Who WOULD'NT fall in love with this one!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Originally Posted by babeekj
Yea maybe she found her a priest now she can taint and break away from his church
You may agree or disagree with what Jenna is going through, but making fun of her is totally not cool.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Tyler, Texas
Posts: 1,028
I don't know if I had to pick a side it is the wifes.
Jenna came on here showing her intentions for a married man ..and yes she has intentions read the letter ...no matter what she says to us it's what she says to him
Then she wants support.
I don't support that ..at all
It's disrespect to the man's wife.
Jenna came on here showing her intentions for a married man ..and yes she has intentions read the letter ...no matter what she says to us it's what she says to him
Then she wants support.
I don't support that ..at all
It's disrespect to the man's wife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
Shutterbug if you get this far give yourself a hug - you haven't murdered anyone, and I honestly don't think you've set out to do harm. It's been an internet thing and the internet hasn't been around long enough for us to have the same well worn lines to cross or not cross that we have in other situations. I don't think for a moment you have set out to seduce a married man - but I do think it's a high risk situation for all to get hurt, and I think you also wonder about lines now being crossed. This should have been a safe place to talk.
Cynay (sp?) I think you've shown real courage posting here and your story should help anyone in shutterbug's situation - maybe prevent a few from getting there. But I think you also need to be gentle with yourself, we're the first generation in cyber space and we learn as we go along.
Cynay (sp?) I think you've shown real courage posting here and your story should help anyone in shutterbug's situation - maybe prevent a few from getting there. But I think you also need to be gentle with yourself, we're the first generation in cyber space and we learn as we go along.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Thanks Equus, Minnie and Aspouse....
You know, I have forgiven/asked for forgiveness for that situation.
I wanted to put it out there because I know when your down how easy it is to let things slide .... to not see the forest through the trees and then convience yourself that what is happening is not wrong.
I dont take total responsibility for that situation, He was married, it was his committment and he is/was the most skilled manupilator/Phycopathic lier that I have ever had the horror to meet in my life and he was not even addicted to anything.... WOW what an A he could have been.
SO ... I have been on both sides of the coin, I have been the OW and I have been the one cheated on.... I dont know if I show courage or Im crazy to put that out on this form, but out there it is now and I hope it helps.
You know, I have forgiven/asked for forgiveness for that situation.
I wanted to put it out there because I know when your down how easy it is to let things slide .... to not see the forest through the trees and then convience yourself that what is happening is not wrong.
I dont take total responsibility for that situation, He was married, it was his committment and he is/was the most skilled manupilator/Phycopathic lier that I have ever had the horror to meet in my life and he was not even addicted to anything.... WOW what an A he could have been.
SO ... I have been on both sides of the coin, I have been the OW and I have been the one cheated on.... I dont know if I show courage or Im crazy to put that out on this form, but out there it is now and I hope it helps.
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Hi SHutterbug - Experience, Strength and Hope...
Experience -
My first love was an alcoholic - no surprise, I have since discovered I am drawn to them like flies to ... honey. I fell in love with him after our third date - that should tell you how young I was... barely 17. He told me he was married a few dates later.
I tried to break it off - but not real hard. I was feeling stuff I had NEVER felt before. He did for me what booze does for me... made feel loved, accepted just as I am and beautiful.
We did break it off, but not until after his wife discovered we had been intimate and emotionally involved.
I've seen him since then - in stores and such, I live in a small, small town. And I have to RUN the other way because even 35 years later.... I am still drawn to him.
I know from others that I was not his first affair - and that his wife was an affair he was having during his FIRST marriage. He had a child near the beginning of OUR relationship - can you imagine how that made his wife feel?
The guilt I am left with has been heartwrenching. I do know how she must have felt - but I really just believed "his" version of their life because to not do so would have taken him out of my life.... and at the time, I could not do that.
I have regrets, and have caused irreparable damage to a woman I never knew.
Your situation sounds different in some ways.
I do see a difference in how YOU present the relationship and how HE presents the relationship.
The affair in which I was involved damaged me, and warped my idea of what marriage is and how married people behave.
I am glad you have found the internet to be a tool you can turn to for support... as someone who teaches beginning computer to newbies... just understand things on the internet are not always what they appear to be.
I wish you well and hope you find what you seek.
Experience -
My first love was an alcoholic - no surprise, I have since discovered I am drawn to them like flies to ... honey. I fell in love with him after our third date - that should tell you how young I was... barely 17. He told me he was married a few dates later.
I tried to break it off - but not real hard. I was feeling stuff I had NEVER felt before. He did for me what booze does for me... made feel loved, accepted just as I am and beautiful.
We did break it off, but not until after his wife discovered we had been intimate and emotionally involved.
I've seen him since then - in stores and such, I live in a small, small town. And I have to RUN the other way because even 35 years later.... I am still drawn to him.
I know from others that I was not his first affair - and that his wife was an affair he was having during his FIRST marriage. He had a child near the beginning of OUR relationship - can you imagine how that made his wife feel?
The guilt I am left with has been heartwrenching. I do know how she must have felt - but I really just believed "his" version of their life because to not do so would have taken him out of my life.... and at the time, I could not do that.
I have regrets, and have caused irreparable damage to a woman I never knew.
Your situation sounds different in some ways.
I do see a difference in how YOU present the relationship and how HE presents the relationship.
The affair in which I was involved damaged me, and warped my idea of what marriage is and how married people behave.
I am glad you have found the internet to be a tool you can turn to for support... as someone who teaches beginning computer to newbies... just understand things on the internet are not always what they appear to be.
