To Save Her Life? Or just enabling?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I want to send her a card - what to say?
I managed to talk to her today. Called her at the room where she was at.
I asked her if she was ready for help. That I nor anyone else could save her. She said she knew she needed help. Then I said you know what to do, its up to you.
I have a card I want to send her, leave on her car, or something.
The outside of the card is the serenity prayer. What words of wisdom could I put on the inside that would perhaps help?
Any ideas, some of you guys write so well!
I asked her if she was ready for help. That I nor anyone else could save her. She said she knew she needed help. Then I said you know what to do, its up to you.
I have a card I want to send her, leave on her car, or something.
The outside of the card is the serenity prayer. What words of wisdom could I put on the inside that would perhaps help?
Any ideas, some of you guys write so well!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
I agree letting her know she is loved and also that it is not hopeless.
Perhaps also leaving the list of people in AA to call when she is in need of help.
I would then walk away Guy and let her do what she needs to do. It could possibly save her life to hit "her bottom" but one thing I would not do is put the kids into that Chaos again.. there are alot of people/facilities to help her... when she really wants it, then she will go do it.
You cant do it for her.
Perhaps also leaving the list of people in AA to call when she is in need of help.
I would then walk away Guy and let her do what she needs to do. It could possibly save her life to hit "her bottom" but one thing I would not do is put the kids into that Chaos again.. there are alot of people/facilities to help her... when she really wants it, then she will go do it.
You cant do it for her.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I Give Up
She never called back like she said she would....she did not call her parents. She is off somewhere in the night, My wife and her bipolar lesbian friend. Both drinking I'm sure....I hope she is not driving. This can only end badly, I just hope no one else gets hurt.
You are all so right. I give up...I have to walk away, I cannot save her!
If I do not watch out, I will not be able to save me.
She is in the hands of God....or the grip of the devil.....
I hope.............
You are all so right. I give up...I have to walk away, I cannot save her!
If I do not watch out, I will not be able to save me.
She is in the hands of God....or the grip of the devil.....
I hope.............
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
You are all so right. I give up...I have to walk away, I cannot save her!
If I do not watch out, I will not be able to save me.
She is in the hands of God....or the grip of the devil.....
If I do not watch out, I will not be able to save me.
She is in the hands of God....or the grip of the devil.....
grips of the devil is soooo right - i pray that she will reclaim her soul soon!
How Important Is It?
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Cyberia
Posts: 612
Dear Guy -
I understand that anxious, fearful feeling.
I find it really helps a lot to turn to my higher power when I am at home, suffering severe anxiety about my alcoholic daughter. I get a huge amount of comfort from praying and asking God to send angels to protect her when I know she is in harm's way. You can ask your higher power for help no matter what religion you are.
Sometimes that's the only thing we can do.
I am sending a prayer right now for you and your family.
Robin
I understand that anxious, fearful feeling.
I find it really helps a lot to turn to my higher power when I am at home, suffering severe anxiety about my alcoholic daughter. I get a huge amount of comfort from praying and asking God to send angels to protect her when I know she is in harm's way. You can ask your higher power for help no matter what religion you are.
Sometimes that's the only thing we can do.
I am sending a prayer right now for you and your family.
Robin
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by guyinNC
...This can only end badly,......
Get to a meeting, get a sponsor, get your head out of the pity pot and this will end in happiness, joy and freedom. I've had my head in the same pity pot, life smells much better now that I'm out of it.
Mike :-)
Member
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Carrollton, Texas
Posts: 218
Guy - First and foremost please know that for everything you are feeling...We have felt it too. The up swings (I can help her) to the lowest lows (forget it..I can't save her). Everyone is going to have a piece of advice...Stay, Walk Away, Turn her over to your HP, Run..Run Runnn.
I am in no position to tell anyone what to do. I can tell you that I personally had to stay. He's my son. I could and did divorce his daddy...but ya don't divorce your kids. I hung out there when he was at his worst..cause I knew his best. I was there when he was at his lowest...cause I had seen him when he was on top. I helped him up only to be knocked down..Until he was dragging me down in to his rabbit hole of self destruction..his own version of hell on earth. Yes, I did finally walk away. Well drove away actually..with the vision of my son..looking like the walking dead..in my rearview mirror. Was it hard? Well yeah...that was my baby...was it nessessary? YES..both for his "bottom" to be hit and for my well being..both mental and physical. He had stolen, he had lied, he turned in to a person that I didn't know existed. But...we are a success story. My son..my baby is clean and sober now. I enjoy the time I have with him and Jenny (his wife).
