Traumatic experience with A GF breakup and Covid 19
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
No, I wasn't surprised. It's just unreal dealing with someone that doesn't even have a toe in reality.
And 100% she's projecting. She's always done it. She literally describes what she's doing every time she's confronted with an issue. It's one of the most irritating and frustrating characteristics to ever have to deal with.
This is over, like I said. I was making myself available due to the trauma she experienced but that's not a license to abuse. I will not see or speak to her again.
And 100% she's projecting. She's always done it. She literally describes what she's doing every time she's confronted with an issue. It's one of the most irritating and frustrating characteristics to ever have to deal with.
This is over, like I said. I was making myself available due to the trauma she experienced but that's not a license to abuse. I will not see or speak to her again.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Originally Posted by jjwinters 
No, I wasn't surprised. It's just unreal dealing with someone that doesn't even have a toe in reality.
And 100% she's projecting. She's always done it. She literally describes what she's doing every time she's confronted with an issue. It's one of the most irritating and frustrating characteristics to ever have to deal with.
This is over, like I said. I was making myself available due to the trauma she experienced but that's not a license to abuse. I will not see or speak to her again.
And 100% she's projecting. She's always done it. She literally describes what she's doing every time she's confronted with an issue. It's one of the most irritating and frustrating characteristics to ever have to deal with.
This is over, like I said. I was making myself available due to the trauma she experienced but that's not a license to abuse. I will not see or speak to her again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Yes, I've blocked her and deleted everything. As well on social media. But she won't be trying to get back together after this, I can tell you that. She's not that type. She's already convinced herself that I'm an absolutely awful POS and everything wrong in her life is my fault. She's painted me black. And her family is most certainly reinforcing that. In fact, I'm positive they helped her write that text.
The real problem is, I'm an obstruction to her alcoholism. And that's the only thing she cares about. She's had enough of that and wants to be with someone that will enable her.
The real problem is, I'm an obstruction to her alcoholism. And that's the only thing she cares about. She's had enough of that and wants to be with someone that will enable her.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jj------well, of course, she was defensive. At least, you got the satisfaction of telling her how she hurt you. Most of the time, when you confront someone with their worst behaviors/traits, you are going to get some defensiveness. Most people are not evolved or mature enough to accept it with quiet introspection and humility. It doesn't matter how accurate we have been in describing their shortcomings and assaults.
I know that this is another step toward accepting who she is and what has happened----and, probably introduces you to another stage of your expected grieving. If you keep her blocked, this signals the finality of the thing. An increase in the pain in grieving. It is the finality that we are sooo trying to avoid.
In reality, there is never enough of the so called "closure"-----as, we don't really crave closeure---we crave the continuation of the relationship as we Wished it would be. Getting to acceptance is a tough, tough, tough valley to walk. I have walked it. It is like an emotional version of walking through one of those Halloween Scare Houses. I really think, that this is the mo st difficult part of the journey.
But, you will make it. You will not stay at this stage, forever. Eventually, you will move on to another stage-----moving, ever closer to your final healing.
I know that this is another step toward accepting who she is and what has happened----and, probably introduces you to another stage of your expected grieving. If you keep her blocked, this signals the finality of the thing. An increase in the pain in grieving. It is the finality that we are sooo trying to avoid.
In reality, there is never enough of the so called "closure"-----as, we don't really crave closeure---we crave the continuation of the relationship as we Wished it would be. Getting to acceptance is a tough, tough, tough valley to walk. I have walked it. It is like an emotional version of walking through one of those Halloween Scare Houses. I really think, that this is the mo st difficult part of the journey.
But, you will make it. You will not stay at this stage, forever. Eventually, you will move on to another stage-----moving, ever closer to your final healing.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Dandylion, that is really well said. Acceptance is a hard place to get to and there aren't any shortcuts. Only setbacks. That small exchange with her was a step towards acceptance. That is not someone I am capable of coexisting with. She doesn't want to coexist. She wants someone to submit and never take issue with anything.
I am angry, sad, jealous, hopeful at times, depressed... It all just has to play itself out. I know I shouldn't, but I wish the absolute worst for her and her family. I know eventually I have to let go of that.
