Self solving¿?
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,549
She can't do what you want. At this point, it's probably not even a matter of 'she doesn't want to.' By now, she's so far into drug addiction that she can't.
You write as if it's just a matter of deciding to have one drink a couple times a week. She can't do that, she literally can't. All your writing about being together and growing together are true - but only if your partner is sober and healthy.
I can't relate to her drinking and drugging six hours on a weekend. I go to weddings (really festive events) and after an hour or two, I'm finding someone else who has wandered off to be away from the party to talk about our careers, or our pets, or something. So, you don't get it, and neither do I.
I will tell you this: I spent 25 years with my alcoholic husband, and he died suddenly. Almost three years later, I met the man I'm currently in love with. If I hadn't married the man I did, if he hadn't died, if my partner hadn't gotten divorced - we wouldn't be together now. He makes me want to be a better person. If life hadn't moved forward the way it did, we never would have met. So in an odd way, everything I went through led me to be with him.
Maybe (probably) I shouldn't have married my late husband. Someone else would have come along, I guess. Maybe it would have been a better experience, maybe not. But it wouldn't be the one I'm having now, which is pretty much a blessing.
You write as if it's just a matter of deciding to have one drink a couple times a week. She can't do that, she literally can't. All your writing about being together and growing together are true - but only if your partner is sober and healthy.
I can't relate to her drinking and drugging six hours on a weekend. I go to weddings (really festive events) and after an hour or two, I'm finding someone else who has wandered off to be away from the party to talk about our careers, or our pets, or something. So, you don't get it, and neither do I.
I will tell you this: I spent 25 years with my alcoholic husband, and he died suddenly. Almost three years later, I met the man I'm currently in love with. If I hadn't married the man I did, if he hadn't died, if my partner hadn't gotten divorced - we wouldn't be together now. He makes me want to be a better person. If life hadn't moved forward the way it did, we never would have met. So in an odd way, everything I went through led me to be with him.
Maybe (probably) I shouldn't have married my late husband. Someone else would have come along, I guess. Maybe it would have been a better experience, maybe not. But it wouldn't be the one I'm having now, which is pretty much a blessing.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Yes, it's very sad, I'm sorry you got hurt. Maybe remembering that there were some good times, you two probably started out better than you ended and every relationship has some saving grace. You will heal, there will be brighter days - really.
At the same time, never forget that this was not the relationship for you. She does not have the same values as you, you would perhaps be more comfortable with a partner that doesn't drink or only drinks a bit socially once in a while. That's something you have learned now - that's valuable to you.
You know, alcoholism or really any addiction or mental illness is pretty self involved, it has to be by it's very nature.
Most people don't understand addiction until they come face to face with it, it's not something we learn in school or from friends, generally - so until you come across it, you can't know. It's too bad how it came about but now you do know and that will put you on a good footing going forward.
Yes, she feels bad for herself, she probably has little room for your point of view and is not willing to entertain it.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most.
Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
From the same article:
.
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
At the same time, never forget that this was not the relationship for you. She does not have the same values as you, you would perhaps be more comfortable with a partner that doesn't drink or only drinks a bit socially once in a while. That's something you have learned now - that's valuable to you.
You know, alcoholism or really any addiction or mental illness is pretty self involved, it has to be by it's very nature.
Most people don't understand addiction until they come face to face with it, it's not something we learn in school or from friends, generally - so until you come across it, you can't know. It's too bad how it came about but now you do know and that will put you on a good footing going forward.
Yes, she feels bad for herself, she probably has little room for your point of view and is not willing to entertain it.
Addiction, Lies and Relationships
"Spouses and other family members begin to ask a perfectly logical question: "If you really love and care about me, why do you keep doing what you know hurts me so badly?" To this the addict has no answer except to promise once again to do better, "this time for real, you'll see!" or to respond with grievances and complaints of his own. The question of fairness arises as the addict attempts to extenuate his own admitted transgressions by repeated references to what he considers the equal or greater faults of those who complain of his addictive behavior. This natural defensive maneuver of "the best defense is a good offense" variety can be the first step on a slippery slope that leads to the paranoid demonization of the very people the addict cares about the most.