I wish you well and hope you find what you seek.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: uk
Posts: 3,054
I dont know if I show courage or Im crazy to put that out on this form, but out there it is now and I hope it helps.
I've wondered myself sometimes how things get read - we chat so much more deeply on the net and while mostly with people where that would never be an issue, I have caught myself think 'would I say this to a bloke face to face?'. I've wondered if maybe the wrong impressions can be gained.
I suppose I've been lucky - while I was single nothing ever got out of hand, and I was lucky that all the people I've talked to in things like PM have turned out to be genuine. But along the way it has occured to me often what happens when one or two people are vulnerable, lines get crossed and then things misunderstood - OR what happens if one is just fake and knows how to seek out soemone else vulnerable.
From start to finish of this I haven't seen any suggestion that Shutterbug wants to hurt everyone and 'steal' this fella - just that it's getting over her neck and her emotions are real if not misguided.
I just hope all involved can resolve this with the least possible harm to themselves or each other.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
I am extremely hurt that Jenna posted my PM. Isn't private, PRIVATE???
I do understand, it was a way to get even for something I wrote, however she misunderstood what I was saying. I was saying I am like a parent that wants so very much to teach my child how to be safe, pay attention etc. as the child is presious to me. She took it I was calling her a stupid child.
Jenna.. I am sorry that you took it wrong. It is impossible for me to put the caring and compassion into words, and you cannot see the careing in my eyes or voice here in the written word.
The down and dirty part was explaining the way I answer, I should have clarified that. It is because I have trouble typing, I hunt and peck, have eye problems, and back problems, probably a good thing or I would write a book. My friends say "Get to the point" LOL
Now probably 6 people could have posted while I was writting this.
clancy46
I do understand, it was a way to get even for something I wrote, however she misunderstood what I was saying. I was saying I am like a parent that wants so very much to teach my child how to be safe, pay attention etc. as the child is presious to me. She took it I was calling her a stupid child.
Jenna.. I am sorry that you took it wrong. It is impossible for me to put the caring and compassion into words, and you cannot see the careing in my eyes or voice here in the written word.
The down and dirty part was explaining the way I answer, I should have clarified that. It is because I have trouble typing, I hunt and peck, have eye problems, and back problems, probably a good thing or I would write a book. My friends say "Get to the point" LOL
Now probably 6 people could have posted while I was writting this.
clancy46
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 491
I feel compassion for Jenna, I dont think she was intentionally trying to be evil and she was has heard what everyone told her was right or wrong and no matter how she replies its entered her head and it takes time to sink in to realize whatever truth there is.
I think she can find a better situation, single true prince, she just needs to believe.
Hey, we all go through wrong times as smart as we all may be, I've known some of the smartest people I work with do the same as Jenna but realize it was wrong and stopped. Heck, I've done pretty stupid things not just with relationships but like mischiefs and etc that the law wouldnt be happy with. We are all the same as far as guilt, we just need to pull each other out of it when we trip.
my 2 cents.
I think she can find a better situation, single true prince, she just needs to believe.
Hey, we all go through wrong times as smart as we all may be, I've known some of the smartest people I work with do the same as Jenna but realize it was wrong and stopped. Heck, I've done pretty stupid things not just with relationships but like mischiefs and etc that the law wouldnt be happy with. We are all the same as far as guilt, we just need to pull each other out of it when we trip.
my 2 cents.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In my own world...
Posts: 444
Shutterbug,
It's taken me a while today to read this entire thread so if I miss something or misunderstood something feel free to correct me. I'm probably going to get slapped by a few people for saying this but first off I'm going to say that I'm not going to knock you about meeting someone online in the first place. Yup, you have to be very careful when you meet anyone on here but the same can be said about meeting someone anywhere. I met abf with a friend's "seal of approval" and look where that went. There's tonnes of psychos out there so please use extreme caution no matter where you meet someone.
I think you can have friends online without meeting them but the problem I see with what you wrote is that it seems like you are getting involved with something that is going a bit beyond friendship. I can tell you from experience that one of the problems with online relationships is that there is a huge chunk of fantasy in them. It really is amazing how many things, (even little things) you can fabricate about someone. When the fantasy and the reality colide it can be very disappointing and can definitely hurt both sides.
The other problem with your friendship is it seems like there isn't as much of a balance between it and everything else in your life. It sounds like you need it way more than is healthy no matter how you met or with who it is. Friends are the greatest thing ever, but your life needs to be able to go on without them as well sometimes. If you can't stop thinking about them or need to speak to them pretty much daily then you really do need to continue to get help to find out how to get by on your own. You can't lean on anyone that much for that.
Lastly, he is married. I haven't been on the end of that part so I can't offer much there but I do agree that if you are developing more than friendship feelings for someone involved in a relationship, you really do need to step back. It seems to me that you know that what you guys are doing isn't completely innocent or you wouldn't have written about it. Please look elsewhere for the affection you need. It sounds like you need alot of time from this man right now and he doesn't have it. He needs to split time with his family.
You will find more friends out there and hopefully not in such a sticky situation.
I'm in a hurry so hopefully I got everything in there.
It's taken me a while today to read this entire thread so if I miss something or misunderstood something feel free to correct me. I'm probably going to get slapped by a few people for saying this but first off I'm going to say that I'm not going to knock you about meeting someone online in the first place. Yup, you have to be very careful when you meet anyone on here but the same can be said about meeting someone anywhere. I met abf with a friend's "seal of approval" and look where that went. There's tonnes of psychos out there so please use extreme caution no matter where you meet someone.