I am angry, sad, jealous, hopeful at times, depressed... It all just has to play itself out. I know I shouldn't, but I wish the absolute worst for her and her family. I know eventually I have to let go of that.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,431
Feel your feelings right now. You have plenty to be angry about. But if she has a key to your house, change the locks just to be safe. Drunks do stupid and impulsive things and it sounds like she looks for a late night audience to persecute. When she comes back to your area, I would not be surprised if she tried to get a few more punishing blows in just to do it.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
jj------I think that Hawkeye makes a good point----that she may make some future attempts to rope you back into the corral. So many will do just that. It is best if you are aware of that.
*****please guard against secretly hoping that she will do that---in lingering hopes that it may be an opportunity to salvage the relationship----that she will come as a different and enlightened person. Lol----that is Hallmark thinking. Romance novel thinking.
Sometimes, the scenario goes like this---------------You are making good progress in grieving and beginning to move forward, to some degree, in your life. Then, out of nowhere, she makes contact, in such a way that it sends the Siren Song reverberating through your mind.
Do have your support system so that you can be strong, if you are thrown off balance.
It may never happen. also. I am just saying.
*****please guard against secretly hoping that she will do that---in lingering hopes that it may be an opportunity to salvage the relationship----that she will come as a different and enlightened person. Lol----that is Hallmark thinking. Romance novel thinking.
Sometimes, the scenario goes like this---------------You are making good progress in grieving and beginning to move forward, to some degree, in your life. Then, out of nowhere, she makes contact, in such a way that it sends the Siren Song reverberating through your mind.
Do have your support system so that you can be strong, if you are thrown off balance.
It may never happen. also. I am just saying.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by jjwinters
I am angry, sad, jealous, hopeful at times, depressed... It all just has to play itself out. I know I shouldn't, but I wish the absolute worst for her and her family. I know eventually I have to let go of that.
Try not to get in any other relationships for awhile. Unfortunately, as crazy as she is, there are plenty more women out there just as nuts. The details will vary but is similar dysfunction.
Congrats for blocking her. Start putting together some no-contact days. I counted days of no contact like each day was a gold coin of immense value . . . .I couldn't feel any healing at the time but chose to believe that it was taking place. This helped.
Let us know how you get on.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I really appreciate all the advice. These are really useful tools moving forward. I think my biggest problem is having that romance novel thinking. That's exactly how I found myself back in this relationship. I start thinking we're meant for each other and we're capable of working out these problems if only x,y,z were to happen. And then I can't imagine myself with anyone else. Or especially her with anyone else. Then the fear sets in, and I do whatever I can "not to lose my soul mate." But none of that is true. I obviously have underlying problems that make me susceptible to that kind of thinking. It's going to take a very active effort on my part to fight those thoughts.
Hawkeye, you are right about her going on the attack late at night. However, she's not going to try to come over here and break in or anything like that. She's going to try to hurt me by hooking up with other people and finding a way to let me know about it. I also think she's going to somewhat come to her senses when she's not in that psychotic echo chamber with her family. That's when I suspect she will try to reach out "to have some closure."
There's no way I'm going to try dating anyone for quite a long time. This really did a number on me. I think when the time is right, I'll meet someone just going about life the right way.
Hawkeye, you are right about her going on the attack late at night. However, she's not going to try to come over here and break in or anything like that. She's going to try to hurt me by hooking up with other people and finding a way to let me know about it. I also think she's going to somewhat come to her senses when she's not in that psychotic echo chamber with her family. That's when I suspect she will try to reach out "to have some closure."
There's no way I'm going to try dating anyone for quite a long time. This really did a number on me. I think when the time is right, I'll meet someone just going about life the right way.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2015
Posts: 534
I just read this whole thread and....WOW.
j.j., you WILL get a happy-novel ending someday but it won’t EVER be that way with HER. Think about her Mom....do you want to end up with her? Because Little Miss Deranged Narcissist is going to be EXACTLY LIKE HER with a heaping spoonful of The Hateful Selfish Brother mixed in.
I hope you have a picture of her Mom (even better, a picture of the entire miserable family) to look at whenever you feel the slightest temptation to ever speak to, much less see, this horrific person.
Have you ever read about The Gray Rock solution when dealing with sociopaths and or narcissists? It would be a very useful tool if you ever have to engage with her again. Which you probably will, because she LOVES TO TORMENT and ABUSE YOU. I hope I’m wrong and she never darkens your doorstep again (or calls you at 4 am when she knows you are sick, etc.) but she’s playing a very fun (for a sadistic person) game with you.
Be strong, Gray Rock the s**t out of her and go find someone who deserves you!
You mentioned someone who “Even in her worst moments, my friend took the time to help me feel better.“ THAT is the type of person you DESERVE— not a freakishly cruel excuse for a human being.