Unable any longer to carry the burden of his own transgressions he begins to think of himself as the victim of the unfairness and unreasonableness of others who are forever harping on his addiction and the consequences that flow from it. "Leave me alone," he may snap. "I'm not hurting anybody but myself!" He has become almost totally blind to how his addictive behavior does in fact harm those around him who care about him; and he has grown so confused that hurting only himself has begun to sound like a rational, even a virtuous thing to do!
From the same article:
.
"As the addictive process claims more of the addict's self and lifeworld his addiction becomes his primary relationship to the detriment of all others. Strange as it sounds to speak of a bottle of alcohol, a drug, a gambling obsession or any other such compulsive behavior as a love object, this is precisely what goes on in advanced addictive illness. This means that in addiction there is always infidelity to other love objects such as spouses and other family - for the very existence of addiction signifies an allegiance that is at best divided and at worst -and more commonly- betrayed. For there comes a stage in every serious addiction at which the paramount attachment of the addict is to the addiction itself. Those unfortunates who attempt to preserve a human relationship to individuals in the throes of progressive addiction almost always sense their own secondary "less than" status in relation to the addiction - and despite the addict's passionate and indignant denials of this reality, they are right: the addict does indeed love his addiction more than he loves them.
Addiction protects and augments itself by means of a bodyguard of lies, distortions and evasions that taken together amount to a full scale assault upon consensual reality. Because addiction involves irrational and unhealthy thinking and behavior, its presence results in cognitive dissonance both within the addict himself and in the intersubjective realm of ongoing personal relationships".
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Join Date: Mar 2022
Posts: 29
Hello SadPartner,
I am sorry you are hurting and feeling your heartbreak.
I think the main thing here is that you may want to think of it this way.... her choices aren't really what's driving her alcoholism. I was having a hard time with this too. Why would my boyfriend choose to drink over having great love? Why would he choose to drink when the day was going wonderful without it? He too prefers to hang out with guys that don't have jobs, live with their parents at age 60 and stay up all night outside in a parking lot near the water, and drink. This is a better life somehow?
It really helped me to read other people's stories on here....there are common themes in all of them. Through this site I read a book called "Alcohol Explained" - I highly recommend it. Most of the drive for them to drink is not really an emotional choice. It's a chemical reaction, or the brains reaction to the alcohol. They have an addiction. This book explains the vicious cycle of addiction. It has nothing to do with you. It's not really that they're "choosing" not to have your wonderful love and happiness. And they will say hurtful things too (,like you don't want their "essence" of them) It's an uncontrollable drive they have for the feeling they get while they are intoxicated. I fear I'm not explaining it well. My ex boyfriend turned into this person who would disappear for hours and not call, who would have emotional mood swings, happy, depressed then angry and yelling, and saying hurtful things. And I just gave and gave, paid for things, listened to his frears, tried to help him, supported him when he was happy too. One day he would say I was the best thing for him, and the next he felt he was supposed to be a "gypsy". For me, after reading this book I realized he just doesn't have the capacity to be considerate, he is selfish to the point of the only thing that's important is for him to get into that feeling state he's in when drinking. But it's a chemical reaction and addiction, not as much driven by any purposeful choice he is making. They're damaged. The alcohol and cycle of depression and anxiety robs them of "normal" thinking about what is important in life. I feel like my ex boyfriend is no longer the same person he was before being an addict. He's just not the same, alcohol consumes his whole life. It's very sad. But I deserve someone who can appreciate me and share the joys of life - not him with the crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions that are really not even making sense, just too much drama. It's sad to watch. He's such a talented and smart man (3 college degrees!) It's all wasted because his thought process is all messed up from the addiction to the alcohol. It messes with their abilities. It's hard for us to understand because we aren't addicts.
People here are telling you that all you can do is make yourself happy. And it's true. It's painful now, but the reality is that your mourning what you hoped your relationship would be, not what it is.
I highly recommend "alcohol Explained". I drive a lot, so got it as an audio book and listened whole I was in the car.
Hang in there...
I am sorry you are hurting and feeling your heartbreak.
I think the main thing here is that you may want to think of it this way.... her choices aren't really what's driving her alcoholism. I was having a hard time with this too. Why would my boyfriend choose to drink over having great love? Why would he choose to drink when the day was going wonderful without it? He too prefers to hang out with guys that don't have jobs, live with their parents at age 60 and stay up all night outside in a parking lot near the water, and drink. This is a better life somehow?
