“My gut instinct tells me we need to step back and let him figure it out. I believe he is capable, but has never been given the chance because we have always enabled him. We just need to find the strength to be able to watch him struggle, no matter how bad it gets.”
I think you just stated your ONLY path forward yourself. By enabling all this time, you are essential loving him to death. May he get worse before getting better? Sure. But most need to hit their rock bottom before personally WANTING to get the help. Plus, I think him not taking responsibility to get on meds to help his anxiety and depression is him just giving himself permission to “self-medicate” like he says he is.