I think you can have friends online without meeting them but the problem I see with what you wrote is that it seems like you are getting involved with something that is going a bit beyond friendship. I can tell you from experience that one of the problems with online relationships is that there is a huge chunk of fantasy in them. It really is amazing how many things, (even little things) you can fabricate about someone. When the fantasy and the reality colide it can be very disappointing and can definitely hurt both sides.
The other problem with your friendship is it seems like there isn't as much of a balance between it and everything else in your life. It sounds like you need it way more than is healthy no matter how you met or with who it is. Friends are the greatest thing ever, but your life needs to be able to go on without them as well sometimes. If you can't stop thinking about them or need to speak to them pretty much daily then you really do need to continue to get help to find out how to get by on your own. You can't lean on anyone that much for that.
Lastly, he is married. I haven't been on the end of that part so I can't offer much there but I do agree that if you are developing more than friendship feelings for someone involved in a relationship, you really do need to step back. It seems to me that you know that what you guys are doing isn't completely innocent or you wouldn't have written about it. Please look elsewhere for the affection you need. It sounds like you need alot of time from this man right now and he doesn't have it. He needs to split time with his family.
You will find more friends out there and hopefully not in such a sticky situation.
I'm in a hurry so hopefully I got everything in there.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Originally Posted by shutterbug
I need to be slapped back into reality and out of my fantasies!!!
Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve been in this forum. I finaly got a very toxic, late-stage alcoholic boyfriend out of my life this past year and have been focusing on myself for the first time in my life since I found Al-anon at that time and started realizing so many things about my life and my illnesses.
Anyway, I’m in this relationship now that’s different than any other I’ve ever been in or dealt with. And I’m in love with the most beautiful, tender-hearted man I’ve ever known and could ever DREAM of knowing. I’ve always been bad about holding onto fairytale dreams….but this one…this one IS my prince! I just wanted to share a few of the loveliest things he’s written to me (since we communicate every day by e-mail)… Well…you’ll pretty much be able to figure out the main problem pretty clearly in his writings to me….which is #1 he’s married and #2 he’s some 3000 miles away (which kinda is a good thing actually). My problem is that even though we both KNOW that nothing more than writing each other can ever come of us we still have deep feelings for each other. We both tried thinking of each other more like a brother and sister thing…but that didn’t work. We know that our beautiful friendship is as far as things can ever go….but we are still very much in love with each other….but lately the back of my brain is telling me that you never know what might happen in the future and even though I NEVER want his marriage to end or for me to cause him problems there….I can’t help these feelings I have of wanting more than just a beautiful friendship because how many chances in life do you really get to meet the perfect man for you? And lately I’ve been having a VERY hard time thinking about anything other than him. I wake up and go to sleep thinking of him and I know this isn’t healthy….even if we could have a true relationship…being this obsessed with someone is not healthy. Can anyone offer me some helpful ways to look at this because it is already hurting me to know that I can never be with him.
Hugs,
Jenna
Below I will paste the long list of the things I have kept about him that he has written that have made my heart soar during the past month or two and the things I will always cherish…It doesn’t help that I am EXTREMELY insecure and these words have just filled all my hurts and made me feel like flying.. Like I said before…who WOULD’NT fall in love with this man!!!!!!!!!!
Hi, it’s been a while since I’ve been in this forum. I finaly got a very toxic, late-stage alcoholic boyfriend out of my life this past year and have been focusing on myself for the first time in my life since I found Al-anon at that time and started realizing so many things about my life and my illnesses.
Anyway, I’m in this relationship now that’s different than any other I’ve ever been in or dealt with. And I’m in love with the most beautiful, tender-hearted man I’ve ever known and could ever DREAM of knowing. I’ve always been bad about holding onto fairytale dreams….but this one…this one IS my prince! I just wanted to share a few of the loveliest things he’s written to me (since we communicate every day by e-mail)… Well…you’ll pretty much be able to figure out the main problem pretty clearly in his writings to me….which is #1 he’s married and #2 he’s some 3000 miles away (which kinda is a good thing actually). My problem is that even though we both KNOW that nothing more than writing each other can ever come of us we still have deep feelings for each other. We both tried thinking of each other more like a brother and sister thing…but that didn’t work. We know that our beautiful friendship is as far as things can ever go….but we are still very much in love with each other….but lately the back of my brain is telling me that you never know what might happen in the future and even though I NEVER want his marriage to end or for me to cause him problems there….I can’t help these feelings I have of wanting more than just a beautiful friendship because how many chances in life do you really get to meet the perfect man for you? And lately I’ve been having a VERY hard time thinking about anything other than him. I wake up and go to sleep thinking of him and I know this isn’t healthy….even if we could have a true relationship…being this obsessed with someone is not healthy. Can anyone offer me some helpful ways to look at this because it is already hurting me to know that I can never be with him.
Hugs,
Jenna
Below I will paste the long list of the things I have kept about him that he has written that have made my heart soar during the past month or two and the things I will always cherish…It doesn’t help that I am EXTREMELY insecure and these words have just filled all my hurts and made me feel like flying.. Like I said before…who WOULD’NT fall in love with this man!!!!!!!!!!
First, you ask for us to slap you back into reality and out of your fantasy.
We tried to show you the fantasy part of it.
While some posts were not so kindly put - those that posted were really only trying to make you see that you are living in a fantasy world.
