Traumatic experience with A GF breakup and Covid 19
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I think the issues is, if she were at home already, she would have her things and be blocked already. The problem is she's away and still trying to control how we break up. She can also spin a pretty nasty narrative by telling people that I blocked her after her father passed away.
For once, I'm trying to be a couple of steps ahead of her and not step right into a trap. If I block her, I get attacked. If I argue and say a bunch of bad things about her, then she's validated. If I simply say nothing and let her know last minute that I've already returned all her stuff, then she's stuck with her tail between her legs. And she finally doesn't get to control something.
For once, I'm trying to be a couple of steps ahead of her and not step right into a trap. If I block her, I get attacked. If I argue and say a bunch of bad things about her, then she's validated. If I simply say nothing and let her know last minute that I've already returned all her stuff, then she's stuck with her tail between her legs. And she finally doesn't get to control something.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters 
I She can also spin a pretty nasty narrative by telling people that I blocked her after her father passed away.
.
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Anyone outside of the romantic relationship is going to be a lot slower to catch on to her problems; friendships just don't require the closeness that reveals personal flaws.
How are you doing with your own healing and growth? Not that I think you should be very far along on this; this time is just really survival and this can continue for some time.
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I guess it's not really much of a problem with friends. I think most of our friends, including hers, can tell there's something off and unstable about her. I think it's more that blocking her while she's going through this would give her some ammunition to behave the way she has. She's pushing me to react and I want to deprive her of anything like that possible. I want her to arrive home knowing she was a total piece of s$%t all on her own. Just faced with all her stuff, never seeing me or my dog again, being able to get one last punch in etc. I want her to be stuck faced with herself.
I wish I could say there's been improvement but I still feel in the thick of it. Feeling very dark and dysfunctional. I try to watch a movie every night to wind down a bit.
I wish I could say there's been improvement but I still feel in the thick of it. Feeling very dark and dysfunctional. I try to watch a movie every night to wind down a bit.
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jj-----even a tiny improvement is significant, at this stage. Grieving takes time----and, it takes it's OWN time. It is something that can't be totally intellectualized through----it is more like it has to be Experienced through.
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Originally Posted by dandylion
jj-----even a tiny improvement is significant, at this stage. Grieving takes time----and, it takes it's OWN time. It is something that can't be totally intellectualized through----it is more like it has to be Experienced through.
I so so wish it wasn't so but it is.
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So... last night was quite nuts. I get a call from her around 2 am her time. I refused to pick up and went back to sleep. Frankly, pretty sick of someone thinking I'm only worth calling in the middle of the night. She calls me twice more a couple of hours later and I'm asleep again at that point. Then she sends a text, "Ok. Goodbye." I wake up and am like, WTF is this?
So, I call back and ask what's going on. She says that she "doesn't think this is working" because I didn't pick up the phone. Seriously. I'm like... umm, you dumped me and told me not to contact you. To which she replied, "I know." And top of that, I was asleep. And then she replies, "I guess I expect you to be more understanding." And then I reply, "you want me to be more understanding when I'm asleep?" Then she went into the whole, "I'm not doing this right now" nonsense and trying to silence me. And then I point out that I actually did call her back, in spite of the fact she dumped me and prohibited me from contacting her, so what was her issue? She just got weird and sort of disingenuously apologized for waking me up and then got off the phone.
This person is absolutely mad and drunk with control. I think it's driven her nuts that I haven't been writing cards, or sending texts trying to salvage anything. I called her bluff and left her completely alone. And I'm not going to follow up with anything today saying how F'd up it was for her to do that last night. That's what she expects and it's the game she's been playing. I'm not playing it. I've never met someone so dehumanizing that they will attack you for sleeping, as if I'm supposed to wait up every night sitting by my phone. She hasn't taken a single phone call from me since I left and she doesn't see the hypocrisy in that. And she's never called me during the day.
So yeah, I think I'll be sticking with the "pulling the rug from underneath her" approach. But man... it is tempting to reach out and unload on her.
