Am I in withdrawl from AH????

Old 03-07-2007, 05:33 PM
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Question Am I in withdrawl from AH????

Hey guys,

I haven't been on in awhile; I have read a little but just didn't feel like posting. I have been in a funk for a few days. I think I am in withdrawl....Is there such a thing?

AH was gone when we got back on Sunday. He doesn't have my phone number so he can't call. He us under an Order of Protection so he can't come around. The business is closed up tight.

For the first time in 25 years, I don't know where he is living or what he is doing. I haven't seen or heard from him since Friday. I know that he is very depressed and that worries me.

I thought that I was so prepared for this, what in the world is going on with me? I don't want him back, but I am going nutz not knowing if he's OK.

People ask me how I am doing, and I start tearing up. I keep listening to dopey country songs. I don't even LIKE country music!!!

All I wanted for all those months was for him to be gone so we could have some peace. Now he is and I can't figure out why I feel like this. Any suggestions or enlightenment from my SR family?

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Old 03-07-2007, 05:41 PM
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(((Hugs to you !)))

I know how you feel.......we get sooo fed up with them and their behavior that we just want them gone, but when they ARE gone we feel lousy.

I left my AH, and felt sad, lonely, confused.....thought I had made a mistake in moving out ...went back for a bit and right now feel the EXACT SAME MISERY and frustration I felt when I lived with him before. I plan on leaving for good this time.

Let whatever feelings you are having right now wash over gentle with yourself. None of this happened overnight and our recovery is not going to happen overnight either (no matter how much we may want it to.)

I think we get so used to the chaos of living with them, that when they are not there we don't know what to do with the calmness/peace.

Much love to you.
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Old 03-07-2007, 05:52 PM
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Hey, Duet,

Same thing happened to was a little sick, considering all of the absolutely horrible things I had gone through with my XABF...and we only knew each other 7 years, not 25! But those thought patterns were deep within me, like a set of ruts that are carved into a roadbed.

You have had a long time to get used to the patterns and habits that go along with being with him. They're ingrained in you, percolated down into your brain. When you think about that, it's never surprising to feel a little lost when you break that set of habits -- even a horrible habit like an abusive addict! -- and try a new way of living that might be better.

For me, while I was in it, my relationship was like my container, and I was like a liquid. Without the painful shell holding me in place, controlling my feelings, I felt like I was spilling all over the place for a while.

Maybe you just need to give it some time, and concentrate hard on rebuilding a better life for you and your family, getting back the relaxation and the joy in life that addiction tried to take from you. Old habitual thoughts are stubborn and hang on for a long time....and anyway, it's not like you want him to just disappear from the face of the earth. He's another human being, with whom you have some history, and I think it's normal to wonder if he's okay.

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Old 03-07-2007, 06:17 PM
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Thanks for the input, lilac and GL.

What you are saying makes perfect sense. I guess it's really not so surprising to feel like this. It just really caught me off guard.

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Old 03-07-2007, 06:20 PM
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I understand your feelings, i've been through that last year when i kicked my boyfriend of 6 years out of the house. I didn't know what he was up to & where he was for one month + and that drove me insane!
Fortunately i went travelling during that time for work & holidays so it helped keep my mind off him, it is very difficult when you're so used to have your loved one around...yet it is necessary to take a step back sometimes, to ponder things. Try to take it as a chance to have some time for you, do things with friends, family etc...

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Old 03-07-2007, 07:07 PM
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Hi Jen,
Well, first thing...STAY AWAY from the country music!

When my son went to rehab I thought I would be in heaven. In a way I was, because I knew he was safe.
But the sudden absence of drama sent me into a tailspin.
I had become so used to dealing with his issues, worrying daily, and fixing and trying to control, when it finally ceased, I didn't know where to turn.
I felt that way for a good while...even after he stopped using.
Everything seemed to have returned to normal...but what WAS my normal?
And to make matters worse, I had no one to evaluate but me...and that can be tough.
Trust in his HP for now...he's in his sights.
And trust in yours to lead you through this change.
My best to you
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:20 PM
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I can so relate.sometimes the quiet can be deafening...listen to yourself. I just read over Ann's sticky on 12 steps of co-dependence. It's a good reminder.
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:26 PM
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That sticky is 12 steps, 12 promises, something like is really good.
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:28 PM
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I know I have said this before, but it isn't the not knowing that makes me is the need to know. When I need to know about someone else, I am not focused on myself and my own life and my own business.

I know what addicts do. I know what addicts are. When I dig around in their business......just because I "want to know the truth"..... I am just going to find out things that will make ME feel bad. It is really self-defeating behavior.

I say, "Mind your own business, Babs!" a thousand times a day. It is really, really hard for me to do, but the better I get at it, the better I seem to feel about myself.

Try to recognize the habit for what it is.....Your ego's attempt to keep you down and make you feel worthless for caring for someone who is unworthy.

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Old 03-07-2007, 08:59 PM
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i agree that maybe you should stay away from the country music, take this time to focus more on you. maybe you could think about it this way, it don't have to be forever unless you choose it to be, try to do what you need to do to get through each individual day, sometimes when you look at things futuristically(?) it makes it so much harder. i know how you feel and i know how hard it can be to not know, but i believe that in time, you'll will know all you need to know and then some. give it time, focus on you.

remember that if something were to happen to him, you'd probably be the first to know, so no news could also be good news. maybe this will be just to push that he needs to really want recovery and fight to keep it. maybe this little break will give you some time to redecover you, and who knows, it maybe what saves his life. i just believe in miracles. keeping you and your family in my prayers
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Old 03-08-2007, 06:55 AM
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I think you're feelings are normal, kind of a grieving process. Keep busy, read a good book, plan things to do with the kids, etc. Time heals. Things will get better with a little time.

I've never filed for divorce, so I can't share experience from that perspective, but my AH has been in prison now since March of last year. I remember how tough the beginning of being alone was. It does get better.
Sending (((HUGS))) from NC.
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