Uninterested in what I say
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Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
Uninterested in what I say
My boyfriend is 2.5 years sober. We've been on and off due to his intense emotions and honestly he's been vile in the past. He has a very caring sweet side. But he can ruin it in seconds when he can't handle a disagreement. He never sorts issues with me. If he's in a foul mood or tired and I quieten down around him, he then snaps that I'm being moody. He wouldn't entertain its the vibes I'm receiving from him. He then usually sends me home like a naughty child and we go through the rest of the day on silence or him listing why its always me.
He's actually arranged a weekend away for us at the end of May. He's actually trying as we've never been away. Overall he's learned to be kinder with his words. He no longer swears at me and he is alot better in that respect. I am not making excuses but he did need to learn to handle his emotions after drinking.
Anyway he's working away and living in hotels..no home..but hes starting to put his life together. When we split up last year he ended up at a friend's flat. This wasn't exactly a friend.it was a local addict he had got speaking too. This addict is a thief etc. I think part of the reason he reached out to me again was he needed my help to find somewhere sensible and help him get out that flat. He has gained weight and I now house his dog. I see he's becoming a better man..
Whats bothering me though is he's got Itno a new habit of everything I tell him about my day. Work. Friends.house etc. He is so disinterested when I talk. He makes me spit out what I want to say real fast and I feel I can't get Into details before I feel he's sick of hearing it. He keeps telling me I waffle! Whatever I talk about. Its waffle to him. Yet he talks about his work and people around him to me all the time. Infact I get run downs on the women in the hotel he's staying at that work there. The minute I mentioned who's house I was cleaning this week he tells me he doesn't see why he needs to know that and its of no interest to him. He makes me feel so thick and uninteresting. I said to him he doesn't care about what I say. He said don't be silly ofcourse I do. But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc.
I've started using a gradual tanning product on my legs. He went into a local highstreet on saturday and got me a different brand of this stuff. He originally said he was going to buy it for himself. But then he phoned me and said he'd gone in and told the girl in the shop his girlfriend had really pale legs and it was affecting her confidence so she won't wear skirts or shorts in the summer. I actually did a shocked laugh. He said I'm.just saying it how it is!
He is constantly telling me he wants me to buy clothes and feel good about myself. I hate it. He makes me feel stupid and inexperienced
He's actually arranged a weekend away for us at the end of May. He's actually trying as we've never been away. Overall he's learned to be kinder with his words. He no longer swears at me and he is alot better in that respect. I am not making excuses but he did need to learn to handle his emotions after drinking.
Anyway he's working away and living in hotels..no home..but hes starting to put his life together. When we split up last year he ended up at a friend's flat. This wasn't exactly a friend.it was a local addict he had got speaking too. This addict is a thief etc. I think part of the reason he reached out to me again was he needed my help to find somewhere sensible and help him get out that flat. He has gained weight and I now house his dog. I see he's becoming a better man..
Whats bothering me though is he's got Itno a new habit of everything I tell him about my day. Work. Friends.house etc. He is so disinterested when I talk. He makes me spit out what I want to say real fast and I feel I can't get Into details before I feel he's sick of hearing it. He keeps telling me I waffle! Whatever I talk about. Its waffle to him. Yet he talks about his work and people around him to me all the time. Infact I get run downs on the women in the hotel he's staying at that work there. The minute I mentioned who's house I was cleaning this week he tells me he doesn't see why he needs to know that and its of no interest to him. He makes me feel so thick and uninteresting. I said to him he doesn't care about what I say. He said don't be silly ofcourse I do. But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc.
I've started using a gradual tanning product on my legs. He went into a local highstreet on saturday and got me a different brand of this stuff. He originally said he was going to buy it for himself. But then he phoned me and said he'd gone in and told the girl in the shop his girlfriend had really pale legs and it was affecting her confidence so she won't wear skirts or shorts in the summer. I actually did a shocked laugh. He said I'm.just saying it how it is!
