Originally Posted by
velma929 
You know what the real issue is here? Really?
You don't accept her for what she is. This is who she is: an immature, selfish, unreliable, thoughtless woman. That's who she is. She simply doesn't care about being a mom, being a partner, getting her life together. She. Doesn't. Care. You hope, pretend, imagine, project what she *might* be like in the future, and insist on rejecting what she is now.
You don't have to leave, (even though it sounds like you're being treated poorly when you're not being flat out ignored) Stay, if that's what you want to do. But understand this is who she is. You ARE trying to change her and she's not in the market for change, my dear.
This, this right here...I'm in the same position as SadPartner. I've been focusing all my energy on what might be, what could be, what should be, instead of what is. Everything I've been doing is centered around either controlling it, or changing it/her. I've learned through this forum and other research, that's impossible.
Someone told me "she doesn't have a problem with her drinking, you do!" This was eye-opening because I believed that we BOTH did, that she understood my concerns, that she agreed it was a problem. The reality is that she doesn't, which has been made clear to me by her actions, not her words. No matter how many times I bring it up, no matter how many different ways I approach it, nothing I do or say will make a difference in her addiction. It will only push her further away. She has to decide if she is okay with what she's doing, or if she wants to change it, not me, not us, her!
I've heard others say that the addict doesn't think logically, but I don't believe that to be true. It might not be our logic, but it is theirs. It may be twisted in support of the addiction but it is logical, especially when you think the addiction is in control. The addict's brain doesn't work the same way as a non-addict, but it is indeed logical from their perspective.
Fixating on all of this, while logical to us, does nothing to "fix" the addict and it certainly doesn't help us feel better outside of any momentarily feeling of relief. We have to let go, as hard as it is.
We have to decide one thing, can we accept this person as they are? If the answer is yes, then it's US that needs to change how we react to them so that we let go of the anger, resentment, and spite building inside of us.
If it's no, then it's US that needs to decide what that means.
I'm still struggling with that question and it seems you are as well. I wish you luck.
I'll leave you with something that I teach to my employees, Hope is not a strategy, Hope cannot change anything.