Update
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Join Date: Aug 2022
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Update
So while I was putting my six-year-old to bed this evening, a huge fight broke out downstairs between AH, who was drunk, and my oldest daughter.
I finished tucking my six-year-old in and then tried to smooth things over. Not sure exactly what happened, but I guess AH ordered her to do the dishes along with some choice comments. Since she sensed the lack of sobriety, she dug her heels in. It escalated rapidly--even by the time I tried to hit the brakes on the fight, they were screaming at the top of their lungs and had woken up my one-year-old. Eventually, I asked my oldest to head down to her room (which is in the basement) in an effort to just separate them. The basement door opens and drops off immediately onto a step--there is no space between the door and the first stair. My daughter had the door part of the way open and was still arguing with AH as she stood on that first stair on her way down--at which point AH thrust the door halfway closed and about knocked her down the steps. She thankfully didn't fall, but it was a close one and to say I was horrified and borderline shellshocked would understate it.
At that point, I finally called him out on his drinking, then headed upstairs to retrieve the baby (who was screaming and audibly upset.) I brought him down to get him a cup of milk or nurse him until he settled. When I returned to the main floor to look after him, AH and I had perhaps the most pointless conversation of all time, another in a string of most pointless conversations of all time since we first were married and his drinking became extremely heavy.
Once again, he asked when was the last day I thought he was drunk. I stated point blank I was not playing that game with him and that his doing that to me was manipulative and textbook gaslighting. That line of conversation somehow became "he is sober 95% of the time, so I am SOOOOO incorrect," and when I made the exaggerated comment, "If you truly believe you're sober for that percentage of time, I'd say you're delusional," at which point he said, unironically and without hyperbolizing, "YOU are delusional." Later on, he said that *I* need to be parenting the kids. I stared at him, literally so incredulous I couldn't respond. I almost asked if he was joking. He seemed to catch himself and say that I needed to be enforcing rules with them. I have a gentle parenting style inspired more by my stepmom's mother (whom we called Mamie, and she is still everything I want to be) and I suppose that to AH, that means I can't lay down the law... EVER.
That he can't respect any of my boundaries came up, namely that I don't want to be around him or having serious discussions with him when he's been drinking. More BS followed, with that fact that he won't leave me alone when he's drunk, even though I've attempted innumerable times in the past to lay that boundary coming up, and how it was impossible to get him to leave the room or to keep him from following me wherever I went. He finally skulked upstairs in a huff and a temper.
My oldest daughter is incredibly upset and distraught--understandably--and I had no clue what to say to her. I just did the best I could to apologize and listen to her and try to reassure her. This isn't the first time he's gotten physical--and always with an excuse. He tackled me into the side of the bathtub over the summer because "he thought I was going to cut myself" (could've just asked to take a look, dude) and I literally thought he was going to just haul up and deck me right there. It didn't escalate beyond that (I struggled in that tackle hold initially but stopped when I realized he wasn't going to back down and I didn't want it to get worse.) But he stands by the fact that he was "stone cold sober" (he wasn't) and he was certain I was going to harm myself and he had to stop me (I went into the bathroom in the middle of a fight to take a breath, drink some water, and take my Lexapro to ensure I was looking after myself with regard to my anxiety. Apparently that meant I was going to cut myself, which fully justified being bodily lifted off the ground by someone 100 pounds heavier than me and rucked into the side of the bathtub.) Another time, there was a three-way argument between my oldest daughter, AH and myself while the kids were still awake. I took them into my middle's bedroom, my oldest coming with us, and shut the door. AH attempted to bust in (none of our doors shut all the way in the upstairs for God knows why) and my oldest daughter, even as I said, "DON'T," knowing nothing good would come of it, tried to close the door on him. He deliberately and calculatedly slammed it open with her behind it, smashing her between it and the wall, then yelled at her to get downstairs and to stop yelling dramatically after hurling herself into the wall the way she did. I was absolutely horrified and he still to this day maintains he shoved the door open with thought behind that, she exaggerated her connection to the wall beyond, and she asked for it by trying to shut him out of the room. (As if my telling him the conversation was over BECAUSE HE WAS DRINKING and then taking the kids into a room and closing the door wasn't enough of a hint that he wasn't welcome.) Now this has happened.