He is constantly telling me he wants me to buy clothes and feel good about myself. I hate it. He makes me feel stupid and inexperienced
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Join Date: May 2015
Posts: 32,382
... part of the reason he reached out to me again was he needed my help to find somewhere sensible and help him get out that flat. He has gained weight and I now house his dog. ...
... But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc. ...
... makes me feel stupid and inexperienced...
... But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc. ...
... makes me feel stupid and inexperienced...
You have helped him and this is his response?
I think you deserve much, much better than this fellow.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
You have described emotional abuse and gaslighting.
Sober or not, this person is cruel to you. You do not deserve to be treated with such blatant disrespect.
I have been in relationships where this dynamic crept in gradually, and it’s miserable. I felt that I couldn’t trust myself and my self-esteem was terrible.
This is unacceptable behavior. How can you be free of it before it breaks you?
Sober or not, this person is cruel to you. You do not deserve to be treated with such blatant disrespect.
I have been in relationships where this dynamic crept in gradually, and it’s miserable. I felt that I couldn’t trust myself and my self-esteem was terrible.
This is unacceptable behavior. How can you be free of it before it breaks you?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2021
Posts: 127
I've been here with him before. Sometimes I know I really don't want him but he always pulls me back in. Just lately his behaviour is changing. He's putting more effort in with me like booking the weekend away. That may not go ahead though if he has a reason to go in a bad mood he'd just loose the money. But it's this other stuff. I remember the last time we was together he was constantly saying I should wear different things and saying I should be wearing shorts in the summer. I like midi length dresses and skirts and black tights in the winter with shorter things. But I feel like he makes it into a massive lack of confidence because I won't wear short stuff with legs out. But also this whole thing about making me feel 90% of what I say is waffle. He's so rude lately and I feel there is no point speaking to him another my life. He says he wants me for the rest of his life. Sometimes he surprises me and acts like the future is great and we have such to look forward to.
An example is 9 weeks ago I started cleaning people's homes. I cleaned the house of a CEO of a particularly well known holiday company. I told him I met them and had a chat with them. He said why the hell do i need to know that. If it doesn't concern you or me what's it got to be to do with..your cleaning his house. Not him!
A week later. He told Me the woman at the hotel he was staying at had hugged him. Gave him more biscuits. Said this. Said that.
I just stood there and thought how the hell Is that information relevant if mine was a completely ridiculous thing to say.
Also ivE just realised writing this how bad it is.
An example is 9 weeks ago I started cleaning people's homes. I cleaned the house of a CEO of a particularly well known holiday company. I told him I met them and had a chat with them. He said why the hell do i need to know that. If it doesn't concern you or me what's it got to be to do with..your cleaning his house. Not him!
A week later. He told Me the woman at the hotel he was staying at had hugged him. Gave him more biscuits. Said this. Said that.
I just stood there and thought how the hell Is that information relevant if mine was a completely ridiculous thing to say.
Also ivE just realised writing this how bad it is.
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Virginia
Posts: 134
It all sounds very manipulative, controlling and downright abusive to me and I feel your pain and irritation through your words. Maybe you can spend some time with a friend or family member who appreciates your narrative and story-telling. You should be valued for who you are... the REAL you, not what or how someone else thinks you should be!
When I get this type of treatment, I find something else to do and remove myself from the barrage of criticism... I have stopped internalizing it and personalizing it all.
Please don't let this man walk all over you, you are worth so much more than that.
When I get this type of treatment, I find something else to do and remove myself from the barrage of criticism... I have stopped internalizing it and personalizing it all.
Please don't let this man walk all over you, you are worth so much more than that.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,650
Originally Posted by Strawbz11 
I said to him he doesn't care about what I say. He said don't be silly of course I do
Please don't let him have you feeling like you are stupid or inexperienced or anything else. There is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with his behaviour.
Strabz, you are at the point where you are going to be so worn down by his criticisms and "suggestions" that your self esteem will be dragging on the ground, if it isn't already.
He went to the pharmacy and spoke to the woman there about your self tanning? Like you are incapable of picking your own products? You are incapable of choosing what you want to wear? He's treating you like you are a half wit. Please don't let that happen.
