Cindi R

Although there were times...I knew that it would be easier for me and the kids if he were "gone from the face of the earth"...
I was told in my program to pray for him to have all the things that I wanted for myself.
Sobriety, a happy life, a heathy relationship with his children...
I'm not sure that those prayers ever helped him to achieve those things...but I know that it helped me to be able to let go and let God have the final responsibility for the outcome.
Sometimes I had to repeat the serenity prayer over and over and over again...
Today, I do have peace and serenity, I am no longer addicted to the conflict and drama that had become so familiar...

Zoey

I do not know what i am talking about, but is the car in her name only?? Have you asked your lawyer about getting the car away from her?/?? Couldn't you call the police and report her lic as a prob drunk driver??? Maybe you have??.
I cannot remember, do you have a lawyer??

guyinNC

We are now separated. The car she bought is in her name, the insurance transferred to her name.

I have no liability. I still feel like I should turn her into the police. But she has court next Tuesday, and I hope they take her drivers license.

She is out somewhere drinking, forgetting, killing her pain. Making me suffer and the kids hurt.

She is need of mental and physical help....but does not know it. I am afraid the next news I hear from her will be bad.

ASpouse

No, hate has a way of coming back to bite you in the rear! Love her, love her enough to allow her to hit her bottom, love her enough to take care of your children and help your children through this. Because if she makes it, and she probably will over time, she will need her girls and they will need her. I know it's hard to believe but I believe it will happen this way.

Do not hate her ..... she is suffering from alcohol addiction.

guyinNC

I hope she is O.K.

cwohio

((guy)) i pray she is too - saying a prayer for peace for you today!

splendra

(((Guy)))

I know it really does seem like she is making you worry and suffer. I am reminded of when I came to the realization that no one makes me be anything. I always have a choice no matter what the situation is. I know you are very concerned for your wife and you want so much for her to choose her family instead of drinking.

The reverse psycology of this is to stop being so concerned about what she is doing because it really does take from her the ability to get concerned about what she is doing. If you are calling around trying to find out what she is doing she probably knows this and sees as you taking responsibility for her actions. If she has a chance to think that you do not care what she does that will more likely cause her to snap than her getting messages that you are calling around looking for her. I cannot guareentee that it will turn her around for you to get detached about what she is doing but, I am pretty sure you will feel better.

It's kinda like a tug of war with you both holding an end of the rope if you let go it could cause her to loose her balance and fall cause she will be tugging hard on the other end. With you tugging back it gives her balance. But, if you do not let go eventually she will have both ends of the rope she will have you on a string and you will the button that is on the string and she will wind up the string and pull and I the button go back and forth getting you very dizzy they keep winding up the string and pulling on both ends until us the buttons decide we have had enough of going back and forth and round and round getting dizzy....I hope this helps...

FriendofBill

Pain is enevitable,
Suffering is optional.

Have you joined Al-anon yet?

robina

How do we keep loving and caring about the person who is doing such terrible damage to themselves? How do we do this when we are hurting so much?

That's a hard question... I'm still working on it myself... I'm learning how to detach with love as I progress through my own recovery. I found that the more I work my Alanon 12 steps, the more I go to my counsellor, the more I read Alanon and co-dependency books, and the more I focus on my own peace of mind, the better I am able to detach with love.

Still, it's a hard road.

Robin

guyinNC

FOB, I went by the meeting last night. I could not stay, I had to pick up my little girl from dance. I will try to find someway to make the next meeting. I know I have to detach, to let go. I am listening to all your advice. I know its is good and true. It is just so hard, I am the rescuer and the fixer.

Thank you Splendra. I know what you say is true. I hope she decides soon she has hit bottom and wants help. If she calls and that she wants help, I will tell her she will have to agree to check into a rehad for detox....and that I will take her there.

Do you think this is the correct thing to do? Assuming she calls, assuming she wants help?

