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crushed...............

Old 10-03-2002, 04:56 AM
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crushed...............

Well I am hung over this morning from a real emotional storm last night. My eyes are swollen from crying and my body feel drained and lifeless. Yesterday at lunch time I called my husband at his new job because I wanted to discuss plans for our trip this weekend(we are going to my college room mates annual party). His new boss said that he left to take my daughter to the doctor. I knew this was not true as there was no doctor appointment scheduled and she doesn't know his number at his new job yet. SO I was brewing about that all afternoon, knowing the truth all along, that he left the job to go drinking. When he got home at 6pm I asked him about it and he got angry that I called him at work and spoke to his boss. This is where I should have been able to use what I have learned in Alanon and let it go. But instead I blew up, way up and started screaming and crying. A bad session of screaming from the bottom of my soul and seeing spots I was so angry and full of rage.

I think I reacted this way because in the past he has been able to keep a job and show up on time and work the entire day etc. I was hopeful that things would stabilize and not get any worse than they were the other times he was working. Which is a bit better than they have been recently. Also he tried to tell me that it was no big deal, he discounted my concerns and blew me off. Like I meant nothing to him and was just some crazy woman. I am tearing up just tell you that. When I walked away crying hysterically, he calmly took a shower and had my son cut his hair and got dressed and went back out to his bar. I do understand that his disease is getting worse. But I could clearly see that he doesn't have the capacity to love me. I have spent 20 years with this man, tried to get along with him, to accept unacceptable behavior, to make everything work out and he cares only for himself.

I always fear that my concept of love is wrong. Maybe everyone always puts themselves first. But then I think, no, I have friends that consider my needs and sometimes put my needs above their own. But this is important, because my father used to do the same thing to me. When I would be talking to him about something I thought was important, some problem or grievance, he would not listen to me and I would start crying and become very upset. I would go to my room, crying for a long time. And he would ignore me, he never came to me to comfort me or to try to talk to me. You see my mother was dead and he was the only one I could turn to. Why? Why did he do this to me? Why didn't he care more for my well being? Wasn't I worth a few minutes of his time? Did he really think it was better to let me cry myself out and feel that no one cared? This is the same thing my husband does to me. So I am crushed.

I know its progress, not perfection. Maybe it is progress that I was able to call an Alanon friend. But I didn't feel much better for the call. And really I don't want to be perfect, just sort of all right. Again, I don't think I can do this program, correction I am doing the program but my life is just getting worse. And I understand that sometimes that happens and it doesn't mean its not working. But I feel like less than dirt today. Luckily I will be going to two meetings today. Thanks for listening as always.
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Old 10-03-2002, 05:56 AM
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Ann
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Hi Rose

When people we love are emotionally unavailable it hurts, and I am sorry you are hurting so much. Your feelings are valid whether or not he acknowledges them, and you have a right to respect, honesty and love.

Like you, I hit walls when, even though I was working my program with dedication, nothing seemed to go right. We just have to keep moving forward and eventually the wall will come down and we find ourselves a little further than we thought. In hindsight, I wonder where I would have been going through the things I did, without program. Not a pretty thought.

Keep looking after you Rose. You are important and lovable and worth the effort. And turn over his disease to your HP and give yourself a rest.

Right now, all I can do is send you a hug ********{Rose}}}}.
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Old 10-03-2002, 06:40 AM
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Rose,

My heart goes out to you. I am sorry for the pain you are going through. Its wonderful that you have a supportive al anon group to go to, and keep posting here. We love you and want the best for you

It will help if you become selfish - concentrate on your recovery and your behaviors and let him do his stuff. I often hear that "He's not doing it TO you, he's just doing it." He'll hit the bottom at some point, and then perhaps he will look for help.

The good news is that you can find recovery, serenity and even happiness whether he continues to drink or not. Keep working the program and you'll be better in the midst of the madness.

Hugs
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Old 10-03-2002, 06:48 AM
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HI Rose...

I'm so sorry about your emotional hangover. I know what it feels like.

Please don't make the mistake of evalutating your self-worth based on your husband's reactions to you. Most people who become addicted to drugs and alcohol turned to them because they are not emotional tug of war heroes.

Taking his thoughts and behavior as a valid criticism would be something like letting Tammy Faye Baker give you makeup tips.

Hugs!
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Old 10-03-2002, 07:01 AM
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I relate Rose

Hi Rose. I can relate to your dilemma. I too become baffled with seemingly lack of response from the alcoholic. I can only share that I've learned that we can't judge others' behaviors by our set of principles. Why we do things is not the same as why others do things. And we get in trouble when we apply our whys to them. Your husband is in the midst of a disease process and right now it seems he is very sick. I say to myself at these times "don't take it personal". I try not to judge or figure out why, or go into my myriad of "what ifs." Focus on you and your children. I've learned from the folks here to slow down at crisis times, not make important decisions, and p-r-a-y. Ask God to guide hubby, and take care of you.......
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Old 10-03-2002, 07:48 AM
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Rose,

I was here earlier and my response got nuked...so here I go again.

