CAAW

Hello, I have been married for almost 7 years and have to young children. My husband is in his terms a "funcitional alcoholic". He isn't abusive physically. I don't know if I can say if he is or isn't mentally. For the past 7 years his problem with drinking has progressed. He went from drinking a few nights a week 4-6 beers to know drinking 7 days a week 8-12 beers.
I started going to counsleing on my own to try and become healthy. I have made great improvement, but at this poing I am at a standstill. I am at the point where I have to make the descison to either tell him he has to choose, it's either his drinking or me and the kids. What really pushed me to this point is my concern for the impact it is making on the children. They see him drink every night. They are going to grow up thinking it is the norm. JUST AS MY HUSBAND DID...HIS DAD DRINKS EVERY NIGHT TOO!
Our typical day is he comes home from work, helps with dinner, and kids, while already drinking a beer (he usually starts drinking as soon as he gets home). Once dinner is over he sits down in his recliner drinks and watches TV until he either goes to bed or passes out in his recliner. He usually falls asleep with a beer in his hand that I have to take so he doesn't spill it. There are other times he goes straight to the neighbors drinks a few with them and then comes home and does the same routine of drinking in the recliner, or he might go to the bar for a few (going to the bar isn't as common). He seems to prefer to drink at home.
I've approached him about his drinking several times and his response is "deal with it or leave me"
He also thinks that since he is "funcitonal" meaning: he gets up, goes to work, has a house, and takes care of the "basics" he is fine. He says his dad does the same thing and he has a good job, nice house, boat...So he says it isn't that big of a deal.

I feel diferently.
I guess why I am tyeping this is I really need to have someones imput that is going through or has went through a similar situatiion. I have talked to my counsler and girlfriends about it, but it's hard for them to understand because they are not in the situation. One of my best friends reccommend I joing a support group online...so this is what I am trying.

Anyone out there have info or advice? I'd really apprecite it.

Barbara52

I married a "functional" alcoholic. When I would bring up his drinking, he would always say he was never gonna change, he wasn't an alcholic, etc.

He stepped out of that "functional" stage when his drinking led to him being fired. Things went down rapidly from there. I ended up leaving and divorcing the man and it was the best thing I could have done for me and my son who lives with me. My life and spirit were slowly being crushed trying to stay married to a man for whom the only important thing was alcohol.

Functional is a stage. It ends sooner or later, there is no way of telling how long the so called functional alcholic manages to remain fucntional or what might tip the scales into the next stage.

All you can do is decide if this one and only life you have is the way you want it to be, are your children learning the lessons you want them to learn and display when they grow up. You cannot change him. You can change yourself, the way you live and the lessons you are teaching your children.

tjp613

I'm not married to an alcoholic, my son is addicted to drugs. But my father was an alcoholic and my first husband is one. My best friend's husband is one.

I have been going to Al-anon for the last 6 weeks, 1-2 meetings a week and I highly encourage you to go. Sit thru the meeting and just listen, you don't need to say anything. Then I'd encourage you to stay for 5-10 minutes afterwards -- there will be others there who have been in the program for 5,10, 15+ years and they've heard it all. There will also be lots of literature there for you to take home if you like.

I promise that Al-anon offers hope of sanity for you and your family, whether or not you choose to stay in your situation.

You are so right to be concerned for your children. Remember that your energy and attention is consumed by your husband (being an alcoholic) and what's left over, if any, is given to your children. In reality, alcoholism is a family dysfunction and you all are playing a role. Al-anon can help you to become aware of these effects.

If you'd like some suggested reading, we have lots!

justanothrdrunk

I don't have any advice BUT...

You are married to ME a few years ago. EXACTLY my story. Thought I was functional too. But when I broke it down later while in treatment, "functional" just means fiscal responsibility. If all there is to living life is keeping a job and paying bills on time...

First rehab - Oct, 2001. Was supposed to stay 28 days. Left after 5. Stayed sober on my own for 18 months. Got back to my regular drinking rythm after that.

Second rehab - July, 2004. Stayed 28 days. Did the whole AA, sponsor, 12 steps thing. Stayed sober 16 months. Got back to my regular drinking rythm after that.

HOSPITALIZED - June, 2007- alcoholic neuropathy. Lost use of my hands, trouble walking because alcohol fried my nervous system (yes, it can do that - not just the liver at stake there) in ICU for 4 days.

3rd Rehab - July, 2007 - stayed 6 months plus 4 more months in a sober house. Currently have 2 yrs+ sober.

What's my point? Um, I'm not sure. But there it is. Whatever you do, you do for you and the kids. You can't do anything for him. He has to do it.

cmc

Hello CAAW,
Welcome to SR. You've already got some great replies.
I've found that even with taking alcohol (or any other problem/conflict) out of the picture, the word 'functional' is one of the most subjective terms I've heard in the rooms of recovery and here on this site.