It really helped me to read other people's stories on here....there are common themes in all of them. Through this site I read a book called "Alcohol Explained" - I highly recommend it. Most of the drive for them to drink is not really an emotional choice. It's a chemical reaction, or the brains reaction to the alcohol. They have an addiction. This book explains the vicious cycle of addiction. It has nothing to do with you. It's not really that they're "choosing" not to have your wonderful love and happiness. And they will say hurtful things too (,like you don't want their "essence" of them) It's an uncontrollable drive they have for the feeling they get while they are intoxicated. I fear I'm not explaining it well. My ex boyfriend turned into this person who would disappear for hours and not call, who would have emotional mood swings, happy, depressed then angry and yelling, and saying hurtful things. And I just gave and gave, paid for things, listened to his frears, tried to help him, supported him when he was happy too. One day he would say I was the best thing for him, and the next he felt he was supposed to be a "gypsy". For me, after reading this book I realized he just doesn't have the capacity to be considerate, he is selfish to the point of the only thing that's important is for him to get into that feeling state he's in when drinking. But it's a chemical reaction and addiction, not as much driven by any purposeful choice he is making. They're damaged. The alcohol and cycle of depression and anxiety robs them of "normal" thinking about what is important in life. I feel like my ex boyfriend is no longer the same person he was before being an addict. He's just not the same, alcohol consumes his whole life. It's very sad. But I deserve someone who can appreciate me and share the joys of life - not him with the crazy rollercoaster ride of emotions that are really not even making sense, just too much drama. It's sad to watch. He's such a talented and smart man (3 college degrees!) It's all wasted because his thought process is all messed up from the addiction to the alcohol. It messes with their abilities. It's hard for us to understand because we aren't addicts.
People here are telling you that all you can do is make yourself happy. And it's true. It's painful now, but the reality is that your mourning what you hoped your relationship would be, not what it is.
I highly recommend "alcohol Explained". I drive a lot, so got it as an audio book and listened whole I was in the car.
Hang in there...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Hello everyone
I have tried to be mentally out of this topic, and now I find some answers from you, which I greatly appreciate
I've been thinking about certain things that IN ADDITION to addiction were quite dysfunctional.
I don't know if it's because of the addiction, or because his personality is already like that.
-Generally, it was very difficult for me to have a conversation in which I felt that my point was being understood 100%
(I'm not saying being accepted, but at least being fully understood.)
-Many times we returned to the same topics, without advancing a bit in any of them.
It is as if each time a topic is treated, it has to be done from scratch, expressing the same arguments on one side and the other.
Nothing like this ever progresses.
-She has a very twisted and strange way of communicating her needs.
She does not openly express what she wants, and she hopes that you know how to read her messages.
She also interprets as messages, disapprovals or rejections, many normal everyday things.
-On 3 occasions she has decided to cut the relationship, but... "it was for me to fight for her"
Simply this unique behavior is already a mixture of bad communication, blackmail, irrationality
-It is very difficult that in ANY matter, she assumes responsibility in a real, solid and sustained way
She sometimes she can give you the reason, but as a child does,
"ok ok yeah yeah"
But then she goes on with what she was doing
-She doesn't think it's wrong not to fulfill her own promises, objectives, or simple goals of hers.
She does not feel (or does not show feeling) disappointed with herself for not following her own principles
(When I set a goal, an objective, or make a decision, I try to follow it, and when I don't achieve it, I feel a certain degree of shame for not achieving it, or at least I try to get back on track quickly.)
-Her decisions are not lasting, in almost anything. She is very contradictory in many things.
-When we have any kind of discussion, no matter how small, she lets go of my hand, or moves away from me immediately.
This is a way of subtly conditioning me so that I won´t expose my needs or requirements in future arguments
I am a person who has tried to be as flexible as possible, in order not to let go of this relationship,
I don't know if every addict acts like this, but I think there is a great immaturity in the way she deals with things in life,
And I never thought that this would end up affecting me in the way she has made decisions about me.
I don't know if a mature and lasting relationship can be sustained with these ways of seeing the world, the problems of everyday life.
Even if the addiction magically dissappears, all of this things ¿would remain?
