Traumatic experience with A GF breakup and Covid 19
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Traumatic experience with A GF breakup and Covid 19
First, I just would like to hope everyone here and their loved ones are safe and healthy (all things considered.)
This is a fairly elaborate story so I will do my best to make everything as clear as possible. Toward the beginning of this year, I got back together with my A GF. I have a profound love for this person that really isn't comparable to anyone else I've been with. We are both in our mid 30s have have been seeing each other for about 2 years. Things were mostly going well until shortly before this pandemic hit.
Her brother came to visit and is probably one of the worst human beings I have encountered in my life. Actually, he is the worst. He's in his 40's so by no means a child. He enables the absolute worst qualities in my girlfriend/ex. (In the past, he has literally tried to set her up with other guys while we were in a relationship.) Any simple errand would turn into stopping by some bar or restaurant for hours and getting hammered. They would inevitably argue and yell at each other and every night was a trainwreck. I've hosted this guy and his husband in my home, made him dinners, ran errands for him, you name it... I can't think of a single time he has ever performed any act of generosity towards me or frankly anyone. Everyone has to do his bidding and he goes into a rage if he doesn't get what he wants. He's extremely insecure, greedy, gluttonous, volatile...
Then, the pandemic hits. My girlfriend is staying at my place and I try to prepare us as best as I can with food, supplies etc. Meanwhile, her brother and husband are running around all over the city, going to stores, getting drunk at the bars that were still open... They come to my home and literally raid my kitchen drinking whatever bottles of wine we were saving, opening up all the snacks and food. He was clearly posturing and taking my level of preparation personally as if it were a judgment on him. The following night, they were drunk again at another bar and wanted to bring some strangers over my place. At that point, I had to tell my girlfriend they were not welcome and were being extremely reckless with the virus going around. She actually agreed.
Her brother and her husband were going to visit her parents after leaving town. I was horrified that they were going to transmit this virus to her parents. The father was not in great condition and the mother has recently struggled with chronic pneumonia. But these two idiots wanted to live life like they were on spring break in Ibiza.
Several weeks later, my girlfriend gets the worst call you can get. Her dad dropped dead in the backyard. Preceding this, he had been struggling with a fever and was unusually exhausted and couldn't get out of bed. I take care of everything we need to and fly out to her family's home the same night. I have asthma and am admittedly concerned about catching this myself. But I set that aside so I can help her and her family. I run all their errands for them, take care of deliveries, I reviewed and edited her father's obituary, helped them make important changes to legal documents, made repairs around the house... I did everything humanly possible to help.
The autopsy comes back and he had an aortic aneurysm and tested positive for covid 19. I was livid. Because I had no doubt in my mind that her brother got him infected. These people live in the middle of no where and there were virtually no documented cases in that town. I did not express that in any way because I would never do something like that. They lashed out and her brother started verbally assaulting me. My girlfriend even hit me at one point because she was angry at her brother. I just became this punching bag for the family. Mind you, their immediate family was too afraid to come help. I was the only one that showed up right away.
They had us all take a covid test since the father tested positive. The brother actually said that the only way he would be positive is if I brought the virus with me on the plane. I mean?! I quarantined myself in a bedroom until I got the results back, which seemed like a measure I had to take. For one, I was terrified of catching this. And I had already been at their home for almost 3 weeks and had to get back to my place. I had taxes due, someone watching our dogs, and my car was racking up a huge parking bill at the airport. They clearly took offense to this. To have a couple serious underlying conditions and be stuck in a home knowing you are pretty much surrounded by this virus was f@#$ing terrifying.
I get a negative test result back so I book a flight and head back home. No one was remotely nice to me or thanked me in any way. They couldn't care less that I came or helped with anything. They just complained about the other people who didn't come.
I was on a packed flight so I was extremely nervous getting back home. I planned on staying home for at least 2 weeks just in case I caught anything. After a couple of days, I catch a light fever and chills. That started to go away but I developed what felt like a huge obstruction in my chest. I could not breath normally and started having trouble even speaking. I tried to bother my girlfriend as little as possible with this stuff. She's my partner so at a certain point where I really become concerned that I may need to be hospitalized, she refused to talk to me. In fact, she got angry at me for calling and told me she had to return a casserole dish to one of the neighbors. Apparently, it was so nice of them to make a dish. I was not trying to steal focus in any way from what she was going through. 99% of what I talked to her about was support and trying to help her grieve. She flies to my place to pick up her dog and immediately flies back to her parent's home. She wasn't even willing to stay a night so I could stop by a hospital while she watched the dogs. I couldn't go to a hospital because my dog would have been abandoned. No one could come in my home if I had the virus.
