trailmix

You are coping so much better than you were initially, even if you don't realize it so much. It's kind of hard to see when you are still in pain. It's slow, it's incremental, but you will get there.

What if your relationship were a movie? If you watched it would you go, yes that is the woman I want to marry! Or would it be more of a tragedy or a snapshot of ongoing abuse.

One thing I want to mention, if she ever does contact you again (and you never know, the felon may get arrested again) who knows, she may come running back. Even if you decide to talk to her or meet up for coffee or something, never feel like you can't come back here and discuss things. No one here is going to judge you.

I think it would be a horrible idea - but I'm not you! A few weeks from now she could knock on your door and you may have decided you don't even want to talk to her. That takes time though (and distance and detachment).

Indisposed

Honestly - if she ever calls, of course I'd be willing to hear her out. I would let her do more of the talking at first because of course she knows I'm heartbroken. Does she realize what she's done to me, or feel remorse? Like most have said in this thread, probably not because her attention is fully on her addiction 1st, and the rehab romance 2nd. I'm probably a fragment of her imagination right now.

Of course I'll reach out to you guys, and ask for advice. I'm still trying to think how I'll react if that day comes where I get a text or call. She deserves to get chewed out (lol), but I'm trying to be the bigger person here. When you tell me you don't want to talk to me, and disrespect me two days later, I'm not going to beg for your attention or be the one to reach out to you.

This no contact stuff has taken alot of patience, and inner strength. I think I would have failed by now if she wasn't in some kind of romance fling right now though. Knowing she's in that, and 2 hours away at rehab has helped me keep my distance.

I still worry about her well being, because when I researched the guy and found out he was a felon, ALL his close friends are felons and the majority are heroin addicts. I'm not getting involved with felons because as everyone knows, they are unpredictable and I value my life too much to get killed or hurt over a bad decision my ex made. I just hope she's smart enough to eventually realize this is a mistake, and she continues on with her soberty and lead into recovery.

trailmix

Never forget, she is where she wants to be, she has chosen to be there, with him and his heroin using friends.

You know when you were talking about her Mom liking/commenting on a post the ex made and how you felt hurt. On the flipside you say you always put her first and everyone else and you just want what is best for her.

Isn't her Mom keeping in contact with her a good thing for her? I believe it probably is and yet you felt somewhat betrayed by the Mother.

I bring this up because I get the feeling that you want her in recovery not just for her, you want her to come out of this and perhaps say Ez, it was you all along, I was out of my mind and etc etc. That's not selfless thinking (but it is ok to feel that way if that is the way you feel).

trailmix

And I say that not to make you feel bad (and I hope you won't)! Just so that you can really look at where you are (perhaps) coming from, look at this very realistically.

I could be totally off base of course, just a thought.

Indisposed

Well technically she isn't with him and his heroin friends yet. I'm pretty sure they are both at the same rehab facility, but that isn't to say they aren't hanging outside of there and with his friends.

And yeah, of course it is a good thing for her mother to stay in contact with her. I don't want their relationship to fail any worse than it has. I just felt a little hurt that her mom liked the photo, and seemingly approved of her dating someone new instead of focusing on herself. Like I said earlier though, it's her daughter, and of course she's going to want to keep in contact. I don't expect her to chose me over her daughter ever lol.

And to answer your question - in a fantasy land, would I want her to recover, apologize, and want to continue with me? That's what I originally wanted when she went into rehab, so yes there is a small part that still wants that. But honestly, I just really wish she was in this for herself, and herself only like she originally said she wanted.

She told me she loved me going into this, and asked me not forget or give up on her, but I never expected us to be together during this. I really believed her in saying she wanted no distractions, and needed to put all that effort into herself. I always wanted her happy and healthy, first and foremost.

What I meant about her realizing this was a mistake was getting preoccupied by someone else, and not focusing on herself. Not about being with me. I was fully OK with her focusing on herself during treatment, and wanted her to do that because that's what they encourage them to do.

Indisposed

I know I should be concentrating on myself, but the last few days I've had the same fear over and over :

What if her and her rehab romance both do indeed get sober and have a successful relationship? I know the chances are very slim, and they aren't doing what everyone tells them to do - focus on themselves. I also realize that his addiction seems more substance related and hers is more alcohol related, but I do know that my ex would use any and everything so if he were to relapse on something or vice versa, the other one would as well.

The thought of them happy together and finding "true love" in rehab is killing me. I know their chances are slim to none, but man the "potential" (there's that word again lol) is eating me alive. The jealously is getting to me, and most people will ask me, "why are you jealous when she treated you so badly?" It's because we were good when we had sober days. I hate that she's sharing these moments with someone else. I know they are vulnerable and relate to eachother both being addicts, but isn't it damn near impossible to move forward in recovery having to take care of someone else too? Yes, I know they can be eachother's support and distract eachother, but isn't that what sober friends and sponsors are for in treatment? I'm positive that if her sponsor (I think she had one) found out what was going on, they would tell her she's making a mistake right now. I've read that they are encouraged to get a plant, if anything.

