Sorry This Is A Long One As Returns
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
Sorry This Is A Long One As Returns
As Has Been Out Staying With 15 Year Old Agf, (hes Almost 20) For About Three Weeks Now. He Shows Up At Our Lake Cabin Saturday Night About 11pm. Hes Distraught, No Shoes, And Says Hes Never Using Again. He And Agf Got Into A Fight She Hit Him He Grabbed Her Pushed Her Down, She Burned His Clothes Etc, Etc. Never Seeing Her Agian . Anyway We Say Go To Bed Well Talk Tommorrow. Tommorrow Comes He Sleeps Till 1pm. Gets Up And Says He Has To Talk To His Boss. I Assume He Was Supposed To Work At 8am. Anyway, About 4pm I Get A Call From My Other House Which I Just Changed The Locks On, How He Got In I Don't Know, Hes Crying Telling Me If I Don't Give His Cell Phone Back Hes Going To Kill Himself, No Body Loves Him, Hes Got Nowhere To Go, Hes A Failure, He Doesn't Want To Deal With Life Etc, Etc, Etc. We Say Wait Were Comming Home. About 40 Minutes. We Get There, Lay Out Our Boundaries About Helping, Halfway House, Or Our House With No Using Friends Contact, Meeting Attendance, No Drug Use. No 15 Year Old Agf. Or He Can Leave Town Live With Relatives Same Boundaries. He Dosent Want These Boundaries. Wants To Get His Ged Enroll In College, Quack,quack. I Tell Him Hes Obviously Not Ready And Needs To Leave, He Says Ill Show You How Ready I Am And Starts For The Place I Keep A Gun In The Other Room. I Chase Him And Wrestle Him To The Ground, The First Time Ive Ever Gotten The Least Bit Physical. His Mother Threatend To Call 911. He Stole About 5 Pair Of Hiss Brothers Boxers And Left. We Sleep None. Pray Alot. Worried He May Actually Kill Himself, Not Really But The Thought Won' Go Away. Any Suggestions
Thanks
Lake Time
Thanks
Lake Time
grateful rca
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: atlanta, ga.
Posts: 4,671
sounds like a like a tantrum to me, gotta have it his way, but just in case, could you get him to see a doctor, if not, maybe the next time, call 911 and see if they won't take him to er. keeping you and your son in my prayers
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Next time he wants to kill himself over a cell phone... call the hospital and the police and have him taken in for a psych exam. The threat of doing that stopped that bs from my daughter... and I WOULD follow through.
Locked out means locked out... if he is in your home - that sounds like breaking and entering to me. Perhaps another phone call to the police would be in order.
A little time in jail might make YOUR conditions sound darned nice in comparison.
His behavior is absolutely normal for active addiction. He is not a bad son... he is an addicted son. Alanon helps me to remember that. You might consider attending about 6 meetings to see if they can help you.
Locked out means locked out... if he is in your home - that sounds like breaking and entering to me. Perhaps another phone call to the police would be in order.
A little time in jail might make YOUR conditions sound darned nice in comparison.
His behavior is absolutely normal for active addiction. He is not a bad son... he is an addicted son. Alanon helps me to remember that. You might consider attending about 6 meetings to see if they can help you.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: In
Posts: 561
Laketime- Sorry to hear what your going through, my 21 yr old daughter is the addict in my life. It's hell watching your child being controled by drugs. Sorry I really don't have any answers for you I come here for help myself. Just know your not alone an there are alot of wise people on here that can help.. If only we could love them back to normal... Sending prayers your way
Get Caught Reading
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Not in the boonies, thank God
Posts: 1,410
((((Laketime))))
Your son sounds alot like my son, and other sons and daughters that, we here at soberrecovery, are dealing with. I feel for ya. I really do.
My son has threatened/is still threatening when things aren't going his way.
I don't know what makes them like that. I guess the drugs and the feelings of helplessness they suffer from.
I know when my son called me while I was away on vacation, and told me he'd been in my house, I just knew that things were never going to be the same. The devil had taken my son.
I did have him arrested and he did spend 6 months in jail for it.
All to no avail. He still hasn't hit rock bottom, and continues his addictive behavior and using alcohol and pot. The 6 month sentence did help him kick the introvenous heroin addiction, and I thank God daily for that, yet he's headed for a mental breakdown with everything else he has going on in his life.
I couldn't live with it anymore, but am clued in almost daily about his goings on.
I just want you to know that your not alone.
I hope you've tried alanon/naranon meetings. Being in the same room with people who've been there, makes a world of difference. I get support when able, and come here regularly. Also, I read literature on recovery, addiction, and relationships.
Stay strong and set boundries you can live with.
As far as the 15 yo gf...
I'da had to put a stop to that a long time ago.
My son stole my car once and drove to Kentucky with the 17 yo girl that lived across the street from us. She was addicted to cocaine.
He was 24 at the time. He was pulled over and arrested for DUI and the drugs they had on them disappeared. Don't ask me. Guess the police were more interested in them.
I left him there for 6 days, bailed him out, and brought him back to my house. The dad across the street came over and yelled at my son, but didn't press charges. Thank God. He could have faced kidnapping charges.