Secondly - You, yourself, point out what you thought were the main problems. He's married and he lives 3000 miles away. You, yourself, even comment that it's probably a good thing that he lives so far away!
Thirdly - You say "We are very much in love with each other". I have read what you posted that he wrote to you as well as his own posts, and I'm not so sure he's "in love" with you. He talks about a love that friends have for each other - not an "in love" kind of feeling for you. But from what he wrote to you, I gathered also that he may have had feelings for you in a more deeper way. So something just isn't adding up here in my opinion about his true feelings for you. You may be in love with him - but I"m not so sure he's in love with you.
And fourth - You are basically admitting that you are obsessed with him. He's all you think about! And you even say that "…being this obsessed with someone is not healthy".
Fifth - you asked for healthy ways to look at this as it's already hurting you that you can't be with him. Shutterbug - if you know you can't be with him, why are you allowing yourself to fall for him? Why are you continuing the contact if it hurts you so badly? Walking away and saving yourself is healthy. Not putting yourself in positions where you are hurt and will continue to be hurt. That is not healthy.
Sixth - Who wouldn't fall in love with this man? I'm sorry if I'm taking this wrong, but I think you are generalizing that any woman would fall in love with this man, and you are not correct about that. There are those in this world that would see that he's married and they wouldn't allow themselves to fall for this man. There are those that cannot have a long distant relationship, there are those that need more than a keyboard for communication with a person, etc. Don't assume that anyone could/would fall for this man. Okay?
And here's something else - I read somewhere in another one of your posts how you feel this man is basically all you have good in your life. Holding onto one person for that kind of happiness isn't healthy. And everyone needs more in there life than one person! Happiness, self esteem, etc. doesn't just come from other people, it comes from within.
And for the last thing I want to comment on.........Your having posted here asking for us to help you. Then going and involving this man into our lives. Wouldn't that be like me posting about my AH - having someone post negative things about him - and then bringing him here to slaughter all of you for trying to help me better myself? Simply because I didn't like what you all told me!? Shutterbug, I'm sorry you felt attacked and misunderstood on this post. However, it was not fair for you to ask something of us and then punish us for doing what you asked. I'm sorry, but that was disrespectful. And even for those that posted to you in a disrespectful way - that doesn't mean that you have should've returned that behaviour!
I hope that someday you realize that you've brought a lot of pain onto yourself by allowing the relationship you have with this man to continue. I hope that someday you can see that it's unhealthy (though I believe you already do as it says so in your original post). I hope that somehow you'll be able to find someone that is available to you and in love with you - someone that is real-life and not internet based. I hope that someday you find happiness (from within, not from another person). I hope alot of things for you shutterbug - but I think you also need to hope for it as well. You're worth better than this chaos.
Good luck!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: nowheresville
Posts: 872
Well I was wondering what all the commotion was about in the other post and now I know.
Shutterbug,
Who wouldn't fall in love with this one? was your question I believe.
Me for one. Remember??????????????????
married???????????? Hello?????????????
For my own sanity I'd definitely have to stay away from a situation like that.
Be good to yourself.
Ngaire
Shutterbug,
Who wouldn't fall in love with this one? was your question I believe.
Me for one. Remember??????????????????
married???????????? Hello?????????????
For my own sanity I'd definitely have to stay away from a situation like that.
Be good to yourself.
Ngaire
Member
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location:
Posts: 67
Originally Posted by Cynay
Wow... this is quite the thread.
Jena... your welcome, and no my name does not start with a N or T. When I posted that I told you that what I was posting was not the worse of all that happened.... That is true, though Im not going to go into the rest of it let me just tell you the damage done was VERY deep on all levels and not only to me, my daughter but Im sure his side of the family too. I try not to think about what his wife went through.... I honestly did not "MEAN" for that friendship to develope like it did...I really believed what he was telling me.... but let me point out a few things that are so similiar.
1.. In Church, AA, Al-anon and most therphy they will tell you..... Men minister to Men and Women to Women. Is there any doubt in your mind why this is a classic rule???
Look what is happening in your ministering to each other for your bi-polor.... you have fallen in love with this man. He is giving you the same message.... Please dont try to convience yourself this is a sister/friend type of love because you have stated that you want this for yourself... If you feel "in love" and have asked how to back away from this because you are afraid of being hurt... that is the little voice inside that you should trust.
2. You said that he is not trying to play the "Savior" role.... yet instead of letting you work through this, (because it is your issue to work through) he has come on the board and defended you.
Not only on the thread but PMing individuals and telling them what he would like to "physically" (physically abusive) do to them, and cussing (verbally abusive) at them. You came to this place for advice, yep sometimes people can be harsh in how they sound, but it is up to you to take what you need and leave the rest... you are taking it too personally and it is a choice.... if you wanted you dont even have to come back here are read. My point being.... this was about YOU, your reaching out for advice and he came in and "saved" you (or tried) ... You already have a 'savior" you dont need another one.
3. Do not covent thy neighbors wife.
If your looking for scripture to help direct you... try that one. You have said that you are "in love" with him, that you want that for yourself.... You have not done this alone, in his e-mails he is doing it right along with you. He may say he only loves you as a friend, but several times he hints to what is much deeper.... Sorry but lust is not only about wanting someone physically, lust is a mental/emotional state.
4. He is Bi-polar and as such has to be struggling with the balance as much as you are.
Please, understand.... I dont pretend to know how you feel, the emotion that goes on ... but what I do hear is someone that is sick and hurting from deep emotional wounds... who is doing everything in her power to become healthy. ALL of us on this board are working on that. We all have different communication styles and strengths and weekness... but I dont think anyone here is out to cause you harm. We have no motive to do that. Ryan has every motive to do whatever it takes to maintain your "friendship" because you are also filling a void in him.