I feel so completely lost and have no idea what to do. No one knows what is truly going on or how bad it really is or desperate the situation has become. I'm sure he'd see this and say I'm being hysterical, overexaggerating, and painting him out to be a villain that he just isn't. It's not my intention to paint him out to be a villain, but the events are what they are and he perpetrated them. And he might find this--I just found out he has an account on this site and peruses the forums, as well. My text messages, instant messages, emails, diaries, etc. have NEVER been truly private for all the time he and I have been married. He's admitted to snooping a handful of times, but usually he claims he "accidentally" came upon my private conversations and entries. I wouldn't put it past him to "stumble upon me" here, too.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Thank God.
I hope you all are well. <3 Lots of love.
I finished tucking my six-year-old in and then tried to smooth things over. Not sure exactly what happened, but I guess AH ordered her to do the dishes along with some choice comments. Since she sensed the lack of sobriety, she dug her heels in. It escalated rapidly--even by the time I tried to hit the brakes on the fight, they were screaming at the top of their lungs and had woken up my one-year-old. Eventually, I asked my oldest to head down to her room (which is in the basement) in an effort to just separate them. The basement door opens and drops off immediately onto a step--there is no space between the door and the first stair. My daughter had the door part of the way open and was still arguing with AH as she stood on that first stair on her way down--at which point AH thrust the door halfway closed and about knocked her down the steps. She thankfully didn't fall, but it was a close one and to say I was horrified and borderline shellshocked would understate it.
At that point, I finally called him out on his drinking, then headed upstairs to retrieve the baby (who was screaming and audibly upset.) I brought him down to get him a cup of milk or nurse him until he settled. When I returned to the main floor to look after him, AH and I had perhaps the most pointless conversation of all time, another in a string of most pointless conversations of all time since we first were married and his drinking became extremely heavy.
Once again, he asked when was the last day I thought he was drunk. I stated point blank I was not playing that game with him and that his doing that to me was manipulative and textbook gaslighting. That line of conversation somehow became "he is sober 95% of the time, so I am SOOOOO incorrect," and when I made the exaggerated comment, "If you truly believe you're sober for that percentage of time, I'd say you're delusional," at which point he said, unironically and without hyperbolizing, "YOU are delusional." Later on, he said that *I* need to be parenting the kids. I stared at him, literally so incredulous I couldn't respond. I almost asked if he was joking. He seemed to catch himself and say that I needed to be enforcing rules with them. I have a gentle parenting style inspired more by my stepmom's mother (whom we called Mamie, and she is still everything I want to be) and I suppose that to AH, that means I can't lay down the law... EVER.
That he can't respect any of my boundaries came up, namely that I don't want to be around him or having serious discussions with him when he's been drinking. More BS followed, with that fact that he won't leave me alone when he's drunk, even though I've attempted innumerable times in the past to lay that boundary coming up, and how it was impossible to get him to leave the room or to keep him from following me wherever I went. He finally skulked upstairs in a huff and a temper.
