Traumatic experience with A GF breakup and Covid 19
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Hey JJ, I hope you are getting through the days the best you can. This stuff is beyond difficult.
There is a book written by an alcoholic called Alcohol: A Love Story As loving alcohol is a sickness, our love of our qualifiers is a sickness. There really should be a different word for it. beside love.
Staying away from alcohol and/or a qualifier is just part of the solution. Those of us with these tendencies need to go pretty deep to figure out what is going on that causes us to go after alcohol or alcoholics. Ugh. Not fun . . . I'm decades out from leaving my qualifier and not sure I have gone as deep into my wounds as I should.
Courage to you J!
There is a book written by an alcoholic called Alcohol: A Love Story As loving alcohol is a sickness, our love of our qualifiers is a sickness. There really should be a different word for it. beside love.
Staying away from alcohol and/or a qualifier is just part of the solution. Those of us with these tendencies need to go pretty deep to figure out what is going on that causes us to go after alcohol or alcoholics. Ugh. Not fun . . . I'm decades out from leaving my qualifier and not sure I have gone as deep into my wounds as I should.
Courage to you J!
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Bekind, I really appreciate that. I'm doing my best. I would suggest replacing the word "love" with "curse."
The weekend has been unexpectedly difficult. Just as I was thinking I was starting to have some clarity, my own manipulative thoughts started to basically attack. I start thinking to myself, "maybe just reach out and say something nice. Just in case you still want things to work out." "It's really comforting having her around in spite of the chaos." "It would be so devastating to lose her to someone else." etc. And then I just start getting really depressed, angry, anxious, and mad at myself for letting these thoughts take over.
But I didn't give in. It really feels like a fight taking place in my own brain. I have to constantly fight that voice in my head that is trying to lead me back to her for all the wrong reasons. Everything has been on her terms. We speak when she allows us to speak. Even then, I'm basically not even part of the conversation. She deliberately doesn't say anything nice to me or ask about anything going on in my life. Last time, we spoke for like 2.5 hours and she didn't ask me a single question. She just wants to know that she can control me and have my attention when it suits her fancy. This is the curse of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. You find yourself giving up everything and expecting next to nothing in return.
I am trying to muster up enough energy to get all her stuff out of my house. I can barely get out of the house these days. I'm not going to call or send her some dramatic text. I am finally realizing that actions just need to be taken when dealing with someone like this. I have no doubt she actually wants to pick up her stuff so she can cause me additional pain. And she's such a narcissist that she would still want me fighting for her even if she wanted to break up.
It's so kind of all of you to check in. It means a lot to me. This is beyond difficult and every voice of reason is helping me from slipping up.
The weekend has been unexpectedly difficult. Just as I was thinking I was starting to have some clarity, my own manipulative thoughts started to basically attack. I start thinking to myself, "maybe just reach out and say something nice. Just in case you still want things to work out." "It's really comforting having her around in spite of the chaos." "It would be so devastating to lose her to someone else." etc. And then I just start getting really depressed, angry, anxious, and mad at myself for letting these thoughts take over.
But I didn't give in. It really feels like a fight taking place in my own brain. I have to constantly fight that voice in my head that is trying to lead me back to her for all the wrong reasons. Everything has been on her terms. We speak when she allows us to speak. Even then, I'm basically not even part of the conversation. She deliberately doesn't say anything nice to me or ask about anything going on in my life. Last time, we spoke for like 2.5 hours and she didn't ask me a single question. She just wants to know that she can control me and have my attention when it suits her fancy. This is the curse of being in a relationship with an alcoholic. You find yourself giving up everything and expecting next to nothing in return.
I am trying to muster up enough energy to get all her stuff out of my house. I can barely get out of the house these days. I'm not going to call or send her some dramatic text. I am finally realizing that actions just need to be taken when dealing with someone like this. I have no doubt she actually wants to pick up her stuff so she can cause me additional pain. And she's such a narcissist that she would still want me fighting for her even if she wanted to break up.
It's so kind of all of you to check in. It means a lot to me. This is beyond difficult and every voice of reason is helping me from slipping up.
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jj-------this is so difficult to do alone. It seems that you need much more support than you are getting. It is hard, on this end, because of not knowing any of your personal details.
It sounds, to me, like you must live in a decent size city? If so, there is probably alanon. If your area is beginning some opening up of the shutdown---there might be alanon meetings with social distancing in place? Even if not---perhaps you could call the local alanon number---which you could get off of the internet. I'll bet that you could get some supportive phone meetings with someone from alanon.