I hope you feel better soon!
j.j., you WILL get a happy-novel ending someday but it won’t EVER be that way with HER. Think about her Mom....do you want to end up with her? Because Little Miss Deranged Narcissist is going to be EXACTLY LIKE HER with a heaping spoonful of The Hateful Selfish Brother mixed in.
I hope you have a picture of her Mom (even better, a picture of the entire miserable family) to look at whenever you feel the slightest temptation to ever speak to, much less see, this horrific person.
Have you ever read about The Gray Rock solution when dealing with sociopaths and or narcissists? It would be a very useful tool if you ever have to engage with her again. Which you probably will, because she LOVES TO TORMENT and ABUSE YOU. I hope I’m wrong and she never darkens your doorstep again (or calls you at 4 am when she knows you are sick, etc.) but she’s playing a very fun (for a sadistic person) game with you.
Be strong, Gray Rock the s**t out of her and go find someone who deserves you!
You mentioned someone who “Even in her worst moments, my friend took the time to help me feel better.“ THAT is the type of person you DESERVE— not a freakishly cruel excuse for a human being.
I hope you feel better soon!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Thank you, Zevin. And I applaud your patience reading through that entire thing!
I've vaguely heard of the Gray Rock solution. I just looked it up again. Looking back, there are certainly things I would have done a whole lot differently. That's one of them. This was my first rodeo with a full blown deranged narcissist. While I may not have fallen into as many traps as I have, the outcome would have been the same. This is not a lesson I plan on learning twice though. The signs are pretty unmistakeable and I know the price.
Seeing responses like yours are really helpful. There's still a part of me that's in denial and lacking perspective at times. When I read reactions like yours or similar from friends, it kind of snaps me out of it. It's like... "YES. She IS really that psychotic."
The anger really takes control at times, which I'm trying to deal with as best as I can. You want to just go off on these people and you can't say a word. I guess it's far better dealing with that now then coexisting with these lunatics for the rest of my life. Just another fun fact... my ex would never even discuss where we would spend any holiday's. She would book every trip to her home in Texas and I either came or we didn't spend them together. Good times.
I've vaguely heard of the Gray Rock solution. I just looked it up again. Looking back, there are certainly things I would have done a whole lot differently. That's one of them. This was my first rodeo with a full blown deranged narcissist. While I may not have fallen into as many traps as I have, the outcome would have been the same. This is not a lesson I plan on learning twice though. The signs are pretty unmistakeable and I know the price.
Seeing responses like yours are really helpful. There's still a part of me that's in denial and lacking perspective at times. When I read reactions like yours or similar from friends, it kind of snaps me out of it. It's like... "YES. She IS really that psychotic."
The anger really takes control at times, which I'm trying to deal with as best as I can. You want to just go off on these people and you can't say a word. I guess it's far better dealing with that now then coexisting with these lunatics for the rest of my life. Just another fun fact... my ex would never even discuss where we would spend any holiday's. She would book every trip to her home in Texas and I either came or we didn't spend them together. Good times.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Originally Posted by jjwinters
Just another fun fact... my ex would never even discuss where we would spend any holiday's. She would book every trip to her home in Texas and I either came or we didn't spend them together. Good times.
You know, if you’re going to be treated like The Help, you should have at least gotten paid.
Stay strong. Better things lie ahead!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 23
I'm happy you are negative for COVID-19. What you've been through is mentally/emotionally/physically/spiritually traumatizing with the sickness and the negative experiences with your ex and her brother. Condolences to her dad and I hope you know you're a kind soul. Don't blame yourself. Any other person who is not easily influenced or brainwashed by association with toxic relatives will be compassionate and not make you feel like a burden to contact.
It feels like 2 years was just a dream right? It's 2 years you and her invested in so you can have a future. Does she usually change like this when she is around her older brother??? Was this always an issue when he's in the picture? Because you said you are always the third wheel when it comes to them.. an outside party. That's so much pain to already feel rejected by someone's family. It always feel like they will choose the family over you anyway. I'm so sorry but you are truly a kind person who just went through so much pain.
