NELW0703

Hello Everyone.

im not really sure what im looking for in posting here - maybe advice positive or negative.

I’m 29, own a house with my partner (we’ve been together for 8 years) who has an alcohol addiction - this came to light 18 months ago when I found bottles and bottles hidden in our garage - I tried to support my partner, he was hospitalised with withdrawal seizures in November 2022. We didn’t realise the severity of the addiction until we ended up in the same boat in February 2023 - bottles hidden in the wardrobe this time, we tried to seek medical help as we were scared withdrawing again would cause him to seizure but unfortunately were let down by his GP - my partner then went through DTs and almost died through a seizure that stopped him breathing. We stayed together and he got support through admitting he had a problem and through AA. He then relapsed again in the May and went to rehab, I stood by him when he came out of rehab until I’d found out that he has secretly racked up 85k of gambling debt. I walked away and he unfortunately relapsed again in August… we reconciled again and he has been sober for 5 months - he’s worked the 12 steps, but unfortunately relapsed 2 weeks ago and now I am at a loss.

He got back to sobriety the day after, realises that he’s not been putting in enough work. He has since got a second sponsor who he has been meeting weekly, has committed to re working the 12 steps and has been revising the big book. The issue everyone is telling me to walk away as I’m signing up for a life full of hurt. But how can i? Im finding it hard to make a decision to walk away for good because he isn’t abusive, he doesn’t put his recovery on me, he really is the most beautiful person inside and out but is dealing with this dreadful illness… how can I walk away when he is actively trying to do more to prevent him from relapsing?

It’s so easy for people to say walk away but I just don’t feel like I can and I don’t know if I should? I have faith our life won’t be like this forever but all I can find is negative stories

Hawkeye13

Maybe another way to frame this very difficult situation—I’m so sorry that you both are suffering so much—is that he needs the space to embrace and be responsible for his recovery on his own.

One thing I have learned as both daughter and wife to alcoholics, and in recovery from being one myself, is that as long as there is someone to take up, or “share” responsibility for the harm their addiction causes and “help” the addict, they will typically avail themselves of the support no matter what the cost to the loved one offering it.

$85,000,00 is a lot of money. Who will be paying this back? What does this mean to your financial security, lifestyle, and the need to continue working well beyond retirement? Love and care for another person doesn’t mean you have to light yourself on fire to keep them warm. He may indeed get sober for good this time, or it may be serial relapses, and more peripheral addictive relapses like the gambling, for the rest of his life.

Are you ready to accept he may never change? The past, unfortunately, is often the best predictor of the future. Maybe if he didn’t have you to fall back on to try and “fix” the situation, he might very well step up and make the difficult changes he has to. We can’t know what will work—but that work is his to do, and one school of thought is that stepping back and allowing him to find his own way is actually the most respectful and supportive thing you can do for him as an adult man capable of making his choices—including drinking and gambling if that’s what he wants.

Keeping yourself financially and emotionally linked to that, or not, is the only thing you actually have control over. If you legally separate now, there is nothing that says you cannot get back together in a year or two if he makes the changes he needs for you to have peace and freedom. Right now this is a nightmare for you, and isn’t sustainable for the long-term. Only you know, however, what you can accept and how much you are willing to pay from your own Life Energy to (possibly) just assist him in keeping the rollercoaster of his relapses going.

That’s a difficult call. I supported my mother until she died to continue her drinking and smoking. It cost me so much emotionally and physically, and led to a great worsening of my own drinking. Now my spouse drinks, but I have chosen to stay as he has significant health problems and his drinking is more limited in scope and I am not ready to step back yet—financially or emotionally. So I think only you can decide.

I do know that had my spouse run up that kind of debt and relapsed after multiple rehab stays I would certainly not still be living with him and letting him destroy my future retirement and financial freedom. That would be a non-starter, but that’s me and you have to decide how you feel about it—we support you whatever your choice. But put yourself first because he certainly is putting himself first and leaving your to clean up his mess. That’s a hostage situation, and not a healthy relationship.

LucyIntheGarden

Hello NEL,

I'm sorry your partner is so ill. Eight years together, you've bought a home together, it is a committed relationship. If you cannot "walk away" then that is your reality for now. It is your choice, this is your life, you cannot make your choices solely based on what others think you should be doing. Just as the person suffering with addiction must be ready, with all their heart, to finally stop drinking and to work a recovery, in order to walk away you must feel with all your heart that you want to, that you must. Your feelings of trauma will compel you. Not the rational words of friends or family. What compels partners of alcoholics to walk away for good is reaching their own bottom. Being unable and unwilling to suffer this way one more day.