When will it end? Only God knows. You have to learn to give it up to Him.
Take care of you, and the rest of your family. Your all in my thoughts and prayers.
Linda
Your son sounds alot like my son, and other sons and daughters that, we here at soberrecovery, are dealing with. I feel for ya. I really do.
My son has threatened/is still threatening when things aren't going his way.
I don't know what makes them like that. I guess the drugs and the feelings of helplessness they suffer from.
I know when my son called me while I was away on vacation, and told me he'd been in my house, I just knew that things were never going to be the same. The devil had taken my son.
I did have him arrested and he did spend 6 months in jail for it.
All to no avail. He still hasn't hit rock bottom, and continues his addictive behavior and using alcohol and pot. The 6 month sentence did help him kick the introvenous heroin addiction, and I thank God daily for that, yet he's headed for a mental breakdown with everything else he has going on in his life.
I couldn't live with it anymore, but am clued in almost daily about his goings on.
I just want you to know that your not alone.
I hope you've tried alanon/naranon meetings. Being in the same room with people who've been there, makes a world of difference. I get support when able, and come here regularly. Also, I read literature on recovery, addiction, and relationships.
Stay strong and set boundries you can live with.
As far as the 15 yo gf...
I'da had to put a stop to that a long time ago.
My son stole my car once and drove to Kentucky with the 17 yo girl that lived across the street from us. She was addicted to cocaine.
He was 24 at the time. He was pulled over and arrested for DUI and the drugs they had on them disappeared. Don't ask me. Guess the police were more interested in them.
I left him there for 6 days, bailed him out, and brought him back to my house. The dad across the street came over and yelled at my son, but didn't press charges. Thank God. He could have faced kidnapping charges.
When will it end? Only God knows. You have to learn to give it up to Him.
Take care of you, and the rest of your family. Your all in my thoughts and prayers.
Linda
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Texarkana, Texas
Posts: 585
I think you can have someone who has threatened suicide committed without their consent. My experience is that people who threaten suicide don't do it and really hae no intention of doing it. People who commit suicide dont'talk abotu it beforehand. Although, with an addict you never know.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: twilight zone,usa
Posts: 3,909
you & your son & family are in my prayers. i know you are worried about your son but very few carry out suicide. just rest assured none of this is your fault & your can not control his actions.my addict is my son also.what keeps me going sometimes are the 3c's.i did not CAUSE it,i can not CONTROL it,& i can not CURE it.i turn him over to my H.P. & work on myself,my recovery.keep coming back,let us know how things are going.
Let me grow up.
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Lake Charles, LA
Posts: 201
When I first threatened to leave my AGF about 30min laters I found myself having to wrestle away the knife she was holding to her own throat. She claimed she couldn't live without me and would kill herself if I left her. I bought it like an idiot and stayed to endure another year of trials and tribulations.
I guess what I'm trying to say is while you don't want to completely disregard his threats of suicide, sometimes their just that, threats. Addicts are manipulative and what kind of decent human being wouldn't feel dread at the thought of someone close to them harming themselves.
Your situation appears characteristic of a life with an addict and many of us have dealt with similar instances. Keep an eye on him (for what it's worth) but don't worry yourself sick. You were right to set boundaries and try your hardest to enforce them. Without boundaries you'll just be encouraging his reckless behavior. And remember, he's solely responsible for trying to recover. There's nothing you can do. I hope for the best and you're in my prayers.
I guess what I'm trying to say is while you don't want to completely disregard his threats of suicide, sometimes their just that, threats. Addicts are manipulative and what kind of decent human being wouldn't feel dread at the thought of someone close to them harming themselves.
Your situation appears characteristic of a life with an addict and many of us have dealt with similar instances. Keep an eye on him (for what it's worth) but don't worry yourself sick. You were right to set boundaries and try your hardest to enforce them. Without boundaries you'll just be encouraging his reckless behavior. And remember, he's solely responsible for trying to recover. There's nothing you can do. I hope for the best and you're in my prayers.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
Thank You For All Your Post. This Forum Is Such A God Send. For An Update We Heard From Him Today. He Asked His Mother To Put His Alarm Clock In The Mail Box. We Think Hes Back At 15 Year Old Agf With Her Addict Mother And Her Addict Boyfriend. At Least We Know Hes Alive. His Mother Talked To His Boss Who Is In Recovery. He Suggested That He Send As Sons Checks To Us, And We Dole Out Neccessary Expenses. I Don't Think Is Is A Good Ideal. Any Input?
Jujubee Queen
Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Port Charlotte, Florida
Posts: 3,582
laketime,
I too, have lived through the scenarios of knives, guns, the threats of suicide. Finally, I arrived at a point where it was affecting MY sanity, and I turned it over to my H.P. knowing HE could do a much better job of watching over my 2 A sons than I ever could. It sure is scary though, accepting, and turning it over.
As for you handling his finances, it never worked well for me, and it IS his responsiblity, not yours. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but the choice is yours.
Hugs, from one parent to another.