5. He stated in one of his posts (correct me if Im wrong) that he WOULD NEVER do that to his wife, but also said that she is the only family he has, and HE ALMOST LOST HER because of something similiar to this????
You know I would have bet my life that the man I had that affair with loved me ... that I was special (I so needed to feel that) that I was the only one. Well I was dead wrong... and should have seen it. He was doing that to his wife, so it was not just me but later I found messages to another girl, she even sent him a topless pic. I know one thing .... If Im not healthy (I was not then) It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to make healthy decisions.... now dont get me wrong I can point out red flags in everyone elses relationships, but when it comes to mine the emotion blinds me... maybe that is true for you too? I COMPLETELY understand that need your talking about, the difference is you are at the begining of what I have already gone through.... Maybe yours is different, but I would not bet my life on it.... and that sounds like what your doing, hanging on by a thread and that thread is worn (married and bi-polar) and will not support you. If it were me I would grab for the rope.... its right next to the thread only its not sugar coated and does not feel as good.
PLEASE TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. God Knows I have no place to lecture, judge or direct.... Im only giving you a way to look at things differently, and only giving you what you asked us to give.
Jena... your welcome, and no my name does not start with a N or T. When I posted that I told you that what I was posting was not the worse of all that happened.... That is true, though Im not going to go into the rest of it let me just tell you the damage done was VERY deep on all levels and not only to me, my daughter but Im sure his side of the family too. I try not to think about what his wife went through.... I honestly did not "MEAN" for that friendship to develope like it did...I really believed what he was telling me.... but let me point out a few things that are so similiar.
1.. In Church, AA, Al-anon and most therphy they will tell you..... Men minister to Men and Women to Women. Is there any doubt in your mind why this is a classic rule???
Look what is happening in your ministering to each other for your bi-polor.... you have fallen in love with this man. He is giving you the same message.... Please dont try to convience yourself this is a sister/friend type of love because you have stated that you want this for yourself... If you feel "in love" and have asked how to back away from this because you are afraid of being hurt... that is the little voice inside that you should trust.
2. You said that he is not trying to play the "Savior" role.... yet instead of letting you work through this, (because it is your issue to work through) he has come on the board and defended you.
Not only on the thread but PMing individuals and telling them what he would like to "physically" (physically abusive) do to them, and cussing (verbally abusive) at them. You came to this place for advice, yep sometimes people can be harsh in how they sound, but it is up to you to take what you need and leave the rest... you are taking it too personally and it is a choice.... if you wanted you dont even have to come back here are read. My point being.... this was about YOU, your reaching out for advice and he came in and "saved" you (or tried) ... You already have a 'savior" you dont need another one.
3. Do not covent thy neighbors wife.
If your looking for scripture to help direct you... try that one. You have said that you are "in love" with him, that you want that for yourself.... You have not done this alone, in his e-mails he is doing it right along with you. He may say he only loves you as a friend, but several times he hints to what is much deeper.... Sorry but lust is not only about wanting someone physically, lust is a mental/emotional state.
4. He is Bi-polar and as such has to be struggling with the balance as much as you are.
Please, understand.... I dont pretend to know how you feel, the emotion that goes on ... but what I do hear is someone that is sick and hurting from deep emotional wounds... who is doing everything in her power to become healthy. ALL of us on this board are working on that. We all have different communication styles and strengths and weekness... but I dont think anyone here is out to cause you harm. We have no motive to do that. Ryan has every motive to do whatever it takes to maintain your "friendship" because you are also filling a void in him.
5. He stated in one of his posts (correct me if Im wrong) that he WOULD NEVER do that to his wife, but also said that she is the only family he has, and HE ALMOST LOST HER because of something similiar to this????
You know I would have bet my life that the man I had that affair with loved me ... that I was special (I so needed to feel that) that I was the only one. Well I was dead wrong... and should have seen it. He was doing that to his wife, so it was not just me but later I found messages to another girl, she even sent him a topless pic. I know one thing .... If Im not healthy (I was not then) It is IMPOSSIBLE for me to make healthy decisions.... now dont get me wrong I can point out red flags in everyone elses relationships, but when it comes to mine the emotion blinds me... maybe that is true for you too? I COMPLETELY understand that need your talking about, the difference is you are at the begining of what I have already gone through.... Maybe yours is different, but I would not bet my life on it.... and that sounds like what your doing, hanging on by a thread and that thread is worn (married and bi-polar) and will not support you. If it were me I would grab for the rope.... its right next to the thread only its not sugar coated and does not feel as good.
PLEASE TAKE WHAT YOU WANT AND LEAVE THE REST. DO NOT TAKE IT PERSONALLY. God Knows I have no place to lecture, judge or direct.... Im only giving you a way to look at things differently, and only giving you what you asked us to give.
i have nothing more to say
A picture's worth a 1000 words
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: With any luck, I'm lost in a view finder
Posts: 2,954
Aspouse…..well….I see you didn’t care that I asked you not to post me any more, but in retrospect I think it was a it is a good thing you didn’t abide and I’m sorry that I asked you not to, because the conversation you and Equus had is something I think that HOPEFULLY helped you to understand more about how your words CAN hurt a person. It is my opinion that you have thought about how you would feel if you were in Ryan’s wife’s shoes, but you can’t stop and try and understand my position even though I AM the one here asking for help (which eventually will help her too). There are thousands of "other" women out there who wouldn’t even have enough of a conscience about the situation to ask for help…let alone put it all out for others like you to read and possibly judge. And I’m sorry, maybe you THINK you’re not judging me but you have.