He has two addictions that you are aware of: alcoholism and gambling. But it is addictive disease that is underneath both. This means he will be vulnerable to an addictive relationship with other drugs or behaviors unless he is daily working a recovery. Every strong uncomfortable feeling he has in the future, he will want to self-medicate with a substance or a behavior because his brain has come to associate emotional pain with a craving. A craving to drink or to drug or to gamble, for some a craving for compulsive sex, it is all addictive disease. It requires treatment ( counseling can be a part, medication can be a part) and daily work in a structured recovery program of some kind. The structure of a recovery program--I am thinking of 12 Step programs--gives the recovering person tools--people--to help him manage his feelings and his addictive impulses. It also helps him rebuild his sense of self and helps him heal from shame. They need to release their demons in a safe place with others who have been there.

So: that is him.

You are not today ready to walk away. Then you will do best by throwing yourself now, heart and soul, into your own recovery. The phrase "alcoholism is a family disease" is true. Most of us resist it at first, having seen how crazed our alcoholic partners are. We think we are pretty sane, it's just him who is crazy. Not so. The longer one lives in close relationship with an active alcoholic, the more trauma is compounded, and that affects our minds and our behaviors and our choices. We also need a form of treatment. Al-Anon works for many of us (it worked for me). A counselor who is trained to treat families of alcoholics (I had one). And your work, just like his, has to be daily. Daily reading of your own recovery literature, and it helps tremendously if you have a weekly group to go to. Sitting and listening to Al-Anon suggestions, others' stories of recovery. If you are unwilling to work your own recovery while you are his partner, it greatly lessens the chance your relationship will last. Even if he stays sober.

I have known women who separated from their partners during the first year or more while they each worked a recovery program, then they came back together, continuing their separate recovery programs, and it worked. These relationships can be strong and healthy. It is work, and risk, but this has great rewards for personal growth if both are committed to owning their own issues. These couples are rare. It is rare to find two people who will own their part and do their work. Most people just want to wait around for the other person to change. This never works.

I hope you find the answers you seek and are able eventually to know in your heart what action you must take.

Iamloved

I’m sorry you are going through this. It is difficult and confusing when the person is beautiful on the inside and you care deeply. The person I care for is in rehab and even though I couldn’t wait for him to go because he was erratic, I miss him a lot and there is so much uncertainty for the future. Walking away is not as easy as it sounds. I’m very confused but I just miss him and want the best for him and myself and our families as well. Take good care of yourself in the meantime. Have you read Love Yourself Like Your Life Depends on It? It’s a very easy read with practical self care and self love help. Do self love meditations regularly. Develop a healthy routine. Practice the Ho’oponopono. For him and yourself. Blessings to you 🩷

trailmix

You're right, it is easy for people on the outside of a relationship to say that. People give their opinion and some should probably be considered, but you make the decision ultimately.

You will find so many negative stories because that is the story of addiction. Are there people who get in to long term recovery? Absolutely! This website has many recovering alcoholics on it.

When you say "we" didn't know how severe the problem was, you didn't know, he knew and was lying to you. You can't drink that much and secret away bottles and not know that you have a problem. He may have been in denial, but still, deep down he knew and knows. You also don't get in to 85k in gambling debt without knowing you have a problem.

Addiction, to the addict, can be shameful and therefore secrecy is required. You thought you knew him well didn't you? Then you find out he is an alcoholic and a serious gambler. He kept this from you, on purpose.

I don't say this to be negative, I just hope you will be cautious with your feelings. What an addict says and what they do can be two completely different things, as you have witnessed first hand. By it's very nature addiction can be secretive and requires lying and deception to protect itself.

I would recommend you learn as much about addiction as you can (for you, not for him) because this is not over. Even if he does manage to stay sober now, it's a life long thing. He can never drink again, not even 2 years down the road when he thinks he has it all under control and can just "have 1".

He has an addictions problem, not just to alcohol obviously. What treatment is he seeking for this gambling? What other support does he have besides the big book and a sponsor he meets with once a week? Is he attending meetings daily or several times a week? What about the gambling?

NELW0703

I think this is another issue but he doesn’t feel that he has an ongoing issue with gambling - he knows that what happened was dreadful and out of control and knows at that moment in time that it was cross addiction whilst he was in rehab. He is paying the money back through a debt management company and will be for approximately 9 years which I know is also such a long time of financial restrictions as he is almost paying out 40% of wages on his debts. I just can’t help but still see him as the man he was before the addiction as he is still there he is kind and patient, he really does workship the ground I walk on and I know he loves me more than anything and over the past 5 months things have been so good until the obvious slip. I just don’t know how I am supposed to walk away when I know he is still in there as I’ve seen it over the last 5 months.

He is going to and on virtually several meetings a week on top of the sponsor and also the big book revision. But it is all around the alcohol - not what happened with the live casino situation (it happened over 4 weeks whilst he was in rehab). He is banned from all of the gambling websites now and can’t get any lending.

trailmix

Again, only you can make this decision, but again, caution.