I too, have lived through the scenarios of knives, guns, the threats of suicide. Finally, I arrived at a point where it was affecting MY sanity, and I turned it over to my H.P. knowing HE could do a much better job of watching over my 2 A sons than I ever could. It sure is scary though, accepting, and turning it over.
As for you handling his finances, it never worked well for me, and it IS his responsiblity, not yours. Personally, I wouldn't do it, but the choice is yours.
Hugs, from one parent to another.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
Hi Laketime,
My father, during his time as a raging alchoholic, used to threaten suicide quite often. I began calling 911, who is required to admit them for a min stay in a psyc ward.
The way I saw he would either not want to go back and stop making idle threats, or if he was serious, he was where he needed to be.
As far as the money issue, I would stay well away from that. I did that for a while as well, and what that meant was more lying, more argument, more battles concerning my son seeking a means to get drugs. It broke my heart because I knew what he wanted it for.
Prayers that you and your family find peace,
((((hugs))))
Cece
My father, during his time as a raging alchoholic, used to threaten suicide quite often. I began calling 911, who is required to admit them for a min stay in a psyc ward.
The way I saw he would either not want to go back and stop making idle threats, or if he was serious, he was where he needed to be.
As far as the money issue, I would stay well away from that. I did that for a while as well, and what that meant was more lying, more argument, more battles concerning my son seeking a means to get drugs. It broke my heart because I knew what he wanted it for.
Prayers that you and your family find peace,
((((hugs))))
Cece
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: on the lake
Posts: 335
Cece Thats What I Think. Its Either Constant Confrontations Over His Money Or Lying About Where Its Going. Either One Cant Bre Good For Mine Or My Wifes Recovery. As Bad As It Hurts I Think Complete Seperation Is The Best We Can Hope For.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: not sure
Posts: 452
Lake,
It's true that most of us have experienced our addicts' threats of suicide. It worked for me in early stages. Sometimes they don't want to live a life as it is, so it's always possible that something could happen. But mostly, it is a form of manipulation. There's no way to know for sure.
One thing I found that helped in that situation was to tell my son that I love him and pray that he never follows through. But should he ever make that choice, I will know that I did everything possible to help him. That kind of puts the responsibility back on them where it belongs and lets them know that they can't blame us if they choose to end life.
Washbe
It's true that most of us have experienced our addicts' threats of suicide. It worked for me in early stages. Sometimes they don't want to live a life as it is, so it's always possible that something could happen. But mostly, it is a form of manipulation. There's no way to know for sure.
One thing I found that helped in that situation was to tell my son that I love him and pray that he never follows through. But should he ever make that choice, I will know that I did everything possible to help him. That kind of puts the responsibility back on them where it belongs and lets them know that they can't blame us if they choose to end life.
Washbe
Member
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: In a State of Grace
Posts: 100
Dear LakeTime,
Excellent advice up above me. Everyone said exactly what I was thinking. My RABF threatened suicide with me too. I didn't fall for it because at the time I had just started reading "The Manipualtive Child" by E.W. Swihart Jr., M.D. & Patrick Cotter, Ph.D. It has really helped me see what he has been doing and how I have contributed to the dance. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict so I saw myself in that book also. What he is doing is ALL manipulation. Everything.
The members above me are right about the money issue also. When my RABF first got together he gave me his paycheck because we became a "couple". But, all he did was ask for bits and pieces of it back throughout the week because he "owed" somebody who he forgot he "owed". Or, he "lost" his money. Pretty soon I was loaning him $20.00 here and there until payday. He always payed me back but the realization after I found out about the crack addiction that I had been taking care of a man literally made me sick. I still can't believe I fell for it.
One of the most important things I heard on this forum that has helped me was when Ann said "Hands off the Addict, Hands off their recovery".
We lost our old messages so I can't tell who said it but another one that helped me was "When you're helping them you're hurting them, When you're helping them you're hurting them, When you're helping them you're hurting them." I say that one A LOT too!!!
Good Luck and Best Wishes to you and your wife,
Lithloren
Excellent advice up above me. Everyone said exactly what I was thinking. My RABF threatened suicide with me too. I didn't fall for it because at the time I had just started reading "The Manipualtive Child" by E.W. Swihart Jr., M.D. & Patrick Cotter, Ph.D. It has really helped me see what he has been doing and how I have contributed to the dance. I am a recovering alcoholic/addict so I saw myself in that book also. What he is doing is ALL manipulation. Everything.
The members above me are right about the money issue also. When my RABF first got together he gave me his paycheck because we became a "couple". But, all he did was ask for bits and pieces of it back throughout the week because he "owed" somebody who he forgot he "owed". Or, he "lost" his money. Pretty soon I was loaning him $20.00 here and there until payday. He always payed me back but the realization after I found out about the crack addiction that I had been taking care of a man literally made me sick. I still can't believe I fell for it.
One of the most important things I heard on this forum that has helped me was when Ann said "Hands off the Addict, Hands off their recovery".
We lost our old messages so I can't tell who said it but another one that helped me was "When you're helping them you're hurting them, When you're helping them you're hurting them, When you're helping them you're hurting them." I say that one A LOT too!!!
Good Luck and Best Wishes to you and your wife,
Lithloren
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