Dad relapsed/need support
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Location: Burnaby, BC
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Dad relapsed/need support
Hey, im new here and im desperate for a group of support. My dad caused so much trouble in my life as a child due to his alcohol addiction. There were multiple fight, cops were constantly called, and due to all this most our family in not in contact with us now. Eventually he realized he caused a lot of pain. He then fixed his life up, worked out constantly, took care of us and himself, and had his whole life put together, he was sober for 12 years, we developed a really good loving relationship. Until recently, there's been a whole shift In his personality, he's been cranky, doesn't want to be around people, and doesn't take care of him self at all. Our relationship strained from it and we barley spoke due to this. As this was happened I started to find glasses hidden around the house reeking of alcohol. I had developed severe PTSD from his drinking before hand and just like that it came back. When I first found out he was drinking again the panic attacks would not stop. Until recently he seemed normal again, yet I started finding the glasses everywhere again. I have reached a point where I don't want to offer him support anymore, I don't feel sympathy for him any more, and I do not want to stress and try to help a man that does not want to be fixed. I have tried hard to be there for him, to be gentle and show my support and appreciation for him but it just seems like alcohol is the only thing that matters to him. Ive talked to my therapist about this issue but I really want to hear from other who have been through something similar. Im only 20, cannot afford to move out unfortunately. If anyone has any advice or just wants to be there or wants to talk to be about what you are going through im open to listening and hearing anyone out. Also if anyone recovering from alcoholism wants to provide me a different perspective I am open to hearing
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
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Welcome kilanilaufy, I am so sorry to hear of your situation, however it is not unique. Alcoholics become controlled by alcohol, to the detriment of everything else, even loved ones. My father was also an alcoholic and it caused so much pain, although he was mostly just absent growing up.
It is important that you create that emotional (and physical if possible) separation, to protect yourself. His disease is not your problem - you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. He is the one that needs to accept responsibility and seek help. Al-Anon would be very helpful.
Others here will have more to say, please stick around and read some of the threads.
It is important that you create that emotional (and physical if possible) separation, to protect yourself. His disease is not your problem - you didn't cause it, can't control it and can't cure it. He is the one that needs to accept responsibility and seek help. Al-Anon would be very helpful.
Others here will have more to say, please stick around and read some of the threads.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi kilanilaufy, and Welcome!
As you have learned the very hard way, there is nothing we can do to control someone else's drinking. I'm sorry for all you have been through.
I hope you can continue to see your counselor. And Al-Anon is a group that helps people whose lives are impacted by someone else's drinking. You can search on-line to see if there is a group that meets near you to see if you think it would be a good fit for you.
Please stop by here and vent any time. Believe me, we get it.
As you have learned the very hard way, there is nothing we can do to control someone else's drinking. I'm sorry for all you have been through.
I hope you can continue to see your counselor. And Al-Anon is a group that helps people whose lives are impacted by someone else's drinking. You can search on-line to see if there is a group that meets near you to see if you think it would be a good fit for you.
Please stop by here and vent any time. Believe me, we get it.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
My Father was also an alcoholic (never quit).
You can turn this around. It is not about him, it's about you. That space you are talking of taking, not wanting to help, tired of being the psychological support, that's ok you know. You do need to look out for yourself.
Take space away from him, limit contact as much as possible, be out with friends, doing your hobbies or studying if you are a student.
What would you have to do to make it possible to move out? A part time job so you could rent a room in a shared house or on campus? Maybe start thinking of ways that could happen, even if not this moment, say in the next year or so. A plan will help you to feel more in control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
You can turn this around. It is not about him, it's about you. That space you are talking of taking, not wanting to help, tired of being the psychological support, that's ok you know. You do need to look out for yourself.
Take space away from him, limit contact as much as possible, be out with friends, doing your hobbies or studying if you are a student.
What would you have to do to make it possible to move out? A part time job so you could rent a room in a shared house or on campus? Maybe start thinking of ways that could happen, even if not this moment, say in the next year or so. A plan will help you to feel more in control.
You didn't Cause it, can't Control it and can't Cure it (the 3 c's).