A couple of days later, I had a near death experience. I was just sitting on my couch doing as little as possible and I felt a huge blood rush to my head. I don't know how to describe it but everything in my body felt like it was about to stop working. It was very much a "this is it" feeling. I thought I had one phone call to make so it was either to 911 or family. I didn't want to die in a hospital so I called my sister so she could get my dog if I didn't make it. My brother is a vascular surgeon treating ICU patients in NY so they had me lie down and try a few things that I believe 100% saved my life.
I let my girlfriend know what happened the next day and she only responded with a text. She thought it was selfish of me to mention any of this stuff to her. And she didn't believe that I had caught the virus. I'm a very trim guy around 148 lbs and I lost 20 lbs in less than two weeks. I couldn't feel my hands or feet properly and was constantly light headed and extremely dizzy. I couldn't verbalize a sentence. All of these symptoms are nothing like anything I've ever experienced. After about 2 weeks at home of this, my doctor gets me a test and I tested negative. Which is not abnormal after 2 weeks. Especially for a swab test that has very low sensitivity when the virus isn't at its peak. I stayed home for an additional 2 weeks before going out anywhere to do groceries or anything.
Throughout this time, my girlfriend would never speak to me on the phone. She would maybe text something once in a while. And when she did call, it was only at night when the rest of her family was asleep. She would not ever speak to me in front of them. I think we only spoke on the phone 3-4 times in a month. I expressed my concern about that and that it was hurtful that she had no desire to speak to me when I knew she was speaking with other people. I had sent them flowers and nice cards in the mail. I was just trying to do nice gestures that made them feel better without having to respond to me in any way.
This pattern dragged on until she called one night quite drunk complaining about anything you can imagine for an hour or two. Then, she drops the bomb on me and says she can't be my girlfriend. And that it's a huge pain to have to check in with me and deal with that responsibility. Again, we spoke maybe 3 times that month. So obviously, that was a load of bull. Every time she's around this family, they drive a huge wedge between us and she gets enveloped in negativity and I become this sort of outsider that doesn't fit in. She calls me again the next evening and talks for like 3 hours. A coupe of nights later, she calls me 3 times at 3 in the morning when I was asleep. It's just a mind f#$k.
I am in absolutely horrible shape following all of this. I can barely function. I sleep for maybe a couple of hours and then wake up with extreme grief and anxiety. I can't stomach food. And I'm just devastated the person I love and would do anything for could dismiss me in such a cruel way. She wouldn't even let me speak or react after not wanting to be with me any more. And prior to this happening, we were regularly planning our future and talking about marriage and all that stuff.
I just don't know what to do and am not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel...
This is a fairly elaborate story so I will do my best to make everything as clear as possible. Toward the beginning of this year, I got back together with my A GF. I have a profound love for this person that really isn't comparable to anyone else I've been with. We are both in our mid 30s have have been seeing each other for about 2 years. Things were mostly going well until shortly before this pandemic hit.
Her brother came to visit and is probably one of the worst human beings I have encountered in my life. Actually, he is the worst. He's in his 40's so by no means a child. He enables the absolute worst qualities in my girlfriend/ex. (In the past, he has literally tried to set her up with other guys while we were in a relationship.) Any simple errand would turn into stopping by some bar or restaurant for hours and getting hammered. They would inevitably argue and yell at each other and every night was a trainwreck. I've hosted this guy and his husband in my home, made him dinners, ran errands for him, you name it... I can't think of a single time he has ever performed any act of generosity towards me or frankly anyone. Everyone has to do his bidding and he goes into a rage if he doesn't get what he wants. He's extremely insecure, greedy, gluttonous, volatile...