I have tried to be mentally out of this topic, and now I find some answers from you, which I greatly appreciate
I've been thinking about certain things that IN ADDITION to addiction were quite dysfunctional.
I don't know if it's because of the addiction, or because his personality is already like that.
-Generally, it was very difficult for me to have a conversation in which I felt that my point was being understood 100%
(I'm not saying being accepted, but at least being fully understood.)
-Many times we returned to the same topics, without advancing a bit in any of them.
It is as if each time a topic is treated, it has to be done from scratch, expressing the same arguments on one side and the other.
Nothing like this ever progresses.
-She has a very twisted and strange way of communicating her needs.
She does not openly express what she wants, and she hopes that you know how to read her messages.
She also interprets as messages, disapprovals or rejections, many normal everyday things.
-On 3 occasions she has decided to cut the relationship, but... "it was for me to fight for her"
Simply this unique behavior is already a mixture of bad communication, blackmail, irrationality
-It is very difficult that in ANY matter, she assumes responsibility in a real, solid and sustained way
She sometimes she can give you the reason, but as a child does,
"ok ok yeah yeah"
But then she goes on with what she was doing
-She doesn't think it's wrong not to fulfill her own promises, objectives, or simple goals of hers.
She does not feel (or does not show feeling) disappointed with herself for not following her own principles
(When I set a goal, an objective, or make a decision, I try to follow it, and when I don't achieve it, I feel a certain degree of shame for not achieving it, or at least I try to get back on track quickly.)
-Her decisions are not lasting, in almost anything. She is very contradictory in many things.
-When we have any kind of discussion, no matter how small, she lets go of my hand, or moves away from me immediately.
This is a way of subtly conditioning me so that I won´t expose my needs or requirements in future arguments
I am a person who has tried to be as flexible as possible, in order not to let go of this relationship,
I don't know if every addict acts like this, but I think there is a great immaturity in the way she deals with things in life,
And I never thought that this would end up affecting me in the way she has made decisions about me.
I don't know if a mature and lasting relationship can be sustained with these ways of seeing the world, the problems of everyday life.
Even if the addiction magically dissappears, all of this things ¿would remain?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,438
I notice this post is all about her and her needs and behaviors, and that’s pretty much the only focus that matters to her— not your or other people’s needs. It is a good thing you say you are “flexible” as you will be contorting yourself into impossible positions as long as you continue the status quo with an active alcoholic in denial.
Is this how you want to keep living? If not, please put focus back on you and your recovery. Have you read “Codependent No More” ? It might be very helpful to understand the dynamic you are caught in now.
Wishing you peace and healing.
Is this how you want to keep living? If not, please put focus back on you and your recovery. Have you read “Codependent No More” ? It might be very helpful to understand the dynamic you are caught in now.
Wishing you peace and healing.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,549
You know what the real issue is here? Really?
You don't accept her for what she is. This is who she is: an immature, selfish, unreliable, thoughtless woman. That's who she is. She simply doesn't care about being a mom, being a partner, getting her life together. She. Doesn't. Care. You hope, pretend, imagine, project what she *might* be like in the future, and insist on rejecting what she is now.
You don't have to leave, (even though it sounds like you're being treated poorly when you're not being flat out ignored) Stay, if that's what you want to do. But understand this is who she is. You ARE trying to change her and she's not in the market for change, my dear.
You don't accept her for what she is. This is who she is: an immature, selfish, unreliable, thoughtless woman. That's who she is. She simply doesn't care about being a mom, being a partner, getting her life together. She. Doesn't. Care. You hope, pretend, imagine, project what she *might* be like in the future, and insist on rejecting what she is now.
You don't have to leave, (even though it sounds like you're being treated poorly when you're not being flat out ignored) Stay, if that's what you want to do. But understand this is who she is. You ARE trying to change her and she's not in the market for change, my dear.
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 565
When people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!
Ideally, we should believe them the first time - as Maya Angelou famously said - but some of us need to see it over and over, and then we finally get it...
I held out hope for my alcoholic ex way to long - well, really 5 minutes would have been too long, as it turned out... But hey, I got there eventually. And he ultimately drank himself to an early death. But thank god I wasn't there to watch.
Take care of yourself, Sad. Maybe start to think about what would make you a HappyPartner? Make a list of all the attributes you would like and deserve in a mate and start manifesting!