Equus you were exactly right in why I posted this whole thing….I grew up in an alcoholic home and most of my relationships with men (well…all but one in fact) have been with men with alcohol or substance abuse problems. Ryan is the first person I have become involved with in anyway since I realized all that and what it means to be codependent…so yeah….the main problem friends and family of alcoholics have, in my opinion, is dealing with and healing our codie ways and thinking. So that is why I came here with this. Thanks for seeing that and pointing that out. You have explained to Aspouse all the things and in the same way that I would have liked to have been able to if my emotions weren’t so tied up in all this. And I think maybe it helped more to come from you anyway….thanks for being that kind of voice of understanding and compassion and pointing out that there are always other ways to think or view things other than our first reactions/responses to things.
Aspouse….your suspiciousness…well, I understand how life events can make people so suspicious, but I believe it’s a healthy thing to try and consider all the possibilities…and not just the ones that place people in negative lights. In fact, all those who know me…know that I am usually the one to first look at giving people the benefit of the doubt and thinking about why "I" myself might have possibly acted or thought as they did….and I know that is hard sometimes…but I ALWAYS try my best to be compassionate and treat others with the same respect that I would want for myself…In ANY situation. And usually I can think of many reasons to come to even a strangers defense and help others see that the worst is not always the truth.
And since many of you haven’t read this whole thread I will say it for the 3rd time now….WE ARE BOTH ALREADY IN THERAPY!!!!!!!!!! I have been addressing my unhealthy thinking and mental illness with NON-STOP actions over the past year now. I am a work in progress, just as I know you are too and that is why I am trying very hard not to become angry and start lashing out at people, but I refuse to let this all get me to that point. We are all works in progress and I just don’t understand how people can put me down in anyway for trying to better myself and the situation I’m in…..why would you EVER ask someone about their reasoning for posting something in SR???????? We are ALL here for the same reason, even you I’m guessing….b/c we all want to learn how to live better and happier lives and become healthier individuals. I truly do hope that you Aspouse are not just here at SR to take out your own emotions and such on other people. I haven’t had time to look at any of your other posts with people…but I sure pray you are searching out your own betterment of yourself and you life…since that is the only reason why I come here….I WANT TO GET BETTER….and I will always strive to be better until the day I day.
And Aspouse….you are also right in that I did not "appear" to be overly sensitive when I originally posted and yes I even asked people to be frank with me. Obviously I wish I had said things differently because I often think that I am stronger than I am and that I can take the hard punches that people often give out when being honest and frank….but I quickly realized that I am not as strong as I had hoped. I SHOULD have known this already since I came very close to climbing 10 stories and leaping off the roof just a few nights ago. I knew that I am overly sensitive right now….but I thought I could handle more than I obviously can right now. So yes, I am now in defense mode with all this right now and why I feel compelled to come back here and continue to read these posts…I haven’t figured that out yet….maybe there is still a lesson here that I need to learn?
And yes, you may be good at reading people and their words….but so am I…which is why I can almost FEEL the emotions behind your words. So I would just like to ask this one thing of you….that when you sit down at your keyboard to type out anything, whether to me OR anyone else in the future, please PLEASE take a moment and think about what your motivations are in saying the things you want to say. If you feel angered emotions or emotions not of trying to really wanting to understand them…then please back up and take a few moments and especially with me….if you don’t honestly feel a sense of caring and truly wanting to help in your heart…then please…don’t post until you can come back and write things from a loving place within you. And I’m not just saying this to you…this I think is good advice for everyone…even for myself. There ARE real people with REAL feelings and struggles on the other end of these posts.
((((((((Babeekj)))))))))……..What a horrible thing to SAY!!!!!!!!!! I just posted to a young bipolar girl last night who would be VERY….VERY hurt by that statement!!!!!!! It’s not funny! Not in the least…I hope no one ever treats you that way….I really do.
I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m really having a hard time here with not coming to the conclusion that some of you are just mean people who don’t care about hurting others just so you can pop off something you think is funny or witty. I DARE you to look outside yourself for a moment and visit Linz’s thread in the mental health forum and read her story! I pray she NEVER reads babeekj’s comment! I dont’ care about what you said for my sake….but if you are big enough to realize that was the totally wrong thing to say…then you can make it up by offering Linz some REAL support! Because she really needs some people to care about her right now! Only by reading her thread do I think you could EVER truly understand how the things you guys say can have REAL impacts on the people you are saying to them without knowing much about them!
Don’t assume that your words won’t hurt someone….always instead assume that they MIGHT hurt someone! In very real ways!
(((((((((Aspouse))))))))) Thank you for speaking up about that comment. That’s the first real and compassionate thing you have said in this whole thread! See….you’re not the horrible person I could have easily been suspicious about and COULD have assumed you were!
And yes…it appears very much so that Ryan came in here to be my savior…and I have to say that I made a mistake in telling him that he was welcome to come and speak on his behalf and in support of me in this thread. I felt attacked and I knew he would understand MY concerns and feelings….and I also thought it might help for people to hear his side. He let his emotions get the better of him and I dont’ hold him in any negative light for that. His entire character was being attacked and I believe he reacted as many others would if others were saying the same things about them.