My oldest daughter is incredibly upset and distraught--understandably--and I had no clue what to say to her. I just did the best I could to apologize and listen to her and try to reassure her. This isn't the first time he's gotten physical--and always with an excuse. He tackled me into the side of the bathtub over the summer because "he thought I was going to cut myself" (could've just asked to take a look, dude) and I literally thought he was going to just haul up and deck me right there. It didn't escalate beyond that (I struggled in that tackle hold initially but stopped when I realized he wasn't going to back down and I didn't want it to get worse.) But he stands by the fact that he was "stone cold sober" (he wasn't) and he was certain I was going to harm myself and he had to stop me (I went into the bathroom in the middle of a fight to take a breath, drink some water, and take my Lexapro to ensure I was looking after myself with regard to my anxiety. Apparently that meant I was going to cut myself, which fully justified being bodily lifted off the ground by someone 100 pounds heavier than me and rucked into the side of the bathtub.) Another time, there was a three-way argument between my oldest daughter, AH and myself while the kids were still awake. I took them into my middle's bedroom, my oldest coming with us, and shut the door. AH attempted to bust in (none of our doors shut all the way in the upstairs for God knows why) and my oldest daughter, even as I said, "DON'T," knowing nothing good would come of it, tried to close the door on him. He deliberately and calculatedly slammed it open with her behind it, smashing her between it and the wall, then yelled at her to get downstairs and to stop yelling dramatically after hurling herself into the wall the way she did. I was absolutely horrified and he still to this day maintains he shoved the door open with thought behind that, she exaggerated her connection to the wall beyond, and she asked for it by trying to shut him out of the room. (As if my telling him the conversation was over BECAUSE HE WAS DRINKING and then taking the kids into a room and closing the door wasn't enough of a hint that he wasn't welcome.) Now this has happened.
I feel so completely lost and have no idea what to do. No one knows what is truly going on or how bad it really is or desperate the situation has become. I'm sure he'd see this and say I'm being hysterical, overexaggerating, and painting him out to be a villain that he just isn't. It's not my intention to paint him out to be a villain, but the events are what they are and he perpetrated them. And he might find this--I just found out he has an account on this site and peruses the forums, as well. My text messages, instant messages, emails, diaries, etc. have NEVER been truly private for all the time he and I have been married. He's admitted to snooping a handful of times, but usually he claims he "accidentally" came upon my private conversations and entries. I wouldn't put it past him to "stumble upon me" here, too.
I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Thank God.
I hope you all are well. <3 Lots of love.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Actually, he is either a liar and a manipulator/gaslighting or he is delusional. Neither of those things is anything you or your children need to be around, true?
JADE - you never need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself you know?
What seems to be happening here, and I'm no psychologist is that you are acting and reacting as a person would in a "normal" relationship. You are surprised when he describes a situation, because he describes it not at all as it actually happened. Stop being surprised, his actions will be dangerous, his words will be made up. His intent, according to him, is always lily pure. If I pushed a door someone was behind ONCE, that might be an accident, to harm your Daughter twice is no accident. He is either incredibly clumsy or he intends to hurt her (it is the latter).
Parent's are meant to be responsible, to look after children, to love them and take care of them. They don't have to be perfect, but they DO have to at least try to keep them safe.
Him charging at you because he decided (and isn't he the poster boy for analyzing situations) is inexcusable.
Of course if he saw your post he would say those things, he isn't just protecting himself, he's protecting his alcohol, above all else. Before you, before the children, even before himself.
Back to JADE - you don't have to justify leaving, if you choose to do so. No matter what he says, no matter how "hysterical" he says you are. Those are just his words, they only have the importance you put on them.
You and your children deserve to have a nice, safe, contented home.
JADE - you never need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself you know?
What seems to be happening here, and I'm no psychologist is that you are acting and reacting as a person would in a "normal" relationship. You are surprised when he describes a situation, because he describes it not at all as it actually happened. Stop being surprised, his actions will be dangerous, his words will be made up. His intent, according to him, is always lily pure. If I pushed a door someone was behind ONCE, that might be an accident, to harm your Daughter twice is no accident. He is either incredibly clumsy or he intends to hurt her (it is the latter).
Parent's are meant to be responsible, to look after children, to love them and take care of them. They don't have to be perfect, but they DO have to at least try to keep them safe.
Him charging at you because he decided (and isn't he the poster boy for analyzing situations) is inexcusable.
Of course if he saw your post he would say those things, he isn't just protecting himself, he's protecting his alcohol, above all else. Before you, before the children, even before himself.
Back to JADE - you don't have to justify leaving, if you choose to do so. No matter what he says, no matter how "hysterical" he says you are. Those are just his words, they only have the importance you put on them.