Another way to get support would be to call one of the local, larger hospitals and ask to speak to their social services department---and, ask to join one of their "grief groups". Most hospitals sponsor grieving groups. That would give good understanding support to you---especially during the earliest stages of your transition
It sounds, to me, like you must live in a decent size city? If so, there is probably alanon. If your area is beginning some opening up of the shutdown---there might be alanon meetings with social distancing in place? Even if not---perhaps you could call the local alanon number---which you could get off of the internet. I'll bet that you could get some supportive phone meetings with someone from alanon.
Another way to get support would be to call one of the local, larger hospitals and ask to speak to their social services department---and, ask to join one of their "grief groups". Most hospitals sponsor grieving groups. That would give good understanding support to you---especially during the earliest stages of your transition
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Thankfully, I have some neighbors and close friends that have been a tremendous help. They've let me come over and some have visited when I was in pretty desperate condition. I do live in a major city but probably won't attend any kind of meetings until the virus stuff clears. I don't want to risk getting any of my older neighbors sick by exposing myself to a bunch of people.
I took a pretty major step this morning and dropped off most of her things to her apartment. It was really difficult to do but I'm glad I did it. It felt like the first right decision I've made in a while that was for my own good and not hers. I didn't call or text her with any kind of warning like I previously would have. She has a friend checking in on her place so she'll find out soon enough. I plan on taking the rest of her stuff over in a couple of days. As long as she treats me like this, she's not welcome back in my home and I have no intention of seeing her.
I took a pretty major step this morning and dropped off most of her things to her apartment. It was really difficult to do but I'm glad I did it. It felt like the first right decision I've made in a while that was for my own good and not hers. I didn't call or text her with any kind of warning like I previously would have. She has a friend checking in on her place so she'll find out soon enough. I plan on taking the rest of her stuff over in a couple of days. As long as she treats me like this, she's not welcome back in my home and I have no intention of seeing her.
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I'm glad to hear it and I know it's so, so hard for you right now. Thankfully you have those neighbours and close friends. Please keep leaning on them? I know sometimes it seems like we are imposing or omg they are going to get sick of it but you know, people care about you and really do what to help see you through this (including us!).
One day at a time or one hour at a time jj. Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself, as you have just done by returning the items with no text/call. I think after you take that next load of things you will feel lighter.
One day at a time or one hour at a time jj. Just keep doing the next right thing for yourself, as you have just done by returning the items with no text/call. I think after you take that next load of things you will feel lighter.
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Good for you! You took that huge first step. I send you applause and cookies.
I know you know this, but sooner or later, as soon as she senses she has you ensnared again, she will “treat you like this.” You’re her Plan B. Or Plan W or Z. When her ego needs feeding and there’s no one else doing it, she turns to you. The second she finds her fix elsewhere, or you have the utter gall to need something in return, like support or love or kindness, she abuses you and walks away.
It’s a pathology. And it’s nothing you can change or fix or solve. All you can do is wish her well from a safe distance and get on with your one precious life.
I remember one of your threads where you talked about the things you liked to do that she wouldn’t accept or permit, like talking to your friends or having time alone with your thoughts to be creative. Are you feeling well enough to start getting back to some of those things?
I know you know this, but sooner or later, as soon as she senses she has you ensnared again, she will “treat you like this.” You’re her Plan B. Or Plan W or Z. When her ego needs feeding and there’s no one else doing it, she turns to you. The second she finds her fix elsewhere, or you have the utter gall to need something in return, like support or love or kindness, she abuses you and walks away.
It’s a pathology. And it’s nothing you can change or fix or solve. All you can do is wish her well from a safe distance and get on with your one precious life.
I remember one of your threads where you talked about the things you liked to do that she wouldn’t accept or permit, like talking to your friends or having time alone with your thoughts to be creative. Are you feeling well enough to start getting back to some of those things?
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So good to hear from you J and kudos for starting to get rid of her things.
This struck a chord with me, " I am finally realizing that actions just need to be taken when dealing with someone like this". I remember writing and re-writting letters (I'm old so pre internet) to my qualifier hoping that if i said it right, it would change something. Of course this was trying to control what I couldn't and made not a whit of difference.
She will probably contact you eventually. Ugh.
I hope your physical health is improving a bit. You are indeed living through some kind of triple/quadruple whammy.