So, I call back and ask what's going on. She says that she "doesn't think this is working" because I didn't pick up the phone. Seriously. I'm like... umm, you dumped me and told me not to contact you. To which she replied, "I know." And top of that, I was asleep. And then she replies, "I guess I expect you to be more understanding." And then I reply, "you want me to be more understanding when I'm asleep?" Then she went into the whole, "I'm not doing this right now" nonsense and trying to silence me. And then I point out that I actually did call her back, in spite of the fact she dumped me and prohibited me from contacting her, so what was her issue? She just got weird and sort of disingenuously apologized for waking me up and then got off the phone.
This person is absolutely mad and drunk with control. I think it's driven her nuts that I haven't been writing cards, or sending texts trying to salvage anything. I called her bluff and left her completely alone. And I'm not going to follow up with anything today saying how F'd up it was for her to do that last night. That's what she expects and it's the game she's been playing. I'm not playing it. I've never met someone so dehumanizing that they will attack you for sleeping, as if I'm supposed to wait up every night sitting by my phone. She hasn't taken a single phone call from me since I left and she doesn't see the hypocrisy in that. And she's never called me during the day.
So yeah, I think I'll be sticking with the "pulling the rug from underneath her" approach. But man... it is tempting to reach out and unload on her.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
So... last night was quite nuts. I get a call from her around 2 am her time. I refused to pick up and went back to sleep. Frankly, pretty sick of someone thinking I'm only worth calling in the middle of the night. She calls me twice more a couple of hours later and I'm asleep again at that point. Then she sends a text, "Ok. Goodbye." I wake up and am like, WTF is this?
So, I call back and ask what's going on. She says that she "doesn't think this is working" because I didn't pick up the phone. Seriously. I'm like... umm, you dumped me and told me not to contact you. To which she replied, "I know." And top of that, I was asleep. And then she replies, "I guess I expect you to be more understanding." And then I reply, "you want me to be more understanding when I'm asleep?" Then she went into the whole, "I'm not doing this right now" nonsense and trying to silence me. And then I point out that I actually did call her back, in spite of the fact she dumped me and prohibited me from contacting her, so what was her issue? She just got weird and sort of disingenuously apologized for waking me up and then got off the phone.
This person is absolutely mad and drunk with control. I think it's driven her nuts that I haven't been writing cards, or sending texts trying to salvage anything. I called her bluff and left her completely alone. And I'm not going to follow up with anything today saying how F'd up it was for her to do that last night. That's what she expects and it's the game she's been playing. I'm not playing it. I've never met someone so dehumanizing that they will attack you for sleeping, as if I'm supposed to wait up every night sitting by my phone. She hasn't taken a single phone call from me since I left and she doesn't see the hypocrisy in that. And she's never called me during the day.
So yeah, I think I'll be sticking with the "pulling the rug from underneath her" approach. But man... it is tempting to reach out and unload on her.
So, I call back and ask what's going on. She says that she "doesn't think this is working" because I didn't pick up the phone. Seriously. I'm like... umm, you dumped me and told me not to contact you. To which she replied, "I know." And top of that, I was asleep. And then she replies, "I guess I expect you to be more understanding." And then I reply, "you want me to be more understanding when I'm asleep?" Then she went into the whole, "I'm not doing this right now" nonsense and trying to silence me. And then I point out that I actually did call her back, in spite of the fact she dumped me and prohibited me from contacting her, so what was her issue? She just got weird and sort of disingenuously apologized for waking me up and then got off the phone.
This person is absolutely mad and drunk with control. I think it's driven her nuts that I haven't been writing cards, or sending texts trying to salvage anything. I called her bluff and left her completely alone. And I'm not going to follow up with anything today saying how F'd up it was for her to do that last night. That's what she expects and it's the game she's been playing. I'm not playing it. I've never met someone so dehumanizing that they will attack you for sleeping, as if I'm supposed to wait up every night sitting by my phone. She hasn't taken a single phone call from me since I left and she doesn't see the hypocrisy in that. And she's never called me during the day.
So yeah, I think I'll be sticking with the "pulling the rug from underneath her" approach. But man... it is tempting to reach out and unload on her.
I am a bit concerned that you’re still seemingly still caught up in the game, even if you are planning to “pull the rug out from under her.”