Please continue to watch out for yourself. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers..but know that only she is responsible for her actions. You are responsible for the children and yourself. Thats all. Think about one thing....Put yourself in your child's shoes and look through their eyes..Would you want to see your momma...the woman you love most in the world...staggering towards you to give you a sloppy..too hard hug? Wanting to give you a kiss on the cheek, but ends up on your chin with too hot breath that stinks...Who while holding you on her lap, falls asleep right after asking you.."What did you do today"? Hair askew..shadows under her eyes..skin hanging in folds that used to be laugh lines. Look through their eyes...it's scary to see momma like that..to hear her screaming and yelling...Be your child for just a moment...that's should be all that it takes. Keep the babies safe from that.
I am in no position to tell anyone what to do. I can tell you that I personally had to stay. He's my son. I could and did divorce his daddy...but ya don't divorce your kids. I hung out there when he was at his worst..cause I knew his best. I was there when he was at his lowest...cause I had seen him when he was on top. I helped him up only to be knocked down..Until he was dragging me down in to his rabbit hole of self destruction..his own version of hell on earth. Yes, I did finally walk away. Well drove away actually..with the vision of my son..looking like the walking dead..in my rearview mirror. Was it hard? Well yeah...that was my baby...was it nessessary? YES..both for his "bottom" to be hit and for my well being..both mental and physical. He had stolen, he had lied, he turned in to a person that I didn't know existed. But...we are a success story. My son..my baby is clean and sober now. I enjoy the time I have with him and Jenny (his wife).
Please continue to watch out for yourself. Keep her in your thoughts and prayers..but know that only she is responsible for her actions. You are responsible for the children and yourself. Thats all. Think about one thing....Put yourself in your child's shoes and look through their eyes..Would you want to see your momma...the woman you love most in the world...staggering towards you to give you a sloppy..too hard hug? Wanting to give you a kiss on the cheek, but ends up on your chin with too hot breath that stinks...Who while holding you on her lap, falls asleep right after asking you.."What did you do today"? Hair askew..shadows under her eyes..skin hanging in folds that used to be laugh lines. Look through their eyes...it's scary to see momma like that..to hear her screaming and yelling...Be your child for just a moment...that's should be all that it takes. Keep the babies safe from that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
I'm Terrified for her!
I know I have to let go, I know she has to hit her bottom. But i am finding it so hard to do. She has done so much to me, to the kids, to herself....but I do not hate her, I still love her. I do not think our marriage can be saved, that is not even important anymore. I just want her to recover.
She is gone, disappeared...with her bipolar friend, I'm sure drinking. Her friend's significant other said my wife is bad shape. She is in total denial, not facing reality, unable to make good decisions. Her friend is strong willed, on a manic high.
Nothing I can do.
How can I let go and live again? I wish there was a pill, some chant I could say....anything.
Alanon?
She is gone, disappeared...with her bipolar friend, I'm sure drinking. Her friend's significant other said my wife is bad shape. She is in total denial, not facing reality, unable to make good decisions. Her friend is strong willed, on a manic high.
Nothing I can do.
How can I let go and live again? I wish there was a pill, some chant I could say....anything.
Alanon?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Arizona
Posts: 928
(((Guy)))
I agree with what many people say..Get yourself to a meeting..HP has a plan for your wife..
You would be amazed the stories I have heard in open AA meetings and from some of my recoverying A friends of the bottoms that were reached and recovered from..
I agree with what many people say..Get yourself to a meeting..HP has a plan for your wife..
You would be amazed the stories I have heard in open AA meetings and from some of my recoverying A friends of the bottoms that were reached and recovered from..
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 2,333
Guy, I know how hard it is to see the one you love slowly kill themselves.
I spent 20 rides in an ambulance with my ex John in a 15 month time frame.
I know what it is like to be so frightened you fear they will die right before your eyes!
I also know that each time he was detoxed, he went back to drinking,
right before my eyes.
Pray, go to alanon, go to the gym, pray some more and let go....
It really is out of your hands.
I spent 20 rides in an ambulance with my ex John in a 15 month time frame.
I know what it is like to be so frightened you fear they will die right before your eyes!
I also know that each time he was detoxed, he went back to drinking,
right before my eyes.
Pray, go to alanon, go to the gym, pray some more and let go....
It really is out of your hands.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
If our will got done most likely there would not be any active alcoholics or drug addicts. Unfortunatly no matter how much we want them to be clean unless they want it too we are wasting our time, breath, money, vision, and life on someting only they can choose.