This struck a chord with me, " I am finally realizing that actions just need to be taken when dealing with someone like this". I remember writing and re-writting letters (I'm old so pre internet) to my qualifier hoping that if i said it right, it would change something. Of course this was trying to control what I couldn't and made not a whit of difference.
She will probably contact you eventually. Ugh.
I hope your physical health is improving a bit. You are indeed living through some kind of triple/quadruple whammy.
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jj------great move on taking part of her things back! I hope you get all of the rest out of your place, soon---as those physical things can be a way of hanging on.
When you say "as long as she treats me like this"-----makes me think that as soon as she realizes that you have given her the stiff arm---she will manipulate you by turning all sweet and honey.
Like ariesagain said----then when she has you back into her web again----then she can feel confident in casting you aside, again. This is the nature of her pathology. I think that it is so important that you see this for what it is.
The only way not to become a pawn in her "game" is not to play. Be strong and be prepared for her next move. You are going to need a lot of support---make sure that you get it every where you possibly can.
When you say "as long as she treats me like this"-----makes me think that as soon as she realizes that you have given her the stiff arm---she will manipulate you by turning all sweet and honey.
Like ariesagain said----then when she has you back into her web again----then she can feel confident in casting you aside, again. This is the nature of her pathology. I think that it is so important that you see this for what it is.
The only way not to become a pawn in her "game" is not to play. Be strong and be prepared for her next move. You are going to need a lot of support---make sure that you get it every where you possibly can.
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JJ you seem to be dealing with this very well considering the circumstances. I know it doesn't feel like that on the inside but your posts have become progressively more positive. Keep it up.
You're only in your 30s and you have years of life to come to terms with your childhood. As you get older, and do more therapy, things that haunt you now will gradually fade. If you stay away from the trashy ex, you might even meet someone who is decent and loving.
You're only in your 30s and you have years of life to come to terms with your childhood. As you get older, and do more therapy, things that haunt you now will gradually fade. If you stay away from the trashy ex, you might even meet someone who is decent and loving.
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I'm glad you have friends and neighbors who can help and have checked on you while you recover. I hope you continue to feel better as the days and weeks go by.
As something for you to consider, for how long and how often does she get to treat you with such cruelty and disrespect? Is there a cut-off point for you? A point where the smallest crumb of kindness from her won't change your mind and let her back into your life? It seems to me that crumbs are all she has to offer--if that. You are worthy of much, much better treatment. I hope, in time, you will believe that, too.
Originally Posted by jjwinters
As long as she treats me like this, she's not welcome back in my home and I have no intention of seeing her.
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You are 100% right Aries about her neglecting me when her needs are being met elsewhere. It's just alarming how little it takes for that to happen. It's incredibly painful because you realize they don't actually care or love you at all. When she's away, she will only reach out to me when drunk and no one else is awake. That's how desperate her need for attention is. If there is literally someone else conscious around, I don't exist. And not only that, she resents or even hates me when she's getting attention from someone else.
Honestly, she does not have a sweet side to lure me back in. Crumbs, are a perfect way to put it. It's any moment she is even conversing like a civil human being. I know she has done enough harm at this point that there's no going back. When I say, "as long as she treats me like this," I say that because she will always treat me like this or worse. The family is a perfect window into a future with her. Nonstop drama, chaos, arguing, stress, lies, abuse... alcohol. I cannot describe the relief I felt when I got back to my home after that horrific trip. My greatest fear at this point is how long it's going to take to recover. I don't want to be like this for years.
I've been journaling once a day and that has helped quite a bit for anyone struggling with a similar situation. It has helped me snap back into reality at least and out of the spell I've been under. It's like I knew what the truth is but I didn't believe it at the same time. I'm far from feeling relief but I'm seeing things with more clarity.
Aries, it's been tough getting back into those hobbies but I've been trying. I'm almost annoyed with myself for not enjoying this time to be able to do whatever I want. I just don't enjoy anything right now.
Honestly, she does not have a sweet side to lure me back in. Crumbs, are a perfect way to put it. It's any moment she is even conversing like a civil human being. I know she has done enough harm at this point that there's no going back. When I say, "as long as she treats me like this," I say that because she will always treat me like this or worse. The family is a perfect window into a future with her. Nonstop drama, chaos, arguing, stress, lies, abuse... alcohol. I cannot describe the relief I felt when I got back to my home after that horrific trip. My greatest fear at this point is how long it's going to take to recover. I don't want to be like this for years.