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,937
Oh kilanylaufi, my heart goes out to you. Totally recognize that panicky feeling when you realize the person is drinking again.
With the help of AlAnon and lots of good books on the subject of alcoholism and codependency I learned how to create some barriers to protect myself and still love my A brothers from a distance while not enabling them in their drinking. At first it wasn't easy, it still can be challenging, but at some point in my efforts my perspective just shifted. I could step back and give myself space in a panicky moment and choose to examine the situation with the aim of seeing what I can control and what I cannot.
Letting go of the many, many things I couldn't control was essential for my peace of mind. Grabbing the things I could control (like my reactions, my choices, my dreams, goals, and plans) and just taking whatever steps forward I could on those things actually brought the only change possible.
Detachment is a common phrase used in AlAnon - I used to think it meant becoming cold-hearted...but over time I learned it meant giving respect to other people, seeing them as unique and on their own journey with their own destiny, however tragic or depressing I judge it to be.
Detachment allows me to express gestures of warmth that don't score points for Team Alcohol.
Like, I had to do things that released me from both attachment and from feeling like I didn't care or like I was a "bad" person. For example, cards and notes expressing love without conditions. Where my initial impulse might be to say, "I love you but I worry about your drinking/health." I learned to keep MY worry out of it. A note saying "I love you" is enough, it's the best thing for me to send, for me, because there's no caveat, no expectation or "ask," I'm not waiting for them to take some action based on my worry, or to reassure me not to worry, etc.
I used to send my brothers long emails/cards full of my worry about them and their situations, full of my ideas for their life, their potential recovery ("have you tried this method? or what about this rehab place?" or whatever long detailed thoughts I had about THEIR problem, LOL!). I practiced letting go of that powerful codependent impulse, and started to write them regular emails like, "I saw this movie it was great blah, blah, here's a cool book I read, love you bye!" I had this fear that by treating them like any "normal" person I loved, I was condoning or pretending their drinking didn't matter.
Guess what? What didn't matter was that whether I hounded them about alcohol or talked books it had ZERO effect on their drinking!! And because I had the boundary in place where I didn't engage (or only minimally engaged) with them when they were actively drinking or miserably hungover, then yes, inevitably, our interactions became fewer and fewer...but my mental health became stronger and fresher and allowed me the same freedom from misery that I wished they would find.
I had to accept that I cannot "help" them get sober and recovered. They need the help of people who have walked in their shoes. And only they can choose that path. Your Dad had a long stretch of sobriety/recovery and that's a good thing, he knows what it takes and what it feels like. I hope you put your own peace of mind first whether he gets there again or not. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
With the help of AlAnon and lots of good books on the subject of alcoholism and codependency I learned how to create some barriers to protect myself and still love my A brothers from a distance while not enabling them in their drinking. At first it wasn't easy, it still can be challenging, but at some point in my efforts my perspective just shifted. I could step back and give myself space in a panicky moment and choose to examine the situation with the aim of seeing what I can control and what I cannot.
Letting go of the many, many things I couldn't control was essential for my peace of mind. Grabbing the things I could control (like my reactions, my choices, my dreams, goals, and plans) and just taking whatever steps forward I could on those things actually brought the only change possible.
Detachment is a common phrase used in AlAnon - I used to think it meant becoming cold-hearted...but over time I learned it meant giving respect to other people, seeing them as unique and on their own journey with their own destiny, however tragic or depressing I judge it to be.
Detachment allows me to express gestures of warmth that don't score points for Team Alcohol.
Like, I had to do things that released me from both attachment and from feeling like I didn't care or like I was a "bad" person. For example, cards and notes expressing love without conditions. Where my initial impulse might be to say, "I love you but I worry about your drinking/health." I learned to keep MY worry out of it. A note saying "I love you" is enough, it's the best thing for me to send, for me, because there's no caveat, no expectation or "ask," I'm not waiting for them to take some action based on my worry, or to reassure me not to worry, etc.
