Oh kilanylaufi, my heart goes out to you. Totally recognize that panicky feeling when you realize the person is drinking again.
With the help of AlAnon and lots of good books on the subject of alcoholism and codependency I learned how to create some barriers to protect myself and still love my A brothers from a distance while not enabling them in their drinking. At first it wasn't easy, it still can be challenging, but at some point in my efforts my perspective just shifted. I could step back and give myself space in a panicky moment and choose to examine the situation with the aim of seeing what I can control and what I cannot.
Letting go of the many, many things I couldn't control was essential for my peace of mind. Grabbing the things I could control (like my reactions, my choices, my dreams, goals, and plans) and just taking whatever steps forward I could on those things actually brought the only change possible.
Detachment is a common phrase used in AlAnon - I used to think it meant becoming cold-hearted...but over time I learned it meant giving respect to other people, seeing them as unique and on their own journey with their own destiny, however tragic or depressing I judge it to be.
Detachment allows me to express gestures of warmth that don't score points for Team Alcohol.
Like, I had to do things that released me from both attachment and from feeling like I didn't care or like I was a "bad" person. For example, cards and notes expressing love without conditions. Where my initial impulse might be to say, "I love you but I worry about your drinking/health." I learned to keep MY worry out of it. A note saying "I love you" is enough, it's the best thing for me to send, for me, because there's no caveat, no expectation or "ask," I'm not waiting for them to take some action based on my worry, or to reassure me not to worry, etc.
I used to send my brothers long emails/cards full of my worry about them and their situations, full of my ideas for their life, their potential recovery ("have you tried this method? or what about this rehab place?" or whatever long detailed thoughts I had about THEIR problem, LOL!). I practiced letting go of that powerful codependent impulse, and started to write them regular emails like, "I saw this movie it was great blah, blah, here's a cool book I read, love you bye!" I had this fear that by treating them like any "normal" person I loved, I was condoning or pretending their drinking didn't matter.
Guess what? What didn't matter was that whether I hounded them about alcohol or talked books it had ZERO effect on their drinking!! And because I had the boundary in place where I didn't engage (or only minimally engaged) with them when they were actively drinking or miserably hungover, then yes, inevitably, our interactions became fewer and fewer...but my mental health became stronger and fresher and allowed me the same freedom from misery that I wished they would find.
I had to accept that I cannot "help" them get sober and recovered. They need the help of people who have walked in their shoes. And only they can choose that path. Your Dad had a long stretch of sobriety/recovery and that's a good thing, he knows what it takes and what it feels like. I hope you put your own peace of mind first whether he gets there again or not. The past is gone. You are free in this moment.
Peace,
B.