I've been journaling once a day and that has helped quite a bit for anyone struggling with a similar situation. It has helped me snap back into reality at least and out of the spell I've been under. It's like I knew what the truth is but I didn't believe it at the same time. I'm far from feeling relief but I'm seeing things with more clarity.
Aries, it's been tough getting back into those hobbies but I've been trying. I'm almost annoyed with myself for not enjoying this time to be able to do whatever I want. I just don't enjoy anything right now.
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Heya JJ, it is pretty common at the point you are in this process to not be able to see a light at the end of the tunnel. It is why many never leave their qualifiers; it is just too painful.
I can't remember if you have been able to see a doctor through all of this. If you do you might tell him/her what you are going through. They might be able to help. The level of pain you are in right now I expect is pretty horrific so ANYTHING you can do to get through this time period, I encourage you to do.
Each day you get through without contacting her puts you a bit closer to the other side of this awful time. Keep going . . . bit by bit.
I can't remember if you have been able to see a doctor through all of this. If you do you might tell him/her what you are going through. They might be able to help. The level of pain you are in right now I expect is pretty horrific so ANYTHING you can do to get through this time period, I encourage you to do.
Each day you get through without contacting her puts you a bit closer to the other side of this awful time. Keep going . . . bit by bit.
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For the time being, I'm going to be making it a point to check in once a day. So apologies in advance if this thread keeps popping up! I've found myself in this position before where I feel like I'm turning a corner and get sucked right back in. This is the hardest part. And especially in a weird time like this when I can't have a group of friends over or have a distracting night out. In all fairness, I usually leave those nights with an even worse low when faced again with reality. The distraction is still nice though.
I do have prescriptions for anxiety but it's not enough. I would probably have to take 1 mg of Xanax twice a day to get some relief and no doctor will prescribe me that. I can take maybe .5mg every other day. Doctors just look at me (a musician in his 30s) and assume I'm going to abuse it even though I have no history of abuse whatsoever. It might be worth reaching out to my primary care doctor for help though.
I am talking to my therapist 2x a week now, which I feel very grateful I can do. I wish I weren't still struggling so much physically though. I feel like I have the energy of a junk drawer battery.
I do have prescriptions for anxiety but it's not enough. I would probably have to take 1 mg of Xanax twice a day to get some relief and no doctor will prescribe me that. I can take maybe .5mg every other day. Doctors just look at me (a musician in his 30s) and assume I'm going to abuse it even though I have no history of abuse whatsoever. It might be worth reaching out to my primary care doctor for help though.
I am talking to my therapist 2x a week now, which I feel very grateful I can do. I wish I weren't still struggling so much physically though. I feel like I have the energy of a junk drawer battery.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters 
For the time being, I'm going to be making it a point to check in once a day. So apologies in advance if this thread keeps popping up!
You mentioned you were having a hard time eating. I hope you are overcoming that, even somewhat, because that will go a long way toward giving you more energy (says the person that just ate sausage on a bun and now feels like falling asleep lol).
I'm guessing I would be feeling better if I had thrown a few vegetables on my plate!
Yes, it's easy to slip in to it again, as abusive as she is (and omg she is!) I totally get it. There have to be snippets of happiness in there and you do like that, that 95% of the time that's not there seems irrelevant when you only focus on the 5%.
That's the smaller picture. The bigger picture is there is a whole wide world of nice people out there, people who would think you are marvelous! Who will treat you nicely - that's something to focus on as well. You don't have to "make do" with a few crumbs.
Another thing to reflect on, perhaps, is even though you are probably still pretty upset, if you look around - hey, peace and quiet, no one demanding, no one putting you down or dismissing you or yelling at you, how wonderful is that?
Anyway, just a few thoughts, hope you are feeling better each day.
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jj-----It is not uncommon for a person o get to a "turning Point" and then get sucked back in. At first the hurt and anger can be a motivator---but, after a while, the reality that it is over begins to sink in----starts to feel more Real. Then, the anger can be replaced by fear of being alone, lonliness and very selective recall of all of the good times---and minimizing the bad times. It is a vulnerable time.
During these vulnerable times, it is a common suggestion, on this forum, to make a list, on paper, of several of the worst times in the relationship---and, how it made you feel, at the time.
Carry the list with you, at all times----and, when you feel yourself weaken----read the list, over and over and remember how really bad it was.
During these vulnerable times, it is a common suggestion, on this forum, to make a list, on paper, of several of the worst times in the relationship---and, how it made you feel, at the time.
