Hi folks, I wanted to share one more thing about the blow up last week and my weekend. Last Thursday night I still felt very conflicted about going away with such a big argument between my husabnd and I. I have never felt comfortable with having a big fight with someone that I care very much about. Its like I feel that I am not ok if any of my relationships are in crisis. So Friday morning I got up at 5am to get ready for my trip. I woke up my husband and said "I am getting ready to leave". This was my invitation to him to apoligise and tell me that it wouldn't happen again etc. But he didn't. Finally he said "I will go with you if you will not give me any sh**. I don't want to hear any of your sh**." Then he got into the shower to get ready to go. And I told him to forget it and got in the car and left while he was in the shower. Then I felt like my world was crumbling. I felt so shaky and emotionally unstable.
I tell you this because I realize that my husband is changing the dance between us. Here I thought I would be the one to change my behaviors and he would respond to that. And he was the one saying that he will no longer pretend that he will stop drinking and he will no longer say what I want to hear to make me feel like it will all be alright. So now I have to deal with it. He will not stop drinking, it will not be my defination of ok. And I will have to learn to deal with the emotional separation.
Today I feel ok (except for a cold that I am coming down with). I am learning detachment whether I want to or not!!! After the feelings subsided I had a good weekend. Thanks for listening.