All that word means to me is that somebody thinks that they or someone else maintains a particular level of what they feel is acceptable.

In Al-Anon, I've learned that one of my problems was setting the bar (no pun intended) too low- for what is acceptable for me to tolerate or be around.

It's nice to meet you; and in case you haven't seen them yet---our Sticky threads contain alot of helpful posts, resources and other information for family members & friends of alcoholics.

swert

Honestly I don't believe in something like "functional alcoholic". My husband calls himself the same name. To me there are people who can handle their drink and people who can't. There is nothing in between. Ask yourself if it's a functional marriage? Do You feel happy, do You want to live like this for the rest of your life? Does it satisfy You? It is really difficult do understand that you can't change other person. We belive in a power of love. We belive than our love will change other person. We think that if the other person loves us he will change. This is an illusion. They just love to drink, they have to drink to feel good. My husband also goes to work, but all the other things go worse and worse, every year. You should start thinking first about youself, about what you really want. Maybe put it down on the paper. Second think about your kids. That's all. I go to Al Anon meetings.

naive

hello caaw-

of course, the children are a primary concern here. other people have addressed that.

what i want to address is you. is this relationship satisfying you spiritually, emotionally, physically? from what you've explained, he's away at work all day and then comes home, eats, and drinks in front of the tv.

for myself, i want a partner who is engaged in life and has interests and is interested in working together with me towards common goals and dreams. i want support in the tough times, i want someone to understand my struggles.

in exchange, i am willing to walk one hundred miles with them, support them, love them, care for them and hopefully, bring out the best in them.

life is tough, for all of us. i want a partner who is willing to face our difficulties together, to work towards recovery not only in drinking but anything which is holding us back. i want to grow together, to become the best that we can be because two are stronger than one.

what do you want?

naive

smacked

Copy and paste your post into the ACOA (Adult children of alcoholics) forum and see what they might say.

I'm sure you already know..

brundle

I've been in my "functional" relationship for 8 years. If your going to say anything know that you are really going to leave. Empty threats only make them ignore you more. Mine feels the same way. I got to what I thought was "healthy" too. Then I stayed. My kids got older. They are a mess. I stayed.

I would say things are mostly the same. Except he drinks more. It's still functional. He hasn't gone to jail. No DUIs in years. The damage is done to the kids; now 22 & 18. And me, I just cry mostly. I cry because I have MS and feel stuck. I cry because I hate being with him. I cry because I know he'll never change and I don't expect him to...I cry for the kids, they deserved better... I cry because at 41 I feel 141; all dried up and used up inside. Men say what they mean. If your really asking what to do and you have it in you. Leave him while you have it in you. Sometimes the biggest mistake is not leaving when you still can...

tjp613

(((Brundle)))

GiveLove

You don't have to go to the ACOA forum, I'll come to you!
I am not an alcoholic and am no longer committed to one, but I grew up with a father just like your husband.

Not only did I grow up thinking that was normal -- and sought out men just like him, who ended up hurting me very, very badly -- but my brothers did as well. Two of them are addicts, one is mentally stunted, and one constantly skirts the edges of alcoholism. I had two sisters - both of them died as a result of their own addictions, after miserable lives as adult children of alcoholics.

If you don't want to 'deal with it,' then it sounds like you don't have much of a choice left. He has made his choice. Bear in mind that your kids can still see their father even if you separate, but you'll be able to control whether they see him drunk/drinking/passing out. He can still be part of their lives, but they won't have to be subjected to this conditioning day after day after day.

I'm sure he's a swell guy on many levels, but speaking from my perspective, there's nothing that will make up for the programming he's doing to his kids right now.

I'm sorry.....I know this has all got to be really hard, but you're doing the right thing going through counseling to clarify what you want for You and for your kids.

And please do take Brundle's advice to heart: Don't threaten to leave unless you are 100% committed to following through. It really is much worse when you've done that and caved. They never trust you to stand up for yourself again.

Hugs to you, and please do stick around. There's a ton of experience, hope, and strength here for you, no matter what you decide to do.
GL

Still Waters

The alcohol is quite obviously more important than you and his children to him. Fact.

MeHandle

Hit on our avatar name, then go to our statistics and read our thoughts on supporting others and our own stories.

Since he said, "deal with it or leave me" I would follow some of his advice. I would deal with it by leaving the partnership. Then you might come to know if you want/need to do it for a time or permanently.

My stbxah never said something like this to me as while his marriage partner. Instead he hid his drinking in shame. Had my Ah said something like this before i asked for a divorce I would have maybe seen more clarily and took him up on it.