Ideally, we should believe them the first time - as Maya Angelou famously said - but some of us need to see it over and over, and then we finally get it...
I held out hope for my alcoholic ex way to long - well, really 5 minutes would have been too long, as it turned out... But hey, I got there eventually. And he ultimately drank himself to an early death. But thank god I wasn't there to watch.
Take care of yourself, Sad. Maybe start to think about what would make you a HappyPartner? Make a list of all the attributes you would like and deserve in a mate and start manifesting!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 136
Originally Posted by velma929 
You know what the real issue is here? Really?
You don't accept her for what she is. This is who she is: an immature, selfish, unreliable, thoughtless woman. That's who she is. She simply doesn't care about being a mom, being a partner, getting her life together. She. Doesn't. Care. You hope, pretend, imagine, project what she *might* be like in the future, and insist on rejecting what she is now.
You don't have to leave, (even though it sounds like you're being treated poorly when you're not being flat out ignored) Stay, if that's what you want to do. But understand this is who she is. You ARE trying to change her and she's not in the market for change, my dear.
You don't accept her for what she is. This is who she is: an immature, selfish, unreliable, thoughtless woman. That's who she is. She simply doesn't care about being a mom, being a partner, getting her life together. She. Doesn't. Care. You hope, pretend, imagine, project what she *might* be like in the future, and insist on rejecting what she is now.
You don't have to leave, (even though it sounds like you're being treated poorly when you're not being flat out ignored) Stay, if that's what you want to do. But understand this is who she is. You ARE trying to change her and she's not in the market for change, my dear.
Someone told me "she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do!" This was eye-opening because I believed that we BOTH did, that she understood my concerns, that she agreed it was a problem. The reality is that she doesn't, which has been made clear to me by her actions, not her words. No matter how many times I bring it up, no matter how many different ways I approach it, nothing I do or say will make a difference in her addiction. It will only push her further away. She has to decide if she is okay with what she's doing, or if she wants to change it, not me, not us, her!
I've heard others say that the addict doesn't think logically, but I don't believe that to be true. It might not be our logic, but it is theirs. It may be twisted in support of the addiction but it is logical, especially when you think the addiction is in control. The addict's brain doesn't work the same way as a non-addict, but it is indeed logical from their perspective.
Fixating on all of this, while logical to us, does nothing to "fix" the addict and it certainly doesn't help us feel better outside of any momentarily feeling of relief. We have to let go, as hard as it is.
We have to decide one thing, can we accept this person as they are? If the answer is yes, then it's US that needs to change how we react to them so that we let go of the anger, resentment, and spite building inside of us.
If it's no, then it's US that needs to decide what that means.
I'm still struggling with that question and it seems you are as well. I wish you luck.
I'll leave you with something that I teach to my employees, Hope is not a strategy, Hope cannot change anything.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by SadPArtner
I don't know if a mature and lasting relationship can be sustained with these ways of seeing the world, the problems of everyday life.
Even if the addiction magically dissappears, all of this things ¿would remain?
Even if the addiction magically dissappears, all of this things ¿would remain?
Yes, you can stay, but don't expect change.
If the addiction magically disappeared, would all of these things remain? Impossible to know. Getting sober is one thing, getting in to recovery is another - two different things. Once away from drugs, the addict needs healing and recovery. You have never known her sober, she probably doesn't even know herself sober.
If a person has used alcohol for a long time, to cope with life, they have not learned coping mechanisms the way you do as you grow up. Their mechanisms are stunted because those muscles aren't flexed. Recovery is a time to examine all of that and learn to live life on life's terms - that can take a year just to feel kind of "normal" and much longer to recover from.
This can mean therapy, counselling, group attendance (like AA) and it also means a huge commitment to staying sober.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,019
Hey Sadpartner, I'm so so sorry you are going through this. Also saying "I'm sorry" is just horrifically inadequate. Leaving my qualifier hurt so bad. Even 35 years later, it remains the most difficult thing I have ever done and the most painful.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, try to eat well, get some exercise even if it is not much. I hope you have some support outside of us but if sober recovery is all you have, milk us for all the support you can.
Keep posting and courage to you at this terrible time.
Please do everything you can to take care of yourself. Stay hydrated, try to eat well, get some exercise even if it is not much. I hope you have some support outside of us but if sober recovery is all you have, milk us for all the support you can.