First a (((((HUG))))), I have felt that pain. Perhaps you are learning that you cannot look to another person, especially an alcoholic to fill that hole in your sole. Not your children, friends or us or your Al Anon group.

I remember being to the point that even when my husband TRIED it didn't feel right. I still hurt. Your self image cannot depend on anyone else...it has to come from within.

I don't believe there is any magic fix....but if you stay with your program and trust the ones that have gone before you...and keep your eyes on the ones that have what you want and learn from them it really and truely will get better. I promise.

And 059 is so right...I did get selfish...really really selfish and I erected thick walls until I was strong enough to pull them back down and establish boundaries.

So sorry for your pain...you are not alone!

Hugs,
JT
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Old 10-03-2002, 08:13 AM
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(((ROSE)))

I too just want to tell you that I am sorry for your pain. I cannot do anything but repeat what has already been said.

You have to think of you first - it is progress not perfection, take it one day at a time. You did the right thing making that phone call, there is no guarantee that the phone call is going to make you feel better, but I bet it didn't make you feel worse either???

You are doing great - keep taking care of Rose!!!
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Old 10-03-2002, 09:20 AM
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I have nothing more to add. Everyone here said it pretty well - concentrate on YOU not him. I know it's hard not to take it personally but just remember it's the disease talking and acting not him. I do have a great big ((((((((((((( Rose )))))))))))))for you!!!!!

Take care and remember one day at a time!!

Love,
Galnva
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Old 10-03-2002, 01:12 PM
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Thanks everyone for your support. I have decided to go to my friends house by myself this weekend. I will get rest, a break, and good talk. I will be leaving in the am so won't check in here until next Mon. take care.
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Old 10-03-2002, 01:41 PM
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Good for you Rose, getting away and a
little R & R is a great idea. Hope you
relax and have a peaceful weekend.

Hugs,
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Old 10-03-2002, 08:00 PM
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********************{Rose}}}}}}}}}}} R & R is a wonderful thing. I know the feeling of being just trampled emotionally...............I wish I had answers for you. I took me 12 years to finally make up mind what to do THIS time ...
Take care!
Love Kitty
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Old 10-03-2002, 08:19 PM
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Hope you feel better soon Rose.

Sending you hugs.

MG
 
Old 10-05-2002, 05:55 AM
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Rose, Hang in there! Keep in mind what smoke said, it DOES hurt when the A is emotionally unavailable to you. I think this is what I got tired of the most. Basically feeling like I was talking to a dead person. I too can relate to the whole emotional hangover. Greatfully I haven't had to deal with those since my A and I are no longer together. But, I still recall it. Hope your having a wonderful weekend. Keep on....you can get past this.!!!!!

Love you!
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Old 10-08-2002, 05:35 AM
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Hi folks, I wanted to share one more thing about the blow up last week and my weekend. Last Thursday night I still felt very conflicted about going away with such a big argument between my husabnd and I. I have never felt comfortable with having a big fight with someone that I care very much about. Its like I feel that I am not ok if any of my relationships are in crisis. So Friday morning I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip. I woke up my husband and said "I am getting ready to leave". This was my invitation to him to apoligise and tell me that it wouldn't happen again etc. But he didn't. Finally he said "I will go with you if you will not give me any sh**. I don't want to hear any of your sh**." Then he got into the shower to get ready to go. And I told him to forget it and got in the car and left while he was in the shower. Then I felt like my world was crumbling. I felt so shaky and emotionally unstable.

I tell you this because I realize that my husband is changing the dance between us. Here I thought I would be the one to change my behaviors and he would respond to that. And he was the one saying that he will no longer pretend that he will stop drinking and he will no longer say what I want to hear to make me feel like it will all be alright. So now I have to deal with it. He will not stop drinking, it will not be my defination of ok. And I will have to learn to deal with the emotional separation.

Today I feel ok (except for a cold that I am coming down with). I am learning detachment whether I want to or not!!! After the feelings subsided I had a good weekend. Thanks for listening.
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Old 10-08-2002, 08:21 AM
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(((Rose))) - good for you! I had to laugh when I read that you just left him standing in the shower and took off! You say that he is changing the dance, but isn't what you did changing the dance also? You stood up for yourself, and I'm real proud of you! I'm so glad to hear that you enjoyed your weekend.

Love and hugs.
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Old 10-08-2002, 08:23 AM
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Rose,

He told the truth and now you can deal with the truth. His statements don't mean that he will never change, but right now they are the truth.

Add other things to your life now that are enjoyable. It is a big world with lots to offer. Find something you really enjoy doing so that you have a desire to get out and do it.

Take care of you.

Hugs,
MG
 

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