TomsGirl

The rehab hospital my husband went to requires that HE calls and asks for detox treatment. I nor anyone else can call and ask for him. Then they will come and pick him up and bring him in. I then brought him clothes and such that he would need during his stay. I don't know if what is available to you in your area would work the same way. But yes, it's so hard to just sit and wait for them to hit that rock bottom but it's the only way.

guyinNC

She has insurance...I pay for it. She also just received money from our separation agreement. If she does not have enough, I will help pay for it...so will her family. She is not alone, she has people who love and care for her. She has shut herself off from the family.

She was in Rehab this summer...where she went then would take her in immediately, I have been told. There are also psych units in two nearby hospitals.

The kids seem O.K. They do not seem to miss her. They are doing well in school, all A's, dance, playing with their friends. I know they have to be hurting on the inside. I will try to get them into some counseling first of the year. There is no Ala-Teen group in my town. I do not want them to take this baggage into the future.

I wa hoping my wife was getting better, and we could go as a family to counseling, and then let it branch of into individual.

But my wife countinues her downward spiral. I just hope she does not ruin Christmas for the kids.

God I want to save her. Its the Boy Scout in me.

pmaslan

She can't ruin their Christmas.......
Well, she can, if you let her........
Keep the kids safe and away from the madness......
Glad to hear you are considering counseling after the first of the year.....

FriendofBill

If love alone could do it, you couldve saved her by now.
It cant.

What you can do for her, you, and the kids is to get healthy now yourself. All this obsessing over what shes doing, when is she gonna bottom out, how you can get her to rehab is sapping the energy and happiness from your life, the energy you could be giving your kids, yourself in pursing your own dreams.

The slogan "Live........and let live" means we get to live a good life while we let others live the one they are choosing.

I love someone who is drinking right now...and I hate it. I absoultely detest it and today is a pretty sad crappy day for me,,,,and I am on the computer now trying to plan my and my son'd Christmas trip to see my niece. I am making a plan to help me have a happy Christmas...whether he is drinking or not. I wish the Christmas could be spent with him, sober and healthy, but it cant. So I have to do thenext right thing, even tho I dont want to. I have to...otherwise I will be miserable.

And that just isnt an option today.

robina

Yes, we desperately want to save them, and as long as we believe we can cure them, we will continue to suffer. It's only when we fully admit our powerlessness (step 1), that we can begin to have some small amount of peace. You can't fix her, but you can heal you.

That's what loving detachment is. You can learn to love her, without accepting repsonsibility for making her better.

You're a good guy. And you're trying to do the right thing. It's just that this disease turns everything upside-down. If we truly love the alcoholics in our life, we will allow them to make their own decsions, and we will allow them to experience the consequences of those decsions. It hurts us to watch them suffer, but it's the best thing for the alcoholic.

Robin

Cindi R

The insanity continues...
it's just not in MY living room any longer.
My son went to ask his dad what he'd like for X-mas last night. At 9:00 "they were all wasted"...The new wife was passed out on the couch and my exAH was drinking with her kids...not making any sense whatsoever, my son thought it was funny, I just think it's sad...

elizabeth1979

Very wise FOB..

guyinNC

FOB, all you guys...thanks for the kind words and wisdom you have shared.

I am going to let go. I went out at lunch and bought the book, " Codependent No More". Hope it gives me a few extra tips.

On the way back, I started to get angry at Her. Normal, I suppose. I know she is sick and locked into this illness. But I'm tired of worrying about her.

A friend said, look at what she does, not what she says. He said he knows plenty of alcoholics, who choose not to drink, not to have affairs, not to ignore their kids, Not to drive drunk, Not to Blame their Husband, Not to Blame their Dad, Not to waste their Money.

My wife has done all these, in spite of a loving family, great kids, the best rehab we could afford, and loads of friends giving her advice.

Now its up to her, God, and the NC Court System.

Merry Christmas my friends. I'm sure you will have hear me whine again soon, I know I will need some more advice and shoulders to cry on. But I am going to try and live again.

I think I'm getting the kids a puppy for Christmas!

Cindi R

Good for you!
Have a VERY Merry Christmas...
****{Guy}}}

cwohio

whine away guy - that's why we're all here!