Also I've just realised writing this how bad it is.
He may be sober, but that's pretty much all he's got going for him. He talks about the future, imagine years and years and years of this.
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Join Date: Jun 2022
Posts: 34
I am sorry you're going through this. It hurts to feel that the person you are with isn't interested in what you're saying. It makes you feel like you're wasting your breath when you speak. And it is even worse to be told to hurry up and get out what you want to say fast when this happens in order to appease them! Personally, I stumble over my words when I'm under that kind of pressure and then I end up feeling like I'd rather just not talk about it at all. I can relate to you is what I'm trying to say. I go through this with my boyfriend.
They are always keen to tell us about their day and what happens with their co-workers, etc. My boyfriend loves to complain about his work and the people there, but if I bring up anything about my day, he could not care less.
Alcoholism is rooted in selfishness. They don't care about how their actions hurt other people and similarly, they have little capacity to care about what we have to say even if it's just the mundane day to day stuff. While your partner is sober, the selfishness and the traits of the addict personality will always be there... It's the predisposition and his disposition is selfishness.
I've been dealing with this for a while and it leaves you feeling extremely lonely! My fiance passed away in a car accident before I met my current boyfriend who is an alcoholic. My fiance listened to me and I could tell him anything and everything and he actually cared about what I had to say. So I know it is possible.
Like trailmix said, over time, all of the jabs at your self-esteem can bring you to the point where you can't get back up. I am almost at that point. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I isolate myself more than ever before and my self esteem is at its lowest point. Do no let him do this to you. It sounds like you don't live together, so it is easier to set aside time for yourself and have days where you don't see him.
They are always keen to tell us about their day and what happens with their co-workers, etc. My boyfriend loves to complain about his work and the people there, but if I bring up anything about my day, he could not care less.
Alcoholism is rooted in selfishness. They don't care about how their actions hurt other people and similarly, they have little capacity to care about what we have to say even if it's just the mundane day to day stuff. While your partner is sober, the selfishness and the traits of the addict personality will always be there... It's the predisposition and his disposition is selfishness.
I've been dealing with this for a while and it leaves you feeling extremely lonely! My fiance passed away in a car accident before I met my current boyfriend who is an alcoholic. My fiance listened to me and I could tell him anything and everything and he actually cared about what I had to say. So I know it is possible.
Like trailmix said, over time, all of the jabs at your self-esteem can bring you to the point where you can't get back up. I am almost at that point. I've been with my boyfriend for 4 years and I isolate myself more than ever before and my self esteem is at its lowest point. Do no let him do this to you. It sounds like you don't live together, so it is easier to set aside time for yourself and have days where you don't see him.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 143
Originally Posted by Strawbz11
My boyfriend is 2.5 years sober. We've been on and off due to his intense emotions and honestly he's been vile in the past. He has a very caring sweet side. But he can ruin it in seconds when he can't handle a disagreement. He never sorts issues with me. If he's in a foul mood or tired and I quieten down around him, he then snaps that I'm being moody. He wouldn't entertain its the vibes I'm receiving from him. He then usually sends me home like a naughty child and we go through the rest of the day on silence or him listing why its always me.
He's actually arranged a weekend away for us at the end of May. He's actually trying as we've never been away. Overall he's learned to be kinder with his words. He no longer swears at me and he is alot better in that respect. I am not making excuses but he did need to learn to handle his emotions after drinking.
Anyway he's working away and living in hotels..no home..but hes starting to put his life together. When we split up last year he ended up at a friend's flat. This wasn't exactly a friend.it was a local addict he had got speaking too. This addict is a thief etc. I think part of the reason he reached out to me again was he needed my help to find somewhere sensible and help him get out that flat. He has gained weight and I now house his dog. I see he's becoming a better man..