Then, the pandemic hits. My girlfriend is staying at my place and I try to prepare us as best as I can with food, supplies etc. Meanwhile, her brother and husband are running around all over the city, going to stores, getting drunk at the bars that were still open... They come to my home and literally raid my kitchen drinking whatever bottles of wine we were saving, opening up all the snacks and food. He was clearly posturing and taking my level of preparation personally as if it were a judgment on him. The following night, they were drunk again at another bar and wanted to bring some strangers over my place. At that point, I had to tell my girlfriend they were not welcome and were being extremely reckless with the virus going around. She actually agreed.
Her brother and her husband were going to visit her parents after leaving town. I was horrified that they were going to transmit this virus to her parents. The father was not in great condition and the mother has recently struggled with chronic pneumonia. But these two idiots wanted to live life like they were on spring break in Ibiza.
Several weeks later, my girlfriend gets the worst call you can get. Her dad dropped dead in the backyard. Preceding this, he had been struggling with a fever and was unusually exhausted and couldn't get out of bed. I take care of everything we need to and fly out to her family's home the same night. I have asthma and am admittedly concerned about catching this myself. But I set that aside so I can help her and her family. I run all their errands for them, take care of deliveries, I reviewed and edited her father's obituary, helped them make important changes to legal documents, made repairs around the house... I did everything humanly possible to help.
The autopsy comes back and he had an aortic aneurysm and tested positive for covid 19. I was livid. Because I had no doubt in my mind that her brother got him infected. These people live in the middle of no where and there were virtually no documented cases in that town. I did not express that in any way because I would never do something like that. They lashed out and her brother started verbally assaulting me. My girlfriend even hit me at one point because she was angry at her brother. I just became this punching bag for the family. Mind you, their immediate family was too afraid to come help. I was the only one that showed up right away.
They had us all take a covid test since the father tested positive. The brother actually said that the only way he would be positive is if I brought the virus with me on the plane. I mean?! I quarantined myself in a bedroom until I got the results back, which seemed like a measure I had to take. For one, I was terrified of catching this. And I had already been at their home for almost 3 weeks and had to get back to my place. I had taxes due, someone watching our dogs, and my car was racking up a huge parking bill at the airport. They clearly took offense to this. To have a couple serious underlying conditions and be stuck in a home knowing you are pretty much surrounded by this virus was f@#$ing terrifying.
I get a negative test result back so I book a flight and head back home. No one was remotely nice to me or thanked me in any way. They couldn't care less that I came or helped with anything. They just complained about the other people who didn't come.
I was on a packed flight so I was extremely nervous getting back home. I planned on staying home for at least 2 weeks just in case I caught anything. After a couple of days, I catch a light fever and chills. That started to go away but I developed what felt like a huge obstruction in my chest. I could not breath normally and started having trouble even speaking. I tried to bother my girlfriend as little as possible with this stuff. She's my partner so at a certain point where I really become concerned that I may need to be hospitalized, she refused to talk to me. In fact, she got angry at me for calling and told me she had to return a casserole dish to one of the neighbors. Apparently, it was so nice of them to make a dish. I was not trying to steal focus in any way from what she was going through. 99% of what I talked to her about was support and trying to help her grieve. She flies to my place to pick up her dog and immediately flies back to her parent's home. She wasn't even willing to stay a night so I could stop by a hospital while she watched the dogs. I couldn't go to a hospital because my dog would have been abandoned. No one could come in my home if I had the virus.
A couple of days later, I had a near death experience. I was just sitting on my couch doing as little as possible and I felt a huge blood rush to my head. I don't know how to describe it but everything in my body felt like it was about to stop working. It was very much a "this is it" feeling. I thought I had one phone call to make so it was either to 911 or family. I didn't want to die in a hospital so I called my sister so she could get my dog if I didn't make it. My brother is a vascular surgeon treating ICU patients in NY so they had me lie down and try a few things that I believe 100% saved my life.
I let my girlfriend know what happened the next day and she only responded with a text. She thought it was selfish of me to mention any of this stuff to her. And she didn't believe that I had caught the virus. I'm a very trim guy around 148 lbs and I lost 20 lbs in less than two weeks. I couldn't feel my hands or feet properly and was constantly light headed and extremely dizzy. I couldn't verbalize a sentence. All of these symptoms are nothing like anything I've ever experienced. After about 2 weeks at home of this, my doctor gets me a test and I tested negative. Which is not abnormal after 2 weeks. Especially for a swab test that has very low sensitivity when the virus isn't at its peak. I stayed home for an additional 2 weeks before going out anywhere to do groceries or anything.
