jsk

My last post here was in 2013. Things are so much worse now. My 40 year old son lives alone in his own place. Has been divorced about 10 years and has not seen his 10 year old daughter in over 2 years. His situation for several years has been a roller coster with periods of sobriety alternating with daily drinking and prolonged binge drinking. (He also has anxiety and depression but refused to seek treatment so he self-medicates with alcohol.) During one binge last year he lost his job. He had a wonderful period of sobriety for 6-8 months, during which they hired him back. Before the holidays last year he backslid, began drinking again, and has been in a downward spiral. He has recently stopped going to work, so undoubtedly has been fired. He has been drinking continuously, probably not eating. He will answer the phone, but can hardly speak. We have stood behind him and encouraged him for 20+ years, but we have finally given up hope, and have decided to check on him but do nothing else unless he asks, which he will not. I have a fear this will result in us finding him dead one day, and I'm struggling with that. Not sure if we are doing the right thing. By leaving him alone, it seems we are allowing him to kill himself, but after all these years nothing changes. Could use some words of wisdom here.

RunningScared

Keep in mind the 3 C's: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it. This is a horribly sad situation, but you can only do so much. He has to make the decision to help himself.

venuscat

I am sorry, but I just cannot deal with that—the three Cs thing.

So, you have a child, and they have a terminal illness, and you leave them alone with it?
This is 2024, and substance abuse disorder is a recognised medical illness, a chronic illness, just like diabetes.

As parents, you have the power to get your child hospitalised for a short period, perhaps just 72 hours, and that might save their life.

And yes, I will get yelled at again for saying this, but I can't be silent.
And please don't suggest that I don't know because I am on the other side of this, as a recovering alcoholic; I have been on both sides.

So, if it were me, dear jsk, I would call my doctor and tell them that this is an emergency and see what they can do. I do appreciate that there are different laws in different parts of the country, but I would try.

Sending you and your family love. s

venuscat

This was written in 2023, and is from one of the leading rehabs in America:

"The Current Status of Involuntary Commitment Laws

To the best of our knowledge, 37 states and the District of Columbia (DC) have laws in place that allow for the involuntary commitment of individuals with a "substance use disorder," "alcoholism" or both. However, in most states, these laws are seldom used, and many families, physicians and local judges are unaware of the option."

(Hazelden, Betty Ford)

trailmix

I agree with the 3 c's, it's the truth. That said, if, in your state, you can have him committed for a period of time, I would take that route. He is beyond comprehension no doubt.

It's worth a call to a lawyer or other legal organization in your area (even a rehab or other treatment facility) as they will know where things stand in your state.

Please let us know how you get on.

Bute

Hello jsk
i don't live in the US, but in UK. As far as I'm aware, a person can only be involuntarily committed to a mental health hospital if they meet specific criteria. Drug/alcohol use disorder is not a criteria here.
Although it is heart wrenching, it is a difficult task to make someone stop drinking or drug taking, even when we know it may shorten their life. Especially when that person is an adult.
You can find out if it is possible where you are to have him committed against his will, but that doesn't guarantee that he won't start drinking again when he gets out.
This has been a long road you have travelled with him, and I know how utterly exhausting and destructive the impact of addiction can be on everyone.
Wishing you the best
Much Love
Bute x

venuscat

"Unlike some other countries where an individual can be committed to a detox facility by a family member, this is not possible in the UK or Europe. An individual can be sectioned under the mental health act if deemed a serious danger to themselves or others, but it is rare that this happens for alcoholics."

wyrd

That is not what the three Cs mean I think.

My sister took her life after my mother refused to take her back into her home after she'd moved out into her own apartment a year before but due to her schizophrenia, she was deteriorating and alone.

My mother had her life back after years and years of caring for my sister. My sister once said she just knew that my mother would, age 90, still visit her in the psychiatric hospital every day if it came to that. We were all codependent in that situation and my mother just refused to go back to that situation. She fought to have her hospitalized time and time again over the years but it is pretty much impossible in my country and we never actually got that done. Of course, if she'd known my sister would take her life, my mother would have taken her back in on the spot but the truth is if a person decides to end their life in whichever way, they will do it. It has nothing to do with their caregiver, or loved ones.

venuscat

I understand, and I am so very sorry for all that your family went through. s ❤️

wyrd

Thanks venuscat, I don't doubt that you do. I'm surprised that the US seem to allow involuntary hospitalization more often than elsewhere. OP should definitely make an attempt if it saves their son's life. It's horrible, witnessing something like that, especially as parents, I know my mother would give her life to bring her back but back then, she wanted to live again, too.

