TomsGirl

My AH, I'll call him T, is drinking again. My "codie instincts" have been screaming inside my head for the last couple of days. In the middle of the night last night they got the better of me and I did a bottle search. Found it hidden under the dog's bed. Almost a whole bottle gone and my guess is, since he's under house arrest and his trips into the outside world are limited, that he bought the bottle on Wednesday. So he's been drinking since then and I think of all the talks between us since that day. What I think of most are all the lies that have come out of his mouth soooooo smoothly during those days. They hurt so much and my heart just can't take them anymore.

I thought the remote breathalizer the court ordered was a good thing. I assume it's picking up on the drinking but I don't know when they would act on the findings. Immediately or will they wait until his next court appearance on January 19th. That's the dilemma I'm currently in. Do I wait or do I take the initiative and call his Probabtion Officer and tell him it's over and I want him out. Either way the final result for him will be jail. I guess it depends on if I want to see him taken away in handcuffs from this house. It's how I saw my first husband leave here. And it's how my son saw his father leave too. For my son's sake I can wait. Of course they may come and get him sooner, I don't know.

As for me I will just let it go on as is. It's out of my hands and the courts will do what they will. And I won't encourage the "words" anymore, the lies. I'm usually the one who has to start the conversations anyway. I'll continue to go to my weekly meetings and I'll get it all out of my system there.

But the final analysis is that I am done. Off to jail he will go and off to a lawyer to file for divorce I will go. I'm a very optimistic person by nature but I pride myself on knowing when to give up and let it go. To quote a post that I read on this board "It stops when you stop it". I choose to stop what I have the power to stop and that's removing him, his addiction, and all the nasty consequences of it out of my life. Thank God there are no children between us and no financial anything. I will just write-off as bad debt all the money I've thrown his way for one reason or another. Getting MY life back is what's most important and most valuable to me.

Thanks

lonlion

Wow, this must be so hard on you. You sound like you are well aware of your choices, even though they suck so close to Christmas.

I don't know the situation with your H, but if he is on house arrest, I can imagine.
You sound so strong. Are you that strong? Of course this must tear you up inside, especially if you had to deal with this with your first husband as well. The lies, the deception hurt so much. You do sound very knowledgeable about codependancy issues, and seem aware of the situation. Going to a meeting will help you, so you are doing the right things for you.

Please take care and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Diana

Gideon

Hi,

I always stray into this board from the alcoholism board where I belong. I have followed your posts for the last week or so and all I can say is that I was sad reading this morning's news. You are really involved and any of us addicts would be lucky to have someone that cares so much and wants to help out. You seem like a really stand up person. I hope this works out for you whatever choice you make.

I call it policy by Boston Herald, meaning that most probation departments when someone is on the bracelet are worried that a probationeer upon relapse will commit a crime that makes the news. Chances are he would be in custody now for a positive, but that is just a guess. Best of luck and wish you strength at this difficult time.

Regards

PS I can't understand what makes us relapse, we got about a foot of snow here north of the city and it reminded me of cancelled college classes when we would have a keg party, I was actually feeling nostalgic, go figure.

Jazzman

Wow TG, sorry to hear that news... I'm very familier w/ dissapointment after dissapointment. Good luck w/ the raod ahead.

TomsGirl

Thanks Donna and Gideon. My thought is they know about the positive as the machine has always gone off for a breath check between 6 and 8 AM. Today it hasn't gone off. What's the point? They are only looking for one positive and once they find one why go through the farce of doing additional checks. Perhaps the police will show up today, I don't know.

Am I strong? I don't know but I do know I have the ability to admit when to stop fighting a losing battle. His addiction was around long before me and as we all know it is a beast of unrelenting proportions. My heart is so weary and all the lies that have been spoken to me under the guise of love has cut my heart into a million pieces. I alone have the power to sew it back up and protect it from anymore injury. Rather than sit around and wish for what just cannot be I choose to take a deep breath, move on with MY life, and not look back. Like that saying "What does not kill us makes us stronger". I am just so thankful that I don't have all those nasty "ties that bind". I don't "need" him, I never did. I just wanted him. But I don't want the addict and since I know I can't have one without the other I choose to stop wanting.

TomsGirl

I must rant and doing so here keeps me from doing it at T. He just got off the phone with his sponsor. Since he can't attend meetings everyday they have agreed to keep in contact on his non-meeting days. "Everything is fine. What was covered during yesterdaty's meeting. blah, blah, blah." That guy of mine can lie like a rug!!! I also heard him mentioning to his sponsor that the remote breathalizer hasn't gone off today. Hmmmmm...I wonder if that's worrying him.

I'm keeping my distance from him today. Keeping my own space. He thinks I'm just tired from another night of insomnia. Fine, that works for me. Actually, I'm in what I call "numb" mode. My emotions are a flat line right now. I have learned to do that in times like this. The emotions will surface when it's safe to do so. But not now, not now.

Thanks

robina

I hear such sadness in your words.

Yes, you do have the power, but that doesn't make it any easier. It's still gonna hurt like hell.