Addition is a hard thing to overcome, he may struggle, even with the best of intentions. You will probably be more comfortable if you make sure you have:

- Strong boundaries, in this relationship and in general (reading Codependent no more by Melody Beattie will put you on your way to approaching what boundaries you want)
- Focusing on yourself more, not on his addiction.

Addiction, and/or living with an addict can be very isolating. If your friends don't understand, then maybe it's best not to discuss it with them. You might have a friend or family member who understands addiction, you also have us. You need support - you might want to try Al-Anon meetings, in person or online. People at Al-Anon will know exactly what you are going through.

He may well turn this around, I hope he does, but in reality (and it's important to keep your feet firmly planted), he has been sober for 2 weeks. 14 days. It's not even a drop in the sobriety ocean. Try not to look wishfully to how this will all turn out? He may well circle the wagons, get in to real recovery and all will be well, i hope so, however, if you live in hope and what "could be" and "if only", years could go by wishing.

Yes, he has issues, yes, he is working on them and good for him for doing that, but he did spend 85 thousand dollars, knowingly. He will need to acknowledge that addiction as well. Denial is not his (or your) friend. But that's up to him.

Above everything else, while you can absolutely decide to stay, this is his challenge, this is something he will have to address, your part in it is really pretty small.

venuscat

I think people may be suggesting that you walk away because he is not telling you the truth.

The gambling issue is a MASSIVE red flag, and he needs to address that every bit as much as his drinking as it is all part of the same problem.

Just my thoughts, of course, and sending you love. s ❤️

qtpi

He gambled that much over 4 weeks of rehab. Sounds like he just replaced the alcohol with gambling. So he wasn’t really rehabbing those 4 weeks.

Hawkeye13

I agree with this, unfortunately. So if you continue the relationship, it will be with someone who has a 40% reduction in income for nearly a decade? What does this mean for your lifestyle and future? What if he does gamble again?

mattmathews

Many years ago, long before I knew much about alcoholism, or recovery, or why I might need recovery I read someone's story and they basically suggested that they just wished they had done something 5 years sooner. Five or 10 years later, when my alcoholic spouse had hit rock bottom, when I had hit rock bottom, I remembered those words!
I think it's worth taking the time to ask yourself the question, especially if you're not ready to take action now: In 5 years, after more rounds of rehab, of finding bottles stashed in the trunk of the car or under the bed, or underneath the sink, or in the vegetable crisper, after more medical interventions (none fatal, god willing), after missing outings with friends, after isolation, after all of that...will you wish you'd done something 5 years ago?
As a procrastinator from way back, I look at younger people who find recovery, who find a better life than they could have ever imagined, and I feel a little tinge of jealousy! It took me a long time to take action. You know we can't ever go back, but right here, right now, we can dig deep and find the courage to change the things we can...and we can let go of the things we have absolutely no control over...including another person's drinking.
I recommend attending Al-anon meetings because they helped me, but even more importantly because learned there that I don't have to do it alone, and that was a gift. Good luck to you on your journey.

Maziegrace

Good morning! We have similar stories, though my husband doesn’t have the gambling addiction. Walking away can be an extremely difficult decision, especially when you can see the good person within, and there is not abuse. I chose to stay and there were a few people who suggested I leave. I never felt like that was the answer for me - and I had conversations with my higher power about that -Please help me to know if that is what you have in mind for me, if that is the right thing to do. And please make it really clear! My husband nearly died and in the end chose to go to detox and rehab. (This was not the first time, but it’s a bit of a story).

You didn’t mention if there are things that you are doing for yourself. Do you go to Al-Anon meetings? Do you have a sponsor? In living with alcoholism we are really affected too. We develop coping mechanisms that may or may not be good for us or for helping the alcoholic. Whether you choose to stay or not, most important is getting support for yourself. This is the one thing that you can do that will be helpful for you and may possibly be helpful to your husband as well, though that’s not guaranteed.

I’d be happy to chat with you more if you’d like. I’m new on here (but not new to Al-Anon), and don’t know how people can reach out to each other directly. Reluctant to put my contact info on here.
Tempe

PS In my opinion, the gambling is an issue, but the primary addiction of alcoholism needs to be addressed first. If he can’t stay sober, he won’t be able to work on the gambling addiction. Also, an addiction is a way of medicating oneself, so if one has an addictive personality, it’s not surprising that there’s more than one way of trying to cope with life.

biminiblue

Hey, Mazie, welcome to the site. Definitely not a good idea to post personal info, and any emails or phone numbers would be redacted by the site Moderators.

The person who posted this story only posted the two posts in this thread on Feb 24 - and hasn't been back to the site.

There is a private messaging system you can access once you have a few posts...not sure how many, go to this post for the site info:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...b3_board_usage