You and your children deserve to have a nice, safe, contented home.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by trailmix 
Actually, he is either a liar and a manipulator/gaslighting or he is delusional. Neither of those things is anything you or your children need to be around, true?
JADE - you never need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself you know?
What seems to be happening here, and I'm no psychologist is that you are acting and reacting as a person would in a "normal" relationship. You are surprised when he describes a situation, because he describes it not at all as it actually happened. Stop being surprised, his actions will be dangerous, his words will be made up. His intent, according to him, is always lily pure. If I pushed a door someone was behind ONCE, that might be an accident, to harm your Daughter twice is no accident. He is either incredibly clumsy or he intends to hurt her (it is the latter).
Parent's are meant to be responsible, to look after children, to love them and take care of them. They don't have to be perfect, but they DO have to at least try to keep them safe.
Him charging at you because he decided (and isn't he the poster boy for analyzing situations) is inexcusable.
Of course if he saw your post he would say those things, he isn't just protecting himself, he's protecting his alcohol, above all else. Before you, before the children, even before himself.
Back to JADE - you don't have to justify leaving, if you choose to do so. No matter what he says, no matter how "hysterical" he says you are. Those are just his words, they only have the importance you put on them.
You and your children deserve to have a nice, safe, contented home.
JADE - you never need to Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain yourself you know?
What seems to be happening here, and I'm no psychologist is that you are acting and reacting as a person would in a "normal" relationship. You are surprised when he describes a situation, because he describes it not at all as it actually happened. Stop being surprised, his actions will be dangerous, his words will be made up. His intent, according to him, is always lily pure. If I pushed a door someone was behind ONCE, that might be an accident, to harm your Daughter twice is no accident. He is either incredibly clumsy or he intends to hurt her (it is the latter).
Parent's are meant to be responsible, to look after children, to love them and take care of them. They don't have to be perfect, but they DO have to at least try to keep them safe.
Him charging at you because he decided (and isn't he the poster boy for analyzing situations) is inexcusable.
Of course if he saw your post he would say those things, he isn't just protecting himself, he's protecting his alcohol, above all else. Before you, before the children, even before himself.
Back to JADE - you don't have to justify leaving, if you choose to do so. No matter what he says, no matter how "hysterical" he says you are. Those are just his words, they only have the importance you put on them.
You and your children deserve to have a nice, safe, contented home.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...holic-parents/
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Join Date: Feb 2008
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I’ve been in this spot - where behavior is abusive but I wasn’t ready to call my ex an “abuser.” It’s hard.
From an outsider’s perspective, I’ll just say that this sounds incredibly harmful to you and your sweet kids. You are entitled to FEEL angry about that harm, but you are the only person who can DO anything about ending the harm. Your husband is not capable. He is drinking alcoholically and treating you terribly.
You can’t make someone respect your boundaries. You can set them, observe behavior, then enforce your own protection policies.
I’m thinking of you today.
From an outsider’s perspective, I’ll just say that this sounds incredibly harmful to you and your sweet kids. You are entitled to FEEL angry about that harm, but you are the only person who can DO anything about ending the harm. Your husband is not capable. He is drinking alcoholically and treating you terribly.
You can’t make someone respect your boundaries. You can set them, observe behavior, then enforce your own protection policies.
I’m thinking of you today.
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I cannot add to what has been said, only to echo it.
I can recommend a couple of books that I found life changing. One is "No Visible Wounds" by Mary Miller & the other is "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling men" by Lundy Bankcroft. Mr Bankcroft has a website that contains valuable information too. Many members have found him helpful and for awhile we did our own study group on it.
I think that you would find them validating and enlightening.
I am glad that you have a therapist. WTG!
Haven't looked at the sticky about abuse but I recall it being helpful and popular too. I perceive him to be both alcoholic and abusive.
((((hugs))))))
I can recommend a couple of books that I found life changing. One is "No Visible Wounds" by Mary Miller & the other is "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of controlling men" by Lundy Bankcroft. Mr Bankcroft has a website that contains valuable information too. Many members have found him helpful and for awhile we did our own study group on it.