Throughout this time, my girlfriend would never speak to me on the phone. She would maybe text something once in a while. And when she did call, it was only at night when the rest of her family was asleep. She would not ever speak to me in front of them. I think we only spoke on the phone 3-4 times in a month. I expressed my concern about that and that it was hurtful that she had no desire to speak to me when I knew she was speaking with other people. I had sent them flowers and nice cards in the mail. I was just trying to do nice gestures that made them feel better without having to respond to me in any way.
This pattern dragged on until she called one night quite drunk complaining about anything you can imagine for an hour or two. Then, she drops the bomb on me and says she can't be my girlfriend. And that it's a huge pain to have to check in with me and deal with that responsibility. Again, we spoke maybe 3 times that month. So obviously, that was a load of bull. Every time she's around this family, they drive a huge wedge between us and she gets enveloped in negativity and I become this sort of outsider that doesn't fit in. She calls me again the next evening and talks for like 3 hours. A coupe of nights later, she calls me 3 times at 3 in the morning when I was asleep. It's just a mind f#$k.
I am in absolutely horrible shape following all of this. I can barely function. I sleep for maybe a couple of hours and then wake up with extreme grief and anxiety. I can't stomach food. And I'm just devastated the person I love and would do anything for could dismiss me in such a cruel way. She wouldn't even let me speak or react after not wanting to be with me any more. And prior to this happening, we were regularly planning our future and talking about marriage and all that stuff.
I just don't know what to do and am not seeing a light at the end of this tunnel...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
Originally Posted by Ariesagain 
Here is a link to all your threads. They go back two years. Please reread them, all of them. What do you see?
Threads
Threads
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
Originally Posted by California123
F him, and F her. Be done with those morons. Shouldn't even be a debate.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Yeah... I have certainly said plenty. And that plenty is a small fraction of what I've experienced. I don't know what to say. It's like an involuntary reaction I feel I have no control over. I hate myself for loving this person. I feel betrayed and want to react and say something to her but I know that's a lost cause. I wish I could wake up one morning and not give a damn.
She is a bad person. I know that. Yet, I still wait for that phone call. When I know what I should do is drop all of her stuff off at her place without any warning and block her from all communication. I don't have it in me to do it yet but I'm really trying.
She is a bad person. I know that. Yet, I still wait for that phone call. When I know what I should do is drop all of her stuff off at her place without any warning and block her from all communication. I don't have it in me to do it yet but I'm really trying.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 446
It does not have to be this way. You sound like a nice guy - get out of this trap asap. Read a book on codependency and get a therapist. Take action as a matter of urgency, as if your life depended on it. This is no way to live - SR offers great support, post here often, watch codi videos on YouTube, do whatever you can to get your mind of that woman. It is first and foremost about you, you need to learn how to love and respect yourself.
You will take a long time to heal, but you can take the first step today!
You will take a long time to heal, but you can take the first step today!
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
Asking you to read your old threads wasn’t meant to call you out in any way, I hope you understand that?
It’s just that sometimes we get so caught up in the immediate nightmare that it’s hard to see the bigger picture: this woman is abusive, exploitative, selfish to an extreme, and deeply enmeshed in a frighteningly dysfunctional family.
Every day that you waste wishing things were different is a day you could have spent healing and moving on to finding someone who would truly love and value you.
Be well.
It’s just that sometimes we get so caught up in the immediate nightmare that it’s hard to see the bigger picture: this woman is abusive, exploitative, selfish to an extreme, and deeply enmeshed in a frighteningly dysfunctional family.
Every day that you waste wishing things were different is a day you could have spent healing and moving on to finding someone who would truly love and value you.
Be well.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I didn't take that as being called out at all. It's just shocking looking back at that stuff. I've actively forgotten how many severe situations this person has put me through. Each one should have ended the relationship.
As a start, I blocked her and her brother from all social media. At least for me, not having to see her log in constantly while blatantly ignoring me is helpful. I have started therapy back up again but I know there's a very difficult road ahead. This person severely damaged me. And I know I have to fix whatever is susceptible to tolerating that kind of abuse. If I can muster the energy, I'm going to gather her things tomorrow and drop them off at her place. I've given myself a Friday deadline to block her phone # as well.
