lied and said he did not call her. Without going into a million details, I had written proof he lied from the girl via email, and he still tried to lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??????? I told him I had the written proof, he knew it to be true and still lied. Why?
He promised me he had only lied to me in our marriage to cover up drug use. Obviously that was a lie. He promised when he first started to get clean, he would never lie to me again, and that was a lie....
So to the next part of the story...he is in TX playing a show and then will go to FL where this girl is. I know I will be sick to my stomach all day wondering if they are together. He calls me today and wants to fly me to Austin to see a concert with him, which I have never done as we have kids and I can't follow him all over the country while he plays guitar.
Is he doing this out of guilt? Is he trying to do something nice to make me forget this mess? And worse of all, why do I want to go??? Part of me is afraid going means I forfeit all right of being upset about his secret psuedo relationship with this ex and I don't want to go just so I can be mad at him still....okay, that isn't healthy. But neither is wanting to fly to TX to spend the day and night with him at a concert when he has betrayed me so.
Any thoughts?
Over the last week, my RAH has received emails from an ex who tracked him down. He invited her to come see his show in FL, we live in TN. I read the email and was pissed. He said he was just being nice, she tracked him down not the other way around but that if I didn't want him to talk to her anymore, he wouldn't.
Now, I should know better than to believe anything the man says, right?
He is only 30 days clean and before that had 50 days sober with a week or so of using in the middle. Other than that, he now admits to using about everyday of our marriage. So, we have a lot of crap to fix in our lives personally and our marriage. I told him my trust factor was 0 and that now is not a good time to expect me to trust him in many states away with an ex.
But of course, he continued to contact her, this time by phone, a prepaid phone he acquired originally to hide drug purchases from me, as I checked his phone records. I confronted him. He lied and said he did not call her. Without going into a million details, I had written proof he lied from the girl via email, and he still tried to lie!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WTF??????? I told him I had the written proof, he knew it to be true and still lied. Why?
He promised me he had only lied to me in our marriage to cover up drug use. Obviously that was a lie. He promised when he first started to get clean, he would never lie to me again, and that was a lie....
So to the next part of the story...he is in TX playing a show and then will go to FL where this girl is. I know I will be sick to my stomach all day wondering if they are together. He calls me today and wants to fly me to Austin to see a concert with him, which I have never done as we have kids and I can't follow him all over the country while he plays guitar.
Is he doing this out of guilt? Is he trying to do something nice to make me forget this mess? And worse of all, why do I want to go??? Part of me is afraid going means I forfeit all right of being upset about his secret psuedo relationship with this ex and I don't want to go just so I can be mad at him still....okay, that isn't healthy. But neither is wanting to fly to TX to spend the day and night with him at a concert when he has betrayed me so.
Any thoughts?
Rest peacefully Sonny Boy
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Florida, Tennessee
Posts: 840
((booklover))
Why not see if you can fly to Florida and listen to him play instead of going to Texas?
Trust you gut feelings. Follow your heart. Once the seed of mis-trust is sown, it can grow so much so fast, that you can't see anything else. In your situation, it's not just the drugs. Unfortunately, just like the drugs, if he's going to be unfaithful, nothing you do can stop it. You can protect yourself to a degree, and yes, I myself would have to find out.
I didn't used to be that way, when my ex was running around (not saying yours is) he would have every excuse, every legitimate reason for the things I discovered. But I believed him because I wanted to believe. I couldn't face the alternative. In the end, I was beyond shocked to learn how many "others" there had been.
Trust, once broken, takes both partners working on the relationship to regain it. It's hard work. There is a site on the web called The healing heart. When I was dealing with Mike's addiction and ultimatly his exposer of the betrayal of our marriage, I used this forum and The Healing Heart forum. One for the drug use, the other for the infidelity.
My heart goes out to you because I know where you are at right now. I know the anger, the fear, the dis-belief, the sadness that you feel. I really hope and pray that your situation is different than mine was.