I am pretty dumb about people but I am good with dogs. In dog training there’s a tenet called, “you get what you pet,” meaning for many, many dogs, any reinforcement, good or bad, is still reinforcement. I may be yelling at my retriever for humping the throw pillows, but all he knows is that humping that pillow got my attention. (Didn’t see that analogy coming, now did you...😆
Now back to, you know, humans...she called you multiple times. Good for you for going back to sleep (you’re recovering from Covid!) but calling her this morning is still responding. And reinforcing that she can still demand your attention, yes?
Maybe something to think about?
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This keeps niggling at me.
Ultimately, you have decide whether you want to be at PEACE, or whether you want to WIN. One of those outcomes involves walking away and accepting whatever consequences come from that, because you are choosing to put yourself and your emotional, physical, and mental well-being first. The other involves staying enmeshed, riding the merry-go-round, and continuing to search for a way to get through to someone who has no intention of changing.
In other words, one of those outcomes is possible, requires change and growth, and totally under your control. The other is simply unachievable. She will never let you win, because the two of you are not playing the same game.
Ultimately, you have decide whether you want to be at PEACE, or whether you want to WIN. One of those outcomes involves walking away and accepting whatever consequences come from that, because you are choosing to put yourself and your emotional, physical, and mental well-being first. The other involves staying enmeshed, riding the merry-go-round, and continuing to search for a way to get through to someone who has no intention of changing.
In other words, one of those outcomes is possible, requires change and growth, and totally under your control. The other is simply unachievable. She will never let you win, because the two of you are not playing the same game.
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I totally understand your responses. I had actually silenced her contact on my phone so I have no idea why it still rang. And the only reason I reached back out is because her father died and I'm not sure if she's reaching out as some kind of emergency. She has harmed herself before. With the amount she's drinking, the loss of her father, and the people she's surrounded with, I think there's a big risk there. That's why I only responded after multiple calls. The calls at 4 am her time are what concerned me. But... she was just in attack mode clearly. And I will not be letting that happen again. I've tried to be there for her and supportive but she has lost that privilege.
Again, had there not been a death in this scenario, this would be a lot easier for me to handle.
Again, had there not been a death in this scenario, this would be a lot easier for me to handle.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
I totally understand your responses. I had actually silenced her contact on my phone so I have no idea why it still rang. And the only reason I reached back out is because her father died and I'm not sure if she's reaching out as some kind of emergency. She has harmed herself before. With the amount she's drinking, the loss of her father, and the people she's surrounded with, I think there's a big risk there. That's why I only responded after multiple calls. The calls at 4 am her time are what concerned me. But... she was just in attack mode clearly. And I will not be letting that happen again. I've tried to be there for her and supportive but she has lost that privilege.
Again, had there not been a death in this scenario, this would be a lot easier for me to handle.
Again, had there not been a death in this scenario, this would be a lot easier for me to handle.
Relationships with alcoholics are not normal and to make it worse, those of us who get into relationships with these people are not normal. Normal people do not call at 4 am in the morning. Normal people do not call back after being texted, "Ok good bye" from a nut case. Codependents call back when a crazy alcoholic threatens to cut it off; it is what we do. We have control and boundary issues.
Most of us need to go no-contact and block all means of communication. We codependents are too easily pulled back in by the bovine feces that normal people recognize and don't respond to. I have probably mentioned, I was so bad in my relationship with my qualifier that I left the Northern Hemisphere. It was the one way I knew I wouldn't be pulled back in.
Keep hacking away at this. You absolutely can improve and heal. It does take time.
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I don't know what the silence settings are on your phone but on mine I do have it on dnd all the time, however you can also have an option that says - yes, put it on dnd but if a contact calls, let it ring or even dnd but if a person calls x number of times in a row, let it ring - anyway, just some thoughts.
You are making progress. Do I detect a little bit of anger even? I sure hope so because you deserve to be angry. Her treatment of you is appalling. She's not a nice person, she is rude, mean and selfish. Maybe think about what more she can do that would put you off her? What more is there? You know she only contacts you or pays attention to you when she's not getting the attention from others she needs. That's pretty narcissistic. It's not going to ever get better, she is not changing anytime soon, have you accepted that?