As a start, I blocked her and her brother from all social media. At least for me, not having to see her log in constantly while blatantly ignoring me is helpful. I have started therapy back up again but I know there's a very difficult road ahead. This person severely damaged me. And I know I have to fix whatever is susceptible to tolerating that kind of abuse. If I can muster the energy, I'm going to gather her things tomorrow and drop them off at her place. I've given myself a Friday deadline to block her phone # as well.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2020
Posts: 18
Hiya. I just joined this website yesterday so I don't have too much experience and for some reason I couldn't view your old threads so I do not know your history.
But when I joined and got several wonderful replies to my own lament overnight, that was almost as helpful to me as the actual content of their replies. So I just wanted to reach out and let you know that we hear you and we feel for you and support you! This Covid crisis has been SO stressful for everyone, I literally do not know one family that has not been tested to its extreme limits. Faced with the death of her father and the surrounding dysfunction, this woman is undoubtedly "going crazy." And while it is very necessary to consider the circumstances, and very easy to feel sympathetic for her or try to understand her... it is appalling to me that she could treat you that way NO MATTER WHAT is going on in her own life. That is just not a quality that a good life partner has. My own boyfriend is alcoholic and has made his fair share of inconsiderate mistakes in the global chaos, but I KNOW that if I were deathly ill he could never treat me that way because he has fundamental principals that wouldn't allow him to. If she acts this way now, how can you trust her to care about your emotions or well-being when something else serious happens? I am quick to forgive and always hopeful that people can change, but this seems totally unacceptable to me. Don't feel guilty or inadequate, it was not the alcohol that caused her to be crazy, because she clearly has no remorse for her actions after several weeks. If there was one ounce of remorse or desire to fix your relationship, I would be the first to encourage you to help and support her. She just may not deserve that.
But when I joined and got several wonderful replies to my own lament overnight, that was almost as helpful to me as the actual content of their replies. So I just wanted to reach out and let you know that we hear you and we feel for you and support you! This Covid crisis has been SO stressful for everyone, I literally do not know one family that has not been tested to its extreme limits. Faced with the death of her father and the surrounding dysfunction, this woman is undoubtedly "going crazy." And while it is very necessary to consider the circumstances, and very easy to feel sympathetic for her or try to understand her... it is appalling to me that she could treat you that way NO MATTER WHAT is going on in her own life. That is just not a quality that a good life partner has. My own boyfriend is alcoholic and has made his fair share of inconsiderate mistakes in the global chaos, but I KNOW that if I were deathly ill he could never treat me that way because he has fundamental principals that wouldn't allow him to. If she acts this way now, how can you trust her to care about your emotions or well-being when something else serious happens? I am quick to forgive and always hopeful that people can change, but this seems totally unacceptable to me. Don't feel guilty or inadequate, it was not the alcohol that caused her to be crazy, because she clearly has no remorse for her actions after several weeks. If there was one ounce of remorse or desire to fix your relationship, I would be the first to encourage you to help and support her. She just may not deserve that.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Originally Posted by gonefishin9
Hiya. I just joined this website yesterday so I don't have too much experience and for some reason I couldn't view your old threads so I do not know your history.
But when I joined and got several wonderful replies to my own lament overnight, that was almost as helpful to me as the actual content of their replies. So I just wanted to reach out and let you know that we hear you and we feel for you and support you! This Covid crisis has been SO stressful for everyone, I literally do not know one family that has not been tested to its extreme limits. Faced with the death of her father and the surrounding dysfunction, this woman is undoubtedly "going crazy." And while it is very necessary to consider the circumstances, and very easy to feel sympathetic for her or try to understand her... it is appalling to me that she could treat you that way NO MATTER WHAT is going on in her own life. That is just not a quality that a good life partner has. My own boyfriend is alcoholic and has made his fair share of inconsiderate mistakes in the global chaos, but I KNOW that if I were deathly ill he could never treat me that way because he has fundamental principals that wouldn't allow him to. If she acts this way now, how can you trust her to care about your emotions or well-being when something else serious happens? I am quick to forgive and always hopeful that people can change, but this seems totally unacceptable to me. Don't feel guilty or inadequate, it was not the alcohol that caused her to be crazy, because she clearly has no remorse for her actions after several weeks. If there was one ounce of remorse or desire to fix your relationship, I would be the first to encourage you to help and support her. She just may not deserve that.