Hugs
B
Why not see if you can fly to Florida and listen to him play instead of going to Texas?
Trust you gut feelings. Follow your heart. Once the seed of mis-trust is sown, it can grow so much so fast, that you can't see anything else. In your situation, it's not just the drugs. Unfortunately, just like the drugs, if he's going to be unfaithful, nothing you do can stop it. You can protect yourself to a degree, and yes, I myself would have to find out.
I didn't used to be that way, when my ex was running around (not saying yours is) he would have every excuse, every legitimate reason for the things I discovered. But I believed him because I wanted to believe. I couldn't face the alternative. In the end, I was beyond shocked to learn how many "others" there had been.
Trust, once broken, takes both partners working on the relationship to regain it. It's hard work. There is a site on the web called The healing heart. When I was dealing with Mike's addiction and ultimatly his exposer of the betrayal of our marriage, I used this forum and The Healing Heart forum. One for the drug use, the other for the infidelity.
My heart goes out to you because I know where you are at right now. I know the anger, the fear, the dis-belief, the sadness that you feel. I really hope and pray that your situation is different than mine was.
Hugs
B
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
No one here can tell you "why" he is doing anything. And if you can't trust his answers, it doesn't matter what he tells you, either.
I've chased a man I didn't trust before... but it didn't make him more faithful.
I think you are right - there is much to work on. My husband and I got some relief from couples counseling. We've gone off and on for years.
Your honesty about your anger is so refreshing, and I think shows some pretty good insight on your part. I know *I've* hung onto anger sometimes... because it was easier to feel than the pain and sorrow that was beneath.
It sounds like your H is on the road a lot.
You could travel with him
He could give up his career
Those are ways to solve the immediate problem. At some point you will have to figure out how to live with the idea that you can never know what he is up to. It may be that you won't be able to continue in the relationship until the trust is regained... and rebuilding it takes far longer than breaking it ever did.
I wish you the best.
I've chased a man I didn't trust before... but it didn't make him more faithful.
I think you are right - there is much to work on. My husband and I got some relief from couples counseling. We've gone off and on for years.
Your honesty about your anger is so refreshing, and I think shows some pretty good insight on your part. I know *I've* hung onto anger sometimes... because it was easier to feel than the pain and sorrow that was beneath.
It sounds like your H is on the road a lot.
You could travel with him
He could give up his career
Those are ways to solve the immediate problem. At some point you will have to figure out how to live with the idea that you can never know what he is up to. It may be that you won't be able to continue in the relationship until the trust is regained... and rebuilding it takes far longer than breaking it ever did.
I wish you the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 33
I agree with fankly I would see if you can go to Fla. The seeds of mistrust run deep. I too have struggled with where do you start to trust when you are a zero? No answers there for me yet.
I try really hard to stay away from following my heart right now because I know that it is emotionally tied to my cah and that causes everything to play with my head. So many lies for me that in my heart I want to believe that as some point they break through and will get better but that remains to be seen in my case.
I wish you luck! Keep us posted.
I try really hard to stay away from following my heart right now because I know that it is emotionally tied to my cah and that causes everything to play with my head. So many lies for me that in my heart I want to believe that as some point they break through and will get better but that remains to be seen in my case.
I wish you luck! Keep us posted.
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
now, you got me when you said something about someone wiser, i don't know about that part. just want to share me.
i came here totally with this kind of stuff on my mind, this is what almost drove me insane. i was doing pretty good with all the other addictive behavior, but i just couldnt get past what i thought was the cheating part, even though my rah denied it, to me, it was just plain true in my mind. my obsessive thoughts were killing me, so i decided that i didn't have to know. since i couldn't believe my rah said, and got tired of trying to keep up with his every move in my head, i decided that i was gonna take what i believed, whether true or not, and figure out how i was gonna work through that. it became all about me and what i needed to do to keep myself sane and myself safe, emotionally, financially and physically. i had to start by not allowing myself to keep allowing those thought to flow freely through my head.