Sorry to vent.

SparkleKitty

Well, friend...what if they do?

You're right, it's not at all likely. And at this point, it's also just not really any of your business.

When you find yourself heading down this catastrophizing rabbit hole, you have to actively redirect your thoughts to something else, like your own feelings and reactions to these ideas you have. Where do those reactions come from? What can they teach you? You won't find a more peaceful future by continuing to indulge in fantasies that make you feel terrible.

sage1969

Worse case scenario your what - if comes to pass . . . there's many times we might date and be in a relationship with someone we love that doesn't work out for whatever reason, with no complications of addiction or mental illness. It is really hard to break up with someone we love and then heal afterwards, but I think we've all had this experience. Not everyone is perfect for each other. Sometimes this just happens, relationships end.

You've got the additional burden of looking at this through the lens of years of addiction, codependency, and mental health issues clouding the memories of this relationship. For some reason, adding chemical dependency into relationships makes the break up so much more complicated.

I guess what I'm saying is: you're worrying about something in the future that might never happen; and, whatever she does or doesn't do, the break up has happened and you'll need to find a way to come to terms with it.

HardLessons

FYI my research days are years gone at this point. I learnrd way more than I ever wanted to know.

I do still come on SR forums & read. I reply once in a while. I have been reading on this forum since about 2015.

EZ - if you want to know how those out of the blue contacts go just read my previous threads. Over the years, I didnt post about them all but did concerning most. None of them were good. All of them were very bad for me. Even if she contacted me today would be nothing but more of the same BS. I cant trust anything she says - nothing!

I know better & wont contact her - ive learned those lessons. But even after years go by, some times our addicts have nothing to loose & possibly everything to gain by contacting us. If we dont cooperate they simply vanish. If we do cooperate & help them they take what they get & will also vanish as soon as we say "no". Either way they vanish.

Beachn

EZ,

The break up has happened and she’s with another man whether you approve or not.

Basically, you don’t even have a problem with an alcoholic anymore, as far as I can see, the problem is being dumped. Which sucks and it hurts, but there aren’t any loose strings. It’s over.

You should make a pledge to stop talking about her and start wondering/working on why you miss a person that would slap you, spit in your face, verbally abuse and cheat on you.

So far that’s the story you need to unravel not what she’s doing or why, but how do you move on and fix yourself.

Indisposed

Thanks for replying guys. I know it's not something I should be thinking about right now, but am posting here because I'm sure others have had the same thoughts as I'm having now.

It's just hard NOT to think about the future at this point. I'd be lying if I said that I would be happy if they fell apart very quickly. It's just a really crappy feeling knowing that right now, she thinks he is better for her life than I am. I could not have been more supportive of her while we were still talking.

I did make the mistake of worrying about us, and making things about how hard it was being away from her but those feelings came about when I had a feeling that something was up and she was talking to someone. I did tell her that I felt like I was being a distraction, holding pity parties, and apologized. I wish I would've researched how to be more supportive of your partner while they were in rehab.

I can't help but blame myself a little bit for pushing her into the arms of someone else. Yes, I know that's a stupid thing to say because she made those choices to lie, manipulate me, and sting me along when she first got her phone. It was a terrible of her the way she went about things, but here I am still thinking about what I did wrong lol.

This no contact thing is getting at me, and it's only been 18 days. Christmas coming up, along with her birthday being December 27th, has my mind going all over the place whether to keep no contact or reach out to wish her Merry Christmas or a Happy Birthday. I hate having the inner battle going on in my head.

I don't miss the daily struggle of being her support system, or dealing with the addiction. I have to remind myself that it's less stress on me, and all her problems are someone else's to deal with. Just having a hard time coming to grips with being dumped for a downgrade. If it was for someone better, as much as it would hurt, it would be a little easier to understand.

I am proud of myself for making this far without breaking down completely, but then have these thoughts and wonder what is wrong with me? Why am I so concerned about her well being still after being treated like dirt? If things ended cordially, I would probably be way better off. It is what it is, I guess.

Thanks for listening. I'm sure it's frustrating having to repeat yourselves and tell me to concentrate on myself, not her. I thought it would be easier to get mad, and tell myself I deserve better.

HardLessons

EZ

You said above you read online about female sociopaths & based on that reading believe she may be one. I think you know by now she is an addict you said she takes whatever she can get her hands on. Also this guy she has chosen to be with is a convicted felon & heroin addict. All his friends are heroin addicts & mostly likely felons. It goes hand & hand.