But when I joined and got several wonderful replies to my own lament overnight, that was almost as helpful to me as the actual content of their replies. So I just wanted to reach out and let you know that we hear you and we feel for you and support you! This Covid crisis has been SO stressful for everyone, I literally do not know one family that has not been tested to its extreme limits. Faced with the death of her father and the surrounding dysfunction, this woman is undoubtedly "going crazy." And while it is very necessary to consider the circumstances, and very easy to feel sympathetic for her or try to understand her... it is appalling to me that she could treat you that way NO MATTER WHAT is going on in her own life. That is just not a quality that a good life partner has. My own boyfriend is alcoholic and has made his fair share of inconsiderate mistakes in the global chaos, but I KNOW that if I were deathly ill he could never treat me that way because he has fundamental principals that wouldn't allow him to. If she acts this way now, how can you trust her to care about your emotions or well-being when something else serious happens? I am quick to forgive and always hopeful that people can change, but this seems totally unacceptable to me. Don't feel guilty or inadequate, it was not the alcohol that caused her to be crazy, because she clearly has no remorse for her actions after several weeks. If there was one ounce of remorse or desire to fix your relationship, I would be the first to encourage you to help and support her. She just may not deserve that.
It's unimaginable trying to manage a pandemic on top of the loss of a family member. That's what I struggle with a lot in this particular situation. She is definitely out of her mind right now. However, I agree that she is behaving in a way that's not excusable regardless. I can't imagine a scenario where I wouldn't care if my partner was needing hospitalization. It's really about having certain principles, like you said. She really has none if it's of any inconvenience to herself. She feels no sympathy whatsoever for what she's been putting me through. She would rather get rid of me than take a look in the mirror.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Santa Rosa CA
Posts: 240
Originally Posted by jjwinters
Yeah... I have certainly said plenty. And that plenty is a small fraction of what I've experienced. I don't know what to say. It's like an involuntary reaction I feel I have no control over. I hate myself for loving this person. I feel betrayed and want to react and say something to her but I know that's a lost cause. I wish I could wake up one morning and not give a damn.
She is a bad person. I know that. Yet, I still wait for that phone call. When I know what I should do is drop all of her stuff off at her place without any warning and block her from all communication. I don't have it in me to do it yet but I'm really trying.
She is a bad person. I know that. Yet, I still wait for that phone call. When I know what I should do is drop all of her stuff off at her place without any warning and block her from all communication. I don't have it in me to do it yet but I'm really trying.
The abuse? The lies, the way she obviously doesn't give a damn?
What GOOD is there is all this besides a few tiny, tiny crumbs
You deserve FAR better
Kick her and her trashy family to the curb and stop letting them live in your head rent free!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
jj, I think you knowing in your head that she is a bad person and bad for you and yet still hoping in your heart that she will call doesn't actually have anything to do with her, and everything to do with you.
Removing her from your life is a good first step, but the work necessary to move past this and become a person who does not accept such atrocious treatment is a whole other ball game, and probably the most worthwhile ball game you can undergo in your life.
Removing her from your life is a good first step, but the work necessary to move past this and become a person who does not accept such atrocious treatment is a whole other ball game, and probably the most worthwhile ball game you can undergo in your life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
I would say I'm very attracted to her intellectually and physically, to be perfectly honest. When things aren't bad, I can talk to her all night, we make each other laugh, have very similar views... And yes, we're both extremely physically attracted to each other. I've talked about her extensively with prior therapists and it seems very possible she has some kind of borderline personality disorder. I think her brother does as well.
As far as my tolerance for abuse is concerned, my childhood was pretty rough. My new therapist pointed out that I have an unusually high threshold for emotional abuse given my history. My mom passed away when I was 14 in a plane crash and my father was emotionally abusive and neglectful. I can honestly say I never received positive reinforcement at any point as a kid growing up. And after my mom passed away, my dad was extremely aggressive and confrontational. He abandoned me numerous times dating women from other countries and I kind of had to fend for myself as a teenager. My mom was really the only supportive figure in my life and was truly a saint of a human being. I could feel her support of my interests growing up but I still never received any kind of verbal positive feedback from anyone. As an adult now with nephews, nieces, and friends with children... I cannot comprehend how someone can treat a child like that. I was obsessed with music and was shamed for it. Was told "I sucked" at playing guitar when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I pretty much wish I was never created in the first place because all of this crap is nearly impossible to fix mentally.
