hopeful4

Do you get out and excercise? I say that because I went through (and still do) go through periods of extreme anxiety and some depression. I feel like my energy is nothing. However, I have to say the necessary work in my yard seems to kick my out of that and gives me energy. It's hard work. Push mowing, weeding, etc. However, when I am done I feel great. Just a though. I really do think you are doing the right things! Yes, keep posting. This forum is here to support each other!

jjwinters

I haven't been going outside much at all. I feel kind of uncomfortable and exposed if that makes any sense? I know that's the depression talking. I'm going to try to force some walks around the neighborhood though.

You're right, Trailmix. As far as this relationship being only a couple of years old, I am very lucky. I know that's a fraction of what a lot of people are dealing with. I was kind of speaking about life in general. I try not to feel sorry for myself. I know that doesn't help anything. I just get really frustrated that I can't attain some semblance of a normal life. Being in an abusive relationship certainly didn't help things.

I think when you deprive a child of "success," it can almost become unattainable in adult life because you're essentially trained to fail. It's a totally foreign concept to me to be happy, successful, have a healthy relationship, family etc. I haven't experienced any of that so it's kind of fiction to me. No matter what you do or how you behave externally, your inner thoughts truly dictate the outcome. When happiness isn't possible in your brain, it doesn't manifest in real life. I know I have some serious work to do on myself to change that.

As some of you had guessed, she has reached out to me several times the past couple of days. If anything, it's actually helped me want to stay away from her. She was drunk and hyper-narcissistic. In fact, she has not spoken to me once sober. There is just no way I can imagine dealing with someone that unhinged the rest of my life. If her father hadn't passed away, I would have blocked her #. And father's day is also coming up so the timing is not great. I don't reach out to her at all. If she calls or texts, I respond at my convenience and keep it very short. All her things are still going to her place and she's not welcome here when she gets back.

I think I was angry and felt betrayed by the way this happened but it was clearly for the best. I am staying the course and focusing on getting better mentally and physically. Thank you all for your support.

trailmix

Actually, I didn't mean to downplay the 2.5 years at all, fraction of what others have dealt with or not, it's a long time to be abused. What I was trying to say is that in the great big picture you haven't had a great go of it. You were only in your mid thirties and sometimes even in our 30s we are beginning to see what we want, what we have not done so well and what we have done really well. So you haven't had a good shot at having a good relationship yet, out of your 20s so I can absolutely see how you see the negative in it all.

That said, you will have opportunities to find that right person (job, house, car etc).

I am sorry to hear that taught "failure" has been part of your life. You know, some people think each mistake we make or slip up, whether that is a relationship, marriage or a not great car purchase is a failure - period. I tend to think of it as just another experience. Really like hitting a pot hole in the road - oops, now straighten out the car and onward.

Maybe not a great analogy but it's late haha. You know what I mean. Your entire life isn't a failure and neither are you. You may have hit a few pot holes but you are going to be just fine.

I do hope you try to force yourself out of the house, even if it's just a walk around the block or even to the corner and back, the more you are out there the better you will feel, as you know.

SmallButMighty

I like what trailmix said here, and I agree. Try not to look at everything that didn't or doesn't work out the way you wanted as a failure. Try instead to view it as a lesson or a learning experience...."Well, THAT didn't work, next time I will do ABC instead of XYZ"....Life is full of nothing but choices, sometimes we don't consider the options we don't like, or seem to difficult, but that doesn't mean they don't exist.

I think it is great you are going to push through your depression and get outside for some fresh air and a little exercise. I know it's hard to get motivated when you are feeling so down in the dumps (certainly been there myself) , but once you do it, you will feel so much better. I try to notice the simple beauty in things to take my mind of the whatever is bothering me, the flowers, the birds, children laughing, a happy dog "walking" his owner, cats on a front porch... even the bees and ants can be a fascinating distraction. Something about the act of smiling at these things makes me feel less burdened.

I know this is rough stuff you are dealing with right now, I know how heavy it feels, but this is temporary, it will get better. Unfortunately, just not as quickly as any of us would like it to. *hug*

jjwinters

I did manage to get out today. It is nice to just sit and take in nature a bit. I'd actually love to get a bird house or something for the squirrels.

I started feeling some guilt today for not reaching out to her. That's sort of the trap that always gets me staying with someone way longer than I should. I have no idea why I would feel guilty about someone that has no respect for me. It's probably what I think I deserve subconsciously. My therapist did recommend that I be very clear with my ex and let her know that I took her things to her place and we're no longer together. My ex is sort of acting like she can have or discard me as she pleases.

I do feel sorry for her that her family is so dysfunctional. I don't think she had any chance to develop into a healthy person. I know it's nothing I can fix though. The more understanding I have of personality disorders, I am fairly certain there is psychosis in that family. They have no conscience. I've met so many people over the years and never met anyone that didn't have some element of kindness in them. There is nothing there with them.