Keep posting and courage to you at this terrible time.
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Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,549
SadPartner, I'm not judging at all. I stayed until he died. But the difference is that I made a decision about the trade-off: I was trading some peace of mind for some financial security. I own that. At that point, I didn't expect change. I didn't project what he might have been like, sober. I knew when I came home, he would not provide company or comfort. I did my best to have a hobby to interact with people. He wouldn't make dinner, or do dishes or laundry. His dirty clothing would be on the floor as often as it would be in the laundry basket (but maybe that's just a man thing).
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Thanks everybody for your insights and support.
The last thing that appeared on my mind, and can't handle this idea is:
She has never had the strength to do anything with consistency.... Except leaving me/accepting the break up/promoting the break up. Dunno exactly how to define the end of our relationship
This is the only thing where she shows great strength doing...
Similar to other ( wrong) conclusions of mine: she has strength to leave me, but not to leave the alcohol...
Thanks everybody for reading me.
The last thing that appeared on my mind, and can't handle this idea is:
She has never had the strength to do anything with consistency.... Except leaving me/accepting the break up/promoting the break up. Dunno exactly how to define the end of our relationship
This is the only thing where she shows great strength doing...
Similar to other ( wrong) conclusions of mine: she has strength to leave me, but not to leave the alcohol...
Thanks everybody for reading me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Originally Posted by SadPArtner
Similar to other ( wrong) conclusions of mine: she has strength to leave me, but not to leave the alcohol...
Thanks everybody for reading me.
Thanks everybody for reading me.
When a person is addicted to a substance, that is their first love, their first consideration, above all others. It's not really a contest because no one wins over the drug. If her excess drinking had say, just started and perhaps she was even a little alarmed by it, that's one thing - but that's not her.
I asked above if there is a history of alcoholism in her family. I see from your first post:
Finally our coexistence ended one horrible day in which the granma birthday was celebrated and she and her father were VERY DRUNK in our own house, in front of our children
None-the-less, she is on her own path and that includes drinking - a lot. If that is not your path, then this is not a relationship for you. It's not strength in parting from you, it's about holding on to the alcohol. Unless you are an addict, it's very hard to understand, it's not really a choice (to her) and it's not personal.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2022
Posts: 26
Thanks everybody for your support.
And yes, trailmix, at least the father is or was a binge drinker too.
I witness2or 3 situations that made me conclude that.
And she herself told me another2or3
So your accurate statements rings true.
And because of that behavioral reference, I think our relationship is 100% finished, cause I suspected the kind of activities she is carrying on to handle the pain of this ¿rejection?
Also, her circle of. friends don't see the magnitude of the problem, so probably none will make her notice that this is actually one of the items to diagnose alcohol abuse ( keep drinking even if it interferes in family, partners, etc)
Probably she is having "great times" with her circle
And huge downs at home, the day after
But that's something that I can't handle no more. Now it's her story
may God protects her...
She will need it
And yes, trailmix, at least the father is or was a binge drinker too.
I witness2or 3 situations that made me conclude that.
And she herself told me another2or3
So your accurate statements rings true.
And because of that behavioral reference, I think our relationship is 100% finished, cause I suspected the kind of activities she is carrying on to handle the pain of this ¿rejection?
Also, her circle of. friends don't see the magnitude of the problem, so probably none will make her notice that this is actually one of the items to diagnose alcohol abuse ( keep drinking even if it interferes in family, partners, etc)
Probably she is having "great times" with her circle
And huge downs at home, the day after
But that's something that I can't handle no more. Now it's her story
may God protects her...
She will need it
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,653
Well with traits that are a problem (be that personality traits or alcoholism) the only person that can change that is her and she just doesn't want to.
Her circle of friends are no more powerful in this than you are, she is her own boss and will proceed that way. If anyone said anything to her, she would brush them off just like she did you.
It's not about you or them or her family, it's about her being an alcoholic and whether she wants to change (which she doesn't right now).
Her circle of friends are no more powerful in this than you are, she is her own boss and will proceed that way. If anyone said anything to her, she would brush them off just like she did you.
It's not about you or them or her family, it's about her being an alcoholic and whether she wants to change (which she doesn't right now).
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