(((((Clancy))))) I’m sorry that I hurt you by putting your PM in this thread. I honestly didnt’ think it would bother you….many people PM me in thinking that they don’t want ME to be caused any undue stress…I’m the kind of person that I don’t like hiding things about myself or my life and as I started responding to you I thought the things I was saying to you might help others to further try and understand where I’m coming from. In retrospect, I should have ONLY posted my reply to you instead of including what you said in your PM. I know you care…I truly do. I’m sorry that I got so defensive with so many things and that I still am feeling somewhat defensive. I will never break anyone’s confidence again by making public something they post to me in private, for whatever their reasons, without first asking permission. I made a big mistake and did a huge wrong by you…I can’t apologize enough. Can you possibly forgive me? Either way, I am really, really sorry.
It’s easy to pick apart somebody else’s words (especially with someone who puts down so many of them like I do)….and I understand why some of you feel that desire…and Staying Strong, appreciate your thoughts….I dont’ think I was disrespectful though, I feel I had a natural reactions to others being disrespectful to me. And since I doubt we will see eye to eye on that…"we will just have to agree to disagree" okay? And I think you are right which is what I’ve really been trying to say is that I know how unhealthy this is for me, not to mention the others involved. I knew it was unhealthy which is way I DID come here for help. And I think you are also right in that he’s not in love with me, but it’s more of a friendship love. I see that now…and that’s probably the most important thing I have gotten out of this whole thread. I needed to see that and realize that. So thank much. Many thanks.
What I would like to point out….which you brought me back to my original post….is this one thing: I told you all that I am EXTREMELY INSECURE…so I would have thought people would have understood that as a reason , from the get go, to tread a little lighter with the words they chose to use with me.
Anyway, I’m off to lift my spirits by spending the evening with my sis and the two most precious creatures in my life…my 2-year-old twin nephews (well…they’ll turn 2 on Halloween
they are my little pumkin’s J Anyway…I’m going to focus on them tonight and let their smiles and giggles replenish my spirit. They are the only REAL happiness I have left in my life now…and they…. I can pick up and hold in my arms and feel them hug back, even if they are not old enough to be supports to ME….just their presence helps me feel better about life.
Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna
Equus you were exactly right in why I posted this whole thing….I grew up in an alcoholic home and most of my relationships with men (well…all but one in fact) have been with men with alcohol or substance abuse problems. Ryan is the first person I have become involved with in anyway since I realized all that and what it means to be codependent…so yeah….the main problem friends and family of alcoholics have, in my opinion, is dealing with and healing our codie ways and thinking. So that is why I came here with this. Thanks for seeing that and pointing that out. You have explained to Aspouse all the things and in the same way that I would have liked to have been able to if my emotions weren’t so tied up in all this. And I think maybe it helped more to come from you anyway….thanks for being that kind of voice of understanding and compassion and pointing out that there are always other ways to think or view things other than our first reactions/responses to things.
Aspouse….your suspiciousness…well, I understand how life events can make people so suspicious, but I believe it’s a healthy thing to try and consider all the possibilities…and not just the ones that place people in negative lights. In fact, all those who know me…know that I am usually the one to first look at giving people the benefit of the doubt and thinking about why "I" myself might have possibly acted or thought as they did….and I know that is hard sometimes…but I ALWAYS try my best to be compassionate and treat others with the same respect that I would want for myself…In ANY situation. And usually I can think of many reasons to come to even a strangers defense and help others see that the worst is not always the truth.
And since many of you haven’t read this whole thread I will say it for the 3rd time now….WE ARE BOTH ALREADY IN THERAPY!!!!!!!!!! I have been addressing my unhealthy thinking and mental illness with NON-STOP actions over the past year now. I am a work in progress, just as I know you are too and that is why I am trying very hard not to become angry and start lashing out at people, but I refuse to let this all get me to that point. We are all works in progress and I just don’t understand how people can put me down in anyway for trying to better myself and the situation I’m in…..why would you EVER ask someone about their reasoning for posting something in SR???????? We are ALL here for the same reason, even you I’m guessing….b/c we all want to learn how to live better and happier lives and become healthier individuals. I truly do hope that you Aspouse are not just here at SR to take out your own emotions and such on other people. I haven’t had time to look at any of your other posts with people…but I sure pray you are searching out your own betterment of yourself and you life…since that is the only reason why I come here….I WANT TO GET BETTER….and I will always strive to be better until the day I day.
And Aspouse….you are also right in that I did not "appear" to be overly sensitive when I originally posted and yes I even asked people to be frank with me. Obviously I wish I had said things differently because I often think that I am stronger than I am and that I can take the hard punches that people often give out when being honest and frank….but I quickly realized that I am not as strong as I had hoped. I SHOULD have known this already since I came very close to climbing 10 stories and leaping off the roof just a few nights ago. I knew that I am overly sensitive right now….but I thought I could handle more than I obviously can right now. So yes, I am now in defense mode with all this right now and why I feel compelled to come back here and continue to read these posts…I haven’t figured that out yet….maybe there is still a lesson here that I need to learn?
And yes, you may be good at reading people and their words….but so am I…which is why I can almost FEEL the emotions behind your words. So I would just like to ask this one thing of you….that when you sit down at your keyboard to type out anything, whether to me OR anyone else in the future, please PLEASE take a moment and think about what your motivations are in saying the things you want to say. If you feel angered emotions or emotions not of trying to really wanting to understand them…then please back up and take a few moments and especially with me….if you don’t honestly feel a sense of caring and truly wanting to help in your heart…then please…don’t post until you can come back and write things from a loving place within you. And I’m not just saying this to you…this I think is good advice for everyone…even for myself. There ARE real people with REAL feelings and struggles on the other end of these posts.
