Originally Posted by jjwinters

Thank you for the kind words, Hope.

Yes... she usually does get like this around her family. Especially, her brother. It would be one thing if I didn't have the best time around them, but it's clearly much more severe than that. She has always done serious damage to the relationship while spending time with them. I knew the relationship would blow up any time she went out to visit her brother. I started developing severe dread and anxiety every time I knew a trip was coming up.

I would say she's absolutely an alcoholic. She won't admit to it. She doesn't go a day without drinking. Some days are more moderate than others but she gets sloppy drunk frequently. Since going back home, she's been drunk every day. It's so severe, she can't even take breaks between drinks. Constantly demanding refills before her drink is finished and has to have a drink immediately when we get back home from somewhere. And she's always an angry and confrontational drunk.

It's pretty obvious to me now that the reason her family didn't accept me is the same reason she would end the relationship. They feel judged just by being around me. It's painfully obvious how awful they are when there's someone in the room that's actually respectful and kind.

I've been better on some fronts but it's still very fresh and painful. It's still consuming my day to day train of thought. I've been taking my therapists advice and just writing all those thoughts down to get them out. I'm feeling a lot of betrayal and anger. You think you have this bond with someone, and like you said, invested so much of yourself in a future together. I don't think I can ever wrap my head around the way she treated me during this latest ordeal. I think that goes far beyond alcoholism. She has no sympathy or compassion whatsoever. She got off on tormenting me.

I still have a long ways to go but my feet are much more planted in reality these days. She was never committed to the relationship. She was going to run any time the relationship compromised her lifestyle. I think I was foolish to think that marriage could potentially protect me from that. I'm sure anyone reading this would have some strong feelings about that kind of logic. This pandemic has made the healing process really nightmarish. Time almost doesn't change. I'm writing music, painting, and keeping myself much more active (which is great) but I am seriously struggling mentally. And it's pretty daunting with no end in sight.

I wish you the best with your self-care as well. I can relate to what you're describing. I hope you're finding ways of getting some relief.