Are you doing anything to take care of yourself, and nurture yourself right now?

(hugs)

Robin

TomsGirl

Yes Robin, there is much sadness in my words as there is so much sadness in my heart. I greive for the hope that has died in me. I greive for the future with T that will not be. I greive for the drowning man that I cannot help because he himself ties the stones to him that make him sink to the bottom.

Thank you for your kind words. They did something to me that allowed me to cry for a while and I needed to let those tears loose. And not to worry, I have learned to take very good care of myself. Thanks

equus

Don't ive up the hope TG - just the expectations that like to tag along with it. I'm so sorry this has happened - I wish I had some well thought out advice but I don't.

Just take care and don't lose hope - we need it, all of us.

guyinNC

My heart goes out to you TG. I hope God changes his life, but I'm so glad you are changing yours! Be brave!

Zoey

Sad for you, this is all so hard. Just sending HUGS.

drugaddictedbro

Sorry that all this has been happening to you, i am dealing with more of the same thing if you wanna chat some time leave me a message

drugaddictedbro

Hey if anyone would read my post and try to help me i am really stuck right like tomsgirl said i am kinda in "numb mode"

minnie

(((tomsgirl)))

Almost exactly a year ago I came to the same decision. Like your hubby, R was purporting to be serious about his recovery in AA, including posting what seemed to be meaningful stuff on here. It was all a sham. I realise now that he was only going through the motions so that I wouldn't leave him. I don't quite understand the thought process that led him to go to meetings, memorise recovery slogans and ideas in order to spout them back at me and maintain contact with members of AA, whilst continuing to drink and lie and all the rest. It wasn't even as if he was really trying and finding it hard going - I don't think he intended to get sober and still isn't.

I understand. Totally.

TomsGirl

Thank you all so much for your kind words and support. Truth be told what frightens me the most is that even the threat of jail didn't stop him. He'll end up there, in the count jail I assume and it's a nasty place. The two times he was arrested for dui he was in small towns with what I call "Mayberry" jails. The county jail is over crowded and a horrible place. The thought of his ending up there frightens me so but the decisions and choices he's made himself will put him there. The ghost of Christmas Yet To Come is present in my head and unlike Scrooge I cannot change these visions. If you offer prayers please pray for him. I'll be sad but safe and surrounded by a loving family. He is so "untough" and such a wisp of a thing, you could break him in two.

cwohio

((TG)) i can't add anything to what has been said above except i know the hurt you are feeling too. i will say prayers for both of you!

BlueMoon

I just want to speak to this:
Do I wait or do I take the initiative and call his Probabtion Officer and tell him it's over and I want him out. Either way the final result for him will be jail.

Whether you decide to call or not, please, please keep in mind that HIS consequences ARE NOT YOUR FAULT.

I've been in kind of similar situations with my (now EX-) AH - --
it's an awful feeling, a yechy situation - I decided to let myself decide on a DAILY BASIS - oh heck, an HOURLY basis if need be - do I call the authorities or not?? Do I kick him out the door or not???

I HAD to quit thinking "What am I doing to him?!?"
and START thinking "What CAN I do FOR ME?"

Like your AH, my ex-AH was totally aware of the consequences, intimately familiar with the county jail - I finally realized that it was not my job to protect him, to make things easier for him. Not at the cost of destroying myself.

MY ex-AH is currently in state prison. Maybe there he can learn what he couldn't learn in the county jail. I don't know. All I know is he'll have to learn it WITHOUT ME.

Hang in there. Being brave does not mean you're not afraid. Being brave means you're scared to pieces and you do it anyway. ***hugs***

Bright Blessings,
Blue

reader

Hi Tomsgirl, My heart goes out to you. This must be a very difficult time for you. It is hard to think with our heads and not our hearts. It sounds like you know what is the best path for you to follow. What ever you decied to do we are here to support you. Its hard I'm sure to make such a decision right before the holidays but next time he could follow through and really start hitting you. Usally once it gets to that point it gets worse. My prayers are with both him you, you son and your husband. Keep us posted. Just remember you are not alone. With love, Kerry

TomsGirl

he could follow through and really start hitting you
Hitting me??? Oh no! Not my current husband, never, ever in a million years. No violence at all. Not even nasty, mean words. Now my first husband, yes, he was taken out in hand cuffs because he attacked me and he could be one mean SOB.

And as for contacting his PO, I've decided not too. The machine doing the remote breathalizer tests didn't go off once yesterday, nor did it go off this morning before we left. They have their positive test so there's no point in doing anymore. I wouldn't be surprised if they catch up with him on it all today. I hope he knows to call his attorney first and not me.

Thanks everyone, I'll keep you all posted. Now, I guess I should do work!

equus

I hope it goes as well as it can. Hang on in there TG - I don't mean change your decision, just inside yourself - hang on in there!

Try not to fill your head with images of him broken, as real as your worries are you have enough to deal with in the here and now without tomorrow's too. People can and do surprise us - I sent my crystal ball back as faulty months ago, still tempted to read my own palm though - but it never works!