maybe its time to accept the fact that he's an addict and that addicts lie, steal, and sometimes cheat. this is just what addicts do. maybe it time to take the focus completely off him and what he's doing and put it solely on you and what you are going to do to make you feel better. it may have not been the right thing for me to do or feel at the time, but i decided that what i don't know won't hurt, as long as i make sure i kept myself protected. hope some of this makes sense, i know that its hard and i do feel like this may sound kind of weak, but this is what helped me to began to make so kind of sense out of my own life. i guess i had to step back and ask myself, NOW WHAT DO I DO but one step at a time, keep moving forward. keeping you and yours in my prayers
i came here totally with this kind of stuff on my mind, this is what almost drove me insane. i was doing pretty good with all the other addictive behavior, but i just couldnt get past what i thought was the cheating part, even though my rah denied it, to me, it was just plain true in my mind. my obsessive thoughts were killing me, so i decided that i didn't have to know. since i couldn't believe my rah said, and got tired of trying to keep up with his every move in my head, i decided that i was gonna take what i believed, whether true or not, and figure out how i was gonna work through that. it became all about me and what i needed to do to keep myself sane and myself safe, emotionally, financially and physically. i had to start by not allowing myself to keep allowing those thought to flow freely through my head.
maybe its time to accept the fact that he's an addict and that addicts lie, steal, and sometimes cheat. this is just what addicts do. maybe it time to take the focus completely off him and what he's doing and put it solely on you and what you are going to do to make you feel better. it may have not been the right thing for me to do or feel at the time, but i decided that what i don't know won't hurt, as long as i make sure i kept myself protected. hope some of this makes sense, i know that its hard and i do feel like this may sound kind of weak, but this is what helped me to began to make so kind of sense out of my own life. i guess i had to step back and ask myself, NOW WHAT DO I DO but one step at a time, keep moving forward. keeping you and yours in my prayers
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
((((booklover))))
I can really feel your pain....I know it is difficult to sort out your feelings right now.
The only thing you can control in this is your thoughts. I believe we cannot control our feelings though. Maybe some deep breaths while sitting quitely with focus on breathing to help quiten your mind. Your mind is what is doing the crazy making here I think. Your feeling are real and acknowledging them will most likely keep you on track. Try to distungish the differnce between your thoughts and your feelings...and let go of any thoughts of blame cause when we blame someone else for our experience we cannot full experience what we are going thru....
I can really feel your pain....I know it is difficult to sort out your feelings right now.
The only thing you can control in this is your thoughts. I believe we cannot control our feelings though. Maybe some deep breaths while sitting quitely with focus on breathing to help quiten your mind. Your mind is what is doing the crazy making here I think. Your feeling are real and acknowledging them will most likely keep you on track. Try to distungish the differnce between your thoughts and your feelings...and let go of any thoughts of blame cause when we blame someone else for our experience we cannot full experience what we are going thru....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Nashville, TN
Posts: 52
I thank you all for your posts. I still haven't sorted out what all this means but I know I have to find a way to keep it from controlling my daily thoughts. I won't go to TX or FL as I shouldn't leave my little ones with a sitter so I can monitor him because the fact of the matter is, he will be out on the road in a few weeks again and I can't follow him around everywhere. If he is going to cheat with an ex or work on his 13th step, I can't stop him. I know that. What I want is to know about it when it happens which seems impossible, I guess. I am always looking for proof of something "bad enough" to divorce him. I know that sounds so awful. What is more awful is that he gave me dozens of reasons to leave him with good cause for years and I didn't. And even worse, I still love him and don't want to leave him half the time which makes me feel like a guest on the Jerry Springer show...ya know, "But I love him Jerry!" in response to how she had put up with all this **** and not left him.
Just now beginning to understand the depths of my codie issues. You can trust I will be around this board a lot for the next few years.
Just now beginning to understand the depths of my codie issues. You can trust I will be around this board a lot for the next few years.
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