Keep reading. We cover a spectrum of perspectives too.:-)

Sorry for what you are enduring today. I relate to much it.

love tammy

flutter

ACOA here too.. and I'll just share my perspective, as that's all any of us can do.

I grew up with two alcoholic parents, I wasn't blessed with a sober parent, however being stuck as a child in an alcoholic home can happen just as easily I guess, and I have learned this a lot by reading here. I didn't have someone clear headed to pull me out and protect me from the situation, I had to fend for myself, and for my brother. I hated it. Every single day. I remember being very small and being disgusted by the smell of alcohol on their breath when they'd put me to bed. I can STILL smell it if I think hard enough. I resented them, a lot. I have no idea what I might have missed out on, but most importantly I missed out on THEM, as parents, as my protectors, my leaders in life. Even now at 34 years old I cannot even type this stuff without turning into a crying mess.

He doesn't have to be the one that makes a change here.. he might never do that. Can you imagine if you're here, in this forum.. beaten down, regretful of your choices in say 10 years.. No idea what your kids' ages are, but I bet if not already then for sure by then a lot of permanent damage will have been done. The thing that frustrates me about your situation, and the many others like yours.. is that for you kids, growing up in the shadow of an alcoholic is entirely preventable. It's preventable!!

My parents finally got sober when I was 18 and moving away to college. My brother was only 13, and I told them that if they continued drinking after I was gone, I would call child protective services. Neither one of THEM protected us, so I protected him. Luckily they didn't drink after that, and I am blessed for it. Now I have a decent relationship with both of them, but I will never say I had a good childhood. It was taken from me because they preferred to get drunk. That really sucks.

Editing to say that although I am "also" ACOA, I am an alcoholic. I drank until I almost died. Now I don't, and now I'm pregnant with my first child. He will NEVER have an alcoholic household, thank God.

TakingCharge999

((flutter congrats!!))

thank you for sharing ACOAs...

i wont give my future kids an addicted parent either.

i know nothing is certain but if a partner ever starts any addictive/abusive behaviors, i will go to the "leaving" link and just do it. i feel safer now that i know i do not deserve madness in my own home.

or outside.

and that i CAN make it on my own, even if its a drag at first and i am clinging for dear life sometimes (or so it feels)

ICant

Hi, I just want to emphasise that the progression is very normal. My experience has been that my AH was able to pull himself out of that nosedive of daily drinking straight after work and noon on weekends. He was able to cut right back to what I saw as a moderate drinking level. Whew I thought, he isn't an alcoholic after all. I was comfortable enough in the marriage to have our second child. In time, he progressed again to daily drinking. I couldn't believe things were back at that point again. The time lapse between the first lot of daily drinking to the second lot was three years. Changes in your behaviour may prompt him to reassess his drinking but please understand that until he is done with it, he won't stop.

CAAW

As I sit here reading everyones comments I feel overwhelmed and relived at the same time. It is comforting to know I am not alone and sad at the same time. I appreciates everyones advice, comments, experiences. It is a reality check to read the impact that having an alcholic parent has on children once they are grown.
I sit here looking at my husband sitting in his chair with his beer. I feel empty inside. I love him, but at this point feel no connection with him.
There is this strange wall between us.
I have a lot to think about.

Thank you to each of you for sharing! It means more than you know.

Still Waters

Congratulations Flutter!!!!! :ghug3

CAAW: There is a wall between you, it's called addiction. You don't feel a connection because he disregards you and your children, you can LEAVE if you don't like it right?

Sorry, makes me mad when I hear alcoholics talking to their families like this, it hits too close to home I guess. My AH said the same to me several times, when he decided that everything was my fault. Meh.

Anyway - let's talk about you. Have you been to an Al-anon meeting? Spoken with a counselor? Contacted an attorney? Discussed any of this with friends or family?

Don't try to get through this alone, please know that you aren't alone. There is nothing more devastating than the feeling of being all alone with the gut churning crushing feeling of a lost love and marriage. Now is the time to gather your friends and family together to help you.

CAAW

Thank you for your comments. Reading these messages really help me. I understand. I am talking to a counselor, things are going pretty well. We are meeting next Tuesday and I know it is going to be a tough conversation. We are reading a book called "Life Strategies" by Dr. Phil. We are walking through it chapter by chapter. I recently did assignment #6 in this book and it was a tough one. I had to face a lot of my issues and put them down on paper. Reading over my answers to this assignment was tough. It actually made me angry at me and my AH.

If you don't mind me asking. What was the situation with your AH?

CAAW

Your post overwhelms me, but I need to hear it because I need someone to tell me what the reality of it is. I am so sorry you are so sad. I cry a lot too! I try to bury the feelings, but it is getting harder and harder to do. What age were your children when your AH started drinking? How old are they now? Will you please share more of your story with me?
Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me.