I guess my point was that, while of course the three C's should never be used as a carte blanche to wash one's hands of a loved one's struggles with drugs or mental illness, sometimes doing the best isn't enough and although the helplessness hurts far more than going no contact, you stay around and do what you can, until you can't. Callous, perhaps, but it serves as a reminder that there are limits to what we can do, if help isn't wanted.

venuscat

I have no words to express how much your last posts mean to me, dear wyrd; I want to say thank you but it doesn't feel like enough. ❤️❤️

And I am sending love.

jsk

He has been "pushed" into rehab three times, and each time we could see he wasn't really taking it seriously. Once he was out, he would soon start drinking. Every time he has hit bottom, lost jobs, etc., we came to his rescue. He has never had to completely figure his situation out on his own, so we know we are largely to blame. Last year he sobered up on his own, started going to AA meetings, looking for a job, had about 6-8 really good months, and his old job hired him back. During that time, we encourage him to get established with a physician that could help him get started on meds for his anxiety and depression. He never did that, and subsequently became anxious and depressed, and started drinking again. I feel like he has to want to get better and seek to do it on his own. Otherwise, this will never end. We are getting older and cant keep doing this. We just need the strength to step back.

wyrd

It sounds like you tried everything at every turn to support him and you understood that getting sober is only half the battle. It's natural instinct for parents to do everything to keep their kids from hitting rock bottom.
He's never dealt with that hidden pain that makes him drink, but white-knuckling sobriety seems to always lead to drinking and the pressure of confronting that pain became too big. Every person's rock bottom is different, perhaps his is at a point where there's no return. The rollercoaster alcoholism puts families through, hope can become this horrible thing when it gets crushed repeatedly but when it's your kid, you hope for all of you.

Thanks venuscat, right back at you!

venuscat

s

jsk, I wonder if it would make a difference to your son if he knew you can't do this anymore.
I am sure he knows on many levels that he has pushed you both to the very end of your limits, but have you been able to sit down with him and tell him this?
I may be way, way off base, but looking you in the eye and hearing this might be the catalyst he needs to help himself.

My parents spent years digging me out of holes and telling me to get my life in order, and I finally did it, but it took a long time, and it was very unfair to them.
Ultimately, I became their carer in their final years, and it was an incredible blessing for me because I was able to give back to them for all they had done for me.

I really hope your son sees the light and decides to help himself out of this mess. s

trailmix

And if you are ready to step back, then you should. You are not wrong, you are not evil or uncaring. Only he can fight this battle, I think you have tried really hard to help. The only reason I seconded the suggestion to have him held is because of what you said here:



He may well drink himself to death, this is a real possibility if he continues on as he is. My suggestion to have him legally committed is honestly about you and him. I would hate to think that you will suffer saying - why didn't we.

Do I think that "why didn't we" is an endless string of tried (and failed) support, absolutely not. You do deserve to live your life with peace and contentment.

I think this is probably your last ditch effort. You can't fix him, he will do what he will do and make those choices.

​​​​​​​

jsk

My gut instinct tells me we need to step back and let him figure it out. I believe he is capable, but has never been given the chance because we have always enabled him. We just need to find the strength to be able to watch him struggle, no matter how bad it gets. That's the dilemma we are facing. Thanks for all the kind and wise words. I truly appreciate it.

trailmix

You know him best. If you think this might be a good chance for him to really look at what he is doing, you may well be right.

It will be very hard to stand back, just keep reminding yourself why you are doing this.

"Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference".

Serenity Bound

Jsk, sounds like my life, I haven't been on sober recovery in many years...maybe 22.
here I am again in the same situation.
I, like you, need the strength to say no and stick to it.
I'm praying for you, myself and all other members.
.

woodlandlost

JSK, sorry to hear about the situation. Horrible, painful and so much more. Very brave and difficult decision and road ahead for you, and I hope you find some acceptance and peace and that your son finds his way out.

Refiner

“My gut instinct tells me we need to step back and let him figure it out. I believe he is capable, but has never been given the chance because we have always enabled him. We just need to find the strength to be able to watch him struggle, no matter how bad it gets.”

I think you just stated your ONLY path forward yourself. By enabling all this time, you are essential loving him to death. May he get worse before getting better? Sure. But most need to hit their rock bottom before personally WANTING to get the help. Plus, I think him not taking responsibility to get on meds to help his anxiety and depression is him just giving himself permission to “self-medicate” like he says he is.