Whats bothering me though is he's got Itno a new habit of everything I tell him about my day. Work. Friends.house etc. He is so disinterested when I talk. He makes me spit out what I want to say real fast and I feel I can't get Into details before I feel he's sick of hearing it. He keeps telling me I waffle! Whatever I talk about. Its waffle to him. Yet he talks about his work and people around him to me all the time. Infact I get run downs on the women in the hotel he's staying at that work there. The minute I mentioned who's house I was cleaning this week he tells me he doesn't see why he needs to know that and its of no interest to him. He makes me feel so thick and uninteresting. I said to him he doesn't care about what I say. He said don't be silly ofcourse I do. But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc.
I've started using a gradual tanning product on my legs. He went into a local highstreet on saturday and got me a different brand of this stuff. He originally said he was going to buy it for himself. But then he phoned me and said he'd gone in and told the girl in the shop his girlfriend had really pale legs and it was affecting her confidence so she won't wear skirts or shorts in the summer. I actually did a shocked laugh. He said I'm.just saying it how it is!
He is constantly telling me he wants me to buy clothes and feel good about myself. I hate it. He makes me feel stupid and inexperienced
He's actually arranged a weekend away for us at the end of May. He's actually trying as we've never been away. Overall he's learned to be kinder with his words. He no longer swears at me and he is alot better in that respect. I am not making excuses but he did need to learn to handle his emotions after drinking.
Anyway he's working away and living in hotels..no home..but hes starting to put his life together. When we split up last year he ended up at a friend's flat. This wasn't exactly a friend.it was a local addict he had got speaking too. This addict is a thief etc. I think part of the reason he reached out to me again was he needed my help to find somewhere sensible and help him get out that flat. He has gained weight and I now house his dog. I see he's becoming a better man..
Whats bothering me though is he's got Itno a new habit of everything I tell him about my day. Work. Friends.house etc. He is so disinterested when I talk. He makes me spit out what I want to say real fast and I feel I can't get Into details before I feel he's sick of hearing it. He keeps telling me I waffle! Whatever I talk about. Its waffle to him. Yet he talks about his work and people around him to me all the time. Infact I get run downs on the women in the hotel he's staying at that work there. The minute I mentioned who's house I was cleaning this week he tells me he doesn't see why he needs to know that and its of no interest to him. He makes me feel so thick and uninteresting. I said to him he doesn't care about what I say. He said don't be silly ofcourse I do. But I can see he's being rude. He's also constantly saying I'm messy. Forgetful etc.
I've started using a gradual tanning product on my legs. He went into a local highstreet on saturday and got me a different brand of this stuff. He originally said he was going to buy it for himself. But then he phoned me and said he'd gone in and told the girl in the shop his girlfriend had really pale legs and it was affecting her confidence so she won't wear skirts or shorts in the summer. I actually did a shocked laugh. He said I'm.just saying it how it is!
He is constantly telling me he wants me to buy clothes and feel good about myself. I hate it. He makes me feel stupid and inexperienced
Member
Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 15
Hi
Sounds like he doesn't care about you but knows you will help him when he needs it and give him attention when he needs it. He is keeping you on the hook by throwing in a couple nice things mixed in all the bad. You deserve someone who is eager to hear about your day and your life. A good person would be excited by your fantastic life and want to be a part of it. Since he is just your bf and you don't live together I would take that as a good thing because at least you aren't married with kids trying to navigate this. Stop contacting him, block him if you need to, and yes it'll be a difficult couple of weeks but let yourself cry and then one day you'll feel like getting up off the kitchen floor because you're just done crying and you will get back to making your life great again. You can do it good luck.
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Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 983
There are so many people in this world. Why settle? Alcohol, sobriety or not - this doesn't sound like a healthy match at all and one that is not satisfying. Just my 2 cents. I hope this didn't sound crass - I struggled for MANY years with a husband that just wasn't a good fit. At all. Sure we had good times, but looking back I should have left long, long ago. I tried and pushed (my codependency) to build a life on sand. The foundation couldn't withstand simple life.