As far as my tolerance for abuse is concerned, my childhood was pretty rough. My new therapist pointed out that I have an unusually high threshold for emotional abuse given my history. My mom passed away when I was 14 in a plane crash and my father was emotionally abusive and neglectful. I can honestly say I never received positive reinforcement at any point as a kid growing up. And after my mom passed away, my dad was extremely aggressive and confrontational. He abandoned me numerous times dating women from other countries and I kind of had to fend for myself as a teenager. My mom was really the only supportive figure in my life and was truly a saint of a human being. I could feel her support of my interests growing up but I still never received any kind of verbal positive feedback from anyone. As an adult now with nephews, nieces, and friends with children... I cannot comprehend how someone can treat a child like that. I was obsessed with music and was shamed for it. Was told "I sucked" at playing guitar when I was maybe 7 or 8 years old. I pretty much wish I was never created in the first place because all of this crap is nearly impossible to fix mentally.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
My friend, it may *feel* impossible to recover from a childhood such as yours, but it is not. It is not easy by any means, but it *can* be done.
One part of it is recognizing when you are involved with someone who treats you in a way that reinforces the negative lessons you learned as a child, and making a conscious choice to reject such treatment. Even if it only happens 'sometimes'. When someone loves and respects you, it *never* happens.
It can feel like it goes against every fiber of your being to do such a thing, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. And the easier it gets to recognize that someone else's poor treatment of is entirely about *them* and their issues and not at all about you.
One part of it is recognizing when you are involved with someone who treats you in a way that reinforces the negative lessons you learned as a child, and making a conscious choice to reject such treatment. Even if it only happens 'sometimes'. When someone loves and respects you, it *never* happens.
It can feel like it goes against every fiber of your being to do such a thing, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. And the easier it gets to recognize that someone else's poor treatment of is entirely about *them* and their issues and not at all about you.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,617
Originally Posted by jjwinters
all of this crap is nearly impossible to fix mentally.
So you have these defense/coping mechanisms and in some ways, in life, these are very handy. When they are not handy is when you find yourself in an abusive situation. I know this personally. Putting up with the abuse, having that huge abuse threshold is a detriment at that point, as you well know.
This can be managed and overcome. While you might always have that threshold, you can learn to make boundaries for yourself. Your therapist should be able to help you with this and also give you tools to work with. If nothing else you take a close look at the result of that threshold. Yes, you have put up with her for a long time, yes you can "take it" but there is a cost. Look at yourself, the result of being able to "take" that abuse costs you.
This is where boundaries come in. Not because you can't "take" all the abuse being dished out (and this is abuse) but because it is bad for you.
I am in absolutely horrible shape following all of this. I can barely function. I sleep for maybe a couple of hours and then wake up with extreme grief and anxiety. I can't stomach food. And I'm just devastated the person I love and would do anything for could dismiss me in such a cruel way.
have very similar views... And yes, we're both extremely physically attracted to each other
Honestly jj, you deserve to give yourself time to have the FOG lift - fear, obligation, guilt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Hey Aries,
Really thoughtful of you to check in. I think all of this has taken a pretty serious toll on me physically. My energy level has been really poor and I've had a hard time taking proper care of myself and eating well. Cooking a meal is nearly impossible. That deterioration has been snowballing from day to day. I was working pretty consistently from home before and I've had to stop completely.
There are some glimmers of hope though. I do realize our values are highly incompatible and the thought of having to manage that the rest of my life is scary. She is incapable of handling stress without lashing out and saying vile things. Not only about me, but anything in general. She has no ability to compromise or have a civil disagreement. And she tries to gaslight me when it comes to situations that are clearly inappropriate for a monogamous relationship. She has casting directors and agents DM'ing her on Instagram that are totally crossing a professional line. Casting directors who want to have a professional relationship aren't sending pictures of themselves over the holiday's or wanting to take her to parties and red carpet events as their date. I think she knows exactly what it is but wants to get to party and have her ego stroked. It's not the way anyone truly committed behaves. And god only knows what I don't know about. I'm sure I would have an aneurism if I were to read the messages on her phone.