I used to send my brothers long emails/cards full of my worry about them and their situations, full of my ideas for their life, their potential recovery ("have you tried this method? or what about this rehab place?" or whatever long detailed thoughts I had about THEIR problem, LOL!). I practiced letting go of that powerful codependent impulse, and started to write them regular emails like, "I saw this movie it was great blah, blah, here's a cool book I read, love you bye!" I had this fear that by treating them like any "normal" person I loved, I was condoning or pretending their drinking didn't matter.
Guess what? What didn't matter was that whether I hounded them about alcohol or talked books it had ZERO effect on their drinking!! And because I had the boundary in place where I didn't engage (or only minimally engaged) with them when they were actively drinking or miserably hungover, then yes, inevitably, our interactions became fewer and fewer...but my mental health became stronger and fresher and allowed me the same freedom from misery that I wished they would find.
I had to accept that I cannot "help" them get sober and recovered. They need the help of people who have walked in their shoes. And only they can choose that path. Your Dad had a long stretch of sobriety/recovery and that's a good thing, he knows what it takes and what it feels like. I hope you put your own peace of mind first whether he gets there again or not. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.
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Join Date: Feb 2023
Location: Burnaby, BC
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Thank you, Bernadette. Your response means more than you know. Thank you for sharing your experience and im sorry you had to go through this as well. I take you advice to heart and I will try my best to detach and put my own peace on mind first, I guess it just takes time. Thank you again for sharing you have no idea how much it means to me and how much this may help others I appreciate it.
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Thank you, trailmix. I was super panicky last night and I had read your reply and I've been replaying the 3c's you mentioned in my head all day and its been calming me down when the anxious thoughts come up. Thank you for sharing your experience and applying your advice to other like me it is much appreciated.
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Thank you for welcoming me Seren, im new at this and within the first day I have never felt so good about hearing others support and stories, it helped way more than I thought it would. I do plan on sticking around, and same goes to you !
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Thank you for your kind words Advbike. I appreciate your reminders that I am not alone in this and that I am not responsible for this situation. I am sorry you had to go through this as well, but I am so glad we can share our stories, thank you.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Oh, darling. Send you lots of love. You have all my support. Also, welcome! <3
I completely understand that panicky feeling and it is such a nightmare. I'm experiencing it as we speak.
I admire your desire to support your father through his addiction. However, at the end of the day, you can't take responsibility for him, and especially not as his child. Love him, but don't assume responsibility for him or his drinking or his sobriety. Not only is that not your cross to bear, but it's just too much for a person. The only person you are responsible for is yourself, and you need love, care, and support, too.
Detachment has saved my life (if not my marriage, pfff) more than once. I don't know how to explain the process of detaching, but I'd describe it as just not investing so much emotional or physical responsibility in your alcoholic loved one and laying some good boundaries where the drinking is involved. Kind of like separating yourself from it. Remember it isn't your fault. <3
Vent here to us anytime. <3 We've all been there and we all understand and get it.
Hang in there. <3
I completely understand that panicky feeling and it is such a nightmare. I'm experiencing it as we speak.
I admire your desire to support your father through his addiction. However, at the end of the day, you can't take responsibility for him, and especially not as his child. Love him, but don't assume responsibility for him or his drinking or his sobriety. Not only is that not your cross to bear, but it's just too much for a person. The only person you are responsible for is yourself, and you need love, care, and support, too.
Detachment has saved my life (if not my marriage, pfff) more than once. I don't know how to explain the process of detaching, but I'd describe it as just not investing so much emotional or physical responsibility in your alcoholic loved one and laying some good boundaries where the drinking is involved. Kind of like separating yourself from it. Remember it isn't your fault. <3
Vent here to us anytime. <3 We've all been there and we all understand and get it.
Hang in there. <3
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by kilanilaufy 
Thank you, trailmix. I was super panicky last night and I had read your reply and I've been replaying the 3c's you mentioned in my head all day and its been calming me down when the anxious thoughts come up. Thank you for sharing your experience and applying your advice to other like me it is much appreciated.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
welcome kilanilaufy. Iīm glad you found us. My sons are the same age as you. They have never experienced a sober dad. I am happy for you that you had 12 good years with your dad and also feel so sad that you know how great sober him is but seem to have lost him for now. I understand the desperate desire to get that person back. My sons dad was sober once for 6 months a few years before my boys were born. I longed for that person to come back. He hasn't so far.