I'm sorry this has happened. Even if she wasn't drinking (is she an alcoholic? I wasn't sure based on your post), can you handle being with in-laws like that? I know I was willing to suck it up... because I would only deal with the in-laws once in a while. Either way, I'm doing that thing that I don't want to do but it seems like everyone wants us to do----only think of the bad stuff, it's too much pain with no reciprocation...=(
I hope everything heals for you---I know it's easier said than done. I'm trying to do that self-care too... this quarantine is insane for our passing thoughts. I'm a natural over-thinker... it's the scientist in me. I like to analyze and re-analyze and try to rationalize.. it's a double-edge sword with feelings and relationships.
I hope you are truly not going to blame yourself and if she changes, take it one step at a time. Do not get manipulated... if anything, keep her at a distance....
It feels like 2 years was just a dream right? It's 2 years you and her invested in so you can have a future. Does she usually change like this when she is around her older brother??? Was this always an issue when he's in the picture? Because you said you are always the third wheel when it comes to them.. an outside party. That's so much pain to already feel rejected by someone's family. It always feel like they will choose the family over you anyway. I'm so sorry but you are truly a kind person who just went through so much pain.
Originally Posted by jjwinters
Yeah...I hate myself for loving this person. I feel betrayed...I wish I could wake up one morning and not give a damn. She is a bad person. I know that. Yet, I still wait for that phone call. When I know what I should do is drop all of her stuff off at her place without any warning and block her from all communication. I don't have it in me to do it yet but I'm really trying.
I hope everything heals for you---I know it's easier said than done. I'm trying to do that self-care too... this quarantine is insane for our passing thoughts. I'm a natural over-thinker... it's the scientist in me. I like to analyze and re-analyze and try to rationalize.. it's a double-edge sword with feelings and relationships.
I hope you are truly not going to blame yourself and if she changes, take it one step at a time. Do not get manipulated... if anything, keep her at a distance....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Thank you for the kind words, Hope.
Yes... she usually does get like this around her family. Especially, her brother. It would be one thing if I didn't have the best time around them, but it's clearly much more severe than that. She has always done serious damage to the relationship while spending time with them. I knew the relationship would blow up any time she went out to visit her brother. I started developing severe dread and anxiety every time I knew a trip was coming up.
I would say she's absolutely an alcoholic. She won't admit to it. She doesn't go a day without drinking. Some days are more moderate than others but she gets sloppy drunk frequently. Since going back home, she's been drunk every day. It's so severe, she can't even take breaks between drinks. Constantly demanding refills before her drink is finished and has to have a drink immediately when we get back home from somewhere. And she's always an angry and confrontational drunk.
It's pretty obvious to me now that the reason her family didn't accept me is the same reason she would end the relationship. They feel judged just by being around me. It's painfully obvious how awful they are when there's someone in the room that's actually respectful and kind.
I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.
I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.
I wish you the best with your self-care as well. I can relate to what you're describing. I hope you're finding ways of getting some relief.
Yes... she usually does get like this around her family. Especially, her brother. It would be one thing if I didn't have the best time around them, but it's clearly much more severe than that. She has always done serious damage to the relationship while spending time with them. I knew the relationship would blow up any time she went out to visit her brother. I started developing severe dread and anxiety every time I knew a trip was coming up.
I would say she's absolutely an alcoholic. She won't admit to it. She doesn't go a day without drinking. Some days are more moderate than others but she gets sloppy drunk frequently. Since going back home, she's been drunk every day. It's so severe, she can't even take breaks between drinks. Constantly demanding refills before her drink is finished and has to have a drink immediately when we get back home from somewhere. And she's always an angry and confrontational drunk.
It's pretty obvious to me now that the reason her family didn't accept me is the same reason she would end the relationship. They feel judged just by being around me. It's painfully obvious how awful they are when there's someone in the room that's actually respectful and kind.
I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.
I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.
I wish you the best with your self-care as well. I can relate to what you're describing. I hope you're finding ways of getting some relief.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by jjwinters
Thank you for the kind words, Hope.
Yes... she usually does get like this around her family. Especially, her brother. It would be one thing if I didn't have the best time around them, but it's clearly much more severe than that. She has always done serious damage to the relationship while spending time with them. I knew the relationship would blow up any time she went out to visit her brother. I started developing severe dread and anxiety every time I knew a trip was coming up.
I would say she's absolutely an alcoholic. She won't admit to it. She doesn't go a day without drinking. Some days are more moderate than others but she gets sloppy drunk frequently. Since going back home, she's been drunk every day. It's so severe, she can't even take breaks between drinks. Constantly demanding refills before her drink is finished and has to have a drink immediately when we get back home from somewhere. And she's always an angry and confrontational drunk.