As far as being supportive, what support is she receiving by calling you in the middle of the night looking to blame you for not contacting her when she told you not to. When you call her on that she says she knows? It makes absolutely no sense because it is nonsensical, her "way" makes no sense and cannot.
She is who she is, don't expect any more than that?
You are making progress. Do I detect a little bit of anger even? I sure hope so because you deserve to be angry. Her treatment of you is appalling. She's not a nice person, she is rude, mean and selfish. Maybe think about what more she can do that would put you off her? What more is there? You know she only contacts you or pays attention to you when she's not getting the attention from others she needs. That's pretty narcissistic. It's not going to ever get better, she is not changing anytime soon, have you accepted that?
As far as being supportive, what support is she receiving by calling you in the middle of the night looking to blame you for not contacting her when she told you not to. When you call her on that she says she knows? It makes absolutely no sense because it is nonsensical, her "way" makes no sense and cannot.
She is who she is, don't expect any more than that?
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Originally Posted by trailmix
\Do I detect a little bit of anger even? I sure hope so because you deserve to be angry. Her treatment of you is appalling. She's not a nice person, she is rude, mean and selfish. \
Bekind, I am not at all surprised you had to do what you did to get away. And I'm glad you did. I've more than a number of times fantasized about packing up and just living a simple life in a quiet town. I think the point is, we have to do whatever it takes to be rid of them because they will destroy your life. There is no way to win but to get away.
Sadly, one my best friend's father just passed away from Covid after being in the ICU for over a month. She wrote family and friends emails updating them on his status every day and even sent me cookies in the mail after finding out I got dumped. It's like night and day comparing the two people who are both going through a traumatic situation. Even in her worst moments, my friend took the time to help me feel better.
I know I've said this a bunch of times, but thank you all for getting me through this. Every day is a challenge and being able to come back here has pushed me in the right direction. You're all wonderful, caring, intelligent, and wise people.
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Originally Posted by jjwinters
YES. I think my anger in recent days is the overwhelming emotion. While it's been very difficult, I think this week has been a breakthrough for me. I think my rational brain has started to finally take over. I know I've been dealing with a monster. I'm less jealous of her ending up with someone else because it is impossible for her to not be who she is. She's not riding off into the sunset with anyone. And I certainly don't want that life for myself either. I want a partner who is confident and be able to enjoy and respect each other's lives.
Bekind, I am not at all surprised you had to do what you did to get away. And I'm glad you did. I've more than a number of times fantasized about packing up and just living a simple life in a quiet town. I think the point is, we have to do whatever it takes to be rid of them because they will destroy your life. There is no way to win but to get away.
Sadly, one my best friend's father just passed away from Covid after being in the ICU for over a month. She wrote family and friends emails updating them on his status every day and even sent me cookies in the mail after finding out I got dumped. It's like night and day comparing the two people who are both going through a traumatic situation. Even in her worst moments, my friend took the time to help me feel better.
I know I've said this a bunch of times, but thank you all for getting me through this. Every day is a challenge and being able to come back here has pushed me in the right direction. You're all wonderful, caring, intelligent, and wise people.
Bekind, I am not at all surprised you had to do what you did to get away. And I'm glad you did. I've more than a number of times fantasized about packing up and just living a simple life in a quiet town. I think the point is, we have to do whatever it takes to be rid of them because they will destroy your life. There is no way to win but to get away.
Sadly, one my best friend's father just passed away from Covid after being in the ICU for over a month. She wrote family and friends emails updating them on his status every day and even sent me cookies in the mail after finding out I got dumped. It's like night and day comparing the two people who are both going through a traumatic situation. Even in her worst moments, my friend took the time to help me feel better.
I know I've said this a bunch of times, but thank you all for getting me through this. Every day is a challenge and being able to come back here has pushed me in the right direction. You're all wonderful, caring, intelligent, and wise people.
I am so sorry for your friend’s loss of her father...what a helpful contrast for you, though. This is what healthy, loving people do. Now you know what that looks like.
As for being “dumped”...
You weren’t dumped. You were liberated.