Your dad is no stranger to sobriety. He was sober for 12 years. He may choose sobriety again, he may not and that is totally outside of your control. Don't forget that you are not the parent in this equation. You are a young person starting out in your adult life. Please live your life for you and welcome your dad into your life when and if he is ready to join you. You say he doesnīt want to be around people. Then let him get on with whatever it is he wants to do. I understand how hard it is to watch a loved one make choices that you donīt agree with, to try not to judge.
What would your life look like if your dad was sober? Focus on that and aim for the good life you can imagine for yourself.
I have reached a point where I don't want to offer him support anymore, I don't feel sympathy for him any more, and I do not want to stress and try to help a man that does not want to be fixed.
These are your words. You get it!! You can still love him but you are absolutely correct here. You cannot fix him and you cannot help him. You say it seems like alcohol is the only thing that matters to him. It seems that way because yes alcohol is the only thing that matters to him.
Itīs great that you have a therapist. Could they help you to work towards a solution to moving out?
My sons looked after their dad for quite a long time after I left the family home. They were 16 then. It was a terrible strain on them. The best thing they did was to eventually get out of the house and live their own lives. They do worry about him still and yes, itīs stressful but the thing they came to realise is that their dad is going to do whatever he wants whether they are there or not. They donīt have to have front row seats to watch him self destruct. And they can choose not to buy into all the drama.
Do you have any other family members to support you just now? any brothers or sisters? The family you mention that you are not in contact with - can you get back in contact with them?
Your dad is no stranger to sobriety. He was sober for 12 years. He may choose sobriety again, he may not and that is totally outside of your control. Don't forget that you are not the parent in this equation. You are a young person starting out in your adult life. Please live your life for you and welcome your dad into your life when and if he is ready to join you. You say he doesnīt want to be around people. Then let him get on with whatever it is he wants to do. I understand how hard it is to watch a loved one make choices that you donīt agree with, to try not to judge.
What would your life look like if your dad was sober? Focus on that and aim for the good life you can imagine for yourself.
I have reached a point where I don't want to offer him support anymore, I don't feel sympathy for him any more, and I do not want to stress and try to help a man that does not want to be fixed.
These are your words. You get it!! You can still love him but you are absolutely correct here. You cannot fix him and you cannot help him. You say it seems like alcohol is the only thing that matters to him. It seems that way because yes alcohol is the only thing that matters to him.
Itīs great that you have a therapist. Could they help you to work towards a solution to moving out?
My sons looked after their dad for quite a long time after I left the family home. They were 16 then. It was a terrible strain on them. The best thing they did was to eventually get out of the house and live their own lives. They do worry about him still and yes, itīs stressful but the thing they came to realise is that their dad is going to do whatever he wants whether they are there or not. They donīt have to have front row seats to watch him self destruct. And they can choose not to buy into all the drama.
Do you have any other family members to support you just now? any brothers or sisters? The family you mention that you are not in contact with - can you get back in contact with them?
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Hey Amaranth, thank you for replying. I will definitely try my best to continue to live my life the way I want to, but I can't get rid of this grief and I desperately dont want to feel it. Unfortunately at the moment I do not have any other family members that are able to support me right now.
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Originally Posted by kilanilaufy
Hey Amaranth, thank you for replying. I will definitely try my best to continue to live my life the way I want to, but I can't get rid of this grief and I desperately dont want to feel it. Unfortunately at the moment I do not have any other family members that are able to support me right now.
There is a book called Codependent no More by Melody Beattie. It's not a long drawn out book and you might find it helpful in getting a different perspective and in setting boundaries for yourself.
Do try to think of what you want, what would make you happy. Getting a job and making money will enable you to save up for a place as well as doing things for yourself, like a weekend away or something else fun you like to do. Focusing on yourself will also make you feel a bit better.
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