Mine is a sociopath. She is also a long term convicted felon. She is currently facing more felony charges. She is also a long term heroin addict. Over many years, she hangs out with other convicted felons & heroin addicts. She is most comfortable with them.

I am telling you flat out EZ based on my direct experience you are in way over your head with this woman. Same goes for me & mine.

You may need some professional help to put this all in much healthier perspective. You are playing with serious fire here - as was the case with me.

BTW there is a good free to use service online. You dont have to register to use it. They dont have everything but its pretty good. Google "Vine Link" select what state you want to search. Then select search by name. Enter first & last name hit search. Will hopefully bring up that persons arrest records. Just click on the name & view detailed records.

Indisposed

I mean I'm not 100% sure he was a heroin addict, but when I researched him and his friends, a lot of them were and a lot of his friends have died from OD. I know his issue isn't mainly alcohol, which was my ex's main problem. The only thing she never did was heroin or crack. The drugs available to her that she did mostly were pills like Xanax, Molly, and cocaine. Those are the only things she ever used when we were together. I just hate knowing that she might go down a terrible path with this guy, but like you guys said - it's not my problem to worry quot anymore. As harsh of a reality that is, I have to keep telling myself that and remind myself of the bad things that she caused me. I'm stuck on the good times, potential, and the companionship she gave me.

I've never felt so lonely, or tossed aside by anyone in my life. When I stressed to her before that I was having suicidal thoughts because of what was happening, her response was - "think about what that would do to me. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing I made you hurt yourself." I didn't see it until now, but instead of being caring or remorseful for what she was putting me through, she made it about herself.

I know I'm way over my head with her, and probably always was. I believed her when she said I was the best thing that ever happened to her, and that no one could love her like I did. That might be true, who knows?

Every time I make progress or think I'm doing better, I get set backs like today and thinking about her well being or her finding happiness that isn't with me. I feel stuck in my head.

HardLessons

EZ

I totaly understand what you are saying.

Back in June 2017 when I had made up my mind to get away from her & then posted my story here on SR I would have preferred to be run over by a bus then face trying to walk away from her. Thats how messed up I was.

I knew I was in way over my head & needed help. Like you now over the years I got a lot of help here on SR. Too many to count have helped me on here. I knew I also needed professional help. Help to sort out the scrambled up mess in my mind.

Mine didnt accept all that I brought to the table for her. For her, I put my money where my mouth was. It was a very poor choice on my part. She made other choices for her life. She didnt choose what I provided. Shes an adult & is still making choices as she sees fit. These choices she makes are not for the faint of heart. They are choices which for me even today are hard to understand. However, Its her life & her choices - not mine.

Maybe in the past she only took xanx, cocain, molly, & alchohol. BTW thats a super bad mixture of drugs. An addict taking up with a heroin addict will be trying heroin. Doesnt have to be IV use can start out smoking or oral. Once they get that heroin high theres no turning back. Heroin addicts typically also mix in numerous other drugs like the ones you mentioned.

You have zero control over her choices. She will do as she wants. Best you can do is get out of the way & save yourself. Obviously its extremely painful but only you can save yourself. I hope you choose to do so.

Indisposed

I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that, and that it had a lasting result on you. I know you invested way more money than I ever have into your ex, and had other things that made your situation more difficult to deal with than mine. I read your story multiple times, and it's just crazy how far you went to help with no appreciation.

I hope no matter what happens with my ex that she doesn't go down that route, but like you said - it's her choices to make. I know her inner struggle all too well, and know that she is vulnerable to caving into things like alcohol and drugs if they become available to her. It doesn't help knowing his inner cycle, his history, and just the area that this rehab facility is. It's littered with drug use everywhere, liquor stores on every block, and nicknamed "toilet". Her real fight will be when she is out of rehab, and moves into a recovery home and the real world. Her plan was to do the mandated 4 months here, and then do 8 months at a recovery home last time I talked to her.

I'm trying to do the right thing and concentrate on myself, but obviously struggling. It's very mixed emotions on everything from wanting to talk to her again, and worrying about her. Every time I worry about her, this new romance, or her addiction - I have to remind myself that she clearly isn't worried about me right now so why am I?

I'm trying to take in and listen to what everyone is telling me here. Every time I'm struggling, I go back and read this thread's replies again. For strangers, everyone here really has a great way of showing me that they care and understand. Pretty sure my family and friends are tired of hearing about her by now, and think I'm a lost cause. They don't understand, and never will like everyone here does.

sage1969

I struggled with the rabbit hole for several months after going no contact with my XABF.