It's pretty obvious to me now that the reason her family didn't accept me is the same reason she would end the relationship. They feel judged just by being around me. It's painfully obvious how awful they are when there's someone in the room that's actually respectful and kind.
I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.
I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.
I wish you the best with your self-care as well. I can relate to what you're describing. I hope you're finding ways of getting some relief.
Yes... she usually does get like this around her family. Especially, her brother. It would be one thing if I didn't have the best time around them, but it's clearly much more severe than that. She has always done serious damage to the relationship while spending time with them. I knew the relationship would blow up any time she went out to visit her brother. I started developing severe dread and anxiety every time I knew a trip was coming up.
I would say she's absolutely an alcoholic. She won't admit to it. She doesn't go a day without drinking. Some days are more moderate than others but she gets sloppy drunk frequently. Since going back home, she's been drunk every day. It's so severe, she can't even take breaks between drinks. Constantly demanding refills before her drink is finished and has to have a drink immediately when we get back home from somewhere. And she's always an angry and confrontational drunk.
It's pretty obvious to me now that the reason her family didn't accept me is the same reason she would end the relationship. They feel judged just by being around me. It's painfully obvious how awful they are when there's someone in the room that's actually respectful and kind.
I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.
I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.
I wish you the best with your self-care as well. I can relate to what you're describing. I hope you're finding ways of getting some relief.
Wishing you the best.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
You know, sometimes when we are ruminating (which is natural) we need to force ourselves out of it. I think of it as a way of healing. Forcing something like that sometimes seems wrong though - I mean - "feel your feelings" right?
You are hurt by her lack of care for your feelings, you feel betrayed. That is 100 percent normal I think. I also think it's what happens when we apply "normal" thinking to an addict. You should be like this, or I expected you to react like this but instead you did - that. It can be a circle of thought, even in the aftermath of the tornado.
I am close to someone who is a friend of a compulsive liar. It's the same disbelief sometimes. She said she does this - then turns around and does that! What is she thinking??
So, back to my original point. At some point I think it's wise to distract yourself, distract your thoughts. I love the idea your therapist had of writing these thoughts down. I hope you also revisit that writing when you are feeling strong so you can view it with a really critical eye. Other activities that keep your mind focused on other things also helps (movies, reading, talking to others, posting here).
Maybe think more about what you want (in your life, in your next relationship) than what you had - and write that down too?
You are hurt by her lack of care for your feelings, you feel betrayed. That is 100 percent normal I think. I also think it's what happens when we apply "normal" thinking to an addict. You should be like this, or I expected you to react like this but instead you did - that. It can be a circle of thought, even in the aftermath of the tornado.
I am close to someone who is a friend of a compulsive liar. It's the same disbelief sometimes. She said she does this - then turns around and does that! What is she thinking??
So, back to my original point. At some point I think it's wise to distract yourself, distract your thoughts. I love the idea your therapist had of writing these thoughts down. I hope you also revisit that writing when you are feeling strong so you can view it with a really critical eye. Other activities that keep your mind focused on other things also helps (movies, reading, talking to others, posting here).
Maybe think more about what you want (in your life, in your next relationship) than what you had - and write that down too?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I'll have to check out that book.
Trailmix, everything you're saying makes total sense. Honestly, that's what I've been trying to do. I've been making a real effort not to dwell around the clock. I try to watch a movie every night, go for walks, paint etc. Any kind of positive distraction I can think of. It's very hard to escape mentally under these circumstances.
This pandemic has really compounded my level of anxiety and depression. I've lost a huge chunk of my savings and my work prospects are non-existent. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I try not to think about that and take everything 1 day or moment at a time, but I can crumble under the weight at times. It really feels like this has been the perfect storm... personally, financially, mentally, physically. I don't know that I've ever been hit so directly on all fronts like this. I just feel desperate for some stability.
It's a good idea to start looking more to the future. I try to visualize what I want every night before going to sleep. I've been doing that for about a week. But I definitely spend way too much time thinking about the past so I can cut back on that.
Trailmix, everything you're saying makes total sense. Honestly, that's what I've been trying to do. I've been making a real effort not to dwell around the clock. I try to watch a movie every night, go for walks, paint etc. Any kind of positive distraction I can think of. It's very hard to escape mentally under these circumstances.