Why don't you give yourself a break and start just doing what you can do for yourself and your kids and stop just stop fretting over what she is doing. At least she is not doing it in front of you and the kids be thankful for that....
Why don't you give yourself a break and start just doing what you can do for yourself and your kids and stop just stop fretting over what she is doing. At least she is not doing it in front of you and the kids be thankful for that....
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Litterbox City
Posts: 5,691
(((guy))) i too watched a human life going down the drain - many trips to hospital for seizures and detox and in the end, death. sad, yes - can we go on and live our lives and leave them to their HP, yes.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: Anywhere,USA
Posts: 511
Detachment with love...
is very difficult.
Basically, I had to do this for the sake of my kids. We were both addicts. I chose recovery, he did not. We had been married 20-some years. As I became more healthy I realized how sick our relationship was...he was still using although not in front of me.
When my son and I found his drug stuff in the basement in a toolbox, it became time for him to go for the safety and security of my children. They could have been removed from their home...at that point I was the only responsible parent capable of making rational decisions.
In the months that followed, he became even sicker...
While "we" had only been using..
he now was involved in manufacturing!
I went to his parents and his siblings with that information...because by then I'd filed for divorce.
I never wanted for him to get into really "BIG" trouble...I just didn't want him to self destruct.
As far as I know, he's now drinking. He met a woman and married her 3 months after our divorce was final.
The kids are now old enough to have a relationship with him on their own (16 & 19). I encourage them to see their dad as I believe that kids should have 2 parents who they know loves them.
"We" have no contact.
For me...the "love" was gone. If he had made one effort towards recovery...who knows, things might have turned out much differently...
Maybe I was being selfish, there is that whole thing about "in sickness and in health"...
But you see...it was more than just "me" I was thinking about...it was the kids as well...who were like 12 & 15 at the time when things started getting really ugly.
Don't know if any of this has helped you...
but I think you've got to take care of yourself and those kids first.
is very difficult.
Basically, I had to do this for the sake of my kids. We were both addicts. I chose recovery, he did not. We had been married 20-some years. As I became more healthy I realized how sick our relationship was...he was still using although not in front of me.
When my son and I found his drug stuff in the basement in a toolbox, it became time for him to go for the safety and security of my children. They could have been removed from their home...at that point I was the only responsible parent capable of making rational decisions.
In the months that followed, he became even sicker...
While "we" had only been using..
he now was involved in manufacturing!
I went to his parents and his siblings with that information...because by then I'd filed for divorce.
I never wanted for him to get into really "BIG" trouble...I just didn't want him to self destruct.
As far as I know, he's now drinking. He met a woman and married her 3 months after our divorce was final.
The kids are now old enough to have a relationship with him on their own (16 & 19). I encourage them to see their dad as I believe that kids should have 2 parents who they know loves them.
"We" have no contact.
For me...the "love" was gone. If he had made one effort towards recovery...who knows, things might have turned out much differently...
Maybe I was being selfish, there is that whole thing about "in sickness and in health"...
But you see...it was more than just "me" I was thinking about...it was the kids as well...who were like 12 & 15 at the time when things started getting really ugly.
Don't know if any of this has helped you...
but I think you've got to take care of yourself and those kids first.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
You cant save her life, it is only in the control of Destiny and HER at this point. Interfering with it will only make it worst. Best way to help her is to let her fall hard. If she alone cannot make the decision to help herself, she has set her own path and nobody can stop her from it.
Best just keep your cool, protect your girls, and yourself.
So sorry to hear about your situation, it hurts my heart to read your post.
Best just keep your cool, protect your girls, and yourself.
So sorry to hear about your situation, it hurts my heart to read your post.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
Detachment with love
Thank you all so much. I know I must let go and let God...even though it goes against my nature as Good ole Boy Scout.
How does one do this..."Detachment with Love". I understand the words, I know I have to do this for my own sanity.
How does one achieve this detachment. Go to meetings, pray....any other tricks. Should I just try to hate her for what she has done to me and the kids.
Two beautiful girls, ages 10 and 15....with an alcoholic Mom, so far gone, not careing, not even bothering to call. Off in her own world, drinking, probably driving. God I hope she only kills herself and does not destroy some other family.
How does one do this..."Detachment with Love". I understand the words, I know I have to do this for my own sanity.
How does one achieve this detachment. Go to meetings, pray....any other tricks. Should I just try to hate her for what she has done to me and the kids.
Two beautiful girls, ages 10 and 15....with an alcoholic Mom, so far gone, not careing, not even bothering to call. Off in her own world, drinking, probably driving. God I hope she only kills herself and does not destroy some other family.
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