At some point it might be helpful to recognise when you're about to go down the rabbit hole, then have a toolbox for what to do and focus on to stay above ground. For me, my list included 5-10 mile hikes or runs, immersing myself in my art, gardening, even taking a drive with heavy metal at an excruciatingly loud volume -- basically make a list of what brings you back inside your body and inside your mind, with enough options that you can keep picking tools each time you see the rabbit hole coming up.

Indisposed

Yeah, it seems like the only time I don't head down there is when I'm cooking dinner, but even at that, I still find myself thinking about her.

I do realize that this is a walk, not a sprint though. I'm in the grieving stage, and still making excuses for her actions/blaming myself, instead of giving myself reasons not to be worried about her.

trailmix

You are making her sound so "together", she's making decisions about her future and what partner in life will bring her happiness etc etc. Why would you think she is now so in-tune with her life? She's been sober (if she is) for about 20 minutes.

She doesn't care whether you were supportive or not really. Well she might have on some level. There is only so far a person can go being "supported" before they have to take some responsibility (in this type of scenario). She knew the ride was done. So she bailed.

Better for her may not be the same as better in your book? She's looking for no pressure, maybe she found that.

This is probably it don't you think? I'm sure you are lonely right now, who wouldn't be when it all ended so suddenly. Honestly you could go pick up a random stranger in a bar tonight (please don't lol) and they would probably treat you better than she did.

That you know of. You know she's a liar, she's also an addict she probably drank more and took more pills and who knows what else, than you will ever know.

Those are hugely serious drugs - as is alcohol.

Yes, it might be true. But it's her version of love, which likely is screwed up, don't you think? It may even be what she thought she wanted, but she couldn't deal with it. As above, relationships take responsibility.

It never was, except as it relates to you being abused and hurt

Indisposed

You're right - I am giving her too much credit and thinking way too far ahead. I guess these are more fears of mine, and the thought of failure on my end because I wasn't able make the relationship work, no matter how hard I tried.

I just hate the guilty feeling of not setting boundaries, and maybe making mistakes by enabling her to treat me the way she did. It's partially my fault because I stayed, and took it to the point where I convinced her to go into treatment. Maybe if I left earlier, maybe she would have made the choice to get help, but I doubt that and think she would've most likely been in jail or worse. None of this really matters at this point though.

and yes, the companionship is the big thing I'm missing. It was because we had very similar personalities, and got along great minus the addiction. She is very charming - but I don't miss the negative aspects of the relationship. The negative aspects were a HUGE part, maybe even outweighed the good. It's hard to decide which outweighed the other at this point.

I do question how much she used other serious drugs behind my back, but know she was drinking almost every day and hiding it as much as possible. She didn't really have friends, and we pretty much were together anytime she left the house. The times she did go out without me with her sister - drugs were always involved. I did question how many times she cheated on me, and still do. She swore it was only the one time, but her word didn't really mean much lol.

Again, I know none of these really matters, aside from now realizing why people always said I deserved better. It seemed like the love was more one sided, and same with the trust. I know she loved me, but her actions spoke way more than her actions. I just wish the mental illness and addiction weren't such a big part of who she was because I wouldn't be able to put the blame on them.

All I know is dating an alcoholic/addict is something that I wouldn't wish upon anyone. Never realized how much of a toll it takes out of you mentally and physically, and how it has you blaming yourself more than them.

trailmix

My Father was an alcoholic all his life, well at least as long as I knew him and quite some time before that. In his first marriage he had 2 Sons and a Daughter. The story goes he came home from work one day and she was gone with the kids. That was that. He never spoke to his Sons again, I have never met them, I did meet the Daughter.

Ffwd a few years, he and my Mom marry and they have 3 Daughters. My Mom was a great person, smart, loads of common sense, wise, funny, kind etc etc. My Father was a good provider, financially, not a good Father or Husband, pretty absent.

After 20 some years, my Mom divorced him (we were in our late teens). So why do I tell you this story? Because his first wife couldn't "fix" him - she left, he drank. Met my Mom, he drank she left and he continued to drink. Nothing she did or anyone did made a damn bit of difference. My Mom was not codependent, she never tried to fix him or make him get help or control him etc, to my knowledge.

He was not horrible all the time but he certainly could be, he was very smart, always had a good job, friends (drinking buddies at the very least).

So why do I tell you all this? Because nothing you were doing or would do would make a damn bit of difference, enable, don't, be nice be mean, argue, don't argue, control, back off, doesn't matter, she wanted to drink and drug so she did. When you read the stories on this forum I know you are looking for answers to why and how she could do what she did and you see similar stories, but look at the person telling the story too. These are good people who tried, many for years, to be supportive and maintain a relationship, for most, didn't matter a jot.

Your story is in their story.

Enabling might be bad for her, but oh well, it's really bad for YOU.