Keep up the good work and take care of yourself!
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I believe floating dumpster fires were mentioned earlier? Perhaps, when tempted to "reason" with her or teach her a lesson, this visual image will help. There is no reasoning or teaching a floating, burning, dumpster.
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Originally Posted by Seren
I believe floating dumpster fires were mentioned earlier? Perhaps, when tempted to "reason" with her or teach her a lesson, this visual image will help. There is no reasoning or teaching a floating, burning, dumpster.
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It's been an eventful couple of days. After that last interaction with her where she called multiple times in the middle of the night and tried to dump me again, I couldn't really keep it together. I've completely avoided reacting to anything and haven't contacted her in almost a month. I know I shouldn't have contacted her and just blocked her but I think it wasn't the worst thing that I stood up for myself and let her know how badly she was treating me. Her response was nuts. I'll type the exchange below. Since then... I let her know that her things at her place and I wish her well. It's a done deal.
Me: "Hi ___, I've been as nice and helpful to you as you've allowed to me to be. You ignored me for months, dumped me, told me not to contact you, and then sent me a really distasteful song and tried to play it off as a joke. Did you really think I would find that funny in the middle of the night after being broken up with and ignored? And I've still made myself available to you and responded to your calls and texts that I've seen. No part of you recognizes or appreciates that. You tried to dump me again because you couldn't reach me one night while I was asleep. Imagine not having a single one of your calls answered for months. Enough. This is no way to treat your worst enemy. I am not even worth speaking with during the day. Ever. I've never heard of such a thing. It's dehumanizing. If you really think I'm that worthless, why are you contacting me at all? I've left you alone like you told me to. Think about what you're doing before continuing to harm someone that has only tried to help you."
Her response: "You have quite the ego on you. That song had nothing to do with you but you make most things about you so I guess I shouldn't be surprised you did the same with that. You can talk down to me all you want and point out all the ways you have been mistreated and abused by me if it makes you feel better. I will not be responding to any of your indictments regarding me or my character."
I mean... WTF.
Me: "Hi ___, I've been as nice and helpful to you as you've allowed to me to be. You ignored me for months, dumped me, told me not to contact you, and then sent me a really distasteful song and tried to play it off as a joke. Did you really think I would find that funny in the middle of the night after being broken up with and ignored? And I've still made myself available to you and responded to your calls and texts that I've seen. No part of you recognizes or appreciates that. You tried to dump me again because you couldn't reach me one night while I was asleep. Imagine not having a single one of your calls answered for months. Enough. This is no way to treat your worst enemy. I am not even worth speaking with during the day. Ever. I've never heard of such a thing. It's dehumanizing. If you really think I'm that worthless, why are you contacting me at all? I've left you alone like you told me to. Think about what you're doing before continuing to harm someone that has only tried to help you."
Her response: "You have quite the ego on you. That song had nothing to do with you but you make most things about you so I guess I shouldn't be surprised you did the same with that. You can talk down to me all you want and point out all the ways you have been mistreated and abused by me if it makes you feel better. I will not be responding to any of your indictments regarding me or my character."
I mean... WTF.
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It’s called projection:
”Psychological projection and its definition. It’s a concept created by Sigmund Freud, it’s partly considered to be a defense mechanism. Projection Definition. Projection is where a person projects their own personality traits, beliefs, emotions and ways of thinking onto somebody else.”
As expected, she will never admit to any wrongdoing. She is incapable of introspection or taking responsibility for her behavior.
But...you knew that, yes? She’s proved it over and over and over.
I really hope this time you can really move on. You deserve a good life, not one wasted dancing attendance on a narcissist.
”Psychological projection and its definition. It’s a concept created by Sigmund Freud, it’s partly considered to be a defense mechanism. Projection Definition. Projection is where a person projects their own personality traits, beliefs, emotions and ways of thinking onto somebody else.”
As expected, she will never admit to any wrongdoing. She is incapable of introspection or taking responsibility for her behavior.
But...you knew that, yes? She’s proved it over and over and over.
I really hope this time you can really move on. You deserve a good life, not one wasted dancing attendance on a narcissist.
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