((((((((Babeekj)))))))))……..What a horrible thing to SAY!!!!!!!!!! I just posted to a young bipolar girl last night who would be VERY….VERY hurt by that statement!!!!!!! It’s not funny! Not in the least…I hope no one ever treats you that way….I really do.
I’m sorry, I really am, but I’m really having a hard time here with not coming to the conclusion that some of you are just mean people who don’t care about hurting others just so you can pop off something you think is funny or witty. I DARE you to look outside yourself for a moment and visit Linz’s thread in the mental health forum and read her story! I pray she NEVER reads babeekj’s comment! I dont’ care about what you said for my sake….but if you are big enough to realize that was the totally wrong thing to say…then you can make it up by offering Linz some REAL support! Because she really needs some people to care about her right now! Only by reading her thread do I think you could EVER truly understand how the things you guys say can have REAL impacts on the people you are saying to them without knowing much about them!
Don’t assume that your words won’t hurt someone….always instead assume that they MIGHT hurt someone! In very real ways!
(((((((((Aspouse))))))))) Thank you for speaking up about that comment. That’s the first real and compassionate thing you have said in this whole thread! See….you’re not the horrible person I could have easily been suspicious about and COULD have assumed you were!
And yes…it appears very much so that Ryan came in here to be my savior…and I have to say that I made a mistake in telling him that he was welcome to come and speak on his behalf and in support of me in this thread. I felt attacked and I knew he would understand MY concerns and feelings….and I also thought it might help for people to hear his side. He let his emotions get the better of him and I dont’ hold him in any negative light for that. His entire character was being attacked and I believe he reacted as many others would if others were saying the same things about them.
(((((Clancy))))) I’m sorry that I hurt you by putting your PM in this thread. I honestly didnt’ think it would bother you….many people PM me in thinking that they don’t want ME to be caused any undue stress…I’m the kind of person that I don’t like hiding things about myself or my life and as I started responding to you I thought the things I was saying to you might help others to further try and understand where I’m coming from. In retrospect, I should have ONLY posted my reply to you instead of including what you said in your PM. I know you care…I truly do. I’m sorry that I got so defensive with so many things and that I still am feeling somewhat defensive. I will never break anyone’s confidence again by making public something they post to me in private, for whatever their reasons, without first asking permission. I made a big mistake and did a huge wrong by you…I can’t apologize enough. Can you possibly forgive me? Either way, I am really, really sorry.
It’s easy to pick apart somebody else’s words (especially with someone who puts down so many of them like I do)….and I understand why some of you feel that desire…and Staying Strong, appreciate your thoughts….I dont’ think I was disrespectful though, I feel I had a natural reactions to others being disrespectful to me. And since I doubt we will see eye to eye on that…"we will just have to agree to disagree" okay? And I think you are right which is what I’ve really been trying to say is that I know how unhealthy this is for me, not to mention the others involved. I knew it was unhealthy which is way I DID come here for help. And I think you are also right in that he’s not in love with me, but it’s more of a friendship love. I see that now…and that’s probably the most important thing I have gotten out of this whole thread. I needed to see that and realize that. So thank much. Many thanks.
What I would like to point out….which you brought me back to my original post….is this one thing: I told you all that I am EXTREMELY INSECURE…so I would have thought people would have understood that as a reason , from the get go, to tread a little lighter with the words they chose to use with me.
Anyway, I’m off to lift my spirits by spending the evening with my sis and the two most precious creatures in my life…my 2-year-old twin nephews (well…they’ll turn 2 on Halloween
they are my little pumkin’s J Anyway…I’m going to focus on them tonight and let their smiles and giggles replenish my spirit. They are the only REAL happiness I have left in my life now…and they…. I can pick up and hold in my arms and feel them hug back, even if they are not old enough to be supports to ME….just their presence helps me feel better about life.Hugs and God Bless,
Jenna
Member
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Sussex, NJ
Posts: 1,331
Originally Posted by ryanjosef
I may not agree with a few things seid here but i agree with most of it, there was a boundry that i do feel that i crossed.and im not sure how to bring things back into perspective with out hurting my best freind. whome i will never meet. I am going to counsiling and alot of it is for an internet afair that i had just this last winter that lasted for 7 months that almost destroyed my marrage i went so far into my fantacy and obsession as to fly down and see this girl, thank god that she wasnt there when i arrived because it was a reality check i flew home the next day. My wife IS all that i have i have never lied to her or hidden things from her including my internet relationship with that other girl. and the counciling that im seeing is alot of marrage counsiling mixed in with my own counsiling. Things have gone to far i know that but at the same time i feel that i will be shutting off the light in her darkness. I havent had a closness to my wife since i started smoking, i stayed away from her and my kids because i was ashamed of how i smelld well i am giving it al i got to quit smoking i went cold turkey but thats not hard when you only smoke 2 a day. But i know what i did realy hurt my wife even though she doesnt admit it. i could and will never do that again. so suger coat it and tell me what i should do to not hurt someone that i do care about. you will have to email me though because i requested to be removed from sr. I dont drink never realy have i did dable in it for a few months but i liked it too much and new it and the last time a drank i was so drunk i was sober but i couldnt walk just lay there and think about how stupid i was. my email is a temp but its dni_bp******.com you cant judge a book by its cover or its introduction.
i have nothing more to say
i have nothing more to say
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