Really thoughtful of you to check in. I think all of this has taken a pretty serious toll on me physically. My energy level has been really poor and I've had a hard time taking proper care of myself and eating well. Cooking a meal is nearly impossible. That deterioration has been snowballing from day to day. I was working pretty consistently from home before and I've had to stop completely.
There are some glimmers of hope though. I do realize our values are highly incompatible and the thought of having to manage that the rest of my life is scary. She is incapable of handling stress without lashing out and saying vile things. Not only about me, but anything in general. She has no ability to compromise or have a civil disagreement. And she tries to gaslight me when it comes to situations that are clearly inappropriate for a monogamous relationship. She has casting directors and agents DM'ing her on Instagram that are totally crossing a professional line. Casting directors who want to have a professional relationship aren't sending pictures of themselves over the holiday's or wanting to take her to parties and red carpet events as their date. I think she knows exactly what it is but wants to get to party and have her ego stroked. It's not the way anyone truly committed behaves. And god only knows what I don't know about. I'm sure I would have an aneurism if I were to read the messages on her phone.
Guest
Join Date: Jan 2016
Location: Northwest
Posts: 4,215
I’m so sorry that you’re still feeling so crappy...have you been able to eat and rest, I hope?
I wonder if your ex doesn’t have a personality disorder...histrionic in particular. It sounds like she’s in a profession that would only make that worse.
It doesn’t matter, really, the whys...the facts about what she has done and how poorly she has treated you haven’t changed. Every day that you stay away from that toxicity is another step toward getting stronger and ultimately, happier. But it’s not easy...I know.
Wishing you well and sending a large bowl of virtual chicken soup!
I wonder if your ex doesn’t have a personality disorder...histrionic in particular. It sounds like she’s in a profession that would only make that worse.
It doesn’t matter, really, the whys...the facts about what she has done and how poorly she has treated you haven’t changed. Every day that you stay away from that toxicity is another step toward getting stronger and ultimately, happier. But it’s not easy...I know.
Wishing you well and sending a large bowl of virtual chicken soup!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 108
Eating and sleeping has been tough. I maybe get one decent meal down a day and sleep for 3-4 hours.
I did look up that personality disorder and it certainly checks off a lot of boxes. She has to be constantly stimulated or will lose her temper. Any attention I give to something else, especially other people, causes huge problems. I'm talking casual conversation with friends. I don't really have any doubt she suffers from some kind of personality disorder. I think it's a combination of several and it's genetic from the mother's side. The mother 24/7 talks and complains around the clock. She literally does not stop talking and wouldn't let my ex speak with me on the phone even after she went to bed. Both her and her brother have no self control whatsoever. They can't control their impulses and demand everyone's attention at all times. She is also very easily impressionable by other people. Especially, successful people.
Whenever she comes back from a night out with other industry people, she feels the need to treat me like sh$t because someone of an allegedly higher status sung her praises. She just goes in circles repeating their compliments while simultaneously giving me tons of attitude. Mind you, I've done nothing but support and encourage her career. I think you all get the picture by now...
And thank you so much for the virtual soup
It's greatly appreciated.
I did look up that personality disorder and it certainly checks off a lot of boxes. She has to be constantly stimulated or will lose her temper. Any attention I give to something else, especially other people, causes huge problems. I'm talking casual conversation with friends. I don't really have any doubt she suffers from some kind of personality disorder. I think it's a combination of several and it's genetic from the mother's side. The mother 24/7 talks and complains around the clock. She literally does not stop talking and wouldn't let my ex speak with me on the phone even after she went to bed. Both her and her brother have no self control whatsoever. They can't control their impulses and demand everyone's attention at all times. She is also very easily impressionable by other people. Especially, successful people.
Whenever she comes back from a night out with other industry people, she feels the need to treat me like sh$t because someone of an allegedly higher status sung her praises. She just goes in circles repeating their compliments while simultaneously giving me tons of attitude. Mind you, I've done nothing but support and encourage her career. I think you all get the picture by now...
And thank you so much for the virtual soup
It's greatly appreciated.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