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Join Date: May 2023
Posts: 15
For behappy:
Originally Posted by Behappy1
There are so many people in this world. Why settle? Alcohol, sobriety or not - this doesn't sound like a healthy match at all and one that is not satisfying. Just my 2 cents. I hope this didn't sound crass - I struggled for MANY years with a husband that just wasn't a good fit. At all. Sure we had good times, but looking back I should have left long, long ago. I tried and pushed (my codependency) to build a life on sand. The foundation couldn't withstand simple life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2016
Posts: 983
If things are going ok now, why not leave things status quo and throw in some counseling? You don't have to get divorced right now. Step back and let him do what he's going to do and be who he's going to be. It sounds like he's still new to recovery - that is a HARD place to be as he's just finding himself and who he is/wants to be as a sober person. Will he stay sober, will he toy with alcohol again - that is a big variable and there are no guarantees. I have been 100% on both sides of the fence. I understand not wanting to leave just before the rainbow after the storm that you've weathered.
That's awesome that you're getting your confidence back and taking charge of YOUR life and yourself. Keep it up.
That's awesome that you're getting your confidence back and taking charge of YOUR life and yourself. Keep it up.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
PineappleGirl, no one can make this decision for you. You'll know when you're done, truly.
I wouldn't go back to someone purely for financial help, though. You can find a way to make it without him.
The chances of him staying sober long-term are still unknown, and none of us have a crystal ball.
I wouldn't go back to someone purely for financial help, though. You can find a way to make it without him.
The chances of him staying sober long-term are still unknown, and none of us have a crystal ball.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Right here, right now!
Posts: 3,424
Strawbz-
My heart aches for you. One of the things I had to realize was how often in my life I was trying to get people to see me, hear me, and listen to me. Often I was trying to show people how I wanted to be treated, thinking that I had that kind of control over someone else.
For me the real work was to recognize when someone was not capable of what I wanted (either short or long-term), and change my expectations and relationships rather than continuing to bang my head against a wall around things I could not control.
My heart aches for you. One of the things I had to realize was how often in my life I was trying to get people to see me, hear me, and listen to me. Often I was trying to show people how I wanted to be treated, thinking that I had that kind of control over someone else.
For me the real work was to recognize when someone was not capable of what I wanted (either short or long-term), and change my expectations and relationships rather than continuing to bang my head against a wall around things I could not control.
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Join Date: May 2016
Location: east coast
Posts: 532
I was in a 33 year marriage and experienced the same unfortunate experience. As soon as I wanted to share my life, I was shut down. It was all about his selfish ways. I had to listen to his drunken rants but I wasn’t important enough to him to lend me an ear. I was cursed at and treated shabbily. I left seven years ago and have peace in my life and people who care about me and show it by their actions and their words. Occasionally I still come on this site. This is why: One of my children alienated me because of the split and he will have nothing to do with me. Recently I found out his wife is expecting their first child in 4 days. Unfortunately, my brain tells me I should have stayed. You would not have lost your son and your grandchild. I have to remember that I deserved better and I tried everything I could. I still struggle with self esteem, sleeping problems, etc. Not all because of the marriage. My upbringing was such that I did not recognize unacceptable behavior for what it was.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: SF Bay Area, CA
Posts: 33,534
Boundaries. I don't mean to be mean, because I struggle with trying to keep toxic people out of my life but ... you need to let go of this one and the more quickly the better. He sounds like he's abusive and trying to ruin your life.
I'm so sorry about your situation. This is not good for you.
Love and peace and best of luck to you.
I'm so sorry about your situation. This is not good for you.
Love and peace and best of luck to you.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 274
He makes you feel stupid, he doesn't listen to you, he curses at you, and - on top of all that - he sounds like a dry drunk. I'm going out on a limb, perhaps, but given your description, I'm skeptical of his chances of long-term sobriety.
In the long run, being friends is vitally important in a romantic partner. And he sounds like he's incapable of friendship.
Edit: are you sure he's not using? I'm wondering if his occasional bouts of sweetness are when he's in that brief period of cheerful drunkenness, before things get ugly as the booze wears off.
In the long run, being friends is vitally important in a romantic partner. And he sounds like he's incapable of friendship.
Edit: are you sure he's not using? I'm wondering if his occasional bouts of sweetness are when he's in that brief period of cheerful drunkenness, before things get ugly as the booze wears off.
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