I think that you would find them validating and enlightening.
I am glad that you have a therapist. WTG!
Haven't looked at the sticky about abuse but I recall it being helpful and popular too. I perceive him to be both alcoholic and abusive.
((((hugs))))))
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 195
One thing that had been pointed out to me on this forum that really hit home was the "boiled frog" syndrome. Things get worse and worse so slowly over time that you lose sight of how bad it has actually become. I'm glad you are seeing you therapist, hopefully you can come up with a plan or set of boundaries moving forward.
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Join Date: Aug 2018
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 274
You gotta get away from him. Talk to your therapist about what legal steps are available. If you didn't have kids it would be a lot easier, obviously. But it's especially necessary because of the kids. There were a couple of guys in my IOP when I was getting sober who were not allowed to be around their kids. They seemed earnest and kind sober, but it wasn't hard to imagine them being downright dangerous when drunk.
Lots of alcoholics sneak around and get ********* while running imaginary errands, and devise ingenious places to hide booze. Me included. But I was just kinda useless and lazy as a dad. Not a physical and emotional menace.
Not that I need a ton of motivation to stay sober (five years this summer but this thread reminds me of the stakes if I ever start drinking again.
Lots of alcoholics sneak around and get ********* while running imaginary errands, and devise ingenious places to hide booze. Me included. But I was just kinda useless and lazy as a dad. Not a physical and emotional menace.
Not that I need a ton of motivation to stay sober (five years this summer but this thread reminds me of the stakes if I ever start drinking again.
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Location: Right here, right now!
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One of the daily Al-Anon books had a passage that helped me in a similar situation.
It asked us as the loved ones to realize (especially when intoxicated) to picture our loved ones talking out of a window at an institution.
It helped me to see that I was struggling as my expectations were that what was coming out of his mouth was a non intoxicated "normal" person.
When I realized that I was not able to believe what he was saying - it helped me to appreciate re-prioritize the focus I was letting his words take. I was trying to fill the rantings of someone that I should not trust or believe in that moment. It is certainly sad, it broke my heart but it helped me to be consistent with what I was experiencing and not put his words over how I felt.
It asked us as the loved ones to realize (especially when intoxicated) to picture our loved ones talking out of a window at an institution.
It helped me to see that I was struggling as my expectations were that what was coming out of his mouth was a non intoxicated "normal" person.
When I realized that I was not able to believe what he was saying - it helped me to appreciate re-prioritize the focus I was letting his words take. I was trying to fill the rantings of someone that I should not trust or believe in that moment. It is certainly sad, it broke my heart but it helped me to be consistent with what I was experiencing and not put his words over how I felt.
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Join Date: Sep 2018
Posts: 436
It doesn't matter if he was drunk or sober when these events took place. His behaviour is unacceptable. He sounds menacing and your daughter should not have to live with that energy in her home. I don't know how old your daughter is and if she has plans to move out soon. Yes, the drinking is the issue but actually with him behaving aggressively towards your daughter, the drinking is just being used as a distraction. If we all focus on if he was drinking, when he was sober blah blah the actual experience of your daughter being frightened by him gets lost in the confusion while everyone focuses on his drinking again.
I'm sorry to hear you don't know what to say to your daughter. Maybe give her a space to talk where you can listen? really listen. It sounds like you have your hands full with the two younger children too but your daughter has to feel safe in her home. Does your daughter have a therapist?
I'm sorry to hear you don't know what to say to your daughter. Maybe give her a space to talk where you can listen? really listen. It sounds like you have your hands full with the two younger children too but your daughter has to feel safe in her home. Does your daughter have a therapist?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Thanks you guys. Seriously thank you all SO MUCH.
I've been in such a strange, surrealistic state of just… not being the last few days. Whether I’ve accepted them or not I’ve made decisions.
First, my daughter is going to spend a few days with my stepdad. He’s agreed to let her stay and he will monitor her homework and take her to school. We talked and I did the best I could to express to her how sorry I was that I didn’t prevent violence on two occasions now. It’s so beyond any words.