Carry the list with you, at all times----and, when you feel yourself weaken----read the list, over and over and remember how really bad it was.
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JJ, check in all you want . . . hell leave Soberrecovery open on your computer all the time and post every 15 minutes if it helps; this rooster poop is real (trying to make the common expression family friendly here). Dee, the moderator on the alcoholics forum, says he just stayed on Sober Recovery ALL the time until he got over the hump to quit drinking. If that is what you need to do to stay away from her, do it. When I went through this, I left the hemisphere of the planet where my qualifier lived; I was really bad.
As far as talking to a doctor, I wasn't thinking Xanax. I don't know anything about that. I'm thinking that you may well be in a type of acute depression. This wouldn't be uncommon. Talk to a Doc about it although it is pretty tricky to find something helpful so you might be better just gutting it through . . . ugh . . .with your illness, you really are in a rough spot.
Lean on us all you can .
As far as talking to a doctor, I wasn't thinking Xanax. I don't know anything about that. I'm thinking that you may well be in a type of acute depression. This wouldn't be uncommon. Talk to a Doc about it although it is pretty tricky to find something helpful so you might be better just gutting it through . . . ugh . . .with your illness, you really are in a rough spot.
Lean on us all you can .
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Dandylion, you pretty much hit the nail on the head right there. I couldn't describe where I'm at right now any better than that. I'm certainly feeling a great deal of fear and loneliness at the moment.
I didn't want to get into my whole medical history but I'm basically not eligible for antidepressants. I've tried more than I can count and was either highly allergic or had severe side effects. The only thing I've been able to tolerate are benzos. Normally, I only use them for panic attacks or severe insomnia. Problem is now, I'm waking up every day with panic attacks and can have several throughout the day.
Trailmix, I've been doing much better with eating. I can actually get it down now but preparing meals and doing groceries is hard. I can't afford to order food regularly. I haven't brought this up because it's just another problem but I'm completely out of work due to the virus. And I don't see the work coming back until it's gone. A lot of us are in the same boat there, I'm sure. But it does feel like an avalanche of bad news.
I'm also trying to remind myself like you said, of the negativity I'm not having to deal with at the moment. I'm going to go ahead and write that list of the worst moments in the relationship. The one week when she went out of town and was gone every evening from like 8 pm to 6 am comes to mind. She never admitted to cheating but I've never heard of any adults who weren't hooking up with each other hanging out at those hours. Maybe one night, but not five in a row. Just like this experience, she refused to talk on the phone and when she did, she was hungover and vicious. And yet, here I am...
I get told a lot that I'm still young but let me tell you, it's been a rough go for a long time. If you've never seen the light in the tunnel, would you believe it's there?
I didn't want to get into my whole medical history but I'm basically not eligible for antidepressants. I've tried more than I can count and was either highly allergic or had severe side effects. The only thing I've been able to tolerate are benzos. Normally, I only use them for panic attacks or severe insomnia. Problem is now, I'm waking up every day with panic attacks and can have several throughout the day.
Trailmix, I've been doing much better with eating. I can actually get it down now but preparing meals and doing groceries is hard. I can't afford to order food regularly. I haven't brought this up because it's just another problem but I'm completely out of work due to the virus. And I don't see the work coming back until it's gone. A lot of us are in the same boat there, I'm sure. But it does feel like an avalanche of bad news.
I'm also trying to remind myself like you said, of the negativity I'm not having to deal with at the moment. I'm going to go ahead and write that list of the worst moments in the relationship. The one week when she went out of town and was gone every evening from like 8 pm to 6 am comes to mind. She never admitted to cheating but I've never heard of any adults who weren't hooking up with each other hanging out at those hours. Maybe one night, but not five in a row. Just like this experience, she refused to talk on the phone and when she did, she was hungover and vicious. And yet, here I am...
I get told a lot that I'm still young but let me tell you, it's been a rough go for a long time. If you've never seen the light in the tunnel, would you believe it's there?
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
I get told a lot that I'm still young but let me tell you, it's been a rough go for a long time. If you've never seen the light in the tunnel, would you believe it's there?
You were with her for about two and half years. The entire time she has treated you poorly. You know, you were in your mid 30s when you started posting here, sometimes it takes a while to know what you really want. That doesn't mean you have "failed" at relationships or failed at finding happiness, just that you haven't yet achieved as much of it as you want (yet!).
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