I really believe the father would still be alive today if he divorced. Between the abuse he was taking and the son getting him infected, it's unreal. He was sick and the mom still had him fixing things around the house. He died trying to fix something outside she was complaining about. Absolutely horrific.

dandylion

jj-------here is looking at it from another angle------------If (hypothetically) you were to see her abusing a dog or a cat----you would stop her, wouldn't you?
And, you wouldn't think---"She really should be allowed to abuse the dog, because she did grow up in such a dysfunctional family! I feel guilty for stopping her from kicking that dog"

jj-----replace the dog with yourself in that scenario-----don't you think that you deserve the same protection---without guilt----as the dog?

I will go even further, out o n a limb and suggest that you have misinterpreted compassion for "guilt". You may have mislabeled the emotion, in your own mind. You are free to feel compassion-----we all can feel compassion for situations that we can't/won't/shouldn't do anything about.
In fact, to run back to her after she has abused and devalued you, is enabling her----and, reinforcing----her habit of hurting other people.
Shouldn't you feel proud of yourself for not enabling such a thing----not "guilty".

jjwinters

This is why I'm here. Thank you.

jjwinters

So... been hitting a rough patch the past couple of days. I must be utterly brainwashed because it doesn't make any logical sense to miss this person.

However, I had a bit of a breakthrough. I started going through some of my old things... photos, letters, things I saved from other people, things I wrote; and it kind of hit me like a ton of bricks. It was like going through the belongings of another person. I completely lost myself to my ex. As much as I would try to think of things I enjoyed doing before I met her, it wasn't the same as looking and holding things that brought me back to that time. She made sure that everything I did revolved around in her some way. And she made sure I didn't do a lot. She attacked virtually every friendship I have and questioned everything. To the point where you just stop trying because you don't want to deal with the interrogation or aggressive outburst.

If you don't, I highly recommend holding on to things like old letters so you can go back to them when you need it. I might be nuts but I've kept every single letter written to me. It's a useful reminder when you're in a bad place.

Ariesagain

I’m glad to see another update from you. I know it probably doesn’t feel this way, but you are making real progress! That insight as to everything you had to give up just to placate her and continue the relationship is really excellent. You’re aware, I’m sure, that one of the most common tactics of abusers is to isolate their victims, yes? That way you have no support or outsiders pointing out how sick the situation really is. Once the victim is completely dependent, then the abuser can do whatever they want.

Last week IIRC you were working up to blocking her number? Any more progress there?

I hope you’re feeling much better...this is tough enough when you’re feeling healthy,let alone getting over Covid.

jjwinters

Yeah, you're right. She's been an absolute master at isolating me. It's just how her family operates. I've never seen a family so invasive and controlling. Even in our 30s, her mom had to know every little thing we were doing: where she was sleeping, what we were eating, when and where we were going out, what I was buying... you name it. And if she called when I was taking her on a date, she would stay on the phone on purpose to obstruct.

I haven't blocked her yet. I kind of wanted to hold out through Father's Day. As wicked as she is, I can still empathize with how traumatic it is to lose your dad. I just sent a small text paying respect to him but I didn't get into it more than that. She did end up texting me later and asking how I was doing. In keeping with her abusive behavior, she deliberately didn't respond to anything having to do with myself and would deflect to something else. She couldn't even say something nice like "have a good night". She would again deflect to my dog or something. It's an obvious and really nasty attempt to devalue me.

I just finished gathering the rest of her things and plan on dropping them off tomorrow. Once everything's there, I'm going to cut off all communication. The Covid recovery has been very strange. I feel pretty much fine now but my energy level is still low. I really have to psych myself up to get out and take care of things.

Ariesagain

My understanding of Covid is that recovery, even in the young like you, isn’t at all linear. Add in this trauma and it would be perfectly understandable if you crawled under the bed and stayed there, so congratulate yourself on everything you have accomplished despite it all, yes?

You know, my life was pretty messy when I was your age. I also had a dysfunctional family and it turned me into a perfect little codependent. But it does get better...I learned to do a better job of asserting myself and respecting that my needs and emotions were valid, too. And that I am only responsible for my own happiness and to let others be responsible for theirs. But it’s a whole lot easier to get better when you’re with someone who thinks you’re wonderful and always has your back. And you will find that person.

Keep up the great progress, yes? You are stronger than you know.

Aries

jjwinters

Thank you, Aries. That's such a thoughtful and kind response.

I've been trying to give myself credit for the things I've been able to get done. No matter how good or bad I'm feeling, I make it a point to at least get one thing taken care of every day. I did hit a pretty big milestone today and got the rest of her things dropped off. I need to kind of simmer on that before I take the next step. My therapist said that I should absolutely let her know that I did that and that we won't be getting back together. I'm very torn in my mind what to include in that message. I was thinking to just keep it short, "I dropped off all your things at your place. I wish you well" kind of thing. But I have a strong urge to express my anger towards her and let her know how awful she's been to me. I don't know if there's a right answer but the thought of her thinking she's done nothing wrong doesn't sit right with me. Even if she doesn't believe it. I feel she should hear how badly she's treated me during this time.