Second, we’re going to spend a weekend with my dad and stepmom soon, away from AH.
Third, I’ll be organizing an intervention through my therapist.
Fourth, if the intervention fails, I’ll be initiating a divorce.
I don’t have a comfortable timeline on this, just since I don’t know how long this process will actually take. I’m not sure about involving my in-laws in the intervention because they’ve been sheltered from the real situation. Meanwhile, all my brother in law has seen of it is that I’m unable to control my anxiety and I’m whacko and the problem. Some years ago it might have been different, but I don’t know about now.
I spoke to the DV hotline yesterday and was informed in no uncertain terms—even when I tried to provide the gray areas and my roles in things—that there is an existing and escalating pattern of abuse. That was hard to hear. It just doesn’t line up with who I perceive my AH to be. But I can’t ignore it.
Funnily, it struck me with some relief that I can at last pinpoint the cause of my endless fatigue, which goes unmitigated despite my best efforts. Abuse survivors are almost always sufferers of chronic fatigue syndrome.
Thanks again you guys. ❤️❤️
I've been in such a strange, surrealistic state of just… not being the last few days. Whether I’ve accepted them or not I’ve made decisions.
First, my daughter is going to spend a few days with my stepdad. He’s agreed to let her stay and he will monitor her homework and take her to school. We talked and I did the best I could to express to her how sorry I was that I didn’t prevent violence on two occasions now. It’s so beyond any words.
Second, we’re going to spend a weekend with my dad and stepmom soon, away from AH.
Third, I’ll be organizing an intervention through my therapist.
Fourth, if the intervention fails, I’ll be initiating a divorce.
I don’t have a comfortable timeline on this, just since I don’t know how long this process will actually take. I’m not sure about involving my in-laws in the intervention because they’ve been sheltered from the real situation. Meanwhile, all my brother in law has seen of it is that I’m unable to control my anxiety and I’m whacko and the problem. Some years ago it might have been different, but I don’t know about now.
I spoke to the DV hotline yesterday and was informed in no uncertain terms—even when I tried to provide the gray areas and my roles in things—that there is an existing and escalating pattern of abuse. That was hard to hear. It just doesn’t line up with who I perceive my AH to be. But I can’t ignore it.
Funnily, it struck me with some relief that I can at last pinpoint the cause of my endless fatigue, which goes unmitigated despite my best efforts. Abuse survivors are almost always sufferers of chronic fatigue syndrome.
Thanks again you guys. ❤️❤️
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
I hope you will keep posting JS.
The DV person is right, because there is no "gray" area when it comes to abuse.
One thing to keep in mind. Let's just say that the intervention goes well (and I don't think there is anything to be gained from having people who are unaware or not supportive) and your AH quits drinking.
That will mean he is sober, nothing more. He has put the drinks down. This other part of him, violent, mean, that doesn't go anywhere. While he may be able to control it better when he is sober, the same frustrations (perhaps now magnified due to not being able to drink) that present themselves when he is drunk will still be there.
He will have to learn how to be a non drinker. Coping mechanisms, different ways of interreacting with you and your children, managing his anger and frustrations (as all of us do). That's a big order. That's where the commitment to sobriety - no matter what - comes in to play. That's also why it has to be his decision.
I understand your hesitancy to rush in to doing anything. But in the same vein as him slamming your daughter and yourself, it's easy to slip back in to the "normal", what is normal for you (perception).
The DV person is right, because there is no "gray" area when it comes to abuse.
One thing to keep in mind. Let's just say that the intervention goes well (and I don't think there is anything to be gained from having people who are unaware or not supportive) and your AH quits drinking.
That will mean he is sober, nothing more. He has put the drinks down. This other part of him, violent, mean, that doesn't go anywhere. While he may be able to control it better when he is sober, the same frustrations (perhaps now magnified due to not being able to drink) that present themselves when he is drunk will still be there.