This pandemic has really compounded my level of anxiety and depression. I've lost a huge chunk of my savings and my work prospects are non-existent. I genuinely don't know how I'm going to make it through this. I try not to think about that and take everything 1 day or moment at a time, but I can crumble under the weight at times. It really feels like this has been the perfect storm... personally, financially, mentally, physically. I don't know that I've ever been hit so directly on all fronts like this. I just feel desperate for some stability.
It's a good idea to start looking more to the future. I try to visualize what I want every night before going to sleep. I've been doing that for about a week. But I definitely spend way too much time thinking about the past so I can cut back on that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,005
Originally Posted by jjwinters
I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.
I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.
.
Well done to stay active although it may not take the pain away, it does pass the time.
Let us know how you get on.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,639
I also think you are on the right path. You know, I have been stuck where you are now, except you are doing everything you should and I wasn't! For me, I need answers, otherwise my mind just keeps going round and round it. So yes, this is annoying (at least). So I researched. I landed on narcissism (for a particular relationship). I couldn't just settle on that, ok the person has all the criteria but why and how does that originate and how does that look? So I researched that. Then I could let it go. I knew there was nothing to be done (although by the time I had done all the research I didn't care so much about doing anything about it) but it honestly let me detach completely.
It wasn't me, heck it wasn't even him, he was just being who he is (which upon reflection was rather sad - for him). For the rest of his life he will be that - that confused, that seeking that - whatever. That is NO place for me to be, no one I would ever want a relationship with. Of course before he revealed so much it just seemed - quirky.
Did we have a lot of fun and good times? Absolutely. He was also a person who could discuss things and could be very funny. Thing is, this other side, was what I think of as the "real" him, all the rest is just window dressing to get what he wants. I can think of it either way I suppose, the "nice" person might be the real him and the miserable, demanding person might be the quirk? I know this is not true.
So I'm thinking, when thinking of a future relationship, picture what you want and need, which is not what she is, never was, never will be? I get the romance novel view and I also get how it's not too difficult to slip in to that mindset, but only you can change that dialogue with yourself. If you imagine her, imagine her as she really is. Drunk, mean, demanding, rude, dismissive, don't cherry pick the good? That's destructive to you because it's not true.
When I would listen to exhibit A (ex boyfriend - funny even calling him that now makes me cringe lol) speak, after we had broken up, even though he slipped up often and was really rather horrible (about other people he was speaking of and being manipulative) although deep down it made me uncomfortable, I still hung on, until someone said to me (probably for the 150th time) he doesn't mean anything he is saying, can't you SEE what a jerk he is (i'm paraphrasing) and suddenly (finally!) the light truly went on and his words became what they were, venom.
I hope for you that you soon get to that place and see what she is. Yes, perhaps a lot of it is the alcoholism but honestly, even if she quit today, she would not be little miss sunshine. She is living alcoholism and all that envelopes and has been for YEARS. She might put a bottle down but those personality traits aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
It wasn't me, heck it wasn't even him, he was just being who he is (which upon reflection was rather sad - for him). For the rest of his life he will be that - that confused, that seeking that - whatever. That is NO place for me to be, no one I would ever want a relationship with. Of course before he revealed so much it just seemed - quirky.
Did we have a lot of fun and good times? Absolutely. He was also a person who could discuss things and could be very funny. Thing is, this other side, was what I think of as the "real" him, all the rest is just window dressing to get what he wants. I can think of it either way I suppose, the "nice" person might be the real him and the miserable, demanding person might be the quirk? I know this is not true.
So I'm thinking, when thinking of a future relationship, picture what you want and need, which is not what she is, never was, never will be? I get the romance novel view and I also get how it's not too difficult to slip in to that mindset, but only you can change that dialogue with yourself. If you imagine her, imagine her as she really is. Drunk, mean, demanding, rude, dismissive, don't cherry pick the good? That's destructive to you because it's not true.
When I would listen to exhibit A (ex boyfriend - funny even calling him that now makes me cringe lol) speak, after we had broken up, even though he slipped up often and was really rather horrible (about other people he was speaking of and being manipulative) although deep down it made me uncomfortable, I still hung on, until someone said to me (probably for the 150th time) he doesn't mean anything he is saying, can't you SEE what a jerk he is (i'm paraphrasing) and suddenly (finally!) the light truly went on and his words became what they were, venom.
I hope for you that you soon get to that place and see what she is. Yes, perhaps a lot of it is the alcoholism but honestly, even if she quit today, she would not be little miss sunshine. She is living alcoholism and all that envelopes and has been for YEARS. She might put a bottle down but those personality traits aren't going anywhere anytime soon.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