On the other hand, I know that kind of response will just start a vicious back and forth and probably won't serve me any good in the end. I'm probably better off just pushing that dumpster fire raft off into the seas and waving a friendly good-bye.

I think it's true there's a lot of figuring out you have to do in your 30's. I always thought that's what my 20's were for! This is a painful lesson that will serve me in the future. I will hopefully set up healthier boundaries with people, like you said, and also really appreciate the right person when they come along. Not that I'm someone who would take anyone for granted, but I think I would stress a lot less about the smaller things when I'm with someone who is genuinely good.

I've come to find there are actually two kinds of people. Good people who make mistakes. And bad people who occasionally do the right thing.

Ariesagain

I understand both your therapist’s viewpoint and your completely valid urge to rip the ex a new one...but let me ask you this: you’ve broken up what, six times? More? And I would think you said more than “oh,okay.”

Did any of those discussions lead you anywhere?

She will never admit she’s done anything wrong. Narcissists are never wrong. Only other people are.

She will never acknowledge the part that her family or her alcohol use have played In her dysfunction. She will defend both to the death.

Realistically, what would yet another fight accomplish? Engaging is engaging, not moving farther away.

Sleep on it some more. Feel better.

Bekindalways

[QUOTE=jjwinters;7465991

I'm probably better off just pushing that dumpster fire raft off into the seas and waving a friendly good-bye.
[/QUOTE]

JJ, I'm loving this image . . . .yep, it is indeed a dumpster fire.

Please have a sitting ovation for the emotional slogging that you are doing right now. It is so dang tough.

dandylion

jjwinters-------I, also, understand that desire to "rip her a new one"----I know, from experience, that it burns like a hot coal in the craw.

Ponder this-------The main reason that one is advised to stop beating a dead horse is that the horse is not going to change---ever.

FionnaPerSe

Hi I had to comment-dont use Benzos if anyhow possible! They are the worst drugs ever. I had a friend who used it even for a short while and he is now completely ruined. Check out some of the youtube videos on getting off them too-it is worst than hell, apparently.

jjwinters

Hi Fionna,

Just wanted to first address your comment. Yes, I've heard the nightmare some people have experienced with benzos. I don't doubt it. I weirdly have virtually no reaction or physical dependence to them. I've been taking them on and off for close to 15 years at a low dose and never had an issue or increased my dose. I used to take a low dose daily for anxiety and insomnia. I decided one day I didn't want to be on any medications and stopped immediately with no issues at all. But who knows, I may be in the small minority there. It's always good to be cautious when taking any medication. In my case, I had severe withdrawals from antidepressants.

So... I slept on how to approach this departure with my ex. I couldn't bring myself to just write a friendly "thanks, but goodbye" and when I let it devolve into anger, it quickly turned into a thesis. I also think that's what she expects me to do. At the same time, I think my therapist is somewhat wrong that I owe this person any kind of decency, explanation, or respect. This isn't about lowering my values either. My values haven't changed.

I have always tried to be dignified and straightforward with my ex. And she has always used that against me. I think this one last time, she probably deserves to have the rug pulled from under her a bit. She thinks all her things are here and she's going to come to my place, let me know everything that is allegedly wrong with me, and then try to hug it out to make her feel better about herself. She wants to control how things end like she controls everything else. I want to let her think that until she reaches out to let me know she's coming back home and I finally tell her that her stuff is already gone and she won't be seeing me when she gets back. If I were to tell her now, she would try to hurt me as badly as possible by getting F'd up and hooking up with other people while she's out of down. It will drive her absolutely mad that she didn't get to do that, and frankly, that feels pretty good to me.

Ariesagain

Hey, you know your own mind...trust your judgment. FWIW, I think your therapist is wrong, too, if she thinks it would compromise your values to not wade into yet another endless argument. Your first value should be to value yourself.

Be careful, though. Not to go all bad 80s music on you, but this woman uses sex as a weapon. Don’t engage.

Be well!

Bekindalways

When I left my qualifier I wrote and rewrote letters to him . . . I'm old so pre-internet. In the end it probably doesn't matter what we say to them. Of course venting feels good so there is that. However, it probably won't change them at all.

The most important thing for most of us is going no contact. Of course now this means blocking them.

J, you need to do whatever you feel right about. Let us know how it goes.

dandylion

jj--------personally, I think it is a good thing to maintain a modicum of justifiable anger, at this stage of separation. Anger can be a good motivator, as it protect us from the more wrenching emotions, like sadness and fear. It can give us time to grow a new set of stronger wings. At least, that is how it has been with me.