He will have to learn how to be a non drinker. Coping mechanisms, different ways of interreacting with you and your children, managing his anger and frustrations (as all of us do). That's a big order. That's where the commitment to sobriety - no matter what - comes in to play. That's also why it has to be his decision.
I understand your hesitancy to rush in to doing anything. But in the same vein as him slamming your daughter and yourself, it's easy to slip back in to the "normal", what is normal for you (perception).
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Join Date: Jan 2023
Posts: 34
I'm new here and don't have a lot to add--just sending you positive thoughts. There are quite a few similarities between our situations (the "nice guy," the gaslighting, 3 kids, the terrible IBS this whole thing has caused...).
Did you read the book Untamed by chance? I'm rereading it after someone posted a similar question in one of my threads which is, "Is the the marriage you'd want for your daughter(s)?" I even asked H a version of this a while back--"What would you say to D1/D2 if she came to you crying, telling you her partner had done things like this to her?" His response..."that he's a dumb$hit."
Anyway, the book has a good essay on that, which I've been reading on repeat these last few days trying to psych myself up to make some sort of a change in my life.
Did you read the book Untamed by chance? I'm rereading it after someone posted a similar question in one of my threads which is, "Is the the marriage you'd want for your daughter(s)?" I even asked H a version of this a while back--"What would you say to D1/D2 if she came to you crying, telling you her partner had done things like this to her?" His response..."that he's a dumb$hit."
Anyway, the book has a good essay on that, which I've been reading on repeat these last few days trying to psych myself up to make some sort of a change in my life.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
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Originally Posted by wellthen
."that he's a dumb$hit."
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Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by JanuaryStrlight
Once again, he asked when was the last day I thought he was drunk.
He's either delusional, gaslighting - or - and this is a possibility - he's not drunk, he's using a different drug(s). So he can sit there with a straight face and say I'm not drunk. He might have a drink or two as well, but that still wouldn't constitute "drunk".
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Your perceptions are not totally off in that you are living in a profoundly dysfunctional situation. You reached out for help here and with your counselor and the DV hotline. You knew. You suppressed it for a while, but you knew. Bravo you for reaching out for help! Keep talking, keep reaching. We're here.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 36
Originally Posted by trailmix
Something I thought of.
He's either delusional, gaslighting - or - and this is a possibility - he's not drunk, he's using a different drug(s). So he can sit there with a straight face and say I'm not drunk. He might have a drink or two as well, but that still wouldn't constitute "drunk".
He's either delusional, gaslighting - or - and this is a possibility - he's not drunk, he's using a different drug(s). So he can sit there with a straight face and say I'm not drunk. He might have a drink or two as well, but that still wouldn't constitute "drunk".
Thanks so much again for everything you guys... You all are seriously the best and I'm so grateful I posted on here. It's been a HUGE source of comfort and equally such a great reminder to know I'm not alone. I can't believe how much I can relate to or resonates with me in your posts. <3 Your support is also just so incredible and been so heartening. Thanks to you all, I've felt a great deal less like finding a hole in the woods to go die in. <3
So the precursor to an intervention kind of came about organically. AH told me he wanted to talk today (I assumed that meant another laundry list of transgressions my daughter and I committed) and it was actually the acknowledgment of everything I had told him during our conversation Sunday. He then harkened back to the 18 months he was sober back in 2019-2020 and brought up what had worked for him, i.e. vivitrol, a social life, consistent exercise schedule, and weekly outings with the kids and dates between the two of us. I agreed to these but am going to set up some of my own requests for him to consider--one-on-one counseling, AA and Smart Recovery, etc. Along with a sincere apology to and some serious atonement for how he's treated my daughter. It's not like we haven't been at this place before, so I'm not even feeling cautiously optimistic. More just cautious.
All the plans still stand. I still want to talk to my therapist about how to set up an intervention. We're still going to visit my dad out of town. My daughter is still spending a few days come the weekend with my stepdad.
I'll keep everyone posted on how things are going. <3 Sending lots and lots of love!
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